Watching You Crumble


We don’t provide support. We are too concerned with ourselves and our daily hunt for the fuel that we need to be concerned about you. We are engrossed in our own world and have no interest in yours. The only time we pay attention to you is when you are providing us with fuel or you stop providing us with fuel. Everything we do is focussed around us. This is because we have to obtain fuel, as without we will disintegrate. The hunger for this fuel is never ending and accordingly all of our energy must be applied towards obtaining it. This leaves us with nothing left over for anyone else.

Being a caregiver yourself, you would like to think that the person who you share your life with, or who you work closely with, would be amenable to providing you with support. That may mean giving you emotional support when you are experiencing a difficult time or taking the strain allowing you to lessen the burden on yourself. You give and you are happy to do so, therefore why should they not do so as well? That is the outlook of someone normal operating by the norms and rules of your world. Those do not apply to us. We cannot provide you with support since we have nothing available to do so.

Added to that we do not know how to provide emotional support. Yes we can see how chores can be done and the like. We also have observed the ways that you provide emotional support to other people and we know the phrases that are used, the expressions that are formed on people’s faces and the gestures that are made. We have seen all that and we could trot all that out. In fact we have done in the past. We did this when we were seducing you. When we wanted you to divulge about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities this will have invariably saddened you and upset you. It may even have caused an episode where you need emotional support. We were happy to go through the motions then because we were at the stage of investing in your in order to get our fuel. We were content to make the right noises, give you a hug and make the panacea that is the cup of tea. All of this was learned from others. We did not feel anything for you. We could not put ourselves in your shoes (heaven forbid that would ever happen) and we could not empathise with what you were experiencing and nor can we ever do that. Yet again, we conned you into thinking that we are a caring and selfless person. We demonstrated such an approach when we were first together and that attracted you to us. This raised expectations that you could rely on us and turn to us when the need arose. It is all false.

Furthermore, when you need support and expect it from us, you are showing to us how you are weak. We despise weakness. You will find that our kind is rarely found near children, the infirm and ill and the elderly. This is because they are all weak and want support regularly. We do not want to be reminded of that fact. We cannot be bothered with you cluttering up our route to fuel. An exhibition of weakness infuriates us. A normal person would see someone in a position of weakness and deign to help and assist. We have seen how this is a natural reaction in normal people. It will not happen with us.

If you are fortunate, we will absent ourselves from the situation in an instant. We will generate some urgent reason; find a pressing engagement we had forgotten about in order to ensure we can get away from you and your ailment, woe or injury. You probably will never see us move as quick when it comes to getting away from somebody who needs help. If we are unable to exit the situation then we may just stand and look at you. You could be reaching out to us, eyes filled with tears of pain, asking for help and we will just give you a blank stare. We know we ought to be helping you, convention and observation has told us this, but we cannot do so. We are unable to leave but we are also unable to help you. This requires compassion and we do not have any. It requires us to us our energies to help you out and we are forbidden from doing so.

Our ultimate reaction where you need support from us is to go on the offensive. The uncomfortable feeling that you have generated inside of us makes us feel less powerful and smacks of inferiority. We know of only one way to banish such a sensation. We need to reassert our power and that means we must lash out at you. It becomes necessary to subject you to further insults and denigrating comments, at a time when you are feeling hurt and vulnerable.

“What are you crying for? I have had worse happen to me.”

“I am sick and tired of you being pathetic. Deal with it.”

“I bet (insert name of triangulated individual) would not make such a song and dance about it like you do.”

“It’s only a dog, you can get another one. Seriously, what a display over a dumb animal.”

“You are hysterical, you need to get help.”

“Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”

“That’s right; make it about you on my special day.”

We will lash out at you with these words in order to make you feel worse and ourselves feel better because that is all we care about. We fooled you into thinking that we care about you. That is a fallacy. Do not expect us to support you.

Demonstrating our legendary hypocrisy we will expect you to always be there for us. When we have a need you must attend to it straight away, even if you are experiencing difficulties yourself. When we have a scratch we expect you to make it better even though you might be bleeding to death before us. As with so much of our behaviour we do not regard the way we act towards you as meaning you should behave the same way towards us. If you chopped us in half you would most likely find this stencilled through us like lettering on a stick of rock

“Do as I say, not do as I do.”

28 thoughts on “Watching You Crumble

  1. Anjelica says:

    Dearest HG,

    you truly give me the heebie-jeebies …

    Every single one of your articles contains a piece of my life. How would you just know? (rhetorically)

    “I moved from places all over the world back and forth as an award-winning professional and you are weeping about moving from your small village to a new flat in a small town?” … Umm … which was necessary as I separated from my then-husband when I fell for the narc – the love of my liva, hah – and had to dissolve a complete 20-years-3-story-household all by myself as a single Mom and guess who did not show up just once to lend a hand? No, he wanted to invite me to a pizza in between transports to enjoy my company and then again leave to let me continue with moving … amazingly bold, no?

    Or … Spoiler Alert (OMG, another super precise description): starting an argument with my daughter (in the middle of her parents´ separation) about her sport to tell her he had been waaay better than her at same age ????

    Looking back I realize that I constantly compromized my own standards and taped, glued and band-aided his more than obvious cracks in order to keep up the illusion of a perfect love. Amazingly naive, no?

    One of the best features of your work is that you deliver a good LOL everytime I read. It helps to draw this self-appointed once-upon-a-time-VIP off the pedestal. Thank you very much for that and keep up amusing us!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Welcome to the blog Angie and I am pleased that you are finding the work helpful. Keep reading.

      1. Anjelica says:

        Dear HG, maybe you could change my name back to Anjelica? I would like to stay inkognito. Many thanks in advance.

        1. HG Tudor says:


      2. Anjelica says:

        Gracias! 😉

  2. Deb says:

    Clearly and honestly put HG.
    Shouted at until I cry and then to shut up as it gives his a flashback to him crying in childhood. Makes him feel weak and uncomfortable. Makes him shout more and hang up the phone. Its a very lonely place to be left and flashes you back to your own codependent roots.

  3. Lorelei says:

    This “Watching You Crumble” piece takes me back to a really impactful dirty little secret affair (which was a mutually dirty little secret on both sides). The uncomfortable feeling it must have given when I needed something. Funny—I’ve never let myself be that vulnerable or emotionally reliant (to that extent) again on a “partner.” I’m not sure that I could easily ever rely on someone on a fundamental level. Maybe it’s a forced strength or a weakness by means of now simply lacking selectively. Who knows.

  4. AR says:

    It is one of my favorite articles HG.

    I was labeled as weak when i cried as a child.

    “Didn’t i tell you not to argue with your brother?”(my matrinarc would lash out at me or even laugh whenever i complained about my brother)

    Or instead of listening and offering solutions i used to hear such words by my narc dad:”Don’t worry. Don’t worry. Everything will be alright”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you AR.

  5. Pati says:

    HG,I would agree with this 50/50
    My husband will look after me sometimes he paid for me to have eye surgery and was there to put drops in my eyes and helped out with chores,kids

    Another time I had a bad case of the stomach flu and my daughter was young so I had to watch her between vomitting ( gross) He went to work and told me I will be back soon,he came back 7 hours later.
    Found me on the floor hugging the toliet .
    My daughter slept in my bed . I didnt want her to catch it.

    When I was in labour he kept going out for smoke breaks. He said he didnt like seeing me in pain.

    He would drive me to all my appointments

    I don’t get it.

    1. Witch says:

      The same thing confuses me about my mum…she could be affectionate, make your dinner exactly how you like it, do your hair, make you tea all day, baby sit the grandchild, sometimes she would act like a Stepford house wife.
      but in conversation she would just flip out from nothing and start saying stuff like “my children don’t realise how I’ve held it together for them!” And just start guilt tripping you and directing all her anger at you on the sly.
      So yeah I don’t know..

      1. Anjelica says:

        This is exactly what they do and what we just cannot grasp without the knowledge provided by HG here.
        It is a pattern with the sole effect to entangle and literally eat you up. The alternating pattern of
        1. supersweet reading-my-mind love and care
        2. reprimanding and disciplining devaluation
        is what really captures us.
        Just one of each behaviour would not be dangerous at all as we can choose if we like it or not.
        But here we clearly want No. 1 and so willingly swallow No. 2.

        1. Witch says:

          Thank you Anjelica,
          It’s so true. My mother has told me that I’ve changed for the worst and that I’m not nice to her anymore (meaning I’m resisting her invasive/controlling behaviour) She has expressed suspicion that I’m being influenced by others, such as my best friend. She doesn’t know that it’s actually HG and the commentary here that is behind it all.

      2. Pati says:

        I dont understand still, Witch ,they are amazing one moment and awful the next . I dont get it .
        I just hate all this games ,I am not in highschool .
        I never know what mood he will be in next .
        I am walking on eggshells.
        I am just ignoring him do my daily living and
        trying to hold it together for my kids. Well 3 are adults and one little.
        Good luck to you sweety all the best with your mom you are defintely trying as well.

        1. Witch says:

          It’s horrible and confusing. It got to the point were everytime my mum called me I instantly felt depressed and ignored the calls.
          Have you thought about contacting a domestic abuse agency and getting help with a plan to escape?

          1. Pati says:

            No I havent . I will.use HG consultations, I trust him the most right now .

          2. HG Tudor says:

            They will be highly effective.

          3. Pati says:

            In my case yes . Its complicated ,but you can deal with challenges .I have faith in you my dear.

        2. Kim e says:

          dont understand still, Witch ,they are amazing one moment and awful the next . I dont get it

          You are looking at it from your point of view….not the N’s. You will get no relief at all until you get together with HG for a consult. Did you out your name on the Angel Assist list? If not, that is your ET talking you out of it….making excuses so that your LT does not get any help. This is no way to live….for you or your children. Yous ay he is good to them.,… is for FUEL. He uses your children

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Logic. I must state Kim E that you improvement in dissecting the situation using logic rather than ET shows how far you have come as a consequence of applying my work. Well done, you are some distance away from where you were earlier this year.

          2. Kim e says:

            HG. Lets just hope that the LT I dispense to others works as well on me when I need it.
            Thanks for the kind words.

          3. Pati says:

            Thank you Kim you make a lot of sense !

        3. Witch says:

          A consultation with HG will be worth while.
          Wishing you the best Pati

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you Witch.

          2. Pati says:

            Thenk you so much sweetheart ! 😘

          1. Pati says:

            Thank you

          2. K says:

            My pleasure Pati
            Enjoy the reading!

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