A Poisoned Pen
That greeting is now more applicable than ever as you are now about to experience my devaluation of you. Why am I doing this? Well, there is the void inside of me. I know it is there and I can feel it. It makes me feel restless, then weak, then as if I am collapsing in on myself, being consumed by the black hole that sits at the centre of my being.
The only way I know how to stop this happening is to fill up on emotional content from other people and in particular you. The more emotional attention I get, so much the better. The terror of oblivion soon vanishes and then the weakness fades. It does not take too long for the sensation of restlessness to evaporate and then I am on the up once more. I feel empowered, omnipotent and capable of anything.
The more of this emotional content that keeps coming my way then the greater my sense of power becomes, the greater my capability to achieve and I am then that which I know myself to be. That weakened individual is not me. That is just the product of the cruelties of the world that have been heaped up against me.
That is the outcome of the malice and treachery that I have to deal with. That is what created that weak individual and I do not recognise him. He has no standing with me and I banish him so readily when I receive the emotional attention which I am entitled to. You once were really, really good at giving me this emotional attention. You did it in a positive way.
You loved me in a way that nobody else has done (at least so far as in that I care to remember) and I know that you still love me but there is something different now and the void is making its presence known more than it ought to and certainly more than I want it to. I know what to do though. I always know what to do. I need to flick the switch and now cause that torrent of negative emotional attention to come from you. It is easily done.
I know lots of ways of doing it. What makes it even better is that the change from adoration to abhorrence is so marked, such a contrast that your reaction is increased, magnified and boosted. This means all the more of your negative emotional reactions for me to drink in. I have a toolkit full of various manipulations. I have been using some of the tools on you already, although you were so blinded by the brilliance of my seduction you did not notice.
It will be different now. Some of the tools are very subtle and you will have no idea that I am controlling you. Others are pretty brutal and you won’t be able to miss them. I wish you hadn’t changed but it has happened. I don’t delight in doing this you know; I just have to do it. It is necessary for my survival and I am of course more important than you, or at least, that is what I keep telling myself. After all, that has to be true hasn’t it? If you were more important than me, you would not find yourself in this situation would you?
You wouldn’t be about to face systematic abuse which will leave you hurt, upset, bewildered, exhausted, worried, anxious, terrified, puzzled and near broken. I’m not the one who is going to suffer. You are. You might consider this a punishment for failing to keep up the correct standard of emotional attention that I need.
If you do, so be it. Punishment or not, it has to happen because I have to fill that void. Being able to extract such negative emotional attention from you stands as a true measure of my power over you and this is what all of this is about, power. I have to feel powerful because if I do not then I vanish and I do not want that to ever happen. I have realised that the only way that I am able to feel powerful is by harnessing the emotional responses of other people and yours most of all. I suppose you do have some importance then don’t you, just not as much as me.
Don’t take it personally. I have done this to plenty of other people like you. I thought they would prove effective in providing me the emotional attention but despite my best endeavours, careful selection and giving nature, they still malfunctioned. It is very disappointing. In order to fix the situation, I need to change the nature of my interaction with you so that I hurt you.
There are thousands of ways of doing this. I may call you names, I may stop having sex with you, I may punch you, I may take your money away, I may stop you seeing your friends, I may just stand and stare at you, I may stop speaking to you, I may disappear, I may have an affair well probably more than one, I may not offer any help to you around the house, I may hide your possessions, I may smash things up, I may disagree with you repeatedly and so much more. There are so many different ways to extract that negative emotional attention.
Think of it like a torturer just trying to extract information. He does not care about who you are, he just wants his goal; the information. I am just the same. You do not matter to me. I am not doing this because of who you are, it is what you have failed to do and my goal is to get your negative emotional attention and to do so repeatedly.
It’s not all bad news though. I will flick the switch and be delightful to you again and provide you with some respite from my seemingly ceaseless horrible behaviour. Don’t be mistaken and think that I am doing that because I care about you or because I have suddenly seen the error of my ways.
I know you and others like you see my ways as wrong, but I seem them as necessary. I will offer you some respite so you don’t leave until I decide it is time for you to go. I do it because I feel that the contrasting positive fuel that you will provide – the relief, the joy, the thanks – will serve me well in filling the void. I don’t expect it to last but it will at least stop you from leaving me and allow you some form of recovery before I flick the switch once more and away we go again.
You can expect this to go on for as long as I can keep drawing sufficient emotional attention from you. Back and forth we will go. One day good. The next bad. The next good. The next two bad. It will leave you completely baffled, confused and deranged but that suits me fine. That way you won’t be able to think straight. I do not want you making any calm and rational decisions. Heavens no, you might actually work out what I am and decide to get away from me and I cannot have my supremacy and authority challenged in that manner. I say when things happen around here.
I would say sorry for what is about to happen but eventually you will realise that I rarely say that word and if I do I never mean it. I just use it as another way of getting what I want. That’s a fact. It just the way I am. Deal with it. Well, I suppose I had better open up the toolkit and select the first dark instrument to use against you because I am starting to feel restless already and something needs to be fed.
With mechanical action
9 thoughts on “A Poisoned Pen”
Soon to be sparkling!
I found these comments very helpful.
HG Tudor says:
March 20, 2018 at 18:01
I am not broken. I am highly effective.
Some of what I do receives the label of evil. Some of what I do receives the label of good.
narc affair says:
March 21, 2018 at 13:27
Also do you agree with your mothers treatment of you? Do you think she is broken in the way she thinks and acts? She might be a different school of narcissist but she has npd as well. Npd is a disorder.
HG Tudor says:
March 21, 2018 at 13:38
Of course I do not agree with her treatment of me. I do not regard her as broken. I know NPD is described as disorder. It is a disorder to those who do not have NPD, but it is not so, to us.
I’m not sure that we’re broken appliances anymore.
What I mean is; we are happy to fall in love and receive love and stay that way. We function.
I could be wrong and I know that I am a lot of the time, but it is the Narcissist that is the broken appliance. You (your kind) were broken young and you (your kind) spend the rest of your lives trying to make everyone else pay the price of that.
We’re not broken. We aren’t breakable. We are so tough to endure what we do and we just go on and on and keep getting back up, no matter how many times we get pushed down. It doesn’t matter, we just bounce back.
Do you hate us because we are so much stronger? Is it because we couldn’t be broken, when your kind could be?
Is this just hate and jealousy because we are the strong ones afterall?
Soon to be sparkling!
This article might help answer your question re: hate and jealousy.
I’m sorry that I didn’t reply sooner. I never received an alert about your message.
Thank you for the link. It was a very hard one to read actually.
I can see it on paper. But in reality, I just, still, can’t wrap my head around it all. I always try to imagine how other people must feel, but I just can’t put myself in the shoes of someone who can’t feel. I can’t even imagine it or feel what that must be like.
But I’m certain that feeling too much is worth it, rather than to not feel at all.
My pleasure Soon to be sparkling!
No worries, you didn’t do anything wrong so there’s no need to be sorry. Although the subject matter is difficult, I think the blog should be low stress.
That article is very difficult to read; it is heartbreaking when you think about it. I agree with you; we, both the empath and the narcissist, have all suffered and it’s no one’s fault. This was done to all of us.
It’s very difficult to imagine what they must feel, because we have emotional empathy, and we have access to many emotions that are denied to them, however, I strongly suspect that they don’t miss what they never had.
The Narchivist (haha)
Now that I found you here K, is there any chance you could find the short banter I had with PSE and Lorelei regarding handbags or the one I had with NA about Hitmen and murdering narcissists? I cannot find either for the life of me
I think the convo re: handbags is on Kiss Me. There’s another convo about handbags on the second link but I couldn’t find you on that thread. Let me know if that is the correct convo. Was the hitman comment recent?
found it at last! Thank you for finding these comments for me, you’re the best. The Hitman comment was from a really long time ago and short so no doubt difficult to find
My pleasure Desirée!
If I find the Hitman comment, I will post it.