Ten Tells of Triangulation




Triangulation is a staple manipulative device in our arsenal. Triangulation is a convenient way to describe an affair, having a bit on the side, flirting, playing away, investing in a new prospect, having a form of distraction, a plaything and so on. The reality is that triangulation offends the principles of why two people are in a relationship and is a method of manipulation which is used to gain fuel, cause confusion and exert control.

The principle reason that we engage in it is because we are able to derive two sources of fuel from two different appliances. Sometimes the fuel is doubly positive and others both positive and negative. This is edifying and invigorating. You may be triangulated with a person or an object.

There may be triangles operating within triangles. Triangulation provides fuel but also allows us to generate confusion and engage in distraction tactics whereby you and the other person attack one another, failing to realise (or perhaps not wanting to be seen to realise for fear of being regarded as losing out) that is us that has caused the triangulation.

Usually you will not be aware that you are being triangulated with the other person. It is easier to keep you and the other person separated and we enjoy our time with them and then our time with you. We draw fuel from you both and neither of you know about the other.

We see no problem in behaving like this. We are never accountable; we are entitled to do as we like. We do not distinguish between you because you are just appliances to us and therefore entirely interchangeable. Before we decide to up the ante and reveal your opponent to you, thus heightening your reactions and responses, you may actually be able to ascertain that you are being triangulated as there are certain tells which exist.

These are more obvious amongst the Lesser and Mid-Range of our kind as they may lack the higher function to remember things that they have done or said and occasionally slip up, thereby revealing the tell.

If you confront us with this tell we will spin some yarn, persuade you that there is nothing in it, this person is a friend, there is a glitch with the ‘phone, somebody else did it, you are imagining things, you are over-reacting and in our time-honoured fashion we will deny and deflect and even go on the attack if need be in order to protect our investment in both you and the other person. If you do see these tells, do not challenge us about them.

You are only giving us a chance to draw fuel from you, confuse you and worm our way out of it. If you see these tells you now know what they mean. You are being triangulated.  Here are ten of those tells.

  1. Our mobile ‘phone will have duplicate messages. We send the same message to you and the other person, often within seconds of the first message.
  2. We will buy you a duplicate gift having already given it to you a week or so ago.
  3. We will tell you something that we have already told you before, more or less word for word.
  4. We will make reference to something you said even though you have not said it (it was the other person who said it).
  5. We will make reference to something we apparently did together which you will not remember. (This is because we did it with the other person).
  6. We will call you by someone else’s name.
  7. You may hear us say things under our breath such as “She wouldn’t do this” or “she would agree to do it”.
  8. We will fail to acknowledge you doing something for us thinking it was done by the other person, for instance a surprise gift.
  9. We will remark we don’t want to do something again even though we have never done it with you. (We did it with the other person).
  10. We will ask a question which is out of context. For instance, asking how your dad is recovering when there is nothing wrong with him. (It is of course the other person’s dad who is ill).

9 thoughts on “Ten Tells of Triangulation

  1. Zoe says:

    Do narcissists intentionally triangulate to hurt someone or is it unintentional?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The Lesser Narcissist triangulates to control, but does not know that he is doing that, the hurt caused by the triangulation provides fuel and control. He won’t even recognise he is triangulating.
      The Mid-Range Narcissist triangulates to control, but does not know that he is doing that, the hurt caused by the triangulation provides fuel and control. He may know he is comparing you for instance to someone else and he may recognise this hurts you, but his comparison is justified. He does not know the real reason he is doing it.
      The Greater Narcissist triangulates to control and knows that he is doing and knows why he is doing it.

  2. cogra002 says:

    All but #1 and 6-9. All the others I have seen practically nonstop. I haven’t seen them recently only because he suspects I’m ready to leave again. I think it’s also because of HGs coaching – I’m not reacting the same, because I see things for what they are, and many times I just call it out for exactly what it is, using clinical terms, which we’ve learned from HG. I’m sure it’s all still going on exactly as before, behind the scenes.

  3. Bluewave says:

    HG, I find your articles very accurate but there is something different when comes to my ex (mid range narcissist). The discard took place 2 years ago, we are in co contact for almost 2 years (I blocked him because he was contacting me often, no matter if he was with someone new or not).

    During these two years he had a few IPSS/IPPS. And I can tell there is the biggest possibiity he will try to hoover me when he starts new relationship. He keeps these relationships in secret so officially you don’t know he is ensnaring someone (but if you dig, you will find out there is new woman who is in golden period with him, she posts together photos and so on). And while she acts like she was on cloud 9 with him, he keeps her hidden and tries to hoover me (and other exes possibly). It is not a malign hoover or benign, it is quite neutral, like trying to check if I think about him and react, or if he wanted me to unblock him, for example posting “our songs”, especially songs that I was sending to him during our golden period.

    I understand he wants some kind of reaction, but why he needs my fuel when we haven’t talk for almost 2 years and he is in golden period with someone new? I think that “in theory” he should be totally focused on his new target and I should be forgotten.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If you were in no contact with him for two years, how were you aware he was hoovering you? You must not have been in no contact if he was hoovering you during that two year period.

      I can unravel what is happening, but to do so means I need more information from you and I have more information to convey to you and therefore you should organise a consultation, Bluewave.

  4. michellegedwards says:

    These are important signs. I chuckle now understanding why you get called generic names like “baby” so they don’t mix up the names. What scarier is when they are so good, they rarely make missteps.

    1. cogra002 says:

      Michelle, mine was “Sweets”.
      I have joked before when he wrote “Good night Sweets ”
      I wrote ” Copy paste, paste, paste…”

      1. michellegedwards says:

        😂 and that copy paste is REAL. We’d probably bug our eyes out looking at their phones!

        1. cogra002 says:

          Michelle! Totally REAL. About 2 weeks ago XNarc made some weird comment and I told him that I wonder all the time if I would be speaking to him at all if I really knew all that went on behind the scenes. He quickly tried to dispel the notion, but I don’t think I’m wrong.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.