The Empathy Cake

THE EMPATHY CAKE

The Empathy Cake is a Logic Bulletin which enables you to understand the difference between

1. Instinctive Emotional Empathy

2. Safeguarding Emotional Empathy

3. Activated Emotional Empathy

4. Minimal Emotional Empathy

5. No Emotional Empathy

Being able to understand these differences will increase your defence against narcissists. It will also enable you to make sense of the behaviour of the narcissist and also non-narcissists.

Detailed scenarios for each layer of The Empathy Cake provide a clear and simple explanation to boost your understanding.

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19 thoughts on “The Empathy Cake

  1. K says:

    HG
    When my IEE is reduced by the behaviour of a narcissist, sometimes, I turn into a lunatic and spew lava balls of hate (excellent negative fuel). I don’t have a choice; I have to go NC. Hate is one of my strongest emotions; the enemy within.

    Fantastic article!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed and the fact you recognise this is a testament to the use of logic.

      1. K says:

        HG
        Thanks to you, I am aware of the enemy within (ET) and logic tells me to stay far, far away.

    2. Violetta says:

      Ok, this is a good reason not to visit my home town and beat my shrink and a few elementary teachers until they’re plaid. In addition to their saying, “I told you she was maladjusted!” it would give them Fuel. Someone actually remembers who they are after all these years?

      1. K says:

        Violetta
        Get a Voodoo Doll and stab it full of pins, that might help.

  2. Dorion says:

    I’ve only just read this for the first time – very interesting classification. I didn’t like the example of body shaming/making a joke of a physical feature at first, because that’s not something I have ever encountered in my adult social life other than hearing about it. I can’t imagine ever even having the urge to say such things to anyone, not even as a joke. But it does the job and is very simple yet powerful.

    If I substitute the nose example with something else that is not physical but pertains to the behavior of people or just opinions, once again, I most definitely identify as a normal. Also based on the comments from empaths about normals here. I couldn’t count how many times I had that scenario and conversation in Layer Three with people. I usually feel bad about my directness/bluntness for a moment when I learn how it’s perceived, but always appreciate the education very much and do comply/use it. Well, until next time, in another situation πŸ™‚ I also relate to Layers 1-2 for some things (this is actually good to see because I often worry about my level of empathy) but pretty much to nothing from Paul in 4-5. There is no way I would tolerate someone behaving like in Layer 5 (the narc) with me and there have been very few cases in my life. In those few cases, I think they regretted it at least some because I can come back with some quite piercing, usually ice-cold feedback that leaves the person naked, and then walk away. Luckily I have never experienced it in a situation where I was trapped, inferior, and could not escape. It makes me wonder what could happen if I was trapped with a narc on an uninhabited island, for example, just the two of us… Probably we would either camp on two opposite sides of the island or if not possible to avoid, we might eat each-other alive. Definitely no power/dominance structures.

    One of my dearest friends is definitely an Empath and I have the Layer Three conversation with him quite often. I love how he points those things out to me and those discussions are usually very enlightening to both of us, he says he also learns to see things for what they are, to be more realistic, have better and more consistent boundaries, and to be less affected/inhibited by emotional worries. It’s one of my best friendships ever, I would definitely recommend a similar combo to anyone who is willing to get out of their comfort zone, honestly introspect with someone else without denial and pity play, and grow from it.There isn’t much commiserating in such a friendship but there is pretty deep attention, understanding, a lot of realism and two-way improvement.

    On the comments about boundaries: I could not agree more. I’ve always had pretty solid boundaries that are perceived by some people as too much, walls even. Well, except during the times when I was drinking heavily, but alcohol in excess does that to everyone. I usually felt extremely rattled and ashamed about some of my behaviors while intoxicated, when I sobered up – exactly because it’s so out of character, almost like a different person. Normal causal drinking never did that, only the addiction, when it developed. I think it’s similar to the difference between just interacting with a narc superficially and occasionally vs. being ensnared.

  3. Pati says:

    So many scenarios, HG thanks for explaining the layers of this cake. Narcissist are everywhere in the workplace . I had an old boss call me speedy because of getting reports in on time and when one day I called in sick I got the silent treatment from my old boss. She had very high expectations from me and only me I didn’t appreciate it . She treated everyone with respect except me . I think she must have been a N. I should have reported her ass to HR.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Pati.

    2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

      Dearest Pati,
      HR is for the company, the union is for the worker
      Sadly, my son found out the hard way
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. Pati says:

        Dear Bubbles,
        Yes I agree,i was in the union as well and that’s why i didn’t report her. Plus the HR was friends with her and come to think of it I think she was a Narc no Empathy for the workers biotch
        I tried reporting it to the union rep but it took awhile and I just dropped it.he said File a grievance and didn’t want the drama.
        When we were on STRIKE It was the only time I got my satisfaction. I dont work there anymore.
        But your sons right totally!
        Love Pati

        1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

          Dear Pati,
          Our son had been with the company for nearly 6 years
          This big powerful profit making company were sneakily downsizing and closing its offices to go off shore
          Many short term employed people were made redundant and long termers were coerced and bullied into resigning
          He lost any forthcoming redundancy package as his mental health was severely comprised, so he resigned (he couldn’t understand at the time why HR wasn’t helping) sadly it was all too late when the union became involved and the miniscule amount he ended up with paled into insignificance compared to the many $1,000 ‘s he was duly entitled to
          Another company immediately snapped him up
          Sadly, narcissism in the work place is very rife, alive n thriving
          Thank goodness you are no longer in that company Pati
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. Pati says:

            Yes , I am glad I am out. Also Bubbles there were.some unproductive union employees which were lazy. They would use their seniority as leverage . I couldn’t stand that as I worked really hard to get the job done . The others were passing the buck. Good luck to your son.
            Love Pati

          2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Pati,
            Many thanks lovely and hugs to you
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          3. Pati says:

            You too Bubbles,hugs right back to you xoxo

    3. SARAH says:

      I did report my N boss to HR. Nothing happened.

  4. Lisa says:

    This is very interesting as I’ve started to observe people that I consider may be normals, since I’ve learnt about all of this and sometimes they can seem a little blunt in their attitudes to other people, I use this word because I can’t think of a better one at the moment , but I’m starting to see that they have better boundaries and can be quite harsh and finding that balance is quite a tricky thing if you don’t have a natural healthy balance of empathy and narcissism. I watched Brene Brown recently talking about a very extensive study that she was involved in regarding looking at what very compassionate people all have in common and very interestingly it wasn’t huge amounts of empathy or being really nice , the one thing that linked all of them was very strong boundaries. Strong boundaries equalled compassion.

    1. alexissmith2016 says:

      That’s really interesting Lisa. I was giving the normals some thought over the last few days and now realise and perhaps the reason I’ve never really had an inner circle friend who is a normal is precisely because they have strong boundaries and to me that felt harsh.

      However, I’ve never fallen out with a normal, I guess they were just not someone who would become an inner circle friend.

      Es don’t have strong boundaries and Ns (at least in the beginning) don’t show them, because they want to suck us in so they keep them lowered until you’re hooked and then its too late.

      I find the study you mention very interesting that strong boundaries demonstrate compassion, I’d be interested to learn more about this and how they concluded that.

    2. Lorelei says:

      I’ll look this up Lisa. Part of boundaries (I believe) is elimination of a familiarity with others tooβ€”not just repelling their behavior toward usβ€”but our overall openness to them.

  5. cogra002 says:

    Maybe Linda needs s “pet name” of her own for Paul. I’m thinking “Nubby” might he good. Get everyone’s head swirling, πŸ˜‚
    She can get more familiar with that one too, as in “Hey Nub…can you…..”
    “The Nubster!” Etc

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