The Online Empathic Target

THE ONLINE EMPATHIC TARGET

 

You are an obvious target when you engage in on-line dating. Your profile acts as a beacon to us. We see certain phrases and descriptions which have us making a bee line for you. You may as well strap a neon sign to your head stating “Empath” because you are sending a clear and distinct signal to us and we will move in for the kill.

On-line dating websites are popular and growing. They have millions of members and billions of page views each day. There are plenty of people looking for love on the internet. Given the ease through which one can browse, select and interact with a prospective date, it is little wonder that online dating sites are extensively used.

The ability to avoid having to plunge into a gene pool of who knows what in bars and clubs and other predictable pick-up joints means that firing up the laptop and tablet and settling back to see who is out there has become a major way of finding that other half. I have mentioned before that cyberspace is a major hunting ground for our kind. From apps to social media, through messaging to the dating websites, the speed and reach of technology is a huge boon to the narcissist in his search for victims.

Dating websites are no exception. It is there that we can sift through the prospective victims, assessing the target and gauging whether an approach ought to be made to begin the additional fact finding about this individual and commence the seduction. Dating websites attract a good proportion of cranks, wind-up merchants, no-shows, time wasters, married people searching for some sexting and potentially more and these individuals often stand out a mile. The opening gambit of the pervert who is looking for some topless pictures of you is likely to be

“U r gawjuss, do you have nudes?”

Easy to pick that jerk out isn’t it? He won’t be one of us though. He is just an arsehole. The philanderer may well belong to our brethren but when he starts with,

“I am married but my wife and I haven’t had sex for 2 years so I am not really being unfaithful in looking for some action elsewhere.”

You know that he is looking for some extra-marital fun and being so upfront about it means he is unlikely to be one of ours. You never charm somebody by playing your B.L.U.F. – bottom line up front. Rather, in order to bluff, a far more subtle and insidious approach is required.

These individuals may have narcissistic traits but they are not in our gang. They operate on a percentage basis. Keep asking for nude pictures often enough and someone is bound to agree. Keep plugging away for someone who fancies a quick bunk up and somebody will eventually respond. That is all they are interested in. They are not after your fuel. We are.

So, what do we look for when we are scouring the digital directory of potential appliances? Naturally, the cadre of narcissist affects the class traits that the relevant narcissist looks for, therefore the Somatic Narcissist will be concentrating on those who look stunning, are gym bunnies, love travel and shopping and such like. The Cerebral Narc will be looking for those who enjoy literature, the arts, demonstrate a higher education and so forth. Those class traits are highly relevant and we do look for them in the profiles of those who place themselves on an online dating site.

We also look for the empathic traits which signify to us that this person has the potential to be an excellent appliance for us and eventually maybe even be a primary source. We scour for those who have the special traits as well, which amount to a bonus. Finally, we look for indicators which tell us that you are unlikely to put up much resistance.

Combine all of these indicators – the class, empathic and special traits, add in the knowledge that you are not going to be difficult to approach and engage with and it all points towards a viable target for our attentions. Not all of the empathic or special traits will be present in your profile, this requires additional investigative work on our part which we will engage in, but we will have seen enough which tells us that you are more likely than not an empath and well worth targeting.

So what are these phrases and descriptions that stand out a mile to our kind and have us converging on you? There are numerous that exist, but here is a selection of ones which are used most often.

  1. Been Hurt Before

Our klaxon goes off to tell us that you are damaged goods and therefore ripe for the taking. Somebody has tenderized you already and thus our insidious charm will meet with little resistance. You will be delighted to find someone so caring, so compassionate, so considerate and so into you. Such a contrast to the predecessor. You will not be warier for the experience but actually more vulnerable because you clearly do not recognise our kind when we come hunting.

  1. Loves animals

If you are prepared to care for a lower life form, feed it, groom it, exercise it, play with it, buy it things, pay vet’s bills and so forth, you are clearly a caring person. Nine times out of ten an animal lover is also someone who is very caring towards their own species too, there is the odd exception of course, but it is more often a reliable indicator of empathic traits than not.

  1. I’m new to this/ I cannot believe I am doing on-line dating

You have not been able to meet anybody through a traditional method and you are telling us this because you feel somewhat awkward and silly that you are doing this. Don’t worry, we will put you at your ease because guess what? We will tell you we are new to this (of course we are not) and let’s handhold on this new adventure. This also tells us that there is a degree of desperation to find somebody because you are trying to suggest you do not use this ordinarily. Well you are here now aren’t you because nothing else has worked?

  1. I like to stay in with a glass of wine and a DVD/cosy up in front the fire/ walk in the park on Sunday and go to the pub for a roast/ have Sunday brunch and read the papers together

You are a love devotee. How so? These standard phrases originate because you have watched the fabricated happy Hollywood couples in film, or read about them in glossy magazines and novels which advocate that this is the way that couples spend every evening or Sunday together. You are susceptible to being sold the ideal of how love is, the romantic and wonderful view of love and by using phrases such as these you are indicating that to us loud and clear. You want an ideal form of love? Guess who can manufacture that in an instant?

  1. Church/God/Spirituality

If you make mention of this on your profile you are exhibiting, you operate by a moral code and therefore you will have empathic traits. If you demonstrate some form of spirituality this tells us that you have a belief system and therefore you are susceptible to suggestion. This ranges from being a good and decent person through to someone who believes that love will solve every issue and problem. That mind set is appealing to us.

  1. Charity involvement

If you make mention of your work at the local homeless shelter, you volunteer with a medical charity or are engaged in fund-raising we know you are a giver and not a taker. We also know that you have significant levels of empathy and that you will go the extra mile to secure the happiness of somebody. We want that attitude directed towards us.

  1. I am a middle child/ I come from a large family

There is a good chance you have not been afforded the attention you might otherwise have wanted and thus we know that we can secure an easy win by lavishing on you plenty of the aforementioned attention. We also regard this as demonstrating that you are quite stoic individual who has been used to just getting on with things, so that having someone come along and help you and put you at the centre of things will really gain your approval and appreciation.

  1. I just got out of a committed relationship

So you have and by writing this you are telling us two things. The first is you want another one pretty quickly because you do not like being alone. The second is that you have evidently been the one who has been dumped or cheated on as you are saying you were the one who was committed and you want other people to know that you were committed. This tells us that you are keen on getting to the truth of the matter, an empathic trait and that you will stick around.

  1. I am looking for a knight in shining armour

So many bases are ticked with this one. You are a love devotee as you are sold on the idea of romantic love. You want someone to save you and therefore you will respond well to such overtures. You have evidently suffered previously and therefore you have been softened up in that regard as detailed above. You are also expecting somebody else to be chivalrous and bear the burden, which translates into you wanting that person to buy you things, take you places and spoil you. No problem, that all comes as part of the Love Bombing package.

  1. I am seeking someone who is financially secure

You have financial problems which we can exploit and/or you were with somebody who had financial problems so you want to avoid that happening again. You are attracted to success (or the appearance of success) and this is a motivating factor for you. We will be happy to factor that in for you.

  1. I am ready for a long-term relationship

You have not been able to find anybody so far, so desperation is starting to creep in. You are also a giver and believe in relationships, you want to be bound to somebody and make it work. You have just tilted your head and exposed your throat to us.

  1. I want to be swept off my feet

Another indication of being a love devotee who believes in excessive romanticism and also a key indicator that our whirlwind approach to seduction will reap significant rewards and find favour with you. You will be swept off your feet alright, you just may have trouble getting up again.

  1. I am tired of games

Again another signal that you have suffered in the past and therefore you are susceptible to manipulation. This offers us the chance to exhibit that we are honest, straightforward and reliable to draw you in and then we can commence our manipulations of you with impunity.

  1. Looking for The One

More evidence of the love devotee, someone who is ready to pour their heart and soul into the relationship and therefore you will be overflowing with empathic traits. Not only that, you will fall prey to our various ways of telling you that you are The One, Our Soulmate and The Person We Have Waited Our Whole Life For.

  1. Mention of the caring professions

If you happen to explain you work in nursing, look after the elderly, you sign for the local deaf community and so forth, this lights up that you have empathic traits and this especially appeals to the Victim Narcissist who will be looking for his own personal carer.

There are many more and we look for a selection of these in somebody’s written dating profile to confirm to us that you will have the various traits we desire and that your resistance to being seduced will be low.

Time for a re-think on what you have written?

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52 Comments

  1. HG, I completely understand the vulnerabilities you are listing in this article and that we have been attracting narcissists all the time.

    But: Why are these things also repelling to nice guys? (in my experience)

    What kind of dating ad will attract empathic men?

    (caveat: except for the ones written by narc females)

    1. I would not advocate using dating ads to seek an empathic individual. There are so many of our kind in such a hunting ground, that as an empathic victim, you will find yourself surrounded by narcissists and the empathic individuals that are there, become crowded out. You also risk ensnarement through high emotional thinking. You are better served using alternative methods to find an empathic romantic partner and to only do so once your ET has been lowered to a safe level. If you need assistance with this, do consult with me.

      1. So you think Tinder would be a bad idea! I’ve never done that. Maybe I can do a profile pic with a Sharon Stone pose! I would die.

      2. Thank You
        I see the problem is both myself,
        and how narcissists operate.
        Gonna wait a good while before attempting to date again.
        And that will be after consultation, in my case.

    2. Cat
      Maybe nice guys are not so much repelled, but rather get drawn in by the allure of the narc profiles there also? Just a thought.

      1. You’re right,
        and this probably makes empathic ppl in general flee from online dating.
        While the narcissists stay.

      2. NarcAngel
        I guess so, It’s stunning how social media collects all the people who fall for narcissists

      3. And now I see what you mean NarcAngel

        A friend of mine showed me his tinder.
        Women with white blonde dyed hair smiling aggressively closeup into the camera. Ducklips. Cleavage zoomed in closeups. Big-eye-filters. Snap chat filter.
        Oneliner profile texts with exclamation marks.
        They looked very odd and needy.
        Very intense photos
        Probably narcs most of them.
        Was tiresome looking at it.
        Makes it hard for an empathic man to notice those 1 % relaxed women.

  2. Hola,
    Por qué cuesta tanto dejar a un narcisista? Sabiendo de lo que es capaz y conociendo su parte más oscura…por qué se sigue “enganchada”? Es amor o qué es?…ya parece una tortura en bucle.
    Gracias…y muchas gracias por el blog. Es la mejor de las respuestas.

    1. Yes, this is the best place to learn. If you need to understand more about the points that you have raised, I recommend you organise a consultation and I can help you in detail.

  3. I do frequent a FB page where people exposed to N’s chat a bit.

    I didn’t notice until this morning, but now that I’ve spotted it, I can’t un-spot it.

    I could be wrong so I’m curious about what other people think…?

    I see 2 kinds of posts made to start a conversation;

    1). Someone comes along and pours out there personal story and asks for advice and opinions.

    2). Random posts appear with pretty coloured backgrounds and a general question, such as;

    What did the Narcissist do to you that hurt you the most….?

    What did the Narcissist do that you couldn’t resist?

    Was your Narcissist romantic?

    What did the Narcissist do that made you realise what he is?

    What did you do when you found out he was a Narcissist?

    Do you still believe in love after the Narcissist?

    Did you believe everything the Narcissist told you?

    What kind of things did the Narcissist say that made you suspicious?

    Did you forgive the Narcissist when …?

    Why did you stop making contact with the Narcissist?

    Did you tell your friends or family about what you were going through?

    Etc etc etc.

    Call me overly paranoid….but, this morning it dawned on me that these types of conversation starters are gathering an awful lot of information about our weak spots, our personal circumstances, our needs and wants, what we are susceptible to. Etc.

    I also noticed that the original posters add no comment or information at all regarding their own question and situation that prompted it. Why do they care about other peoples experiences without sharing and participating in the chatter that follows?

    Is this style of post coming from the dark side who are searching and scouting for the right type? Are they hunting and collecting information?

    Is this a trick?

    My instincts are telling me that they are absolutely tricks and I’m thinking that FB is not a safe place to be at all, even if you want to help others. There is a hell of a lot of free and personal information being broadcast in response to these type of questions.

    If anyone is willing to share their opinions, I’d be very keen to read them and HG, if you have the time, I’d love to hear your opinion.

  4. HG,
    How do you spot an online Cerebral Narcissit? After reading your work, I can easily spot a Somatic Narcissist within the first few minutes of meeting one, or instantly if they contact me online. However, I feel like I am more susceptible to Cerebrals at the moment because of the hobbies i currently enjoy, and there are a few side projects I am working on that i can see would be appealing to Cerebrals. What clues would I be looking for?

  5. I can’t believe women would even write, I want to be swept off my feet, night in shining armor or any of these other headlines. I think they are kinda ridiculous. I would much rather state what I am about, stand for and can and won’t tolerate. What would that tell your kind, if I was even interested in online dating, to which I would never be as it would be exhausting and time consuming.

    1. Vanessa, I don’t know what makes you say that online dating is “exhausting and time-consuming” – especially if you’ve never tried it.

      I tried it a long time ago and decided that it wasn’t for me, but I found it to be neither exhausting nor especially time-consuming – even though I received lots and lots of responses.

      And as for women wanting a “Prince Charming” to come and “sweep them off their feet”… while they may not necessarily use that particular terminology, LOTS & LOTS of women – many of whom even claim to want casual sex and one knight stands – cry themselves to sleep because what they REALLY want is a “knight in shining armor.”

      1. I’ve come to realised that this whole “knight in shining armour” is a form of objectification of men. Generally speaking I don’t like men and rarely defend them, but I can see how the expectations of being a walking wallet, protector and provider, is a form of objectification. The same way that the expectation placed upon women of being a stepford wife by day and a porn star by night is objectifying. I
        I stopped dating men partly because these kinds of gender politics put up barriers between us. But then again I dated narcissists and that was also the primary problem.

          1. HG I have a question…
            I’m sure your dad is an example of a lovely man who got unlucky.
            Have you ever tried to explain to him what matrinarc is?

          2. Violetta, I think HG was referring to the objectification of both men and women.
            Women get pregnant and during pregnancy, birth, and during early child rearing when the child is dependent on their breast, women are certainly vulnerable and generally more vulnerable than men because of our biology. So, I can see how biology played a significant part in developing these polarising gender roles, however the narcissists definitely seek to capitalise off of it for their own benefit.
            I don’t know how to properly articulate what is it that I’m trying to say…
            Narcissists just take everything that may be natural and can be used positively and they just twist it and make it into something oppressive and perverted.

          3. HG just a thought… I think weaponsing your dad and influencing him to leave your mum would be great revenge against her

          4. Witch: Maybe he’s even angrier at his Dad. His Mum is a narc can’t do any better. His Dad is “good.” Shouldn’t more be expected from “good” people?

          5. We are saying sorry because it’s awkward and sad, I created a whole scenario as if he were alive…and he died without escaping matrinarc and it’s just uncomfortable for us empathetic people and you said “pointless” instead of just saying he’s dead straight up, making it even more awkward, like damn!

          6. Well yes HG, I’m aware you’re a psychopath and you wouldn’t care. But when you respond with pointless you know I’m going to ask more questions. It would save time if you just said what it is.

          7. HG, some of us were probably concerned that tactless remarks about your family might hurt your feelings.

            I know, we’re so silly sometimes.

          8. I appreciate the sentiment but you are (understandably) imposing your worldview onto me. Do carry on.

          9. A couple thougths:

            I think HG’s response of “Pointless” was the antitheses of provocative. If HG had said his father passed, it might invite sympathetic responses that I would assume he neither desires nor enjoys. In that light, “pointless” is logical and accurate.

            Violetta, I would say an empathetic remark is not silly no matter the audience. It may not be wanted or needed, but your remark honors who you are and shows respect for the other.

        1. HG, I’ve read the death article so now I know you don’t want to be reminded of death.
          Yes you do a lot for free in order to build your legacy.
          I’m changing the subject.
          I haven’t seen leaving neverland but I’ve see other videos about the documentary. Apparently there are a few discrepancies in Wade Robson’s and James safechucks accounts.
          I know MJ is a greater narcissist as you’ve already said, so we know he was a pedophile but I also wonder if either wade or James or both are narcs as well? Their mothers could very well be narcs, especially wade’s mother.
          I’d be interested in “a very hehe narcissist” series. I would even pay for your dirt on wade and James.

  6. I was picked up on Facebook, not really a dating app but might as well be one. I’m not sure what was on my profile that attracted my ex lesser. Maybe it was because I was married at the time and rarely ever posted about my husband. I was a sitting target. I never doubted anyone. If someone said they thought I was beautiful, I believed them. I took people at face value, never thought I would run into an evil person, they were someone else’s problem or on TV. It didn’t help that I was in a failing marriage and spent hours on Facebook every night. Sometimes until 2am. Not looking for love, just browsing or chatting. When I started chatting with my ex lesser, he was everything my husband wasn’t. Basically a night in shining armor. He said everything I always wanted to hear. I thought I was so lucky that I met such a wonderful person on Facebook of all places! Of course he wasn’t always perfect at the beginning. There were a few times he would disappear from online for hours and I had no idea why. I let it slide. A few times we were chatting and I would mention something he didn’t like or didn’t agree with and he would sign off in the middle of the conversation. A big red flag. If someone does that to me now they will be blocked. Lesson learned. When I start dating again I will have many boundaries and red flags will not be excused.

  7. Hi HG,
    I’ve been told that all psychopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are psychopaths. Do you agree?
    How would one know the difference between a standard-issue narcissist & his/her psychopathic cousin?

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