You Make It So Easy For Us (Or Your Emotional Thinking Does)
“Hey look Sandra, a gypsy clairvoyant, I have always wanted to try one of these out.”
“Really?”
“Oh yes, I am interested in that kind of thing. Do you want to as well?”
“No thanks, you go ahead, I will go and get a drink, see you in a few minutes, I will be just over there.”
“Okay. Oh hang on, is that my phone,” you scrabble in your bag and pull your phone free, “It’s Graham, I will see you later,” you wave at your friend as you jab at the screen but you have missed the call. You consider calling back but you are too excited to learn what the Gypsy Rosie Lee has to say.
You push the curtain aside and enter.
“Hello?” you ask tentatively.
“Please come in,” says a low voice.
You move forward and as your eyes adjust from the bright sunshine outside which has blessed the fair to the dimmer interior of this tent you see a lady sat to one side of a table. She beckons you towards a seat opposite and you oblige, sitting down and opening your purse to place the required fee in her outstretched and wrinkled hand. Paper certainly seems to have trumped silver in terms of crossing her palm these days.
“Give me your hands child,” she says gently and you proffer your hands. She takes hold of them, her grip stronger than you would imagine. You look at her, a veil across the lower half of her face, headscarf wrapped about her head, only her aged forehead and gleaming dark eyes visible. She holds your hands for a moment as she remains silent. Eventually she lets go and then moves her hands, probably more for show than effectiveness, over the crystal ball between you.
“Let me confirm the present for you,” she begins. You nod, eyes wide with excitement and anticipation to ascertain if she is correct in what she sees.
“You are a professional lady, earning your own income,” she begins. You nod already impressed.
“You are very much in love, in fact, you are head over heels in love with a man. He is handsome, charming and he loves you unlike anything you have known before.”
“Yes, that’s right,” you say with a gasp of amazement.
“His name begins with a G”
You give another enthusiastic nod.
“He is called Graham and you adore him.”
“Wow, yes he is and I do, I love him so much.”
“You recently moved in together.”
“Yes, he has moved in to my house,” you confirm staggered at the accuracy of what she is telling you.
“You have many friends and they think highly of you, you are a popular and you want to start a family soon, in fact you want children very much.”
You continue to nod.
“I have a grounding of your present dear child, now, let me see what the future holds for you.” She waves her hands theatrically over the crystal ball and peers into it, staring intently into it depths. You watch and wait, hardly daring to breathe…….
A little time later you emerge into the warm sunshine again and walk over to Sandra who is sat drink in hand watching the world go by.
“Hi, how did it go?” she asks raising her hand above her eyes so she can see you against the bright sunlight.
“What a waste of money,” you reply part in anger and part in upset.
“That doesn’t surprise me,” laughs Sandra but she cuts her amusement short when she sees how wretched you look. You sit down beside her.
“What is it? What did she say?”
“Well, she started off so well. She took my hands and then told me that I was a professional lady with my own income. That I was head over heels in love. That I wanted children. She told me that I lived with Graham and she even knew his name, I was blown away at how much she knew.”
“Oh Elaine, you are too trusting you know. I have always said this about you.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Well, she can tell by the way you are dressed and your smooth soft hands that you are hardly a factory worker, so that was an educated desk. Professional lady can cover so much.”
“Hmm, maybe, but what about knowing that I am head over heels in love?”
Your friend taps your finger.
“You are wearing an expensive and modern engagement ring. Whoever is wearing one of those is bound to be caught up in the rush of love and from that there is a good chance you will be living with somebody.”
“Well yes I see your point, I guess, but what about wanting children?”
“Wow, breaking news, young woman in a relationship wants children. That’s never happened before has it?”
“Okay, okay, but answer this then, how did she know he is called Graham?”
“Honestly, I think I should set up as one of these fortune tellers, she heard you mention his name when he called. Chances are it was a partner otherwise you would have said “it’s dad” or “it’s my brother”. These people are skilled at recognising types and of course you want to believe what she has to say, they are conditioning you so that when they get the basics right, they can tell you any old bunkum about the future. They program you to hang on their every word and so you are brainwashed into thinking they know the future. Talking of which, what did she have to say about that?”
“Well, that is where I lost faith in here. I still think she knew about my present well enough, she got so much right, but she just went completely off at a tangent about the future.”
“How so?”
“Well she says that Graham is not all that he seems and his apparent love masks an empty heart. She warned me that within months he will, how did she say it, yes that is right, he will “show me the true meaning of hatred”. She said that he would kick me out of my home, my home! She told me that he is a con man and that he would rack up huge debts in my name, force me to do horrible things with him in bed and that he will have a string of affairs. Oh yes, she even said that he was bisexual, can you believe that?”
You friend lets out a hoot of laughter.
“See, I told you, it is a load of rubbish, I mean Graham is the loveliest man you could ever meet, he is so good to you.”
“I know, I told her she was wrong, but she just fixed me with this stare. It unnerved me actually. It was as if she was looking straight through me you know, there was no emotion, just these really dark eyes looking at me.”
“Did she say anything?”
“Yes, she said that the “devil always beats his handmaiden no matter how hard she tries to please him” and I wanted to laugh at that but do you know what I actually felt terrified. I asked her to stop then.”
“I must admit, you looked rather distraught when you reached me. Don’t worry about it.”
“Honestly, the things she was saying, that he would not be a good father, that he would ruin us through gambling and that I would think I was with two different people, even in the same minute. She made him sound like some kind of madman. To be honest, it sounded like the plot of some terrifying film.”
“Tell me about it. Don’t be concerned, Graham is wonderful and he makes you so happy, yes it has been a whirlwind romance so far but you cannot let such an opportunity as this slip through your fingers can you?”
“I’m so glad you agree with me. I know what she said is all nonsense, my Graham is not like that all, but it was the way she looked at me, it chilled me to the core.”
“Forget about it, you have satisfied your curiosity and you know not to waste your money on something like that again. Come on, there’s a wheel of fortune over there, that’s going to be more reliable than Gypsy Story Teller.”
You smile and stand pushing the prophesy of the gypsy to the back of your mind. Nobody behaves like that and certainly not the man you love.
30 thoughts on “You Make It So Easy For Us (Or Your Emotional Thinking Does)”
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HG,
EMOTIONAL THINKING DOES SUCK.
I GUESS KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.
HG,
I feel extremely shattered knowing Ive been in a partnership that has pretended to love me and let me hang emotionally with the biggest challenges life brought me in the past.
Just excuses to cover up themselves
Is the gypsy clairvoyant the narcissist here? Lures in the client and scares her with seemingly extraordinary knowledge that is just piecing some superficial observations together and placing them in a context that you be applied to many people (just like most astrology). Then implanting fear in her with bleak predictions. She is upset and tries to dismiss it as stupid and wrong, but her confusion and fear will perhaps rise high enough in the near future so that she will feel a need to return to the gypsy woman’s parlor. Pay more cash, engage more in distorting her “future” and continue going back to see how she could prevent all that from happening, seeking her advice.
Nice HG. I often think of how difficult it will be to deal with not being the story teller and driving my girls away when they start dating versions of their father down the road. I already know one will. I just know. These sorts of warnings tend to drive people away.
Hi Lorelei,
I think once your girls are between 14-16 it would probably be helpful to have a conversation with them about sex and relationships that I wish my mother was capable of having with me.
I wish my mother told me that having different sexual partners doesn’t make you a slut, that sex will bond you but it’s not a contract and it’s not as big of a deal as you get older. Theres no such thing as soul mates. The ending of a relationship doesn’t mean you have failed. It’s okay to end a relationship if you aren’t happy. You’re probably not going to want to marry the first person you are with. Who you are at 18 is not who you are going to be at 40 etc.
My mother wasn’t logical or realistic, she just made me feel embarrassed about sex and relationships. She also made me feel like I had been ruined once I had sex, so I couldn’t speak to her when I was having problems.
Now I realise it was about control and she wanted me to only belong to her.
But if I had I mother who I could trust to speak to, things would probably have been a lot different. I wouldn’t have been so naive.
I had to re-parent myself through books and information online because my parents were really dumb
Excellent points Witch. My mother basically told me to make it work and suck it up. On the flip side of this—I ended up staying long enough to get the message and a very loud one that otherwise would not have happened. It took getting really knocked down to pay attention. The conversation needs to start now in a hundred ways. They are listening even though they pretend to be laughing when I’m serious.
I am naturally and comfortably attracted to abusive men. It is a natural lure and changing this is really hard. My hope is that the red flag of “that brand” of attraction becomes in effect, unattractive. Also, their total lack of self awareness is becoming off putting. Almost like a man lacking intelligence would not be attractive—the mid-range behaviors are starting to cluster into my view of their overall intellect. The girls are developing their own relationships and these ideas need planted along with behaviors discussed in detail.
I have a close friend who also struggles with being attracted to abusive men. Her mum is also a narc, but my friend still hopes her mum will change. My friend is the scapegoat. I’ve stopped telling her to stop messaging certain guys back now because I know it’s pointless, I just point out how they are being manipulative and how their message isn’t genuine because that appears to be more effective than telling her not to do something
My thinking suggests their ridiculous lack of self awareness is destined to become unattractive and therefore the lure is extinguished. To get there I have to continue exercising the recognition of the behavior and manipulations. I also find a huge red flag in an instant energetic “spark” because there is such a reciprocal back and forth lack of boundaries to put that energy out there. That can occur before I recognize other behaviors and there have been two such instances recently. It’s as much me as them absolutely.
The problem with my friend is she’s still caught up on needing closure and not wanting to hurt their feelings that even if she’s no longer with them, she will still have contact in some way.
She finds it very difficult to let people go and I think it’s part of her fear of abandonment. She’s getting there very slowly, but it’s happening.
The last guy (another narc) was ugly AF! I felt so disrespected that he had the cheek to even speak to my friend in the first place.. some people don’t know about staying within their means! He looks like something from the hills have eyes. I was so offended.
“The hills have eyes!” That sounds dreary.
Actually Lorelei I tell a lie, my mum did give me 2 pieces of good advice which I listened to and I am glad that I did.
1) she told me not to have any joint agreements with a man unless I’ve known him for several years, I trust he won’t F me over and we are married, then maybe I could consider it.
And 2) not to have any children for a man unless I believe I would be able to cope financially if he left.
Witch—it’s very dangerous to not be able to support oneself. Not only the danger of divorce—but death and disability of a partner.. Your mom was correct. I will pound this in my girls heads.
I agree lorelei that’s why I listened because I didn’t want to repeat her mistakes. I have a memory of being about 4-5 years old and her shouting at me saying “Do you want to see your dad or not because I have to go to court because of you.”
When really she had to go to court because she decided to try and trap a man with a pregnancy and it didn’t work
My mother told me if my dad left her because of me.. (insinuating something horrible..)
This comment was made several times because he was sick of my shenanigans and threatened to leave. My shenanigans were in line with someone living under the influence of bizarre and crazy. I ended up getting sent to boarding school instead. It was overall a good experience to get away. My dad struck them as unusual and I was asked repeatedly if he was abusive. I was so conditioned I always said no. Partially to protect our main financial support, (him) and partially because I was so used to it I didn’t know how bad it was. It upsets me to think back. I really had a lot of advantages but with it comes a lot of pain.
You probably weren’t even that bad, narc parents always exaggerate, they want to make things more dramatic than what it is. My mum would act like the roof caved in if you accidentally spilt your drink. All kids are a pain in the arse.. that’s their job.
I’m not sure what they knew entirely. I snuck out and got caught I recall. I can’t even remember the final straw. It was so long ago. One thing that feels familiar is that you get your ass kicked basically, and you act up or speak up and get the shaft and are told you are crazy. I was a nice person then and I’m a nice person now. I don’t give a damn if anyone thinks otherwise. I’ve been accommodating and catering to people who exploit my kindness for a very long time. It won’t happen in a sustained manner again, and if it does at all it was an accident in interpretation on my part. This applies to narcissists, empaths, wizards or nuns. I’m done. I’m very loyal to those closest to me. It will benefit them greatly when they need it. The rest can shove my foot up their ass.
im sorry that happened to you. When my mum would shout at me I just wouldn’t say anything because I knew it would be over more quickly if I didn’t respond. If I defended myself she would have gone on and on shouting and complaining for the whole day.
I’ve heard though my other sisters that apparently she’s drinking several times a week now. They only get worse over time.
I definitely relate to being exploited. When you’ve been pacified your whole life it’s hard to defend yourself because you weren’t taught that your feelings matter.
My mum never neglected my physical needs and she would allow me certain freedoms. But emotionally it was all about her, she has to be in the limelight when it comes to being the most victimised. She will remind you that she’s depressed and suicidal, so that her problems take precedence over yours.
A while ago she made a few comments about living closer to me or living with me when she’s older.. I was like “no I’m alright thanks!” 😆
Good for you for demanding respect and not allowing anyone to walk all over you. My mum never taught us to have respect or boundaries with each other because she didn’t want us to unify against her (I know that this is instinctual and not planned)
I worry about my eldest sister, she blocked me recently because she misinterpreted my message and thought I was trying to provoke her when I wasn’t.
She blocked me before I could explain. I hope she’s not becoming like my mum but I’ve noticed some similar traits.
My mom is empathic but was beaten down and oblivious as to why she was obliterated. I thought she would pay more attention to me if I was a variety of different of things—none of it was me—it was my father sucking the life out of her. I see it very clearly now and the impact has her health in horrible shape at a relatively young age. It’s quite a realization. I was useless to my children for a long time—quite similarly. No—there is less & less “give a damn” in me. I have had it up to my eyeballs dealing with personality disorders and/or twits. None.
Maybe your mother was co-dependent and therefore she wasn’t able to empower you because she couldn’t empower herself.
I used to think my mother was co-dependent but I’ve come to realise she’s a victim narc. I’ve spoken with my dad and I asked him how my mum behaved in her early 20’s and I found out that she’s always been like this. Even as a single person with no man to blame for anything, she’s the same.
I’m sick of the PD’s as well and whenever I feel a twinge of guilt for not wanting to be around them I suppress it fast.
She (my mother) is not normal that is for sure! My dad was a life sucking vortex. It makes me upset to think of the truth re, the matter. He was repulsive. This entire life of mine has been bananas and then some.
That’s understandable as to why it’s upsetting to think about.
I believe even for myself the pain is always going to be there, it will just become easier to cope with it.
It upsets me how fragmented my family is. I messaged my mums sister and brother over social media to ask them for my nan’s number and they ignore me
I’m amazed at my crazy narcissist grandfather on my mom’s side and my dad’s whack job mother on his side. It still amazes me that HG has all this people and their different flavors pegged. It is unbelievably flawless! We don’t even have to watch the news on Trump. He’s already said what his behavior will be!
Good advice!
I love your second paragraph, Witch!
My mother warned me.
I stayed away from the ones she warned me about. She did not warn me about the nerdy, victim, covert types.
My mother trusts no one, is suspicious of everyone. Yet, she is still confused about Narcx: “I don’t understand. He seemed like such a nice guy!”
My mum doesn’t trust anyone either and she’s suspicious of everyone, and I’ve come to know through this site that that is the paranoia of the narcissist. They always suspect that people are going to betray them and let them down.
My mum used to remind us continually that we have to have loyalty for her and we have to defend her if anyone says anything negative about her. She thinks that everyone talks about her.
How is she expecting me to defend her unconditionally when I know she’s crazy lol?
She’s asked me if I know someone that she knows and I’ve spoken about her to them because they are acting “funny” with her.
She’s JARRING!!!
When everyone stops speaking to her she’s going to end up as one of those irritating old people that argues with everyone on the bus.
Lorelei, as far as your girls, it’s tricky. You walk a fine line between helping and pushing away. I have one that attracts narcissist. The other two are in healthy relationships. You can guide them but once they reach the age where they can make their own decisions, it out of your hands. You will find the right opportunities to slip your knowledge in conversations. Once they get past the stage where they think you’re the dumbest person in the world, they’ll start coming to you for help. They’ll make the same mistakes we made but they have us to educate them when they are ready.
It sure is tricky Mercy! I remember one boyfriend in particular that everyone was like “Oh no!!” It pissed me off that they just didn’t get it! Everyone could see he was a wreck. I’m about functioning on half a brain myself some days.
Why is it, that if a stranger said these things, warned these things, we might be chilled to the bone, before dismissing, but if a friend said this, we would not only argue how wrong they are, but will eventually (and quickly) dismiss their observational concerns as well as the friendship because they had the audacity to voice them? Left damned if we didn’t and damned if we don’t; our emotional thinking disregarded even when we recognise the warnings we give ourselves, the one person we should trust and heed more than any other.
Brilliant article, HG; one of my favorites for so many reasons, even if it stings a little in the rereading.
Emotional thinking.
Thank you.