Spoiler Alert
When I was with Siobhan (an ex girlfriend) her birthday arrived just four weeks after we had begun seeing one another. I took her away for the weekend, bought her a beautiful Tiffany bracelet, organised a huge bouquet to be delivered to the suite where we were staying in our hotel and then took her shopping for a couple of new outfits and some new shoes. She was swept off her feet. Just as I intended.
All part of the golden period and naturally part of the ongoing seduction to ensure that not only was I receiving her positive fuel caused by her delight, admiration and thanks for such a wonderful time, but that she was becoming embedded into my world. All those I meet need to become part of my world, attached to me, fuel lines running from them to me.
This is especially so with the person who is to become my Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”). I need to own that person, I need to draw them into my world, ensure they are completely subsumed within it and thus they will be under my control. I truly want them to succeed because they show such promise, they demonstrate that they have the ability to fulfil the Prime Aims and deliver what is required which in turn will give me the fuel that powers my construct and this illusory world into which this person has been drawn.
When it was her birthday a year later I didn’t give her a present and begrudgingly went for dinner with her that evening. I ensured she paid. I talked down to the waiter and insisted we leave without pudding and subjected her to silence on the drive home. I wanted to spoil her birthday because it was about her and not me.
I hate attention being focussed elsewhere. I can tolerate it during the golden period because it serves my purposes to allow that person to have a wonderful and special birthday because of their positive fuel and the need to embed them, yet when devaluation occurs, there is no need to tolerate this state of affairs and the reality can be unveiled to the bewildered horror of the recipient.
There is no need to maintain the artifice. The person is embedded and if we have chosen the correct victim (and we usually do) they will not be going anywhere fast because they will cling to us in the hope of returning to the golden period.
The victim, who most of the time will be the IPPS (as this is the person who suffers the longest and the worst type of devaluation) has been chosen for their desire to mend things, to understand and try to establish what has changed, what has gone wrong and their need to try to make everything good again.
This creates an almost indefatigable approach by the victim to remaining with us. Nevertheless, when this devaluation is in place, everything has to be spoiled. What once was a wonderful occasion is either not acknowledged or is actively ruined.
Whereas we once praised and complimented something you had achieved, this too is either ignored, put down or belittled in some way.
My nephew told me he had come first in his school’s 100m race. I told him I ran a faster time than him when I was at school. A colleague showed me his new watch. I told him I had one which was similar but mine was better. You’ve got tickets for a performance tonight? I went last week and it was rubbish. You recommend a new Mexican restaurant that has just opened? I tell you that it is attracting the attention of environmental health. Bought a new car? I don’t like the colour and criticise its miles per gallon ratio.
The thing is that these comments often just spill from our mouths (especially with the Lesser and the Mid-Range) before we even have a chance to think. It is an instinctive response which is designed to make you give us negative fuel, to assert our control over you and to emphasise our superiority.
Whenever the spotlight is shining elsewhere I need to smash it and train a new one on me. Sometimes the needs of the façade will mean that control has to be exerted so that the training of the spotlight occurs in a way where was outshine you as opposed to necessarily denigrating you, but the effect is the same. You cannot have the spotlight on you, it has to be on us.
If you have an important function you want to attend, I will pick a fight with you before you go and then text you incessantly whilst you are at it so you do not enjoy it. I have to ruin it for you. I cannot control this urge.
Sam (an ex girlfriend) loved to garden. She would spend hours at the weekend tending her beds. I would call round during the week when she was not there and take a strimmer to her plants. As the stalks and stems were obliterated I could feel myself feeling better as I envisaged her dismay at returning home and seeing her garden having been hacked at.
That Thought Fuel was welcomed and of course I would ensure that I just happened to call around later that evening to find her either sobbing at the destruction or raging at the carnage that had been caused. Witnessing her reaction to my spoiling behaviour of course provided me with significant fuel which was potent and edifying.
I have to cut people down. The urge to destroy, denigrate,criticise and belittle is overwhelming.
I have to spoil. There is no hope for an alternative because the need to keep people in their place, maintain my own superiority and also to create the contrast for the provision of potent negative fuel is overwhelming.
59 thoughts on “Spoiler Alert”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Hello HG, is it possible for a Mid Range to be addicted to negative fuel? I mean having the possibility to extract positive fuel or negative fuel from one same source prefer always perform all sort of manipulative behaviours to get the negative energy?
Hello Corvino, the narcissist is addicted to fuel and control full stop. Remember, YOU think there is the possibility to extract positive or negative fuel, but from the narcissists perspective there is only the need to obtain control through negative fuel, thus a malign response is achieved. Different perspectives.
Thanks a lot! I know you’re right, but It’s hard to understand the other perspective, when I see clearly that getting a positive emotional response would be beneficial to the narcissist’s ego. But I assume it’s not, not in their minds.
It is control which matters and if you are painted black, then a malign manipulation (i.e. punishment) prompting a negative fuel response is what the narcissist seeks.
I don’t much care about material things except for art, sentiment, and books. Men mostly buy shitty gifts anyway. The wrong color, the wrong size, the wrong style, the wrong length, the wrong scent etc. I like to dress and adorn myself.
How is sentiment a material thing SMH, or do you mean certain objects which you have attached a sentimental value to?
Hi HG, Funny you caught that. I am always amazed at how carefully you read things. I mean objects that have sentimental value.
Understood. Thank you for clarifying.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Going away after 4 weeks with a “stranger” …..not on your nelly 😱
When someone is over generous, there’s always a motive behind it and generally its a bad one ….you always end up paying some sort of price
🛍💝 💎💐👠👗🏖
Thank you for the 🚦 🚩
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
You are welcome.
Spot in Bubbles! You pay back every single cent. My ex spoiled me during/ after the divorce in few occasions:
1. Poured some money for the purchase of my home, smiling and saying “ I hope you would allow to live in temporary some day if I have to .”
In fact, he moved in for few months when he pursued me back .
There were few attempts to get me back
2. Bought some white goods for the home “ you cook better than my mother” . Guess who was the regular visitor during the weekends .
To credit him, he contributed financially when he moved in.
3. Bought me a brand new car ( nothing fussy but new ) . He drove it as well. Of course this gesture was widely announced to his friends and acquaintances “ I bought her a brand new car. Let me show you. Yeah, paid outright. “ Needless to say he chose the colour and the extras .
4. Taking me on vacations – fully paid by him.
To be honest, I didn’t feel comfortable because we were no longer a family. I felt like a high class escort In one occasion when some men gave me some looks and inappropriate invitations into a luxury resort in our homeland. The Narc perfectly played the role of doting boyfriend “ do you like this restaurant – the food, the ambiance. If you don’t- let’s go to another place”
This was coming from one who constantly monitored my look “ this ( insert whatever food ) will make you fat. “
I prefer to buy my own stuff rather to expect a man to spoil me.
There Ain’t No Such Thing as a Free Lunch.
“I talked down to the waiter and insisted we leave without pudding.”
Siobhan, if you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudden! How can you have any pudden if you don’t eat your meat?
lol 😂
🤣🤣🤣🤣
HG, I do notice however all Narcs do have something in common that ruin everything before an event,
Thank you for sharing this article..
I am thinking however did you ever date a chef I would be afraid of what you would do to the food .Burn it,ruin it etc
Often but not always.
This prompted me to recall Ronaldo and his “difficulties” in getting a chef within his employ……….wow.
The struggle is real.
TBH, I found it hilarious but was not surprised when I read the news article about it. Just imagine Ronaldo and Gordon R, or Gino !!! That would make for great TV viewing! hahaha
HG, Do they keep.the gifts after disengagement?
My favourite are roses and my N wont buy them because he says it gives him allergies.
It didnt bother him.before .
Maybe he is allergic to me lol !
Depends on the school of narcissist.
Shocking… And revealing… Thanks for sharing…
Maybe I should seduce men for just golden periods —four weeks each to get the jewelry, clothes, and flowers! Then have sense enough to leave!
Your emotional thinking will have something to say about that.
Not if it gets really stamped down. I’ve always scored big on flowers but it’s the jewelry I need. I did super well with jewelry with 2/3 major relationships. I’m really looking at some shades of rose gold and silver lately!
Problem is Lorelei, embracing a golden period for a few months to acquire its benefits causes your ET to soar and you will lose insight and be unable to apply logic to walk away. I fully accept your intention is sincere from the position you are in now (well done) but GOSO is the only appropriate regime. You cannot get a little bit pregnant.
Omg did my reply to you and princess go through? I’m not retarded anymore! I’ll buy my own stuff. Ugh
Of course they went through! I thought you were suppose to be the smart Sister? No more trips for you!
When I first came here I didn’t understand why people who wanted the gifts and romantic trips etc, didn’t just enjoy it while the getting was good and then move on to the next one when it soured. That way they could always have it golden. Now I understand that what they said they wanted and what they really wanted were different, and they didn’t even really know that themselves.
Accurate.
NA
Good point, your comment reminded me of when a friend of mine said to me her “love language” was gifts. I thought it was suprisingly frivolous of her, then I realized that it’s not the material aquisition that mattered to her, but the emotion she perceived to be attached to it. She was always fawning over that shiny thing he bought her and always ended up broken-hearted. I think it’s incredibly helpful to question why we want the things we want and what we truly hope to gain from it.
Desiree
Yes, we need to question why we want those things from someone else when we can get them for ourselves. It’s seldom about the gift, but more about what the giving signifies to us.
Well said ! High Five !
HG do we keep the diamonds? Or give then back
If they were from a lesser they are HPHT or CVD anyway.
No from midranger , a 3 carat diamond engagement ring, he bought it on our 10 year Anniversary . I take it, it was still the Golden Times or Period I should say.
I got it appraised and the cost of diamonds have got up.way up ! I can sell it and buy a car or if I leave him do I give it back?
Sell it and utilise the proceeds split between a car and the AAF.
Thenk you for your advice .
My son just got accepted into pilot school.Yay!
So he will need my help.
I always put my kids before me and everyone else. I am not selfish .
I need consultations Big Time with you too HG.
Sell It!
Lessers buy engagement rings from Walmart. (If they even get hitched) My rings were chosen, first, by the loose diamond and then embedded into custom settings. It did me not ounce of good. Had I a married a lesser and moved into an Airstream I would have been better off. The routine of trudging to the out-house to pee—or fetching beers to, “Hey little woman, get daddy a Natural Light” would have more quickly worn me down. His dirty socks plopped up on the worn coffee table and then asking, “Wanna skrog” and then expecting a blow job which renders his copulatory duration to less than one minute, after which he grunts would have been enough—sooner. He would have also worked up an offensive sweat during that 45 second fuck.
Lorelei
You paint such a pretty picture.
I try NA. I really do. It’s about how it goes though.
Lorelie: I did that without knowing it! Enjoyed Golden Periods. LOL. And you’re right. About 4 to 8 weeks or so. When I came to NYC, I was alone here, responsible for everything for myself, no relatives here, no failsafe if I messed up, etc. I was terrified to mess up and have to go back to the Midwest. And, I could sink or swim on a dime. So, whenver things started going bad, when I was dating someone. That was it! I was out! I had no choice, Lorelei. I could not afford to be crying all day and not be able to leave the bed over someone. Or not function at work and all that. Or not go to work at all, over a broken heart, and I knew it. I absolutely knew it. I was trying to survive. Little did I know then that I disappointed quite a few Golden Periods, and onwards when the embers started to dull. It is so so so funny, now that I look back on it, because it was NOT intentional on my part. You can not plan to do something like that, Lorelei, or you will end up in some deep trouble. And even fall in love with some of those guys, by mistake. I faced some danger in those days too. Because I was constantly escaping. Hahaha. I think some were ready to close the deal, and somehow moved too quickly or made some other mistake, and I would escape, and then they hated me, when they said they wanted to start over and I would say, no, that’s okay, or let’s just move on to other people since we are not serious at this point, or, it is my fault, whatever I felt safe to say! I was not playing with these men, though, I just could not afford any of what I know now to be called: Devaluation. I just could not. I needed to go up, not down. Down was very bad to me. I could not afford it. I am more stable now, and I became a little less diligent about protecting my heart. I had `time` and `space` to suffer over a guy. And take days off. And cry for days and stuff like that. And, drag around at times with sorrow. And worry and worry. Ouch, Lorelei, Ouch. Anyway, I can laugh now, though, about the past, and destroying those traps that I bypassed. Why can I laugh now? Because, I am still alive, and in one piece, Lorelei. That is why I can laugh. Plus, it was NEVER a game on my side. See? So, BANISH that idea, Lorelei. Do not intentionally and deliberately play such dangerous games with these men out here. Truly. It could backfire on you in so many ways. Boom!
Hi Princess! I was typing a reply and think I lost it. I’m being facetious. It’s just that there is a Chanel crossbody I want.. It’s ok—Tory Burch is just fine! I can buy her stuff.
Enjoy shopping, I really.like the rose gold you mentioned earlier. I bought a Michael Kors watch which I like. My daughter matched it with a name necklace (they seem to be popular now)
I have the pandora bracelets with all the charms pretty much in silver,so rose gold is nice for a change .
Ok, Lorelei: I am glad you were being facetious. But you did alarm me. Do not play games with these men, deliberately. Basically, you can not win someone else’s game: Ayway, I do not like the Chanel crossbody, nor those major designer saddle bags that I see about, lately. (1) Unless perhaps on a teenager. (2) Or, if you wear them with a gym outfit and trainers, or some other athletic activity. That is about all I can say on such bags. And, no, I do not have a major designer handbag, but I see them all the time on women, of course. So, I do have a personal opinion about some of those bags. But, Lorelei, please do not light the blue touch paper on here, if possible, okay? You really frightened me when you mentioned chasing Golden Periods and suggesting that you could leap out of the cycle at will. It Will Not Work. And Danger will be watching you. My fingers were flying as I typed my response to you last night. Ok. Peace is restored. You were joking. Hahahaha. Not so funny though. Because some women are going to try this, but unfortunately for them, to their own hurt.
My travel companion is irritated with me because I disengaged from the drinking last night to get some rest and be alone. I’m setting boundaries. I’m not drinking myself into premature wrinkles and the like. Jesus I’m not a wind up toy. Same for men—no no. The last one was horrible enough for me to pay attention!
You are fooling nobody Lorelei, I know you were discussing Ugandan affairs with a 4ft tall circus acrobat, whilst drinking flaming zambucas and dancing to Whigfield.
Not Whigfield. It was this:
https://youtu.be/KltHK5xo6pg
Good song and improved by the removal of the rapping which contains one of the most cringeworthy lines in music history.
I wonder if the dudes holding the globes finished the shoot and were proud of themselves?
What would you think if I told you I sang Hayley Williams piece from the song “Airplanes” last night in a bar. He’s a rapper (wanna be) from Georgia. The globes—who knows.
I´d think, par the course.
I have video! Haha
Thanks for sharing such a great song to dance to. I do like the original worth the rap though
Brought back my college years and my drinking days!
It happened to me. It’s not nice when you are on the receiving end and are still under the control.
Id say I’ve been to the rial Albert hall ( his favourite venue) he said the acoustics are crap.
He never ever remembered my birthday. I was a DLS.
I said let’s go to the cinema. He said he didn’t like the cinema. Then I find out Hes been.
I bought my new house after my divorce (Not from him) – a big achievement. He said oh those houses are two a penny. He laughed at my crooked toe. He laughed when my car got towed.
He placed a YSL bag strategically on his kitchen table – when I asked about it he said it wasn’t for me. Double fuel.
I offered to plant up his hanging baskets. When I visited next time I noticed they had been done – he mentioned the name of a girl he worked with who’d done them. Turned out much later she was the new IPPS. More fuel. Made me seething and hurt and confused.
I mentioned how much I admired an up and coming colleague of his – tantrum followed even criticising his dress sense and saying he wasn’t worthy of being in the club.
Didn’t realise any of this was narc stuff until I read HG retrospectively.
It is all learning here, Em.
I appreciate your honesty, but how can we trust you with our truths ?
Are you asking this of me and in what context? Here on the blog or in consultation?
HG, as awful as your actions are, they make me laugh! Does anyone else find this behavior comical? I guess as long as it’s not my birthday or my garden.