The Narcissist Manipulates : Objectification
There once was a girlfriend of mine called Lesley. My preferred method of gathering fuel from her and also manipulating her was to call her It. This was extremely demeaning and in line with my worldview that people are just objects and appliances to do things for me. You may be an admiring appliance, you may be an accommodating appliance and run around for me. Alternatively you may be an enabling appliance providing me with what I want. A person is an appliance is an object. I was able to reinforce this especially with Lesley. I did not do it all the time. This would have diluted its effect. I would however be consistent in its application however. In some respects it was a half-way house to the Silent Treatment as I was not acknowledging her completely, I was belittling her but not quite ignoring her totally. The fact I was talking about her made her feel as if she had to respond and thus I got what I was looking for; a reaction.
I would start first thing in the morning. As ever, I was awake first as I had had a refreshing night’s sleep, the sleep of the just. She had probably lay awake for a few hours after I turned my back on her when she wanted to make love. She knew better than to pester me though. As I lay on my elbow looking at her freckled face, she would blink into wakefulness. Her blue eyes would meet mine and I would see the hope surge in them as she knew I was looking at her.
“Ah,it is awake,” I would smile maintaining my gaze. The hope immediately became crushed and although she tried to hide it, I could see my blow had landed.
“Oh don’t do that please, it is horrible,” she would say pleasantly.
“It seems to have something to say. It always has,” I would remark. She would shake her head.
“Please, stop it, you know I don’t like it when you do that.”
“It wants us to stop. It always wants its own way.”
“No I don’t.”
“It is getting annoyed now. It is always loses its temper.”
“Pack it in.” She would rise from the bed and make for the shower. I would hover nearby and give a running commentary.
“It is washing itself using the shower gel we bought for it. It likes to smell nice.”
“It is washing its hair now. It is trying to wash the guilt away. It reeks of it.”
Lesley would try to ignore the comments but I knew from her sighs and the slumping of the shoulders it was getting to her. Having subjected her to maybe fifteen minutes of commenting on what she was doing, I shifted the tack and began to use this technique in a more suggestive fashion.
“It ought to wear a pencil skirt and blouse today. It does not want to look too sloppy even if it is a Friday.”
Lesley would pick out the suggested outfit. I knew why she did it. She felt that by making this suggestion, even though I was still calling her it, it showed I was interested in her and she lapped it up. She completely missed that this was what I wanted her to do for me and was nothing to do with being interested in her.
“It really ought to cook breakfast as we must not go hungry.”
“It would do well to ensure the shopping is done before we return this evening.”
“It should remember we are going out tonight and it is not invited.”
She would depart for work, bristling but not wanting to escalate matters. My technique would continue through the day. I would telephone her and ask,
“Is it busy?”
“Yes I am, so now you are talking to me are you?”
“It wants to know if we are talking to it. Now we are not.” I would put the phone down.
By evening she would be pleading with me to stop it, tears welling in her eyes. Lesley had had enough of my objectification which was sustained and cutting through out the day. As I picked up my wallet in readiness to heading out with my friends, without her, I would turn and say,
“I am going out now. I will see you later.”
The smile that erupted across her face was immense as I had dropped the It commentary.
“Okay, have a good time,” she would answer pleasantly.
“I will. Bye Karen.”
I never looked over my shoulder but I knew how using the wrong name would hurt her.
19 thoughts on “The Narcissist Manipulates : Objectification”
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The Leg Lamp!
Tis the season
Fragile! That must be Italian.
It’s a very important award.
Ohhhhh fuuuuuudge
This seems like one of the less successful manipulation strategies of the narcissist, since it really makes the one dishing out the “it” treatment look really petty and childish. It’s so blatantly blatant that it really can’t be that effective. I’d probably stand a minute and a half of it. The sneaky tactics are more difficult to digest. This is too easy to pinpoint and thus much easier to eliminate.
Uhh I laughed so much reading that. You’re wacky like me 😂 I used to call the psychopath It sometimes. That would be funny to have someone commentating on your behaviours all day.
I feel you Bibi
I used to feel that elation when he used my full name. Until it was only used at the beginning of a verbal or written assault and then my stomach would drop.
Reading this article and your comment provoked a lot of anger and shame in me. Guess I’m not as calm as I thought I was. I know everyone does things that make them cringe, looking back, but God, why does there have to be so many?!
Better do some more meditating and listen to some more HG.
NotMe!
Sorry to provoke negative feelings. No reason to feel shame for what has passed. We can waste energy on them in the moment but there’s no good to come of continuing to waste it in the aftermath. I just resonated with how she seemed elated when HG used the pronoun ‘you’, somewhat akin to him ‘allowing’ me to address him by his real name. I should never have let it get that far, and neither should she. I would have been a lot meaner. Call me ‘IT’ and I will call you ‘SHIT’.
NotMe & Bibi,
I have heard MMRNs using a derogatory term for their IPPS in devaluation.
One of those words is used to refer to someone nameless, without identity *and* worthy of contempt.
I do not think any of the IPPSs in devaluation are aware of what they are called by their MRN behind their back. If so, they would have left them long ago.
E.B.
I had an old bf narc who used to call me ‘pb’ which is the chemical symbol for lead. He would pat my head and say, ‘Such a tiny brain you have.’
And HG, when I read Sex and the Narc, you spoke of these certain fetishes that this bf narc used to bemoan I would not do. He loved to yank hair and then whine that I would not let him come on my face, and at one point he took his dick and slapped my face with it.
While this seems to be funny ‘frat boy’ humour, it was very demeaning and I never wanted to have sex with him, wherein he would call me a ‘puritan’. He would also use his ex to triangulate, where he would say, ‘If you refuse to swallow, then she will always have something over you.’
No wonder the thought of sex repels me. The bf before that was just this same way, so I just assumed it’s only a matter of time before you get intellectually disparaged and made to feel inferior. I guess this is what relationships are all about. I was always happier when single. I felt I could be ‘me’.
Bibi
That’s not funny frat boy or funny anything. I’m sorry that has been your experience, but glad you know your worth and chose you over accepting that.
Ha, I like that name for him! Please don’t apologise Bibi, it is painful to read how other people have been made to feel with N’s toxic behaviour, and while it’s triggering, it’s all got to be processed, I guess. Maybe like tidying out a messy drawer, we have to take the stuff out, sort through it, throw away the rubbish and put the useful stuff back in, neatly. I hope in time to be able to just shake my head at the idea I was a sap but not quite there yet.
NotMe
I like your drawer analogy.
She has zero self-respect.
What she did to your brother was humiliating and actually she deserved such treatment.
You are good brother HG. Well-done with getting revenge for him.
I must have missed something because I fail to see the justification in this treatment.
It is written on his book elated and eroded Bibi.
It explains there why he seduced her and called IT.
Before reading about it, i was going to write here: Why do you enter a relationship with IT(object) when you consider yourself omnipotent HG? What does it say about you?
Ah, have not read that one yet, AR. Thanks.
You are welcome!
What is interesting about this is how it relates to me. As example, the Mid Ranger gave me a fake name, calling himself A. When I learned his real name was B, he still wanted me to address him as A.
As time went on during devaluation, I was unhappy about something, likely having to do with his apathy and secrecy and my telling him I don’t think he cared about me.
He did the Mid Ranger thing of giving nice words and playing the victim, but he was being nice to me and he ended his email with B for the first time ever.
Just like in this article, I felt a surge of elation–read that, a surge of elation b/c now I was ‘worthy’ enough to call him by his real name. He must truly care now.