Exposure During Devaluation

That lightbulb moment has arrived. You know what you are dealing with. At last. You’ve known that what is happening or has happened to you is wrong. You didn’t know why it was happening and you certainly had no idea that you were ensnared by a narcissist but now you do know. You know what he or she is.

In keeping with your empathic traits of honesty, decency, goodness and wanting to seek the truth, amongst other characteristics, you feel that hard to resist pull of wanting to utilise your new found knowledge. You are not addressing the desire to tell us what we are, although that is also pressing, but instead it is that need to tell the world, everybody else,what we are.

I do not mean your close and trusted confidantes. They may well already have reservations about us (even if they do not know what we are) and will need little convincing. Exposing us to them has little impact anyway since we will have most likely regarded them as trouble makers and sought to discredit and isolate them from you already.

This exposure is in respect of telling our family, our friends, our work colleagues, our fellow team members, neighbours and anybody else you can think of.You want to expose us. You want everybody to know the label that describes us and you want everybody to know precisely what that means. You want to detail the cunning seduction, the sudden switch to devaluation, the mind games, the abuse, the push and the pull, the torture, the future faking, the despair, the insidious nature of it, the lies and the lies and the lies.

You want to create a flyer, a billboard, a film ripping that mask off and exposing everything that lies underneath. It is not enough to tell people that we are a narcissist, after all, most people will not understand what that really means. No, what you want to do is give the world the knowledge that we are a narcissist and this means x,y and z. The full horror. The gory detail. You want that spotlight that we crave so often to turn into a searing, burning flame of truthful exposure that causes us to shrink away from its illuminating beam causing us to scuttle away, a pariah, an outcast and a reject. Exiled by your exposure of what we truly are. What sweet revenge, what satisfaction to let everybody know just what we are so that nobody else in the locality falls for the deceit, the fraud and the seductive con-tricks ever again.

Do you do it?

Of course there are those of you, most likely those who have absorbed the knowledge provided to you and whose character leans this way in any event, who would rather focus on using your new found knowledge to get out and stay out and you are not concerned about achieving an exposure.

But what about for those of you who feel this pressing need to expose us to the wider world? What ought you to consider?

To understand what is likely to happen if you take this step, thus you become informed in your decision-making, there are two key questions.

When do you do it?

What type of our kind are you dealing with?

It is safe to say that no exposure really occurs during seduction. Firstly, next to nobody knows that they are being seduced by a narcissist. If you have an awareness following previous entanglements you invariably evade the overtures when they first manifest and get away from the relevant individual. There is no real compulsion to expose in such an instance. For the most part, the individual being seduced has no idea they are entangled with a narcissist and of course, the pleasure of the seduction would put to bed any such thoughts of exposure.

Exposure may be something that springs to mind during devaluation. It is still reasonably uncommon for someone to realise that they are in the grip of a narcissist during devaluation (enlightenment usually appears post discard or in subsequent entanglements following successful hoovers). However, let us take the instance whereby you know the treatment you are receiving is wrong and you have, somehow, been able to learn that what you are involved in is the narcissistic dynamic and this person who you love, but whose love for you has turned to malice, is indeed a narcissist.

It is noteworthy at this juncture that the prospects of exposure still remain slim because even though you may now know who you are dealing with, the emotional infection that has a hold on you, combined with your empathic traits actually fights against exposing that person. You are more likely to want to let them know what this person is in order to try to help them and make things alter. You may not have yet grasped that such a step is futile or even if you have been told this, your emotional impulses are too great and they override logic, so you remain and wish to heal and fix.

Accordingly, exposure during devaluation is uncommon owing to first the lack of knowledge and then even if knowledge is acquired, a failure to apply it owing to the emotional infection that prevails.

Let us assume however that you have gained this knowledge and you are resolute in your desire to expose us to the wider world. Should you proceed when you remain in the devaluation?

The Lesser.  If you expose the Lesser Narcissist to third parties word will reach him. He does not know what he is. Your behaviour is seen as extreme treachery. It is a criticism of him, to other people, those who know him and consider him to be a decent person, reliable and likeable. You will face resistance from those you tell because of the facade. This resistance is not substantial however because there will have been instances of the mask slipping witnessed by others although they will not have attributed it to this person being a narcissist. Instead, it will be linked to fatigue, stress, drink or such like. There is also the potential that you have been smeared by us which damages your credibility. Thus, subject to the evidence you have, its quality and independence, you may not succeed in the exposure anyway.

What you will face however is the inevitable ignition of the Lesser’s fury which will manifest as heated fury. You can expect it to be savage and brutal as you are trying to tear down his carefully created world and leave him exposed in the wilderness. You are likely to be in danger of physical assault, property damage, verbal assaults and a raging fury of a response. Since you have done this during devaluation and thus you will be readily accessible, you will be placing yourself in considerable danger.

Accordingly, if you expose us during devaluation with a Lesser you are risking serious injury and harm. You may succeed in smashing the facade, because people may well link what you say with what they have witnessed previously when the mask slips, but it is not guaranteed.

The Mid-Ranger. Word will again reach the Mid-Ranger of what you are doing. You will face considerable resistance from the facade because the improved cognitive function of the Mid-Ranger, compared with the Lesser, his degree of charm and quiet and easy manner means that those who are subjected to your exposure attempt will struggle to reconcile what you are saying with what they have seen and therefore you will have minimal impact. Of course, the quality of your evidence will have some bearing on this, but it will not be straight forward. You also have the additional obstacle of potentially having been smeared, dependent on how close discard is.

In terms of the response from the Mid-Ranger, his fury will ignite as a consequence of the criticism he sees from your exposure attempt.He will not be able to control this fury. You will be challenged by the Mid-Ranger who will initially plead with you to stop and make use of pity plays, trying to convince you that you are wrong. Remember, he does not know what he is either and therefore will see you exposing his behaviour as plain incorrect and also disloyal. If the pity play does not work, you can expect to see heated fury from the Mid-Ranger. This is one of the few occasions when heated fury is seen with a Mid-Ranger as they tend to use cold fury more often. This is because not only are they facing the loss of their primary source, they are also facing damage to the facade and this pincer movement will push him to heated fury. You can expect verbal assaults, property damage and a calculated campaign of intimidation. Physical violence remains less likely and nowhere near as brutal as that doled out by the lesser.

If you persist, the Mid-Ranger is likely then to withdraw and impose a cold fury against you with silent treatment. Subject to your response, this may actually cause him to withdraw for some time as you are discarded as a consequence of what you have done. The risk of a hoover will also be reduced owing to the knowledge that you have acquired and the raising of the bar in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria being reached.

Thus with the Mid-Ranger if you expose him during devaluation you will face an unpleasant reaction and you will struggle to affect the facade to any great degree. You will however bring about a discard and a withdrawal which may well provide you with a head start concerning no contact, but you can expect that the reaction of third parties will be difficult to deal with. Many will see you as the villain of the piece, for hurting the Mid-Ranger, for “telling tales” and spoiling, which to the outside, appeared to be a good relationship.

The Greater. What then of the Greater? How will he react and what will happen if you decide to expose him or her during devaluation? The more extensive cognitive function of the Greater combined with his wider networks means that he or she will be aware of your treachery very quickly.

First of all you have little chance of all at affecting the facade. The powers of the Greater will be such that most people will be completely brainwashed to the virtues of the Greater and will not accept what they are being told about us. Furthermore, subject to the proximity of the discard, you will have been smeared and therefore your words will be treated with scepticism (you are portrayed as a habitual liar), patronising sympathy (you have been portrayed as The Fantasist), scorn (you have been painted as The Abuser) or disgust (you have been labelled as The Ungrateful One). Also, since your treacherous exposure will be learned of quicker than in the instances above, the propaganda machine of the Greater will have been wheeled out in order to extinguish your ill-founded gossip and ramblings.

The combination of brainwashing, prompt propaganda response and smearing makes it extremely hard for you to impact on the facade of a greater. Your evidence will have to be extremely convincing and to have been delivered without a smear in place.

Secondly, the Greater will launch a charm offensive with you. You will experience a Respite Hoover and a reinstatement of the golden period. His or her ability to charm, explain, smooth over and assuage your concerns will actually cause your resolve to waver. They will appear so convincing that you will be persuaded to think that you have wrongly labelled them as a narcissist. The Greater knows what he is, but he will not admit it, but he will play to your sense of wanting to seek the truth, to understand to heal by sitting down with you and listening to your concerns. He knows that rather than have you tell the wider world what he is, it is far better to keep it between you and him. That way he causes you to shift your focus so the facade is left well alone. He may even admit he has some issues or problems and asks for your help to address them. Of course this is lip service. The Greater knows that he is better served by not reinforcing the image of being a narcissist through abuse, but better off charming you again and casting your conclusion into considerable doubt. This technique, combined with the return of the addictive golden period and the inherent empathic traits means that you are more than likely to halt your exposure.

The Greater is now fore-warned as to your knowledge. He will maintain a period of respite but will be plotting to smear you into oblivion and then discard you, so that when you try to revisit the exposure post discard you will be doomed to failure in terms of affecting the facade.

Thus, these are the likely scenarios when seeking to expose us to the wider world during devaluation. The follow-up part of this article will explain what will happen if the exposure takes place post-escape or post discard.

23 thoughts on “Exposure During Devaluation

  1. Violetta says:

    “the pleasure of the seduction would put to bed any such thoughts”
    Thought you could sneak that one past, eh?

  2. cogra002 says:

    I don’t think anyone should do it. In fact now that I’m more educated, if the XNarc comes up in a setting of colleagues, I just say “I just love him to death”, and go Southern belle on it

    1. lisk says:

      LOL, that’s so awesome, cogra.

      Southern Belle is really the final answer for so many things!

      I wonder if Southern Belles live longer?

      1. Violetta says:

        Sally Sue: Why, Lizzie Lou, Ah haven’t seen you since Buck and Ah got married! Ah’m so glad they were able to let out yor brahdsmaid’s dress in tahm to fit that lil pudgr you got. We had the best honeymoon in Aruba!

        Lizzie Lou: How naaahhhhce!

        Sally Sue: Buck’s boss is givin’ him a raise and an office just to hisself!

        Lizzie Lou: How naaahhhhce!

        Sally Sue: And the doctor says Ah’m carryin’ a BOAH, and Papa Beauregard says he’ll set up a trust for him AND buy us a new car if we name ‘im after him!

        Lizzie Lou: How naaahhhhce!

        Sally Sue: Dahlin’, we jist GOT to get you married! You don’t want to end up an old maid, do you? Now, what you been doin’ with yorself, honey?

        Lizzie Lou: Matter of fact, Ah been workin’ on that marryin’ thing. Ah been sendin’ mahself to Charm School.

        Sally Sue: Charm School? Now what they gonna teach you there?

        Lizzie Lou: Well, they already taught me Ah should day, “How naaahhhhce!” evrah tahme Ah wanna say, “Fuck yewwwwww!”

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Hahaha. I could “hear” that and enjoyed it.

          1. Violetta says:

            Highly recommend Florence King’s Southern Ladies and Gentlemen.

            I worked at one job with THREE Southern Belles: two from Tennessee and one from Alabama.
            Every word in King is true.

    2. Violetta says:

      And nobody knows just how sincere the “to death” part might be….

      1. Susan says:

        Ouch! I think I just got judged and smeared for my geographical roots. And by an empath.
        Double ouch. My little ole heart is crushed.

        1. Violetta says:

          Are you kidding? Southern Belles are the best. They figured out over a century ago how to get their way in a society where so many cards were stacked against them.

          Btw, at the job with the 3 Southern Belles, the biggest racist was…the manager from Vermont.

          Not the first time I’ve encountered that kind of thing.

          Still in touch with the one from Knoxville.

          1. MB says:

            Vi, I’m a southern belle and I thought it was effing hilarious!

  3. Soon to be sparkling! says:


    I never told anyone at work or any of our mutual friends anything at all. I had no need or desire to make him look bad. It was between him and I and that’s where I kept it.

    However, when I figured out what he was, I was so hurt and so explosive, that I told his wife.

    I told my partner what I had done, selfishly, because at the time I could not cope with the situation I deserved and again, selfishly, I needed help to reconnect with my family. I also became frightened that I was in danger.

    At the time, I felt completely justified in telling his wife. In hindsight though, I was just a jilted little a*hole for my action.

    I question my own motives now. Did I tell her just to lesson my own pain and anger and try to provoke him out of his AST?
    Did I tell her so she could have answers to all the crazy too and hopefully help herself?
    Did I tell her hoping they would split up, as I believed I was head over heals in love with him?

    I think now, that the latter is true and that I wilfully hurt someone who didn’t deserve it because I wanted him.

    So exposure at what cost and for who’s benefit? He only hurt me.

    I hurt more than 1 in my catastrophic response.

    I have to take accountability that what I did was ghastly and frankly, f*cking disgusting. How I became the monster when all I felt was love, I just don’t know! I always thought my personality was so unshakeable when it comes to what’s right and wrong, but when I was hurt, I crashed and burned and dragged down others with me. I found out that I have a dark side that I don’t like very much.

    So not only would I never expose again, I hope I can genuinely say that I would not let everything that I’m feeling become bigger than everything and everyone else around me again. I hoped I’ve learned.

    Loving (being addicted) to a narc seemed to change everything about who I was and thank god that I’m not addicted to him anymore. I was definitely a horrible version of myself and I hope I never see that side of myself again. I’ve never seen it before him, so there’s hope!

    I sure do believe in karma though and I have no doubt that I’ll eventually get a well deserved universal ass kicking for my chosen actions.

    Of course, selfishly, I have forgiven myself so I can move on. Him too. Nothing can ever be changed and there’s nothing left to do but learn and move forward.

    So to hell with exposure. It’s TNT.

    Walking away is best, for me anyway!

    1. lisk says:

      Wow, Stbs, This is a very powerful post that puts a strike in the Never Expose! column.

      What struck me most was this statement that could only be made by an empath: “I hope I can genuinely say that I would not let everything that I’m feeling become bigger than everything and everyone else around me again.”

      You recognize that it’s not *all* about you. That is lovely and loving.

      1. Soon to be sparkling! says:

        Thank you Lisk 🤗

        Yes! I am now 100% in the Never expose column. Though I can understand why others feel differently.

        At the time it was all about me in my heart and mind. Me. Me. Me.

        But that way of thinking and self pity was holding me in limbo. Even if I could manage to forgive my narc, what of my own participation in our relationship and the aftermath.

        I can always forgive others quickly and easily but looking at my own behaviour and realising that I had a lot to work on inwardly was not so easy to address.

        1. lisk says:



          Re: looking at my own behaviour and realising that I had a lot to work on inwardly was not so easy to address.”

          That uneasiness is what attracted Narcx to me and vice versa in the first place!

    2. NotMe! says:

      That’s a really helpful post STBS, thank you for sharing it. Makes me hopeful of coming to terms with my part in it as well as his.

      I can relate to your actions driven by your feelings and your disquiet at the person you were when you were with him.

      I’ve never thought of exposing him and certsinly wouldn’t now, but oh boy have I wished him ill! I’ve said hurtful things to him with the kind of spite that I can not recall being gripped by, before him. Then of course I learned that he would have been fuelled by me calling him a f@#$ing reptile and it was me who felt guilty later for being a bitch.
      I don’t think it’s selfish to forgive yourself though. You should be as kind to yourself as you are to others x

      1. Soon to be sparkling! says:

        Hello Notme!

        I think we do have to take some responsibility.

        F*cking reptile!! Oh!!! I laughed my head off! What an out-of-the-box insult! How appropriate. I always think of them in terms of parasites and vultures, but reptile? Perfect!

        We do have to forgive ourselves for sure though.

        What else can we do?

  4. Pati says:

    Maybe If I expose my midranger he will discard me

    1. Kim e says:

      Pati. Hi. I have been thinking about you. When is your chat with HG? I am really excited for you.

      1. Pati says:

        Hi Kim in a few days ,i am getting really nervous.thank you for thinking of me .

        1. Kim e says:

          Dont be nervous. Once the conversation starts, just absorb it all. If you are doing it on skype, you might be able to record it. Not sure if this fits into your world. Just a thought.
          Hope you have an enjoyable Thanksgiving. As I am not sure where you are maybe you dont celebrate Thanksgiving. But if you do, dont let N ruin it for you.

          1. Pati says:

            Hi Kim,
            Thank you for caring . I am from Canada we had our Thanksgiving in October. What about you ? Are you American?. I hope everything goes well with my consulation as I am forever grateful to have the chance to speak with HG.

          2. Kim e says:

            Yes . Born in the USA. Your consult will go fine. Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

          3. Pati says:

            Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. O hope you have a good one.💓

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