Needing Release

Add a heaNEEDINGding

Why will you not let me go? I just want to be on my own, I have had enough of you. Is it too much to ask that I am able to lead my own life free of your presence and influence? I need to do this for myself. I do not want to be with you anymore. I had to get out. I have other things I want to do and they do not involve you.

In truth, I have been wanting to do this for some time but you always managed to prevent me from going. There was always some reason that came up to stop me from breaking free of you. Every time I girded my loins in order to achieve my freedom you would do or say something that would stop me from going. I don’t know how you manage to do it.

It is a fearsome power you have when I stop to think about it. It infuriates me actually, the way you manage to keep this hold over me. It is as if you know exactly what I need and you just have to say the right words. It is like weaving a spell, yes, that is it, you are a sorcerer and when you utter the incantation I am stopped from getting away. You freeze me where I stand or you take control of my decisions and actions. Sometimes your dark magic creates a wall that I cannot see but it is there and I cannot get past it. I despise the fact that you are able to do this to me.

It should not be like this. You should not be allowed to control me. I know I cannot expect someone like you to even think that what you do is wrong because all you ever do is think about yourself. I have realised this; eventually. It has come at some cost because I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. I have tried to understand you but so many times it is like trying to play a vinyl record on an ipod. Impossible. I still do not understand why you have done what you have done and perhaps I never will, thank goodness there are other people who I can turn to. I know they will not do what you have done to me. You really are inhuman at times.

What’s that? I gave you no reason for why I left? Why would I? You do not deserve an explanation. Why would I give you the pleasure of seeing me having to explain myself to you? Why would I give you a further opportunity to cast another spell and stop me in my tracks once again. I just had to get away from you but look where we are now. You just will not let it happen will you.

Why not just get on with your own life? You are no use to me anymore. Is that the reason? It is part of the reason, yes. No, I am not going to tell you more because you will just use it as a way to worm your way back in and get hold of me once again because that is what you do. It is no good denying it, you have done it so many times. If I give the proverbial inch you take a yard. I don’t know why you are shaking your head because it is true. I don’t care if it hurts, how hurt do you think I am after what you did to me. I had to leave you.

There was no hope for any other way. I had to escape you otherwise, well, I do not want to consider what might have happened if I had remained. Just let me go will you. Why do you keep contacting me? I have nothing to say to you. I do not want to speak to you, I do not want to exchange messages, I do not want to see you. No, I do not want to talk about it. No, I do not want to sort matters out. No I do not want to try to resolve our differences. There is no point. I have moved on. Yes, I have moved on. I thought I needed you, I really did but it turns out that this is not the case any longer. I have broken free of your grip and believe me it has been a long time coming.

They all know by the way, my friends, your friends, our colleagues and families. I had to tell them because I knew this is what you would do. I knew how dangerous you are and I had to warn them to watch out for you because I just knew you would try and get to me through them. You have done it before but I anticipated this move. I am good at reading you. I have had plenty of practice you see and I always know what you are going to do and say.

Your predictability has given me such an advantage now and I am using to ensure I stay away from you, so why don’t you just let go? How can this possibly help you or me? You keep clinging on but I don’t understand why? There is no point in your doing this. There is no point in keep ringing me, although how you got my number I am not sure. Don’t hang around my neighbourhood either, yes I have seen you from the window and my neighbours have told me you have been doing it. It is no good denying it, I know what you are like.

You are crazy, you are obsessed, I just need you to leave me alone. Please stop it. I am trying to move forward and you need to do the same. I don’t want to discuss the past. There is no point it is done. What’s that, you don’t like it when I do this, it as if I have changed into someone else. Well, I suppose I have, I have had to, in order to escape your influence. Look, this is getting nowhere, I have been civil with you for the sake of the other people here but it won’t last if you keep this up.

Go, go now and leave me alone.

Please. Just do it. Move on.

You can find someone else, I am sure there is someone equally crazy who will take you with open arms.

Don’t look like that, I am just telling you how it is.

How can I just change like that? It isn’t me that has changed, it was you, you conned me, but I am not going through all of that now, I know what you are doing you are trying to keep me talking in the hope of persuading me, well it won’t work and besides, you really must go now because my new girlfriend will be here in a moment and I don’t want her to have to deal with you and your lunacy.

Go.

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42 Comments

  1. “he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he’s handsome, Nelly, but because he’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same”

    Literary question: who’s more fucked up: Catherine or Heathcliff?

          1. Is that because at least he knows what he wants, consciously fakes what he has to to get it, and she (as Nelly notes) develops a double personality WITHOUT INTENDING IT? The split is inside her, not between her appearance and the reality.

          2. Clearly, the HG Patented Fuckupometer is dead-on balls accurate, and exerts exactly the right amount of torque.

        1. Violetta
          The way I see it, Catherine was a major contributor to Heathcliff becoming a narcissist in the first place. I’m currently re-reading it in english this time and she disgusts me. Even in the beginning, when the Lintons are fawning over her after the dog caught her and she does not even ask them to get Heathliff back in or apologize or anything. The boy is stuck outside, watching her “coronation” through the window. Also, Heathcliff was reactive of Catherines abuse of him, never initiating with her. Lashing out after she lied to him about having Linton come visit when Heathcliff had a day off, rejecting her after she mocked the way he looked once she returned from the Lintons, courting Isabella after Catherine belittles her interest in Heathcliff and after marrying Linton for status only, not once defending Heathcliff in front of Hareton etc.

          1. Yes, i noticed even when i was a tween she didnt tell the Lintons he was raised as her brother before her father died. She lets them write him off as the servant Hindley has made him.

  2. our formal relationship lastd a little more than 8 months, and i spend the first 4 or5 month anxious and hopping that he will break up so i can be free without having to hurt him ( verry cowardly of me i know), it made me verry incofortable when he was idealising me, and i made sure to show him all my bad sides hoping tha he would realise that i’m not that good, but he never seemed to care, and i always end up feeling guilty and unworthy of someone like him.
    around the 6th month i decided to try to calme down, and really give it a try, not just anticipate the moment things will fall apart, the moment i started feeling a little bit less stressed and restless, he started to act stange.

  3. This is definitely written from the perspective of a narc. He is making out as though he’s the rational one, and that the victim is some crazy obsessed ex who won’t leave him alone.

  4. HG,
    I realise it’s both the narc and victim “ speaking “ , but from a victim perspective , what hold ( grip) on a narc might a victim have ( specifically a long term wife ) , other than filling the prime aims ?
    What would make a narc fear leaving a long term marriage?
    For my narc I think it’s mostly about his reputation, and loss of his entire family. I do however think if he were wealthy he may have already left.

    1. A narcissist does not disengage from a long term marriage because there has not been a “pulling” of the relevant disengagement trigger.

      1. HG,
        Can you dumb your reply down for me ? My brain is like a sieve lately ,and I don’t understand it .
        I like to think I am intelligent, but my God, I have never felt like such a dolt in my life as I try to understand “narcissism”.

        1. I signed divorce papers this week. Release. Thank you HG… your site was key to my getting out and staying out. 23 year marriage… 3 year divorce. He played dirty till the end… but did not destroy me… I no longer take it personal, I no longer wear the guilt, I no longer play the game.

          1. Well done Just Me, assuming this meant the divorce has been completed and all associated matters addressed this will enable you to seal your No Contact regime so it is total.

    2. Lamb, One of the reasons MRN gave for not leaving (not that I asked him to) was finances. They are wealthy and he is in finance. Depending on what country you are in, you can lose a lot of money and your lifestyle (facade) by splitting up.

      1. SMH,

        My narc would certainly feel the pain financially if we divorce. We aren’t wealthy, but comfortable. Splitting that in half I may lose the home I raised my children in , don’t think I could afford it. He will make out much better financially, he still has earning capacity.
        If he leaves me for his DLS he’ll also have her income, she makes a very good salary.
        If he had divorced me years ago, I would have been entitled to much less than now . I suppose keeping up the family man facade was more important to him back then.

        1. Lamb, The facade is probably still quite important to him. It’s hard for us to get our heads around but they are cake-eaters extraordinaire! Do you want a divorce? Did you consult with HG?

          1. SMH,

            Cake eater is an understatement!
            I do not want to divorce, at least not right now. I am neither emotionally or financially prepared.
            Everything has been fine for the past several years, or so I thought. His DLS, one from his past has recently re-emerged. When she re-entered the picture, he immediately began the devaluation with me once again.
            Stupid me, I honestly thought it wouldn’t happen again. I have only now just realised that the behavior stems from narcissism, and not his substance-abuse problem, although his substance abuse drastically increases during these periods. I can always see it coming.
            I know one thing for certain, I cannot live the rest of my life like this.

          2. Lamb, You sound similar to ‘my’ narc’s IPPS. Grown kids, stay at home mom, etc. You’re not stupid. They are such masters at what they do that it is hard to even imagine, but it will happen again and again with the same DLS/IPSS or with another one. She also might have been there the whole time in one way or another. I escaped five times (the fifth seems to have worked). During the breaks, I’d be hoovered until I came back. I did not find HG until after my final escape and have been here ever since (18 months now)! I know how hard it was for me and that it must be 100x harder for you, so I am rooting for you. I also understand your hostility to DLS but remember that she is caught up in the same insanity. It might be that he is not letting her go. It might be that he is lying to her. It might be that he is manipulating her with pity plays. It could be all of those things! Even if you are not ready to leave, a consultation would definitely better help you to see the whole picture.

    3. Lamb,
      I dont think he has found a replacement ,mine has not left either. We are irreplaceable and put up with this for so long. I wish i didnt get married so young. Its hard and I sympathize with you totally. Good luck

      1. Pati,
        My narc I’m not sure has found a replacement? He’s got a DLS who’s been around before, she’s back again, many years later. I haven’t confronted him, yet. In a million years I’d never believe he’d leave here for her , she’s ugly both inside and out. Is he willing to lose his whole family and decimate his professional career for her ? That’s what would happen. ( my children are aware and have told me if he does this to me they no longer want anything to do with him, they have encouraged me to leave him, they’re disgusted by his behavior) Most important to him is his reputation, if I revealed all his reputation would be shit. His career always came before his family. His career for him has been a huge source of supply. He has traits of both cerebral and somatic narc.
        He’s always been sneaky, hiding secret email accounts, hiding money, signing up for dating sites etc- , but this time it’s worse . That coupled with his recent treatment of me , raging, silent treatment, malice, out of the blue. His substance abuse has increased during this time, and I know from past experience it clouds his judgement severely.
        The last time it happened I thought it would be THE LAST TIME. How wrong I was ! We are both entering retirement age , all 5 children grown . Now I find myself panicked about having to be on my own and worrying about how I will support myself, after sacrificing decades being a wife, and stay at home Mother. I have never worked outside the home.
        I CANNOT wrap my head around how everything I’ve done for him, our family all these years can be so easily erased from his mind.
        His DLS is absolutely vicious the way she speaks about me to him , a woman she doesn’t even know. I understand some OW believe the lies about the wife , but this DLS goes overboard advising him what to do to mentally torture me , and he listens to her . What sort of sick woman would suggest those things??
        If he leaves me for that Whore I’m not sure I will ever recover from it.
        I am not letting on I know anything he’s been doing behind my back , it is so difficult to pretend. I smile, but I’m dying inside.
        I am using this time to collect more damning evidence should I need it for a divorce, I have plenty already spanning many years tucked away, and combined shows a pattern. I am trying my best to gather important documents in case he tries to hide them from me , but at the moment I feel paralyzed from his mental abuse.

  5. ‘There was a point, earlier in the year when your head was spinning round that I almost reacted, I can’t afford to have anything like that ever happen to me again. It’s too dangerous. I suppose that has remained like a scar in my mind. I need to protect myself and not be drawn into that instability’.
    Side of word salad with your projection Sir?

    1. NM
      If your narc spelled ‘scar’ as ‘scare’…it would have been the same person, nearly word for word. Pontificating, blameshifting drivel. Of course, I fell for it. Then. Now, I look back, and honestly have to laugh. How could I have been so thick?

      1. Hi Caity
        I wouldn’t have believed 2 people could come up with the same such nonsense! Your narcissist was called M was he?

        1. I heard a brilliant put down today, which I wish so badly I had used in response to this nonsense.
          In a serious meeting at work:
          Guy -. outraged at a comment made to him and said ‘what DO you think I am!?’
          Girl – straight faced after an elegant pause and thoughtful look said ‘ I DID think you were a c*nt but now I see you lack the warmth and depth’

          Priceless! I bit the inside of my own face to stop myself laughing.

        2. NM
          And sorry for confusing nics (mine). Had a word press account but it didn’t seem to be working properly so I deleted it. Then was obliged to create a new account months later when I wanted to ‘like’ a post. Not at all tech-savvy. :p

  6. I’ve gone, just like you asked. I did not even put up a fight.

    Now YOU go—and take “our” things with you already.

    1. I’d say from a Narc ha. This is word for word, one of the modes of the Narc, when I was the primary source.

  7. Narc projecting, ultimately. Flipping the script.
    But, you wrote it so that we think it’s the victim for a while. The semi-permeable boundaries between the Narc/codependent is well portrayed by doing this.
    IMHO

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