Why Does The Extent of the Narcissist’s Manipulations Vary?


He said he would marry me but he never did. He met the new woman and within a year they were married. Why her and not me?

I talked to his last girlfriend and she said he had beaten her up many times. That did not happen to me though.

I did not get much of a golden period, but I can see on his Facebook he is posting pictures of flowers he has sent her and other gifts. Why didn’t I get that?

She often talks about how wonderful my sister is, but never talks about my achievements.

He always talks about all the places he went with his ex but he never takes me anywhere. Why did she get all that and I do not?


Doubtless you will recognise comments such as these or variations of them. Why do we, as narcissists, behave in different ways with those in our fuel matrix? What causes this distinction in treatment. There are several factors but they all lead to one outcome which I shall explain to you further in this article. Let’s look at the factors :-

  1. Your status in the fuel matrix. It is important to establish where you sit within the fuel matrix. This can be easy enough to ascertain but often is not and therefore you can address this through What’s My Place in the Fuel Matrix?Your position in the fuel matrix reflects the importance of your provision of The Prime Aims and as a consequence the higher you are in the fuel matrix (as a general rule) the more varied, sustained and intense the manipulations (both benign and malign) will be.
  2. Whether you are painted black or white in our eyes.
  3. Where you are in the dynamic with the narcissist. Are you at the outset of seduction of an intimate nature? Have you been embedded and thus remain in the golden period as the Intimate Partner Primary Source? Are you on the shelf as an IPSS?
  4. What is the nature of your interaction with the narcissist? Are you interacting at all? Are you providing Pure Fuel, Challenge Fuel or Wounding?
  5. How large and accessible is the narcissist’s fuel matrix? Does the narcissist have other options besides you, how accessible are they and to what extent will they satisfy The Prime Aims?
  6. Perception. You may perceive (through the warped lens of Emotional Thinking) that there is a considerable variance in behaviour, but you need to revisit this and look for evidence. You may perceive that he is ‘always buying’ your replacement gifts, but is her really. You are likely to find, when looking at from an evidential point of view that he has only bought gifts two or three times, but your emotional thinking took hold of your narcissistic trait of envy and used it against you to suggest there was a lot of gift buying going on, so that you would continue to engage with the narcissist as a consequence of this envy, annoyance and/or sadness.
  7. Consider also instances where the basis of your comparison is information fed by     the narcissist, him or herself. The narcissist tells you he went to Rome, Paris, Budapest, Copenhagen and so forth with his previous girlfriend whilst you get Bognor Regis Butlins. But do you have any evidence that he took her to these places? Are there pictures of them in these locations for instance? Remember, the narcissist will say and do anything in order to maintain control and saying things is the easiest, fastest and most efficient method available. I have lost count of the number of times I have stopped people during consultations and asked “How do you know this?” and they respond with “The narcissist told me.” I then explain that this cannot be relied on and therefore they must seek independent evidence. Often they do so and later confirm to me that the narcissist lied. These lies will be used in relation to benign and malign matters also. Accordingly, your perception may also be affected by the lies of the narcissist so you are led to believe that a different victim was treated better or differently when in actual fact they were not.

All of these factors influence the degree to which the narcissist manipulates you but what do they all lead to ultimately?


The extent of the manipulation is linked to the necessity to exert control over the appliance.

Take for example a tube of toothpaste. If the tube is full of toothpaste, you do not have to exert much pressure on the tube to get what you want, namely the toothpaste. A gentle squeeze and out comes the minty, plaque attacker. Conversely, if the tube is nearly empty, you have to squeeze from the very edge of the tube, possibly rolling it upwards in order to coax the last of the toothpaste out of the tube and onto your toothbrush. Comparatively, this takes a lot more effort to achieve the same outcome – toothpaste on the toothbrush.

Similarly, the outcome we want is control. Control over you and others.

If that control can be achieved with a gentle squeeze then this is what happens. If we need to obtain that control through more concentrated effort, with a sustained and intense squeeze, then this is what happens instead.

We must have control and because the circumstances that both

  1. Threaten our control in the first instance ; and
  2. Threaten the assertion of control

can and will vary considerably, then so does the type of manipulation applied, the extent and intensity of that manipulation and the effort applied to apply it.

Of course, in certain instances we may decide that the tube of toothpaste is no longer working at all and throw it away. Or that it is too much effort to squeeze those last drops of toothpaste out and we can pick up a new tube of toothpaste nearby far easier. Again, the achieving and maintenance of control will vary dependent upon circumstances.

If you are easy to control, then the variance and intensity of the manipulations (both malign and benign) will not be extensive because it is not necessary. We hate having to do more than is necessary, indeed, we nearly always avoid such a situation.

If you are far harder to control then the assertion of control might be through a wider range of manipulations and of a greater intensity. In some instances the effort is applied for a period of time but the cost proves too great so some of our kind will apply control by rejection (it might be a silent treatment or disengagement) and will turn to a different appliance to provide the Prime Aims instead.


He said he would marry me but he never did. He met the new woman and within a year they were married. Why her and not me? Because you could be controlled without the necessity of marrying you. It was necessary to marry her to gain control.

I talked to his last girlfriend and she said he had beaten her up many times. That did not happen to me though. Because in order to control her, he had to beat her up. In order to control you, he did not need to.

I did not get much of a golden period, but I can see on his Facebook he is posting pictures of flowers he has sent her and other gifts. Why didn’t I get that? Check the perception and if it is accurate then he has sent her all of these gifts because he needed to do so to gain control. It was not necessary with you.

She often talks about how wonderful my sister is, but never talks about my achievements. Because it is more effective to gain control over you by triangulating you with your sister and not giving you praise, than it is to praise you. (For all you know, your sister may be making precisely the same comment!)

He always talks about all the places he went with his ex but he never takes me anywhere. Why did she get all that and I do not? Check the evidence and if it is accurate then it was necessary to take the ex to these places to gain control. It is easier to triangulate you by mentioning them to control you, than it is to take you to these places to gain control.

It is all about the control.

58 thoughts on “Why Does The Extent of the Narcissist’s Manipulations Vary?

  1. Cloudy says:

    GOSO will help finding peace.

  2. cogra002 says:

    Articles such as this have helped me turn the tables somewhat (although I’m the worst about ending it once and for all).
    But now, I totally realize the Narc lies or drops subtle hints intentionally to upset me, make me feel not good enough, as if he’s slipping away, etc.
    Now, mostly I think he’s lying or trying to deliberately upset me, so I rarely react.
    He doesn’t know HG is behind the scenes clueing us in to the bullshit. I have no idea what he thinks about my lack of reaction (while in my head I hear 💩.) when he tries.
    Smalls wins with Coach HG in the background!

    1. Pati says:

      Congra002 I am going through the exact same thing!!!!!!

      1. Mary Robinson says:

        Me too.

  3. Whitney says:

    Feeling unworthy is what keeps me addicted so this article is SO helpful for me, thank you HG 💝 You understand us.

    1. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

      Whitney: I am thinking about your post here: [ `Feeling unworthy is what keeps me addicted so this article is SO helpful for me, thank you HG 💝 You understand us.`]. Whitney, what if, some feelings that we have about ourselves would take a lifetime or more to change? Such as feeling unworthy,etc? But, we can learn from Narcissists, Whitney. HG says the way they feel can not be changed and barely modified. But, have you seen what that do about this? Well, Whitney, they have Primary Aims. We can learn from this. For example, we could think, I actually may not be worthy or even feel worthy or ever feel worthy, or I may not be this or that, or feel this or that, no matter how I try, and I will still try, HOWEVER, I have a New Goal: No matter how I feel about myself, at any given time, I will no longer permit anyone to treat me like _________________. We each can fill in the blank, ourselves. This idea came to me just after reading your post. You are a beautiful person inside. But, you can not make anyone see that, or treat you accordingly. You can not even make yourself believe that, perhaps, but believe me, you CAN stop taking people`s mistreatment of you. You can say, you have given enough to the cause, so to speak. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH: THE BUCK STOPS HERE. Starting right now, Whitney.

    2. cogra002 says:

      Whitney, the addiction part is sooo hard. Especially for someone by themself, like me.
      You are not alone struggling with this addiction that they intentionally and knowingly did to us.

    3. cogra002 says:

      Whitney, maybe its deeper, but I think flat out loneliness keeps me addicted. I’m a busy professional, very active and involved…but we all need some people to talk to. And he’s there so much more than anyone else. I think that’s my main problem.

  4. Witch says:

    This was very insightful. I’ve sent an extract to my sister. I’m also going to buy her Fuel.
    Her ex is a narcissist and I suspect either an upper lesser or a lower Mid-Ranger. I’ll have to go over the criteria again

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Witch and also for purchasing fuel for your sister, good work.

  5. Jdhers says:

    Great post. Thank you for bringing much clarity to an issue difficult to comprehend. You produce some great work, but this was a home run.

  6. SMH says:

    HG, Your American readers will not know Bognor Regis Butlins, though it sounds as awful as it is :). I was generally pretty docile – I would escape rather than confront him – so he never rejected me. Instead, I think he tried to extend his control. Evenings and weekends were at first mine, but then he started to contact me and see me on the weekends. At the time, I thought the relationship was being taken to another level but now I believe he was trying to get more of a grip by extending his control of me to my “free” periods too.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They can look it up, I believe there is something called “the internet”.

      1. Emextraordinaire says:

        I actually did!

      2. SMH says:

        I always forget that teasing does not compute, even with a smiley face. That is what got me into trouble with MRN. AI is impossible…

        1. Kim e says:

          Yes SMH. Don’t waste sarcasm on a MRN. You will get the tilted head look like from a German Shepard when you tell it to climb a tree.

          1. SMH says:

            Kim e, Never ceases to amaze me. It must be because facetiousness is kind of uncontrolled and unpredictable? The object/objective isn’t clear? So narcs have to immediately put out the flame? Can’t run with it? It’s so weird.

          2. Kim e says:

            My N would just give me a look when I would be sarcastic and I knew it did not compute. I guess sarcasm is learned as it really is a personal thing how it is reacated to. I could use it on one person and get a totally different response if the exact same was used on a different person.
            Today is halloween. In keeping with the things we randomly remember, 2 years ago today, we were on the train together going home talking about the candy we had bought. Sigh………..missing the illusion today.

          3. SMH says:

            Aww, sorry Kim e. Will you have a lot of kids tonight? The kids in my neighborhood go to the shops during the day to trick or treat on their way home from school and it’s pouring rain anyway. Since MRN is Canadian, our kids are grown, and we were in London we really didn’t have many holidays to experience together (not that we would have) or to discuss. I wasn’t usually around at Xmas and New Year’s. The time he contacted me after a month’s NC to ask where I was, it was New Year’s Eve and he didn’t even say Happy New Year. It took him two hours to say Happy Birthday to me too, and he only did it because I made him do it. If there was a terrorist attack or a natural disaster, he never acknowledged those either. He was jealous that I got to see the Cubbies win the WS and he did not. I messaged him at 1:00 a.m. NY time because I knew he would be getting up in London. You’ve gotta see the 10th inning!!! Yeah, I rubbed it in a bit…did narc at least say Happy Halloween?

            Sarcasm is also harder to understand in writing, which is where emojis come in handy.

          4. Kim e says:

            I had one trick or treater and that is a good thing as I quit buying candy years ago. Not a large child population where I live and I got tired of spending so much money on candy only to have noone show up. Plus I had the chiro last night and when I got home felt like crap as he moves all the toxins around and gives me veritgo so when I got home I was prone on the couch. One rugrat rang my doorbell and since I did not answer opened my screen door and banged onthe front door.
            I did get a birthday text this year after he asked me 8 times when is your birthday….Good Evening, Happy Birthday Sweetheart….my first thought was sure would be nice if you really meant it……but in my typical fashion with him I just said Thank you.
            CUBBIES winning. That was epic!! I was screaming at the TV all night for some of the stuff Joe did that I did not agree with and then jumping up and down when they own. I was very tired the next day. But it was so worth it.
            No…N did not say Happy Halloween as you keep telling me I can not unblock him. Plus we got snow yesterday and he ususally used that as an excuse to “make sure I was OK”……cuz he loved me……. (barf)

          5. SMH says:

            Kim e, I meant Happy Halloween on the train two years ago, if you can remember back that far. lol. rugrats. Can’t believe a kid banged on your door. What did he think? You were prone on the couch or something?

            I am not much of a baseball fan (though loving the Nats these days) and I did not even know at the time that MRN was, but somehow I did know that he would be jealous (this was back before I really knew what he was but I was already fascinated by his reactions to things). Why would he be jealous? Anything I would get excited about would make him jealous if it wasn’t about him.

      3. Violetta says:

        Have looked it up. Oh dear God.

    2. SMH: I am reluctant to look it up…what is it???

      1. SMH says:

        lol Violetta. PSE, it’s a ‘holiday camp’ – maybe what we would call a ‘resort’ but not a classy one, not someplace HG would frequent (it goes without saying). It’s for the ‘common people.’ Hence the narc takes the IPPS in devaluation to Butlins.

        1. SMH: Thank you. I can not look up everything, all the time, in my life. I have to constantly triage, for better and for worse. Anyway, Devaluation is a real ______________. We all can fill in the blank ourselves, on a case by case basis, accordingly.

        2. SMH: The name sounds like a devaluation in itself to my American ears: Like when you posted `Hence the narc takes the IPPS in devaluation to Butlins.` And it is probably why I did not look it up. Sometimes the way a word sounds and what it means is similar, as in this case : (Onomatopoeia?? or something like that? I appreciate any assistance in this from anyone that knows the English language pretty well). Anyway, Bognor and Butlin sounded iffy to me. Regis, though, I like. However, BOGNOR Regis BUTLIN, did not entice me to go to google and look it up, although I was a tiny bit curious. Thank you SMH. Mystery solved.

          1. Violetta says:

            The class thing wouldn’t bother me, though it would definitely appall both HG and his lady friend–he’d have to suffer just to make HER suffer. It’s the something else. It’s not like Niagara Falls or Vegas, or one of those honeymoon places in the Poconos with the heart-shaped hot tubs, where you could go with conscious irony. There’s something simultaneously esratz but terribly sincere about it.

            If you’re going to go low in Britain, do the real thing: Blackpool. More like Atlantic City before and after the casino boom: seedy, and fiercely proud of it.

          2. SMH says:

            Spot on, Violetta. Personally, I especially love English seaside towns but as you say, in an ironic way. I don’t know if Butlins does irony as I’ve never been but I don’t think so as it would be too edgy for the common people insecure about their place in the British class system.

          3. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

            Violetta: Regarding Bognor Regis Butlin and Blackpool. Whew! BUT, I am just BOGged down thinking about it all. And if I do not really investigate well, before I visit across the pond, I could just end up in a Black Pool. It all sounds to me so Out-REGIS, I mean, Outrageous.

          4. SMH says:

            Nice going, PSE!

          5. SMH says:

            lol, PSE. You are correct and that is why it is the ‘butt’ of a lot of jokes, as well as being the prefect spot for a narc to take his devalued IPPS.

  7. AR says:

    HG, do you mind me asking a question about your ex wife? As far as i know you were married once. You married her because it was necessary to gain control or there were other reasons besides control?

    Btw you forgot to change the picture.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Other reasons alongside the need to control.

      1. Mary Robinson says:

        HAHA You loved her maybe?

        1. Mary Robinson says:

          In your own way of course.

  8. Lorelei says:

    I love this! I have always been curious. Not always on the good receiving end in terms of feeling like I accepted less.. Both my former spouses had to marry me unlike women before them—they were both hard to get by the view of others. Yet, there were things I’ve wondered about with my recent ex—he did have to marry me but I settled into a routine early on of not accepting much in the way of the out and about. The circumstances were different. I had a young child at first in our dynamic and more to follow, so I wasn’t in such a place in my life to require this almost accommodation of an “out and about life”—there was nothing for him to mirror in the same way there is now. I should be proud of what he was mirroring (from me) by comparison to his current behavior. I always feel like a loser until I really think with more depth. Basically he had to behave and act like he had a strong moral compass and with class. I’ll take that tid bit as a compliment to myself. I know I say nutball things on here at times—but not in the real world!

    1. FoolMe1Time says:

      You have a lot to be very proud of Lorelei! We are all use to your nutball things you say on here, I wouldn’t want you any other way! 😘💞

      1. Lorelei: Fascinating topic. I have to think about your post more. Fuel and Facades. Such a drastic change that your X made is shocking to me, but of course, that is according to my world view. Has he ever given any explanation, I wonder. However, I must say, I never heard of such a dramatic change from what is considered a more prestigious carriage to what is considered more, sort of, off the grid. I have seen off the grid go more prestigious, but rarely the converse. And even more rarely, willingly. Unless it is a case of major midlife crisis? I have seen that sort of mid life crisis happen, but more in movies than in real life. And thanks for the suggestion of Brahmin. I bought one. From $400.00 marked down to $150, and then I asked the sales lady for the soft storage protector that the other Brahmins had, that recently arrived, and the saleslady could not find it and she asked me, if she would give me the Brahmin for $100, would I do my best to not exchange/return it? I told her, absolutely! So, I have a Brahmin handbag, beigish (with a very subtle pinkish undertone) with a raised mock crocodile pattern, for an excellent price. I desperately needed a new handbag. I have a pair of shoes in the same color, unbelievably. And, I love it. It looks classy/friendly. Classy in that the workmanship and pattern and shape and leather are all very good, and I like crocodile accessories, and it even has a guarantee. Friendly, in that I never saw a live beige crocodile with a subtle almost pink undertone, that was also very crisp and clean looking, like my new handbag. Thank you for the recommendation.

        1. Lorelei says:

          Love this description of the purse! I’m sure HG loves it! Brahmin craftsmanship is excellent—It’s also a bit unique as they aren’t “everywhere.” I’d have to ask HG about my ex’s behavior shift. He could articulate what it’s about because he has surely labored filtering my gripes on here —I admittedly have been so perplexed at times. It’s truly (honest to goodness) embarrassing. My 13-year-old is starting to experience a discomfort at times by the girlfriends behavior. (She was carrying on at some county fair music festival like a teenager and my daughter was humiliated) Remember though—this spins both ways. To his family I am a snob, think I’m better than, I’m a this or that.. Well yes indeed whatever and they can fuck themselves and then fuck the hell off. Thanks HG! Fucking clan of dimwits anyway.

          1. Lorelei: Speaking of subtlety in colors, I hope HG remembers that these various computer monitors and cell phone screens have a life of their own, and his shorts do appear red on some screens. However, I have been informed that they are TANGERINE. However, I just want the look to stay. I liked the other shorts as well. And, they were TANGERINE as well, I was informed.

          2. Lorelei says:

            Can even HG have the power to eliminate my anxiety of deep water so I can snorkel on Phi Phi Island tomorrow? I swim well but can’t handle the depth looking down. Tangerine bathing attire won’t make it happen. Yet, I can accessorize with my straw hat as I sit on a boat. No purse though—a boring back pack, although I saw a NorthFace back pack I’d like to have.

          3. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

            Lorelei: What is wrong with fearing deep water, and walking on tightropes across the top of skyscrapers, or flying in practically a tin-can space shuttle into outer space, or putting one’s head in the mouth of a `tame` lion (yesterday, I was listening to HG on youtube, and he was discussing logic versus persuasion, in short, do not put one’s head inside the mouth of a lion no matter whom convinces one to do so, even if it is oneself)? If something bad happens to you, people will often say one of 2 things: 1) How Sad, But She Knew The Risk Involved, or 2) Such Tragedy Never Usually Happens Around Here. lol. So, go ahead and fear that deep water and those rip tides, and sharks and stingrays and those piranhas and the fact that you could drown with one mishap, or if your muscles cramp and so forth. Enjoy your fear and live. Stay alive at all costs. I think that Chanel Cross body bag, and those saddlebags I see lately, would be good for that sort of outing. Something sporty and not formal. But, right now I need the basics, so no Chanel crossbody and that sort of saddle bag for me, right now. I would just take that sort of Chanel cross body bag to the gym, beach, park, street fair, etc. anyway. By the way, how much is the Chanel Cross Body, in general?

          4. Lorelei says:

            Princess—HG is going to lose his mind but I can’t help it. There are some cute Kate Spade bags on Nordstrom Rack—great prices.

          5. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

            Lorelei. Remember, HG is interested in banking and finance, and human behavior, etc.: So, Kate is dead. Suicide. I remember the news when her body was found. Some said that her leveraging party with investment banks was over, and for whatever reason, the banks were reluctant to keep giving her all of those delicious `loans.` And she could not take the huge financial embarrassment and soon to be publicized business failure that was coming her way. That was the initial story, and then, of course, the story swerved into the more palatable story of her husband wanting out of the marriage, or something like that, as the cause of her suicide. Who knows. I remember all this and I do not need to seek whatever Google recorded. But, I earnestly suggest to you, Lorelei, to not get a Kate Spade, at this point. So very depressing and disturbing. You will be carrying bad finance and suicide and runaway-male vibes with that Kate Spade bag, okay? And, this post proves that point. In fact, try not to wear an obvious Kate Spade bag in NYC. Devout Fashionistas will look at your bag, and tears may build up in their eyes, over her demise. Regarding the Chanel cross body, I may be thinking of a different handbag than you are discussing, so I from this point on will refrain from judging, but I do know that those Designer saddlebags are extraneous looking and too casual looking with that kidney? shape. I do not have an overwhelming desire to think about kidneys, and that is why in my opinion that sort of kidney shaped bag is good for the gym and sporty things and stuff like that.

          6. Lorelei says:

            Nothing I like looks like a kidney! And the Chanel price I gave is for vintage also—new is even crazier! I’m all pursed out. There is nothing I need for a long time. Except whatever trinkets I view as necessary in the moment! I’m actually purging my house to stay lighter and off the hoarding shows!

          7. Lorelei: PSE approves of the purging. I am working on purging myself, now that my mind is clearing due to my No Contact regime. I had buried myself in disorganization during those 3 years of intense Narcville. Purging of things, that is. I have no people left to purge due at this point , due to my GOSO regime. Also, and I will stop here before HG shuts us down, I have been watching and I am fascinated, as of late, by the Capsule Wardrobe influencers for women, on Youtube. So, I have been watching a lot of different ideas from various stylish females and now I am almost ready to create my first ever Capsule Wardrobe for Fall and see how it goes. I do think that men in general instinctively have `Capsule Wardrobes`. Men are largely so much smarter and even encouraged to be so much smarter than we females are, in this area of dressing themselves. One reason men have more money in their savings, as well. I still want to hire a maid for once or twice a month. So, I have to streamline my life more. And, so, I have to have everything perfect for her at least on day one, as you know. Men never understand why women clean up a bit before the maid comes to clean. hahaha. I guess it is a female thing. lol. Anyway, one item constantly appears on various Capsule Wardrobe`s for Women: One must have, a simple pair of leather pants, or leather looking coated pants or realistic leather looking leggings or jeggings. That can be worn in different ways, such as casual or sporty, or rock and roll-sh, and date nights (for you, Lorelei…I am not interested in dating as of yet). etc. Wow!!!! I`m done, Dearest HG Tudor. bye.

          8. Lorelei says:

            HG probably has a capsule wardrobe! It’s a perfect idea. I’ve been using a person for lots of organizing while I’m under remodel in the home, but for ongoing cleaning I’m capable of doling out work to the kids after it’s all said and done. They are really a bit spoiled and need a swift kick in the behind. (The girls are prima donna in this regard—not my son as much) Virtually everything has been scrubbed, replaced or painted. It’s like a new house to return to from this excursion I’m on. (It’s been ongoing but entering the end)
            The girls need to learn to maintain a home—they are 13 &11—it’s more than time to get kicked out of the nest in this regard. They always complain and gripe. My son does 90% of the animal care independently and he is only 10! Without being asked and he is very clean. The girls are pigs. They leave water bottles in their rooms which takes me over the edge. They do their own laundry though but if I need to remind them not to leave wet towels laying in a heap on bathroom floors…! I think people use daily charts for kids so I need to figure it out. I’ve always barked out what needs done daily and it’s always a pain in the ass. Someone feels they have more to do, etc. Now I have basketball cheerleading to deal with every day after school. During rush hour traffic. I could lose my mind.
            We are fortunate we don’t have to date and suck the life out of people like vampires. It’s not a requirement to intertwine our sense of self into another person’s reality. We can create our own and solidify who we are because there is a framework (at least) built unlike the narcissist. I’m extremely active too with hobbies.

          9. SMH says:

            Lorelei, This reminds me that MRN once took a shower at my place, dried off and DROPPED the towel on the floor of the bedroom right in front of me. I didn’t say anything but I couldn’t believe it. It was like he was forever stuck at age 11. I could see my future or at least IPPS’s life. She clearly had to pick up his towels and underwear every day…

          10. Lorelei says:

            Oh and I don’t have leather pants. Remember Ross in Friends in the leather pants episode. It’s an all time favorite. I wonder if it’s ever happened to HG? That his leather pants tooted in sound and he had to clarify it was the pants against the furniture..


    2. njfilly says:

      “I know I say nutball things on here at times—but not in the real world!”

      That’s too funny!! Same for me, though.

      1. Lorelei says:

        Heck no. Never. I’m pretty reserved which is nice about this place. I slip up at times yes—but not often. It’s all facade management.

  9. Pati says:

    It now explains why he married me in 8 months and got me pregnant. When we were dating his ex for 2 years she passed by his work to see him. Brought him a coffee and she got upset and dumped it over his head. I didnt care because he was mine at the time. I should have asked all these questions but I was in the golden period and it was all Rosey in the garden. I didnt see the red flags !!!!!!
    Thank you HG

    1. E. B. says:

      If she did that to him, it seems to me that she was not his ex when it happened.

      1. E.B. Definitely curious behaviour for an `X.`

        1. E. B. says:

          Exactly, PSE.

  10. E. B. says:

    Extremely helpful, thank you so much. This explains why they can behave so differently with different sources of fuel. I used to take it personally. They made me feel I did not deserve to be treated with respect like other people, unworthy. Unfotuntely, some of the things they said are still deep ingrained beliefs. They do not magically disappear just by going no contact. Going no contact is the first step. There is a lot of work to be done.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You’re welcome

      1. Kathleen says:

        Thanks-I’ve on and off wondered a bit about that HG.
        I’ve had a lot of time to compare things with her ex whom Narc and I were running around on- whom I’m friends with now.
        It’s really quite simple – fuel and control needs explain most everything they do. Her ex had Some different experiences than I did. Sometimes The narc excuses have to do with life circumstances like children and parents and aging and money. But even so- Just Apply fuel and control to those situations and you get the same answers.

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