Angel of My Creation

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I still remember with breath-taking clarity the first time I fell in love. I was 17 and there was a girl in my class called Amanda. She was tall, gamine and with a slightly upturned nose. Her hair was blonde and long, always sweeping behind her.. She always seemed to be hurrying from one place to the next, yet she did so with a measured glide that made her seem somehow ethereal. I would stand and watch her as she bustled along the corridor in college, her hockey stick poking from her bag and apologies issued from that enticing mouth as the stick bumped against people. I would position myself in class so I could look at her without her noticing. I sat at seven o’clock to her and I drank in her frame as it was hunched over the desk, those long fingers gripping her fountain pen, the blue ink staining her index finger. How I loved her slender wrists which would often be turned towards me, the skin slightly paler than the rest of her sun-kissed self. Her figure was athletic, her skin lightly tanned and there was always a clean scent about her. Whenever she passed me I would breathe in as deep as I could to savour every molecule of her fragrance that washed over me. I would lie in bed, my eyes closed and invent scenarios for us to meet and spend time together. I imagined protecting her from those that would seek to defile such a precious person as I knew full well of the darkness that lurked waiting to trap someone as pure as her. I knew my kind and what went on in our minds. I masturbated frenetically conjuring up images of her naked frame enveloped around mine, her soft lips pressed onto my cheek. I could not resist the allure she exhibited yet I cursed myself after my climax for allowing me to think of her in this way. Occasionally she would smile at me and leave me dizzy with elation.

Carefully I built up a portfolio of information about her. There was no internet to aid me then and my intelligence was gathered through a combination of observation and discrete questioning of her friends. I knew where she lived, in a small town along from mine and her bedroom was at the front of the house above the main entrance. She often rode a bike and on a Saturday morning she would go horse riding. I learned she was a fan of Duran Duran and had something of a crush on Simon le Bon when she had been in her younger teens. I knew she enjoyed playing a lot of sport and her favourite drink was Vimto. Little by little I noted all of this down and then memorised it in readiness of the day that we spoke. I envisaged how I might ask her to go on a date with me. I thought about the two of us going to see a film together, something a little scary so that those delightful fingers might reach out and grab mine by way of reassurance. I wondered if she could ice skate and if not how she could hold onto me as we moved about the rink. I longed to hold her hand and let my fingers caress her clean, clean skin.

I never saw any evidence of a boyfriend although I knew from what other lads in the class said that they fancied her. Inside I churned when I heard them refer to her in a sexual fashion. She was not theirs to be spoken of in that way and during history lessons I would plot how I would cause those leering fools to suffer for their graphic slurring of my beautiful Amanda.

All through that first year of sixth form college I loved her with a noble purity and never spoke to anyone of how I felt about her, but I knew that it was love. How could this powerful sensation I felt each time I saw her, heard her or smelt her, be anything else? The summer holiday was a painful hiatus and my sporadic passes of her home never produced a glimpse of Amanda. I once walked up to the front door and nearly posted a note through her letterbox, but my nerve failed me and I retreated down the path.

Once Autumn arrived and with it the start of the upper sixth, I returned to college with expectant enthusiasm. As I settled into my usual seat and waited for her to glide into the class room I wondered if she had changed much over the summer holiday. The teacher arrived and commenced the lesson, but there was no Amanda. She made no appearance all that week. Nor the next. My sleep was fragmented with concern as to her whereabouts and eventually I asked our form tutor. He explained that her family had moved abroad over the summer owing to her father’s job. He did not know the exact whereabouts. My fury at losing her was monumental but I kept it within, as I had been taught, not wanting the world to know of the agony that I bore. I tried to ascertain where she had gone but my questions bore no fruit.

The decades have passed and I have looked for her again and again. I have used technology to try and locate her but there has been nothing. Her name may have changed and thus she eludes me. I have checked her old friends’ profiles to see if she is amongst their friends but she remains elusive. I have had to carry the burden of my lost love all this time and though I have sought sanctuary in the soft embrace of countless ladies, each time hoping that Amanda will appear to me through their embrace or their fragrance, every time I am left broken and bitterly disappointed. None of them come close to that angel which graced my class room. None of them equal her purity and grace, her unsullied manner and gracious movements. My love for Amanda was perfect and I feared it could never be matched. Each and every time they show such promise and every time they leave me disappointed and full of bile as they fall monstrously short of her perfection. I will not give up on my angel, I never shall, for it is with her that I shall find salvation.

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75 Comments

  1. The angel of my creation, I met 27 years ago. I loved everything about him from the first moment. I can still remember what he was wearing the first time I ever saw him. I can still remember the smell of him as he squeezed past me to get to the bar. We were only together for a year but I can still feel him holding my hand and kissing my neck. He was the first person to ever leave me and break my heart. I’ve always known that he was the love of my life. Every man I’ve been involved with since has been compared to him. I’ve yearned for him frequently, thought of him everytime I travelled through the place that we met. My son’s name is the one that he and I chose when we talked about getting married and having children together. He came to see me after my son was born, and as he left, he said ‘he should’ve been mine, I’m so sorry I let you go’. But he had gone back to his wife and I wouldn’t have any of that again. Every year I’d get a text or email or linkedin message, message through work, on my birthday. I never updated him with new contact details or addresses, but he always seemed to find a way to get in touch. Most years I didn’t reply but sometimes I’d just say ‘Thanks x’. I was married and would never have got involved with someone else, not even him. A couple of years ago, having left my husband, I replied. That’s how I ended up here.
    Cognitively, I can call myself an IPSS and him a MMRN, I can refer to fuel supplies and recognise corrective devaluations but when my birthday message arrives this month, will I think of it as a hoover.? I seriously doubt it. Forgive the self-indulgence of this, writing it this way has allowed me to cry for the first time since I ended it a month or so ago. Understanding and logic is all well and good but sometimes we just have to weep for what we thought we had.
    Narcissists aren’t the only ones who idealise and never let go.

  2. As in past threads recently( not you Violetta ) you are reading way more into my comment to HG then it was suppose to be. This was a wishful thought of peace and contentment for HG and SM because he has worked so hard in changing his dynamic and helping so many, including myself and others on this blog. Do I forget what HG is and what he can and would do? Absolutely not! But as an empath, I believe everyone deserves a chance especially HG! As far as Miracles go, I hope there are a few of them left out there also. Enjoy your evening.

    1. I understand that we all have some reason to be grateful to HG and to wish him well, and this applies all the more to those who’ve come out of extreme situations.

      I just think narcs are like tigers. They may be beautiful and graceful, but they can’t be tamed like Elsa the lion or the Soviet foxes, let alone domesticated like cats, dogs, or farm animals. Even when they’re raised by humans from birth, they can turn on them in a second.

      1. Violetta and Renarde,
        The two of you are correct a leopard can not change its spot. HG is not a leopard, he is a man that deserves to have peace and contentment in his life. Now I agree with you that most narcissists cannot change, however HG is not most-narcissists. Once again if a change can be made, even if it is only by changing his dynamic, that will be up to HG to make happen. But I will always be rooting for his contentment! Have a good one ladies.

        1. FM1T

          I like and respect you a lot but we must disagree here.

          I used the analogy of leopard. Violetta uses others. What we have both said in common but not overtly so, is that all narcs are predators and that is doubly so of HG. Because he knows what hes doing.

          Yes, he is a man but hes also the big bad wolf. To not name him correctly would do him a disservice. Empaths are prey. Always have been, always will be.

          As we all are, I’m intrigued as to if he can subtlety change his behaviours so that SM does not experience devaluation.

          As to Amanda, who knows? I’m sure shes out there, somewhere.

          1. Renarde
            Disagreeing is all part of the blog sweetie. It has nothing to do with liking or not liking someone. You see him as what you believe him to be, that is fine. I see him as someone else. Perhaps it is because I can feel the power and energy within him, I don’t know. I believe that power and energy is much more dangerous then any big bad wolf! I also believe in a round about way we are saying the same thing. I believe he deserves a chance just like anyone else does, I believe he can change his behaviors so SM does not suffer devaluation. I believe he has already changed them quite a bit.
            As for Amanda, who knows if she was truly real or made up by one of the greatest storytellers of all times! 😘

          2. FM1T

            Love it! And in also in agreement. Everyone deserves a break.

            Steady on now missus with all this talk of energy and power! I shall have to have a cold shower.

            Have you ever experienced tantric sex? Bloody hell. I know a little but just the basics, how energy flows, the chakras etc. I literally stumbled across it.

            Sometimes I do wonder how the universe works. It was literally met one man, ended amicably, then another before finally the first reached out again. Been together ever since. That took 11 months before the first man and I started again. Ive never been a bed hopper (although few would believe it and of course there’s nothing wrong with sleeping with as many men as you like) but yeah, it’s been an intresting 8 months.

          3. Renarde
            No I have never heard of tantric sex, or if I did perhaps it was called something else? I will have to look it up and check it out!

            Sometimes it’s best just to let things happen and not worry yourself about how things work my dear! 😉😘

          4. Is tantric sex when it goes on forever? I like a slow buildup, but at a certain point, enough is enough.

            It’s like regular chess. I’ll play speed chess, but not standard chess. Nothing’s that interesting after 3 hours.

          5. I can’t talk chess anymore. I know there was a retreat on tantric sexual stuff in the Pacific Northwest that a narcissist attended awhile back.

          6. Oh, har har you lot!

            Tantra is not what Sting does, although I daresay he thinks he does.

            All you need to do is look at the outside of ancient Hindu temples to see people actually having sex. Female ejaculation.

            Not sitting crossed legged waiting for an orgasm to come. (Both literally and metaphorically).

            I am with HG on this one, Sting is so boring I doubt hes ever come up with an original thought in his life.

            And let us not forget the creepy ‘Every breath you take’. Even the title is redolent with ‘Every breath you DONT take’.

  3. HG ,were you really in love or was it still infatuation? I really love reading your stories when you were younger Thanks for sharing your story about Amanda.

          1. Logic doesn’t apply to love. You can’t explain or define love intellectually, it is a feeling not a logical thought. From what I have learned from your website you either apply LT or ET. Is there a third combined way of thinking that includes a combination of logic and emotion? My opinion is that you used your intellect to explain the pain away.

            I have just re-read the article, I would never tell anybody, particularly you, what they feel; but from my perspective, what you have described in this article is love. If I had these feelings toward another person, I would say that it was love.

            What do you say is the difference between infatuation and love? I believe it is the beginning stage of love, which love will grow deeper and mature over time. Personally, I think that people attempt to define love as some grand illusionary state that can never be achieved, so that it is often missed, when really the seeds of love are all around us if we just allow them to grow. Also, I know you have devoted at least two articles entirely to this woman whom you did not love.

            On that note, I must say, I love the way you pronounce love.

          1. Yes, your love is real but it’s not based on anything genuine when it’s with us.

          2. Our “love” is not love.
            Your love is real, but it is based on someone who is not genuine, us. You are misled into loving something that does not exist.

          3. “You are mislead into loving something that does not exist” I don’t see this as real love. You cannot love what does not exist. Loving a narcissist is like loving an imaginary friend. Someone we’ve created in our own minds but does not exist. Isn’t that what a narcissist is in the beginning? Everything we wanted them to be.

          4. Loving a narc is like using Poo Pourri. You can spray it with flowers all you want so you and others can avoid the smell, but there’s still a turd in that bowl and it WILL surface. Just flush already.

          5. Better off investing that love in ourselves, but we seldom do. We tend to think that the only way to feel love is to give it and hope to have it returned.

          6. NA,
            I read something the other day about how we always think we have to have a label attached to us to make us feel whole….mom, friend, lover, wife…..
            It struck me as this is me. I will always be “mom” but wanted more. Guess it is time to start looking inside to find me instead of a title attached to me.

          7. NarcAngel, there is that hope word again. I agree, love yourself and the rest will fall into place.

  4. I’ve read this one a couple of times , but not for quite a long time. Still amazed that all Narcs have one of these in their past , either the one that got away or the one that broke their heart , usually when they were very young !!
    More cookie cutter antics of the narcissist, they do actually believe this shit at times but being the contradictory individuals that they are they also know it’s bullshit and a handy triangulation/victim story, every victim has to try harder to live up to this imaginary elusive one or prove they are not like the evil heart breaker that damaged the narcs trust in women !! Even the narcs that have no awareness have had a few results with this, so they learn to keep using it.
    They are all masogonists.
    Lucky escape Amanda, let’s hope her first love was a normal and it set her on the path to healthy relationships.

    1. Lisa: One can only guess. We can not reconstruct the past and test a guess or theory. I personally wish that he could find her. Would it be good though? I do not know. Memory can be tricky at times. Sometimes athletes etc. discuss a particular game, and the game becomes more elaborate or their skills during that time frame become more elaborate over time in their thoughts, as well. And people remember things in an odd way at times. Here is a true and very strange story regarding me and the past and how a particular person and former classmate remembers the past: (1) I belong to a certain Club with quite a number of some former particular classmates being a member of this Club, as well. (2) And, I ran track very well, during our college/university days, but only on a school level, and NOT on a varsity level, because I never tried out for that level. Now, in this Club, this particular classmate is very important and he even was a president of the Club for one year and all that, because Presidents are for one year only, per charter. He also in the Founder and the host of the Annual Meet the Coaches and all, sports Dinner. (3) Also, I love Major League Baseball and Softball, and this point has nothing to do with my University days. Now this classmate believes that I played Softball on the Varsity team when we were in University. I did not. I once told him, NO, it was just TRACK that I participated and even then, on a school level and NOT on an intercollegiate Varsity level, I did tell him. I DID notice that he did not respond to my statement. But, over the years, he has now told many in the group, when sports are being discussed, over time, that I was a Varsity Softball Star during our College/University days. And then these people look at me with some admiration. (4) Last year, I went to the Annual Sports Dinner event, that this guy hosts at the Club, and there was a big Winter storm and many of the special guests that were supposed to speak at the event, could not make it, and so this guy was asking people like me, that were just in the audience to enjoy dinner and the event and make some donations, etc., to stand and he would tell their sports story. I happened to have stepped away to go to the ladies room. Later that evening he told me that he had looked for me because he wanted me to stand so that he could tell everyone about how important I was for the sports department during our college days, and how I was a Most Valuable Player on the Varsity Softball Team. (this story about me playing Varsity intercollegiate Softball, that is not true, is becoming More and More elaborate in his mind). (5) This guy is just unbelievable. I just said to myself this year: okay. I am just going to have to let this guy believe this about me. (6) Am I wrong? At this point, I do not care,any longer, and I do know how to play the sport. And, in 2020 and beyond, I would not be surprised in the least, if at some point I were to receive some type of Alumna Award from this Club, instituted by this guy, for some sport that I never played at all, in College/University. (7) Memory. (8) Unbelievable.

      1. Princesssuperempath, that just sounds like a nutcase or a stalker 🤔. We all perceive things differently , I’m sure it’s well known that people will witness events differently. I was just talking about the frequency that seems to occur with narcs first loves. HG’s awareness allows him to realise this was an infatuation however.
        It’s actually the perfect relationship to have with a narc, a relationship that never actually happens !!

        1. Lisa: I hear most people talk about a true love, that is no more, for whatever reason, the exact same way. And, Oh no. About the Sports Events Guy. This guy is no stalker. I did not mean to give this impression that he is a nutcase in any way. I have a lot of admiration for him, as well. (It is some sort of memory glitch, or a story he has created about me for a collection of stories that he needs about people and anecdotes and such, since he public speaks a lot, and he mingles a lot, and he introduces people to each other a lot. His story just happens to be incorrect, where I am concerned.) He is a very well respected person, extremely personable, and he is in good standing in society and with a beautiful second wife, and he is a well functioning partner in a law firm. And this Club is very high ranking socially, and members will be removed over any public bad behavior, right away, especially because this Club is a junior member of an even more prestigious Club that costs a small fortune to join, and no one wants to mess that relationship up (I just happen to qualify to be a member of the junior arm, without even doing much,or paying much in dues, which is more how I like things. lol.) But, these people are serious about their image and standing in these types of Clubs). And we sometimes tease him when we are alone with him, that he is the one that finally turned into a true adult, more than some of us have. He is not a nutcase. He just seems to have this memory of me and I have given up to change it at this point. And these days I do love MLB, and once I inquired about tickets, within his hearing, for a certain baseball game from someone that has such tickets, and I do happen to get along well with one of the frequent Guest Speakers that is a baseball Coach of one of the collegiate baseball teams, and I sometimes sit at his table during the annual event, and it is all just out of control at this point, because I did not realize that all these things kept confirming his false memory. lol. A ton of evidence can enforce an inaccurate verdict and much strong evidence does not always add up to an accurate verdict. So, I am just going to consider it as my having some sort of `honorary` degree, so to speak. So now and going forward, In fact, I have to make sure I am in good shape before the next Annual Sports Dinner, because I am sure that some there will observe me to see if I look like I have any remaining athletic softball ability left, over the years. And if anyone tosses something to me, I absolutely better catch it.

  5. Read F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “Winter Dreams” or “Last of the Belles.”
    Not that it sounds like Amanda was a deliberate heartbreaker like a Fitzgerald heroine, but time will have passed for her, as it has for you. The Golden girl doesn’t exist anymore. She may have turned into a beautiful, warm woman, but she won’t have that untarnished quality.
    Fitzgerald met up with Ginevra King (the girl who had broken his heart during the 19-teens) decades later. It did not go well.

  6. This comment is really a question, I need the answer to determine for myself whether it’s a waste of time to read anything on this site or not. It’s from one of your old post,if that helps. How do you determine what is good? Your own classification system starts with good or bad, Knowing how you determine good is all that matters to me right now, for the stated purpose of the question. I will use your response or non-response to answer my question. Thanks for playing.

    1. There is no objective standard of good or bad. There is only a subjective one. I determine matters as good when they enable me to achieve the Prime Aims. Read this site, which is not a waste of time to read and you will understand far more.

      1. Thank you for your response! it not only answers my question, but confirms my decision by giving me a valid reason to accept it. I really don’t like making a decision without a valid reason. So your answer was better than I had hoped for.
        I wish the best for your future endeavors.

        1. “I wish you the best for your future endeavours.”

          I fucking pissed myself laughing at this statement!

          Prince Charles! Stop trolling Narcsite you swine! Virginas’ on tonight. You have better things to do!

      2. HG—we all have prime aims in relationships.
        I see a relationship as pointless unless certain characteristics are there which is not quite the same but there is a parallel. Anyone that wants to just claim that they’ll scoop anyone up is delusional—there has to be a reciprocal element in any relationship whether it’s a narcissist, normal or empath. I hope you have a successful relationship as Foolme has expressed as well. Why would anyone wish for less? Additionally, a successful relationship doesn’t have to be forever. There can be expiration dates without absolute misery.

          1. I’d like to get to the point I view my past relationships as successes due to the self discovery process. I’m not sure how this can be accomplished though—the loss has been enormous. Years, all of the horrible decline and impact on others. I’m just not sure after being deluged to the extend I feel I have been I can reframe this recent marriage so positively. It’s been an incredibly bitter pill. It took this to get the message though.

          2. Lorelei
            It sounds good in theory but is it really necessary? In trying to do that, aren’t you still devoting time and energy into it and reliving the losses unnecessarily? Self discovery is ongoing. You make notes, and what you learn hopefully propels you to move forward with some caution, but I’m not sure on needing to re-frame bad experiences as being any more than that.

            Or maybe you feel you do.

          3. I don’t know NA—maybe it’s more a re-frame of the entire event. Like if something awful can cause something meaningful then the time spent lost wasn’t wasted, but maybe it was ground work.

          4. NA—I guess (this is an addendum) that this has always been a relationship with me so it has to be successful. He was never really in it—by the way—there is a lot of super empath chatter on the other thread. Isn’t that the type of empath that does ribbon cutting ceremonies? I’m more the 1:1 girl! But how many ribbons can you cut?!

          5. Lorelai

            NA is right. You cannot reframe the N-E bond. It was what it was.

            Yes, it brought you onto the path of Enlightenment. That’s the good thing.

            You were conned
            You were abused
            You were repeatedly lied to.

            To my mind, that is the learning, the Prime Aims. It just wasnt your fault.

            No one knows what’s ahead of us. Take the knowledge and use it wisely. Dump the trash by the side of the road and move on. Do it for yourself.

            And we are always here.

          1. Morning Foolme! I’ve really had some thoughts on the prime aims. I looked them up again. I believe there were three. So, I’m fairly certain I don’t require “fuel” or character traits. But what do I require? I’m interested in this. I also see some fluidity to both the narcissist and us. For instance—we want residual benefits. I’m not talking about money but maybe intellectual function, style, ability to handle difficult situations..
            I imagine HG’s prime aim qualifiers differ now compared to 20 years ago. Mine certainly do. So often we presume we are so different but there are similarities.
            I’ve been baffled by my ex’s lifestyle. It may be as simple as a shift in how the prime aims are acquired. His life now contradicts much in the way of facade management. Is there such a thing as facade fatigue for some narcissists? This is why I really like the blog—the interactive group think. I knew where your comment was coming from.

          2. Lorelei,
            I know you have mentioned your ex and his new relationship before, I think what you might be missing in all of this is it’s always about the fuel. Remember the post Look Who He Is With Now, perhaps you should look it up and read it again, you might find your answer in there.
            I agree with you that there are similarities between us and them, I believe there are other factors that might go into a this also, such as the type of empath you are many Empaths carry an awful lot of narcissistic traits. Forgive me if this doesn’t make much sense this morning I’m just waking up. Good morning to you Lorelei.

  7. I always enjoy reading this one HG, I love when you write stories of your childhood and teenage years. I’m also hoping ( I know how you feel about that word! ) that you’ve found your angel this time in SM.

    1. Se Scyldmægþ is her own person. She can’t be HG’s angel even if she knew what was expected and was willing to try.
      Even HG’s angel couldn’t be HG’s angel if he met her now. And might not have been able to do it had they gone out as teens. No real person can live up to an image someone else has created.
      And then there’s Peter Wolf’s homeroom angel, pure like snowflakes….

      1. Violetta,
        SM can be whatever HG wants her to be in his mind, Angel, devil, slut, freaking Mary Poppins if that’s what he dreams in his mind for her to be! I just wanted HG ( know one else!) to know I hope this time everything works out for him and SM.

        1. If he had asked Amanda out and she turned him down, he’d have been enraged.

          If she’d agreed, he’d lose respect for her for not seeing through him, seeing through him but having such low standards that she was willing to accept him as he was, or just being a slut. Particularly if she had her own masturbatory fantasies. Even if they included him. Especially if they included him.

          If she went out with him but limited sexual activity, she’d be a hypocrite and a tease. Or a prude. Or frigid.

          The Angel couldn’t win and neither can Se Scyldmægþ.

          Not unless the Age of Miracles hasn’t passed after all.

        2. FM1T ,I hope things work out for HG and SM too Everyone deserves to be happy even if you dont do happiness. HG is a great guy !

          1. Pati,
            How are you sweetie? I believe HG to be a very good man that has done some pretty bad things, but who hasn’t? As Lorelei stated most relationships do not last forever, whether they be normal relationships or relationships between narcissist and empath, but that doesn’t mean they have to end with so much hurt, pain, and destruction. HG might not happy, however I know he does content.

          2. It would have been immodest to have done so, but every knows about my legendary humility.

          3. It might be immodest for you to bring it up, but it is entirely appropriate for the Tudoristas to spread the word among the populace.

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