Never Again
I have lost count of the times that I have been told “never again”. I have heard it said by other people who have met my kind even more often. I am entirely relaxed when I hear this phrase because I know that although your intentions are to never go through that dance again with me or one of my kind, it will happen.
We may be gone for some time but we will return and when we do we will resurrect all those wonderful memories as we seek to Hoover you back into our reality. The emotional attachment that we create is so great that even though you looked in the mirror every morning and mouthed “Never again” to yourself you will struggle to resist.
You cannot help but wonder if this time it will be different. You do not want to say no for fear of someone else receiving our amazing and scintillating love. You want it. You learned the lessons and as the introspective empath that you are (as well as suitably conditioned by us) you will blame certain things on yourself.
You will convince yourself, because you want to taste that mesmerising kiss once again, that we have changed and that this time it will be different. Why should someone else get to experience that wonderful love? That is not fair. You put up with the rough and the smooth. You have earned your stripes so it is only right that you get to have us again isn’t it? That is what you want.
When we first departed and you saw (for we wanted you to see) that we had found someone new it ripped you apart. Notwithstanding the full horror of your dance with us you hated the fact that someone else now basked in our glorious light. You wanted to warn them not because you cared about that person but because you wanted us back. You wanted us to yourselves.
You felt a sense of unfairness that she was now with us. You would lie awake wondering if I was saying the same things to her as I had said to you. You wondered how she would respond to that blazing, heavenly love that you once relished. Would I be the same for her as I was to you? You kept telling yourself that it was only a matter of time before she befell the same fate that you endured, yet the postings and pictures told a different story.
You began to worry. Had I changed? Had I become a better person after you? Was she somehow able to please me in a way that you could not? You had to know. You had sworn never again but now you wanted me back. You wanted her to go away and free me to be yours again so that you could apply your learned lessons and everything would be wonderful again.
She did not deserve me did she? But you did. You made such sacrifices. You opened your heart to me despite the daggers I drove into it. You served your time and you are entitled to your reward. Not this Jane-come-lately. You want to give us that chance to prove we can do it.
You want to show you brought benign influence to bear. You want to prove that the beast can be brought to heel in the most compassionate manner. You might say never again but you do not truly mean it. Not in your heart of hearts.
By contrast when we say “Never again” we most definitely mean it. Never again will your life be the same after meeting us.
Never again will you feel able to trust anybody after being subjected to our acid reign.
Never again will you be able to smell certain scents, hear certain songs and see certain places without breaking down in tears.
Never again will you love someone in the way that you loved us. Never again will you want somebody as much and in such an intense way as you wanted us.
Never again will you be able to feel calm and relaxed since for too long you have been subjected to a heightened state of anxiety.
Never again will you experience that euphoria you once had with us. So when you declare never again it is never truly meant, but what you fail to realise is just how many things will never again be the same for you.
28 thoughts on “Never Again”
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As I approach my one year anniversary of total complete NC from Narcoholic- all sorts of stuff and memories are coming up. Not just of him, but about my kids dad , and my MMR (DLS)
For several nights in a row I’ve dreamed Narcoholic has slithered back into my life- in the dream there are other men interested in me but I have to ditch Narcoholic – who has assumed we are back together.
I’ve been dreaming of my kids dad and being violently angry at him bc he is abandoning us over and over in each dream for drugs and parties.
I’m almost one month total NC from my MMR (who I extended my DLS situation – mostly platonically lol- to do my HG testing on)
I’m 💯 narc free
And lots of stuff is coming up.
Also this week is 2 years sober for me . It’s great – but I only drank for 5 years. I’ve been fucked over by Narcs for 24.
So honestly the 1 yr NC from Narcoholic is a way bigger deal right now.
I guess regular birthdays, or anniversaries will never be as important as the anniversaries of going NC from my narcs.
There’s something that will never again be the same.
WokeAF
Congratulations on both the sobriety and no contact. The sobriety is a huge deal because it lowers the risk of you making bad decisions (like breaking no contact) and brings you back to yourself and your children. Make your own new anniversaries with positive things. The day you bought something or booked a vacation and didn’t have to hear how wrong or expensive it was, the month you first realized how peaceful your home is now, the day you looked in the mirror and liked what you saw and knew that everything would be alright as long as that woman stays true to herself and in charge.
. It’s a happy anniversary – never woulda seen that sort of celebration coming but as HG points out , narcs DO introduce unusual milestones 😆
Oh if I wasn’t sober I’d still be in intimate contact with 2 of my narcs (Narcoholic amd my MMR) NO DOUBT. No self control , higher libido , ugh.
Just keep reminding ourselves what HG has repeatedly told us: the replacement won’t be getting anything we didn’t. The replacement will be getting EXACTLY what we got, including the devaluation and the discard.
Because Narcs.
I keep saying never again I am leaving and here I am still. Your kind has a way with words it’s hard to explain.
Maybe definitely never again.
But different, and better, next time? Absolutely!
Acid reign is right. Makes my blood run cold just thinking of her.
The last line of this essay is the deepest part on so many levels. You have to cut them out of your lives and save your psyche. HG’s words will always stick with me, “once you know, you go. You get out and stay out.”
You are so right about this, HG. I also think (no offense here) I will never have sex with anyone again. 💁🏻♀️
Joanna K Bryant
How am I to not take offence to the fact that you don’t want to have sex with me? I’m caring and a lot of fun and shouldn’t be made to pay for the deceit of others. Why should I be denied the delight and warmth of your company? Or you mine? I understand that you will be wary and want to take your time, and that’s okay because I’m the real deal and I will not rush you or demand things of you that make you feel uncomfortable just to please me. You don’t have to seek me out if you don’t want to because you are whole just as you are, but after some time on your own if I present as someone you might be interested in, use the knowledge you have gained here to guide you along a healthier path than you previously were on. Note any red flags and trust your gut. This is your time now.
Sincerely,
Anyone
Dear Anyone,
The reason I suspect I will never have sex with anyone again is because I have no valid offers. If you knew me and could see me, you would notice that I am 57 years old, hot AF for my age, and a high performance (sexual not automobile) model. The only options I have are 65+ year old men on Match.com (yes, even up to 74 year olds) who have ‘dad bods,’ gray hair or bald, and wrinkled. They probably can not even maintain and erection! So, dear anyone, if you think you are going to enjoy my warmth, you better be < 50 years old, have real hair that is not gray, and a log sized disco stick that lasts longer than 8 minutes. As for a real relationship, no thanks, I spent 30 years with my Nex and like me better now. =)
Sincerely,
Joanna
I hope I did not offend you, NarcAngel. I like to joke about the fact that I can not even get a valid booty call! I am definitely whole, stable, and better off now than I was 6 months ago. Thank you for your response and offering me hope that one day I will be ready for some narc-less intimacy! <3
Ha, I love this “letter” NA. Truly brilliant and in good spirit. It was moving to me.
JB, I swear I have a preference for dad bods. I do not want to delve into whatever that means : P and I’m sure I am incurable. Lol, “log sized disco stick” haha.
nunya biz: When it comes to the dad bod, at least there is more cushion for the pushing. =)
JB, I like a comfy bod!
“Never again is what you swore the time before”
TPOT: Wow. Darn. You stole my thunder. I saw your name,The Policy of Truth, (one of the best songs of all time) and Never Again, together, on Recents Comments, and it was irresistible to me, and I came over here to make a certain comment, but I was too late. Because, You nailed it already. Sigh… Salute!
Haha sorry, I couldn’t resist either 😉 *chin chin*
TPOT,
This article was very triggering for me just because of that song. As soon as I read the title, I had the lyrics in my head for days! I would tell him on many occasions that I wasn’t comfortable being the other woman and would tell him we couldn’t sleep together anymore. He would manage to work his way back into my pants again and then would add this one to the playlist. It has been 9 months since I slept with him and 4 months since I’ve been no contact. This time i am resolved to maintain “never again”. Now if I could just get that damn song out of my head!
Gypsy Heart
Replace that song with another one. Let it go…let it go…turn away and slam the door…let it go…
You’re welcome.
Let it go will always remind me of Windstorm.
Thank you NA,
It seems a lot of HGs articles have been triggering lately because of song lyrics that are in the titles. Music was the medium that he worked best in. You are right, I just need to put on my own music. One song that Ive changed the lyrics to and have been having fun with dancing around the house to is ” let’s talk about ex baby, lets talk about you and me. Lets talk about all the good things and the bad things……”
Also the cold dead stare was very triggering remembering my fathers pale blue cold eyes that seemed to lose all color during his fits of violence and fury. He also would comment on how expressive my eyes are and that is why I have such a hard time with eye contact in general.
Thank you NA, I will put on my own music when this happens. I like your suggestion also.
I miss Windstorm!
She still reads
Oh good. I too take some time away from comments every now and then but I always read.
Listen to Since you’ve been gone by Kelly Clarkson and its great you have remained no contact!
Thank you all….some good suggestions!
Gypsy Heart: That is tooooooo good a song to put out. Maybe you can think of some way to use the song for YOUR benefit, and control how you NOW think of and utilize the song. I think it is one of the best songs ever written. Dealing with some people would cause us to need a lobotomy to erase every single memory. Keep the good stuff, like that song.