Calculation and the Narcissist -Part Two

CALCULATION AND THE

I explained in Part One about how the mind of a Lesser Narcissist functions with regard to his or her interactions with the various appliances in the fuel matrix. The Lesser always operates through instinct, although, as I explained, a victim makes the mistake of believing that the Lesser Narcissist has planned.

I shall now explain what happens with regard to the Mid Range Narcissist.

Before I provide you all with a worked example, it is necessary to provide these preliminary observations again.

I often read comments along the lines of

“I am ensnared by a narcissist and he knows exactly what he is doing, he is calculating it all and is determined to destroy me.”

I have no doubt that such belief is honestly held, but it is usually incorrectly held.

Why is that?

  1. It is only Greater Narcissists that are aware and operate in a calculated manner. Greater Narcissists are very rare indeed and therefore as a matter of statistics, if you have been ensnared by a narcissist, it is highly likely to be a Lesser or Mid-Range Narcissist.
  2. Mid Range Narcissists can appear to operate in a calculated manner owing to higher cognitive function. This is called “Instinctive Planning” which I will explain further in relation to this subject.
  3. The effect of emotional thinking. Yes, as you know emotional thinking obscures the use of logic and it does this repeatedly and in thousands of different ways. One of those ways is to cause you to think that the narcissist has planned and is operating in a calculated fashion because this will cause you to obsess more over what the narcissist is doing, talk more about what the narcissist is doing, try harder to contact the narcissist in order to halt this supposed calculated campaign against you and of course what are you doing if you do one or more of those things? You are engaging and feeding your inherent addiction to the narcissist. Accordingly, your emotional thinking absolutely wants you doing it and will make you ignore logic and honestly believe the narcissist is acting in a calculated fashion.
  4. The projection of your world view. Obviously you look at the world from your standpoint and because of this you think that anybody who engages in such behaviours as the ones you are experiencing must have planned them, because if you acted this way, you would know what you are doing and you would have planned them. This entirely understandable viewpoint of yours means that you cannot help but regard the behaviour as pre-meditated and calculated. You, as an empath victim do not manipulate through instinct. You have no need to do so, you are not designed that way and in fact if you ever (in the unusual event) try to manipulate somebody you tend to fail at it because you are just not made to do it and you are not practised at behaving that way. We on the other hand are designed to manipulate and for those who are not as evolved as the Greater Narcissist it is done through instinct. You impose your worldview on our behaviour, that is not high-handed of you at all, but it is incorrect.

Thus, these factors result in you erroneously reaching the conclusion that the narcissist is operating through calculation towards you.

How then do narcissists operate and what is their state of knowledge. Firstly, you ought to read these articles (or revisit them)

Do Narcissists Know What They Are Doing? The Lesser

Do Narcissists Know What They Are Doing? The Mid Ranger

We must have control at all times over environments and that means the people within those environments and of course that includes you. The Lesser and Mid Range Narcissists do not realise this is what they require, this is known at an unconscious level. The Greater knows that control is needed and also has vastly superior abilities to achieve that.

To assist you with the comparison between the schools of narcissist, I shall use a similar scenario to that described in Part One of Calculation and the Narcissist

The narcissist is a Lower Mid Range Narcissist. This means that he does not know what he is, he will never know what he is and cannot change.

The Lower Mid Range Narcissist (dependent on sub school) . The Mid Range Narcissist usually has a higher cognitive function than the Lesser Narcissist (but not always – it is only one factor) and may give the appearance of awareness or insight but that is actually part of the manipulation.

Let’s proceed with the example.

The Lower Mid Range Narcissist (“LMRN”) has experienced a Hoover Trigger. The Hoover Execution Criteria have been met, primarily because the victim is the Former IPPS (thus potent fuel), has provided large amounts of fuel when there have been previous hoovers, the LMRN knows where the victim lives and it is a short drive from where he lives. The victim has not entered a new relationship. There is no restraining order against the LMRN. He and the victim are in the process of a divorce. The LMRN has a Shelf IPSS. The LMRN has received correspondence from his lawyer whereby his latest offer to the victim within the context of the divorce proceedings has been rejected. The letter was to the point and this has wounded the narcissist. He needs to exert control over the victim. Accordingly, he drives over to the home of the victim seeking to exert control over her.

At the point of reading the rejection the narcissism (if it could speak) would state as follows:

This letter threatens my control. This is unacceptable. Control must be asserted immediately. (This is the Unconscious Response)

The narcissists fury is ignited by the wounding nature of the letter. He does not think

“I do not have control, I must go and get the ex under control.”

What he does think is :-

“WTF! How dare she reject that offer. Good God, that was a generous offer, she is so damn greedy, she will have me living out of a dumpster at this rate. I am going to go and find out why the hell she knocked this back and see if I can talk some sense into her. She needs to know she is bleeding me dry and I do not have much money left.” (This is the Conscious Response and this is driven by the Narcissistic Perspective. The narcissist through this Narcissistic Perspective sees the victim as the problem. His Sense of Entitlement (which he is unaware of because his narcissism blinds him to it) demands that he preserves his financial position. His Lack of Accountability (which he is unaware of because his narcissism blinds him to it) tells him that he is not responsible for providing her with a particular level of support and these narcissistic traits (and others desires) work together to make the narcissist do something to assert control.

The narcissism is thinking

We need control. Go and see her and use a Verbal Tirade and Pity Plays in order to assert control. We will use his Heated Fury (because as an LMR he has some Lesser Traits) and Cold Fury (as he is Mid Range).

Note he does not think :-

“How can I get her to do what I want? I know, I will use some forceful language with her and if that does not work I will make her feel sorry for me by explaining how I am strapped for cash, yes, she will feel sorry for me, change her mind and then I get my way.”

His response is instinctive driven by his narcissism which wants him to assert control and also to gain fuel to repair the wound caused by the content of the letter from the lawyer.

Driven by this instinctive response, the narcissist gets in his car, drives across to where the victim lives, marches up the pathway and he knocks at the door but the victim does not answer the door. The victim maintains no contact by not opening the door to tell the narcissist to reason with him to leave her alone. The victim does not shout through the letter box telling the narcissist to “Foxtrot Oscar”, the victim does not gesticulate through the window for the narcissist to go away or open the window and pour water down on the waiting narcissist. No matter how tempting those responses might be, the victim must not execute them because that is engagement which means

  1. Fuel Provision
  2. Potential adverse consequence , and
  3. Heightened Emotional Thinking

aka The Devil’s Pitchfork : The Three Bad Outcomes of Engaging With A Narcissist

Previously the Victim would engage through pleading, shouting and even threatening. All of which is Challenge Fuel and only encouraged the narcissist to keep asserting control and indeed lowered the Hoover Bar to prompt further hoovers.

Accordingly, the victim´s failure to respond amounts to wounding. The victim is the Former IPPS and therefore is at the top of the fuel hierarchy. This failure to respond is “in person” and therefore the result of this is massive wounding for the narcissist. This is on top of the wounding which has already occurred because of the rejection of the narcissist´s offer.

The narcissism is stating, if it had a voice

“Situation critical. Existing wounding not repaired. Extensive wounding now caused. Fuel level plummeting. Immediate action required. Facade must be maintained although facade is being strained. Increase use of Heated Fury and launch the Verbal Tirade.”

The narcissist does not think :-

“I am struggling to gain control here, what shall I do to make sure I get it?”

As the narcissist is a Lower Mid Range Narcissist he would not smash the windows (his Mid Range facade maintenance would prevent this from happening) and his response instead is to hammer on the door, shout to the victim and prowl around the house looking for a way to get in (but not break in) to confront the victim so he can assert control face to face and gain Proximate Fuel. Note again that these responses are from Heated Fury and they are instinctive

He would look to provoke her by saying such things as “I know you are in there hiding away you gold digger” and he would gain Thought Fuel (which is weak but still fuel) thinking about the victim cowering inside. The victim meanwhile has called the police. The LMR will not yet break off because his narcissism will still be driving him to “get hold” of the victim and the Thought Fuel will prevent any further wounding, but his fuel levels are perilously low (as a consequence of the two wounding events). He keeps shouting and is now causing a scene (thus his facade has slipped BUT since he is Mid Range he has not yet tipped over into criminal activity) so the neighbours are looking out of their windows. Of course their reactions as tertiary sources provide the narcissist with some fuel which enables him to keep the shouting going. The police turn up and the narcissist has a fairly robust discussion with them but again stays just on the right side of the law. The response of the police officers gives him fuel. He avoids a fuel crisis because of

Thought Fuel with regard to the IPPS

Proximate Fuel from the Tertiary Source Neighbours

Proximate Fuel from the Tertiary Source police officers

but he came close.

All of this behaviour was instinctive. He did not think “I had better be careful what I say and do because the police are here” he was actually quite forceful about what he had to say with regard to the behaviour of the Former IPPS. He maintained a Verbal Tirade about the Former IPPS but his narcissism prevented him from launching into a Verbal Tirade at the police officers (if they had Challenged him this may have happened and he probably would have been arrested). Note that he is not thinking about the possibility of arrest as that is a future event, all he cares about is gaining control NOW but because he is LMR his narcissism protects him to a degree (a Lower or Middle Lesser probably would have assaulted a police officer) and steered him into applying Pity Plays towards the officers.

The narcissist did not think

“Ah the police are here, I know, I will keep shouting the odds about that bitch inside and then give them a sob story to get the cops onside.”

No. he actually thinks

“This is so damn unfair. She sits in the house and has not got the common courtesy to come out and speak to me about this, when all I am trying to do is be reasonable. Maybe the police will see my point of view.”

The provision of fuel, the Mid Range influence with regard to facade and the range of manipulations deployed by the narcissism for a LMR Narcissist means that by telling the police how unfair this all is and they giving it nodding sympathy enables the narcissist to feel like he has control in the now. His attempt to control the victim has failed, but the situation shifted to a need to control the police officers and the Pity Play worked as the police officer gave fuel, agreed with the LMR that it was a difficult and unpleasant situation and suggested he visit his lawyer to discuss the matter further rather than get into trouble. His narcissism feeling that control over the situation had been achieved allowed the narcissist to depart and head over to this lawyer to discuss the situation further.

All of the actions of the LMR were instinctive. He did not plan. He did not calculate. He operated from moment to moment as he sought to control the situation moment to moment and you saw how the situation was fluid and the target of his control varied and how he gained fuel to alleviate the wounding, although his fuel levels remained relatively low and other appliances would be manipulated through the day to get those fuel levels rising again.

 

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5 Comments

  1. I would just like to add a comment to this that may or may not be accurate but, from my experience with my ex narc , just as HG says he is at all times acting and reacting on instinct. However I believe some of these patterns are also learnt by the narcissist, they behave in a certain way and get a certain reaction, from certain types of people , so they go on to repeat theses tried and tested behaviours, it’s also a test in away to see if you are a suitable victim for the narcissist , if they can get away with their unacceptable behaviours. If they cannot they will not stay with that person very long , that person is pointless to them, where ever they sit in their fuel matrix. The narcissist can only get away with what people allow them too. So they may be acting on instinct but there are some tried and tested behaviours they repeat, which is in my opinion partly ground hog day of the narcs brain and deliberate tests of people’s boundaries.

    1. It is not a deliberate test of a person’s boundaries Lisa, but rather, if you make it far too difficult for a narcissist to hoover you, the narcissist (the vast majority being Lesser or Mid Range) will find their needs met elsewhere because it is easier to do. It is like a burglar – make your house difficult to burgle, he will find an easier target.

  2. The more I experience my narcissist the more I believe that he is a greater not a midrange I feel like I have a gun pointed to my head and no one will disarm him he has broken laws people know what he is doing to me and no one cares my entire life has been destroyed I have lost everything including my job honestly if he is going to get away with killing me I wish he would just do it

    1. It terrifies me to hear you write this way Veronique. I’m assuming the people that know how he is treating you are in his camp? He has isolated you from your support system? The GOSO Audio Consultation is $50 off for Cyber Monday. If anybody ever needed it, you do! Apply for Angel Assistance if you need to, but please, please put together a plan and get TF out of there. Reach out for the lifeline that is HG.

    2. Veronique, I’m SO sorry you’ve been going through this. It’s not to late to get out of this screwed up relationship. I’ve been there before when i would rather be dead than continue suffering through the abuse with my ex narc. Please don’t give up. Use the services HG provides if you are able to afford it. You mentioned you’ve lost your job, you can contact HG via email, he can probably work something out for you in your current situation. Are you still living with your Narc, if so you have to get out asap. even if you have stay with one of your friends or family members, some people even go to domestic violence shelters. I’ve done it for a short time. it’s way safer than staying with him. If you don’t have enough support or feel hesitant, there are a lot of people on this blog who have been through a similar experience like yourself and you can truly find support here to help you find the courage you need to break the abusive cycle. Please don’t delay.
      Hugs <3

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