The Impact of Escaping The Narcissist – Part One


No Contact is the holy grail of escaping from the grip of our kind. It is the of course, for numerous reasons, both on your side and ours, it is not always possible to achieve it. Nevertheless, because No Contact amounts to ignoring our kind, it remains the most powerful tool in the victim’s armoury. You are always advised to implement it and keep it in place when you have ascertained that you are dealing with one of our kind. Not only does it provide you with a period of respite after a tumultuous period of time, so that you can recuperate and gather some much needed strength, it also reduces drastically our effect on your because we operate so much based on our interaction with you. Although we may derive Thought Fuel from knowing how you will react to many of our manipulations that will only sustain us for a period of time until it then begins to fade. If we continue to apply the same manipulation in expectation of a response but there is none forthcoming which we can witness, then the envisioned reaction loses its potency and moves from Thought Fuel to a criticism of us because we are being ignored. Thus if you have escaped out clutches and we send you a series of text messages, at first we envision that you will be upset to receive them and this provides us with Thought Fuel. If there is no response however, this Thought Fuel fades in its potency and we are left feeling ignored after a period of time and this then amounts to a criticism and ignites our fury. This is why No Contact is so important to you and so infuriating to us.

How then do our kind feel when No Contact has been implemented? Let us begin with the Lesser Narcissist. If you tell the Lesser Narcissist that the Formal Relationship has ended and do so in person, you have just ignited the blue touch paper. His instinctive reaction is one of huge criticism at this rejection. He will barely feel the rejection however as the ignition of his fury will be almost immediate. A massive eruption of heated fury will occur and you are in physical danger. He will not beg for you to stay; he will not plead with you. Such thoughts do not present themselves to him because the proverbial red mist has descended. Rage is coursing through him, furious and visceral rage which obliterates any rational thinking. He has lost control and he will direct this heated fury at you. He will physically prevent your departure as he locks doors, removes keys, bolts gates, closes windows and so forth. Expect the tyres on your car to be slashed or the windscreen put through as he continues to pace back and forth, cursing and hurling all manner of insults at you There is a complete loss of control. He may very well attack you, blind fury causing a flurry of punches and kicks in your direction. If there is a weapon to hand it will be used. His instinctive response is one he has not control over and it is done to achieve one thing and one thing alone; to cause you pain. He has no time to make your frustrated or angry. He cannot wait (although he does not know this) for the tears to flow (although they will). He need fuel because this massive rage that has been caused through the horrendous wound you have generated from you telling him it is over and you are leaving is draining him and draining him fast. The huge wound you have created needs to be healed and the ignited fury is using his fuel up and doing so quickly. He needs an emotional reaction from you. It must be straight away. Thus he lashes out at your verbally and physically to generate a pained response by you, accompanied by fear and then upset. This will give him the instant hit of fuel. This will begin to repair the wound. He will not allow you to get away from him for two reasons. The first is that subconsciously he needs you there to provide the fuel which he needs. Secondly, allowing you to go would more or less finish him, since it would be a further criticism. This departure criticism wounds on two fronts. First, the very fact you are going (having said that you were) opens up another criticism by telling him he is not good enough. Secondly, the fact he has not been able to stop you, destroys his sense of power and control. The first criticism of telling him it is over if allowed to combined with the double-edged criticism of departure will bring him to the brink of collapse. Thus his instinctive reaction is both to stop your departure and to draw fuel from you. If he injures you, this will most likely prevent your departure. He will keep attacking you until the rage subsides. This will happen when the wound has been healed by the fuel you provide.

If you cannot escape but (somehow) provide no fuel when assaulted (physically and verbally) your criticism of telling him, you will go will continue to wound him. He has no choice but to keep attacking you in order to provoke a reaction. It is a knee jerk response and extremely unlikely as it is, if you failed to provide fuel, this continued assault would most likely result in you being killed. Of course nearly everybody subjected to this would respond in pain and fear, thus the fuel is provided. Significant (and potentially life threatening) harm will already have happened. Once the rage subsides, you will be left in a crumpled heap, possibly unconscious as finally the rage leaves him.

Telling a Lesser Narcissist that the Formal Relationship is over and doing so face to face is an extremely dangerous step.

What of the situation whereby you leave a letter, send a message or just do nothing and allow him to work out that it is over? Once realisation has dawned on him that you have departed, the fury is ignited once again. There is the first criticism and he is severely wounded. The second criticism has not yet happened however. That double-edged criticism has not occurred. This is because although you have left he was not given the chance at the point of knowing it was over to try to stop you. Thus, his fury is ignited but he is not overwhelmed (yet) by the wound. With fury ignited, the Lesser will fly into a rage and lash out at those around him in an immediate knee jerk response to draw fuel in order to address the wound. Straight away his only thought is to find you. If he does and is able to face you face to face, then scenario will pan out as above. He will smash things up in order to reach you, break down doors, assault people to get past them and once he has you face to face you will be ordered to return home. If you do not, you will be forcibly taken back, assaulted in the process. It is akin to a caveman dragging his wife back to the cave.

If you manage to resist his attempts to drag you back, either because he cannot find you or if he can find you he cannot reach you, the failure to achieve his aim will wound him further. Anybody who is in his path – friends, family, strangers, the police – will feel the full force of his raging fury. This will continue in a bid to draw fuel from them. If fuel is provided it will not completely heal the wound (in the way fuel form you would) but rather it will provide him with enough to cause the rage to subside. He will then withdraw to lick his wounds and seek out alternative fuel. He may return, but not straight away. His follow-up hoovers will depend on entering the spheres of influence. His immediate need will be to recover from this criticism and find a new primary source whilst relying on fuel from secondary and tertiary sources.

If you resist his attempts to drag you back and he is unable to draw fuel in the immediacy from those around him – for example he is arrested and slung in his cell, or people stay out of his way- thus he is denied fuel, he will be teetering on the edge of oblivion. The rage will be extinguished as there is nothing left to power it anymore. He will feel weak and a sense of his world coming to an end. He will withdraw and enter a depressed state, hiding away from the cruel and tormenting world. He will stay in this state until such time as someone provides him with the first drops of fuel to pull him from this depressed and weakened state. Like water hitting a thirsting plant, he will respond to this fuel and then have sufficient energy to seek out more and then more, continuing his recovery until he is functioning in his usual way. At this point, he will need a new primary source (if one has not already presented itself to him) and he will apply himself to securing this (which may include hoovering you if circumstances allow). If you are not hoovered, he will seduce a different new primary source and then be occupied with that primary source. You will largely be left alone unless you enter the inner spheres of influence which will unleash a hoover.

The reaction of the Lesser Narcissist to No Contact is one of blinding, blazing fury. He lashes out left, right and centre in the immediate and pressing need for fuel. If he obtains fuel from you and secures stopping you from leaving, the rage will abate. If he cannot stop you but secures fuel, he will eventually withdraw, rage unable to be powered, but with sufficient fuel to still function and seek out a new primary source. If that fuel is denied to him he will ultimately shut down until such time as fuel is provided to awaken him again.

The Lesser’s immediate response is dangerous, violent but entirely predictable.



  1. We were 17 when we met. We fell in love & I took his virginity. When we moved in together I discovered that his appetite for physical and verbal abuse almost rivaled his need for sex. Refusal to put out always met with a series of kicks.
    One day, suddenly, he moved out. I was relieved. Then I was pregnant.
    It didn’t matter that I was “with child,” his needs to control had to be satisfied. And then there were the other girls, of course. At the time I had no idea what a narcissist was; I just knew he was toxic.
    One night I met a desperately lonely soldier who wanted an instant family. We had a whirlwind romance and got married around the time my ex realized I had gone NC.
    The day after I delivered the baby, a mutual friend stopped in to find out the baby’s stats. Apparently my ex had run off with another girl, but wanted to know about the baby.

    Fast forward 30 years.

    I’d long forgiven my ex for his behavior. I mean, aren’t all teenagers difficult and selfish?
    My son needed a transplant. I found my ex’s contact info online and contacted him.
    I was relieved to discover that he was happy to hear from me. TOO happy, I realize now.
    If I knew then what I know now, that phone call would have gone A LOT differently.

    He doesn’t use the “n-word” but he definitely knows “how” he is.

    I don’t know what to expect in the future, but I have an uneasy feeling about it.

    How likely is it that he’s ACTUALLY “forgiven” me and will let me live in peace?

    1. I require more information about the circumstances and have more information to convey to you to address your questions. You should organise an email or audio consultation and I will be able to assist you.

      1. You’re right. (Of course! 😉)
        I apologize for breaking protocol here. I’ll rake something together and contact you soon.
        Thank you for replying.

        1. No need to apologise NSS, there is no protocol on such things. You are always welcome to ask, however, most of the time the person commenting does not provide me with enough information and I dislike not providing a full and accurate response. Moreover, providing an answer requires the provision of more information than I have time to convey in a response on the blog, hence why I created the consultations. They were also created so people can guarantee that they will get answers and in a timescale because they have paid for the service. Although I provide a lot of information through the articles and answer on the blog, I have no obligation to answer or reply here (something that the occasional reader seems to forget (not you)).

    2. NSS, thank you for sharing your story. It made me wonder about the outcome of the transplant. I hope all is well.

      1. Thank you for asking! MB, you’re a gem. 😙
        After numerous delays, I was able to donate my kidney and after a little hiccup or two, he’s back at work and we’re planning for his wedding in October 2020.

        1. NSS, what a beautiful outcome! Congratulations on the wedding. I’m glad you are doing well after such a major operation. Thank you for the update.

  2. His rage will be extinguished because there’s nothing to power it – if he were thrown in the slammer? I didn’t know their rage needs fuel too, it’s mind boggling.

  3. This one brings back a series of memories for me HG.
    I had ribs broken because I didn’t cut the onions to his specifics that evening which was finely diced, plates smashed against the wall of the dining area and he caught me leaning in and pulling something out of the refrigerator and slammed the door multiple times as his fucking family “cheered” him on, then when he calmed down his Aunt came swooping in to inform me of what a disgraceful wife and mother I was and that list went on for some time. Then next day I was allowed to go to the hospital to be seen. I was 19.
    People don’t understand why I want nothing to do with that family and when death comes to them my response is “so” they tell me they were my family.
    It has been a long time sense I have given this time in my life any thought and I can not stop the tears this morning. I know my Grandmother never cared yet I wonder this morning is she ever really knew the hell she sent me to. I remember the last time I saw her, she had Alzheimer’s and thought I was the nurse. She thought I was still a young child and asked me where I was and she hoped I would grown up to be like me the nurse. For the first time in my life I felt accepted by the woman who raised me.
    It was the last time I saw her. I left home again and she died not long after this.

      1. Hello Mercy

        It is ok, I appreciate your concern.
        It is not often I reflect on my marriage, that particular moment in time is when I knew I had to find a way out.
        HG is right it can be dangerous to tell them in person it is over, the first time my husband found out I was leaving…..that man sunk to a level I didn’t know a person could, the next time I told him and he cut my brake lines after holding a gun to my head and pulling the trigger (it just happened to not be loaded) I can tell you I damn near pissed myself I have a scar where he hit me with it.
        I learned to survive in their world, I could never understand the why, HG taught me that. Now they (lessors and midrangers) l’ost any abilities to ensnare me, The tools I use to help heal others I use as weapons against them.

Vent Your Spleen!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.