The Narcissist Manipulates : Triangulation and Character Assassination
“Hello ladies, so good of you to join me, I know you have been looking forward to this for some time, well perhaps it would be more accurate if I was to say that one of you has been looking forward to this meeting and the other has been somewhat apprehensive about doing so. Anyway, let me effect the introductions. Miss Victoria Tim please meet Miss Prudence Spect. Miss Spect this is Miss Tim. I of course need no introduction. Excellent, well now we are all acquainted why don’t we sit down. Are you all right Miss Tim, you seemed to wince when you sat down?”
“There was something sharp on this wooden bench,” Miss Tim explains, ” It is a tack,” she holds up the offending item.
“Oh dear, who could have left that there?”
“You most likely, it is just the type of thing you would do to try and unsettle me, you nasty bastard.”
“Now, now Miss Tim, please, there need not be any need for such language, let us be civil, after all I have always been civil with you have I not?” I declare pleasantly.
“My backside you have been civil you piece of poison. You are the nastiest piece of work I have ever had the misfortune to meet, I hate you.”
“Please Miss Tim, there is no need and I can see you are unnerving Miss Spect here.”
“How come she gets the large comfortable seat and I am perched on this wooden bench thing which is too low down, I am having to crane my neck to speak to you both.”
“Oh I don’t know, I would offer you my seat but it is bolted to the floor as is Miss Spect’s.”
“Well you and I can swap seats then?” Miss Tim suggests to me.
“I cannot do that, I must sit in the middle here and ensure that the conversation is kept civil and polite, I cannot be seen to sit closer to one party than the other.”
“Ever the considerate one aren’t you?” sneers Miss Tim sarcastically.
“But of course dearest Vicky, the voice of reason as you well know.”
Miss Tim screws her face up at my comment and then turns to look across the table at Miss Spect who has sat saying nothing, her face showing a degree of concern at the hostility exhibited by Miss Tim towards me.
“You’ve not said much?” remarks Miss Tim.
“Well no, I haven’t been able to have I. Look Saul I don’t think there is any point in this continuing, you warned me about what she would be like and she has behaved just as you described. Now wonder you left her.”
“It is unfortunate, I thought after all the good times we had together we could at least move on, but it seems that the vitriol she subjected me to when things turned sour, I still do not understand why they did, continues to flow.” I comment.
“Ha, have you heard yourself? My vitriol? My vitriol? You were the one who abused me and called me names, you locked me out of the house and used to take my car keys from me so I could not go anywhere and that is just the tip of the iceberg.”
I shake my head and make tutting noises.
“But Saul just mentioned you had good times together, I know we do, we have wonderful time when we get together, he is so attentive and loving. So generous too, do you like my bracelet?” asks Miss Spect as she thrusts her wrist forward showing off a delicate Tiffany bracelet.
“I had one just like it my dear, he is not one for originality,” mutters Miss Tim.
“Where is it then?” I ask.
Miss Tim hesitates.
“I sold it.”
“Oh how convenient,” I mock giving her a knowing look.
“I did, I did not want any reminder of your hand about me any longer.”
“If he did give you such a bracelet surely you would have kept it, it is so pretty,” smiles Miss Spect presently.
“Not a chance. All the things he gave me I either burned or sold, even though it pains me to admit it that I got rid of some good stuff.”
“It is true dear Pru that I did buy her some gifts, of course nothing as expensive or beautiful as I bought you, a few trinkets and such like but it shows the measure of her nastiness that she would hawk around and destroy my gifts, I know you would never do anything like that would you?”
“Oh goodness no, why would I ever want to get rid of all the wonderful things you have bought for me, you are so kind and thoughtful,” trills Miss Spect.
“Enjoy it while it lasts my dear, it won’t. You know, he had me thinking the same way as the one before me, made her out to be some kind of lunatic alcoholic but I doubt she is, not when I realised how many lies this one tells,” she remarks jabbing a finger towards me.
“Take no notice Pru, Stephanie, my girlfriend before Vicky here was a lovely lady. Unfortunately she had to move away owing to work commitments. I was a little down afterwards but then Vicky arrived very quickly. I was not looking of course, I still had Stephanie very much in my thoughts.”
“Utter nonsense, you came after me. He flattered and chased and promised me all sorts, they do that you see, his kind. He told me Stephanie used to attack him and cut up all his clothes.”
“More lies, when will you ever stop? Spoken to Stephanie have we?” I ask knowing that Miss Tim cannot do so.
“Well no, but the way you went on about here she sounded like she should have been locked up.”
“I never said anything of the sort. You want to think ill of her in order to stop me thinking about her because you wanted me. I fell for you, I will admit that, sorry Pru, but the point of us meeting is to be honest. You asked about Vicky and I know she was very keen to meet you after I sent her some pictures of you and I together. I had to you see. After the awful way I was treated by her, I wanted her to see that she had not destroyed me and that I had found someone who understood me and cared for me, someone who got me, a soulmate if you will.”
“Of course Saul, I understand. I know from what you have told me that you were hurt and vulnerable after what happened. I can see you told me the truth as, well I am sorry to be blunt Miss Tim, but you clearly have issues. I am with Saul now and you may not like that but that is the way it is. You cannot expect to have him back after what you did to him. It was not right to treat someone that way.”
“I don’t know what treacle he has poured in your ears, well actually I do Prudence dear because he did exactly the same to me. Made Stephanie sound a right harpy and then drew me in. Everything was sweetness and light but you will see, it will all turn to shit, he will manipulate you and have you swearing black was white. He is a clever sod I will give him that,” spits Miss Tim.
“I see nothing of what you describe save a kind and loving man who has been badly hurt and I intend to keep him. He loves me and I love him and it is a perfect love, isn’t that the case Saul?”
“Of course my darling Vic, I mean Pru, we have a perfect love and it shall remain ever so.”
“Mark my words missy, he will lift you up so high you cannot see the ground and then he will smash you into the ground and smear you with dirt, he will break you, wound you and strip everything away from you before throwing you to one side,” hisses Miss Tim her eyes blazing with fury.
“Can we go Saul, I have had enough, I said I would meet her and I have and I don’t like her. You don’t need to be around someone so….so toxic.” Miss Spect rises from her seat.
“Ladies please, can we not keep matters calm and have a mature discussion? I have tried to broker a sensible discussion between you both,” I protest raising my hands.
“No I want to go Saul, I don’t like her,” declares Miss Spect.
“That’s right you run away dear and put your head in the sand,” adds Miss Tim. Miss Spect makes for the door.
“I will wait outside Saul, are you coming?”
“Well if you feel this meeting is of no longer any use then of course, feel free to leave, I shall be with you shortly,” I smile pleasantly.
“Go on, run away, you will be sat here in a year’s time Prudence, oh yes you will. You are meeting yourself here you know, meeting yourself,” cries Miss Tim. Miss Spect leaves the room and closes the door.
“Got her brainwashed as well haven’t you, you evil creature,” sneers Miss Tim.
“I have no idea what you are talking about,” I continue to smile as I lean in close. The smile never leaves my face as I speak slowly into Miss Tim’s ear.
“I have you in my eye you crone and if you ever contact her again I will crush you little lady. I know where you have moved to. That red front door has just been painted hasn’t it?”
I step back and look into Miss Tim’s eyes. The flames have been extinguished and that familiar look of fear has returned, the one I know so well. I walk around the table and leave Miss Tim sat completely still, her eyes staring ahead as I know every memory of her torment is now playing through her mind.
“Such a pleasure to see you again, I am sure it won’t be too long before it happens again,” I cry cheerfully and then exit through the door.
Another successful meeting.
21 thoughts on “The Narcissist Manipulates : Triangulation and Character Assassination”
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That’s what a narc thinks ….”stupid”. Not me
Problem is, we end up thinking ourselves stupid. It can be very difficult to break out of that self-doubt.
Very true, Violetta.
I still think myself very stupid for letting the narc into my life.
Taking advantage of how women compete and how many compete for a mans attention. It doesn’t help to cut other women down …just watch how you yourself are treated. Remember how a narc treats you is really how he treats all women, eventually , there is no exception , no difference in a appearances He only sees how stupid the woman is …he takes complete advantage that you are needy and want someone to love.
mollyb5,
You raise some interesting points. You say the narc takes “advantage of how women compete”. That’s true, but the narc ‘assumes’ that all (empathic) women are the same. This is where the narc’s ‘logic’ is not ‘logical’.
Not all women are the same. Not all women want to compete with each other. Not all women ‘want’ the same man. Not all women are needy or want someone to love. If the narc could use reason and empathy instead of an impulsive need to control and manipulate, he would see this.
The narc is essentially using his deep inner instincts to ‘play’ women, in the same way that the first woman who had a relationship with him – his mother – would ‘play’ him (according to the way his unconscious developing instincts perceived it at the time). Unconsciously, his nervous system expects that all women are like this and he is defending himself against them by ‘playing’ them instead. The narc sees this as ‘control’. In fact, it’s more like ‘defence’.
WN, I’ve seen the lack of empathy play out with my niece and her little boy who is 11 mos old. I see the type of abuse that creates narcs and it broke my heart. She put him on the floor and walked away to go outside to smoke. He immediately started crying and crawled after her. I picked him up, but what he wanted was his MOTHER’S attention and continued to cry. I took him to the glass storm door where he could see her standing there looking at him. He pulled up and stood at the door crying and scratching. She stood there, no emotion, continuing to smoke with almost a smirk, making no motion to comfort him. These are the things that teach abandonment. These are the things that teach us what love is. I took him back in my arms and away from where he could see her. I talked to him and distracted him, cooed and loved that sweet boy. Everybody isn’t like his mother, but it’s his mothers love he needs and wants the most and the denial of his mother’s love is what will shape him. I am helpless and I hate it. He goes home with her. If she does that with others around, how must she treat him at home? And nobody is there to show him that everybody isn’t like that. 💔
I know MB, I unknowingly was seeing the makings of a narcissist when I escaped my narcissist and moved in with a narcissistic couple. It breaks my heart. This kid was just 4 and constantly sought negative attention. His mother and grandparents called him cuss words all the time and he was ignored.
The grandkids spent weekends with them and one morning I was cuddling with his older cousin on the couch watching cartoons. He got jealous and started throwing toys at us, then hitting, biting, kicking. The fury I saw in this kid was so unsettling. I had to hold him down and rub his back talking sofly to him to get him to calm down. Then told him its ok to get mad but you cant hit and bite, we need to use words to talk about how we feel.
His grandfather also made comments that this kid could be a serial killer in the making. This kid breaks my heart. He is so cute and super intelligent for his age. I no longer am around these people, but I think about the kid alot.
Gypsy, it’s heartbreaking. The baby has the GPD because of his mother and her father. He has an environment that is fertile soil. His father (non-narc) is trying to get full custody. Although it means I’d probably never see him, I pray he goes to live with his Dad full time before it’s too late.
The push and pull, hot and cold, shifting sands of the narcissistic dynamic is no way for a child to grow up. A child wants the approval of their mother the most. What worked yesterday won’t work today and off they go jumping through hoop after hoop, never to get the approval and love they crave. Insidious child abuse. I love my niece, but some people have no business becoming parents.
I know what you mean MB. A narcissist shouldn’t be a parent, in my opinion. When you say that a child wants the approval of their mother the most, it makes me think of a couple of things from some of the things I’ve been reading recently:
1. A mother and baby together create a dual pair in the first months and years of the baby’s life and their nervous systems (including the brain, heart, digestive system and nerves) are ‘co-regulated’. Through what is described as ‘neuroception’ they both share instinctive emotional and receptive behaviours. It’s a lot more complex than that, however, I’m summarising it for the sake of a short comment. I’m referring to the Polyvagal Theory first written about by Dr Stephen Porges.
2. Anther aspect comes from an article (I can’t remember the author or the article’s name) I read a while back about a fundamental difference in the way girls and boys perceive their mother (or primary caregiver). Basically, this article said that girls are motivated to ‘become’ like their mother, while boys are motivated to ‘be becoming’ to their mother. Both girls and boys seek their mother’s approval, however, they go about it in different ways. A boy seeks his mother’s approval by doing what he perceives will please his mother and his ‘purpose’ is what is important. A girl seeks her mother’s approval by doing things that are similar to what her mother does and her ‘action’ is what is important.
The way a baby’s personality is shaped is fascinating, and it really does take both nature and nuture.
MB,
Yes, it’s heartbreaking when you see it. The example you give is very appropriate and I can imagine it happening. It seems like a fairly small incident, however, in the context of a baby’s growing brain and developing nervous system, it’s very important. If the boy is treated like that often every day, it’s going to have a huge effect overall on his mental state and personality. And it’s so difficult to go back in time and change things once the brain is fully developed or when the child is an adult.
Lately, I’ve been reading about the Polyvagal Theory (first written about by Dr Stephen Porges) as well as the way the ‘cognitive’ parts of the brain in infancy develop most beneficially when the ’emotional’ parts of the brain are well regulated and in a ‘safe’ state of co-regulation with a caregiver. Also, the natural temperament of the child may mean that a child requires particular ways of being treated or talked to or encouraged etc. Sometimes there is a mismatch between a child’s natural temperament and the caregiver’s attention and treatment. It’s very interesting and complex and provides insights into conditions such as depression, anxiety and personality disorders in general.
I don’t have children of my own, so I’m speaking from a position of ignorance, however, I see other people with their children. Having a child is difficult and demanding and a huge responsibility, but, sometimes, to me it’s obvious what a child needs – either attention, or rest, to be held, to be talked to, to be reassured, to be given an explanation, or to be scolded appropriately, etc, and the parents are doing the opposite or they’re ignoring them, or they’re placing inappropriate demands on them, or they’re too busy on themselves and their own activities.
It makes me wonder why people have children in the first place. That’s not being judgemental or critical, but more of an observation or ‘truth-seeker’ way of questioning. To me it seems that some parents perceive that having children is a ‘requirement’ or that it’s ‘easy’ – as though the child will (or should) virtually just raise itself emotionally or learn by itself while being ignored, controlled, yelled at or told ‘no’ etc without being given an explanation. Those early years are so important though, and will affect the child for the rest of their life.
WN, I don’t think people realize the importance of the early years. I know I didn’t with my children. I also have come to realize that my issues stem from that time as well.
Re: why some people have children. My niece did it to bind this particular man to her and by a different appliance a few years earlier. (She has an older child too.) She had an abortion just a few months before becoming pregnant with this one. Impregnation by the wrong appliance or assertion of control over an appliance. Everybody in the family wondered why she would abort one and then keep this one so soon after. If you don’t want to be a mother three months ago, why change your mind now? I knew. (Thanks to HG) It’s manipulation, not motherhood. These precious beings are just pawns on her chess board.
MB,
I agree that people don’t realise the importance of the early years. There are many very valid reasons why that’s the case and in many cases, it’s very understandable. Parents can be pulled in many different directions, they can be overwhelmed or distracted, or just busy and/or stressed out trying to make a living. There are so many different reasons, and most of the time, I think parents truly want to do the ‘right’ thing.
Then there are the narcissistic reasons as well, like the situation with your niece. It’s callous of her that she had an abortion and then became pregnant again just three months later and decided to keep the baby. Women can ‘trap’ men by becoming pregnant, and men can also bind women to them by making them pregnant. It can work both ways, and it’s a deceptive thing to do for all involved. I imagine it happened even more often before the days of contraception and before women could freely work and be independent.
When I think more deeply about it, it amazes me that people can be so bold to manipulate the lives of those around them and their babies to such an all-encompassing extent. Like you say, a baby is a pawn to a narcissistic mother. It just makes me think how important empathy and conscience really are.
WN, very interesting. I will have to look more into the polyvagle theory. Thank you for your insight.
You’re welcome Gypsy Heart. Yes, it’s a very interesting and informative theory. It explains quite a lot about the earliest development of a baby’s ‘instincts’. Also, the concept of ‘neuroception’ and heart regulation is very interesting in relation to emotional development and the reactions of fight, flight, or freeze. The Polyvagal nerve is something that all mammals have and it exists to allow both self-protective behaviours as well as social approach behaviours when we instinctively feel that the environment is ‘safe’.
I think that a lot of what we call ‘disorders’ or mental health ‘problems’ are understandable developments when considered in the context of how a baby was treated or how it experienced it’s earliest environment. It may not even be a case of bad parenting or abuse as such, but simply some kind of rupture or disturbance or lack in the ‘co-regulation’ between the baby and it’s caregiver.
Wiser now, I was thinking about the effects of narcissism in these formative stages. I see how it can be detrimental whether the mother is a narcissist. But I can see the detriment if the mother is a victim also and in a constant state of fight or flight during this coregulation stage. Human physiology is fascinating. I am excited about reading the scientific literature on this subject. Plus in my nursing career I specialized in cardiovascular, so Im interested in the heart regulation aspect of it.
Gypsy Heart,
I agree with you that human physiology is fascinating. Also, it would be quite rare, I think, that a baby is raised in absolutely ‘perfect’ conditions. Scientific research can give us an idea/explanation about what happens and why, and it can describe the ‘ideal’ circumstances, but reality, or nature, makes the ‘ideal’ situation almost impossible to recreate.
Since you are a qualified nurse, Gypsy Heart, this kind of scientific literature or information is close to your field of study and so you will probably ‘get it’ more easily than your average person. It’s very interesting to me as well. The heart regulation aspect of it goes into how the heart is regulated to beat either faster or slower depending on the perceived safety of the environment. This is also connected to the seemingly contradictory states of emotional reactivity in borderline personalities too. If you want to read more about it, a good place to start is to go to the website of Dr Stephen Porges 🙂
MB, I’ve also thought many times some people shouldn’t be parents. Makes you want to scoop the kid up and take them home with you doesn’t it.
MB, that is totally heartbreaking.
But please don’t sell yourself short that you are helpless.
What you do could count more than doing nothing. It might not but it could.
I believe many an aunt/uncle/teacher/family friend have intervened with their small, kind acts and have “saved” children.
mollyb5 and WiserNow,
Thanks for bringing this up and expounding.
“The narc is essentially using his deep inner instincts to ‘play’ women, in the same way that the first woman who had a relationship with him – his mother – would ‘play’ him.”
This really helps me make sense of Narcx’s professed love and reverence of his mother. He can’t hate her openly, so he hates through other channels, his ex-wife, me, whoever he is/was “intimate” with…and everyone else, for that matter.
You’re welcome lisk. I’m glad it helps you to make more sense of things. The more I read and delve into the whole psychology of human development, the more I can understand both my own behaviours and the behaviours of others. It helps to change or improve or be more grounded in your own self with greater understanding.