How The Narcissist Conquers Your Senses To Feed On You



I ensure that through my enthralling enchantment of you during seduction that I create tunnel vision for you. I am all that you see. Not only is it the case because I make it my mission to spend every moment I can with you, but I ensure that I am all that is seen in your mind’s eye as well. If I am not physically present with you then I will have done sufficient during the course of the day so far to have you thinking about me repeatedly. When will I call? That was such a delightful message that I sent earlier? Where will he take me tonight? He makes me so happy, I am so lucky. I will be the only person in your sights. You will allow friendships to fall by the wayside, not see family as often and even begin to neglect your interests possibly even work in order to see me. You want to look on me all the time because the love and radiance you see (which is actually just being mirrored back towards you) is so magnetic, so compelling and utterly addictive. You will stretch that lunch hour from work to spend longer over lunch with me. You will cancel that gym class tonight so you can see me rather than wait another day. You will cut short drinks with friends so you can get across to my house so you at least have part of the evening seeing me. All you will see is me and all you will see is how good, wonderful, amazing and brilliant I am as I carefully apply that rose-tinted filter across your eyes and you will not even notice.

Even when I have cast you aside or if you have been able to escape me, my construction of the ever presence will result in you seeing me everywhere around you. You see my ghost at the window, where I would stand looking at the view as I waited for you to get ready before going out. You see me lying on the bed, patting it and inviting you into it for another ecstatic session of love-making. You see me across from you at the dinner table, walking up the drive way and in that usual seat on the tube which is where we first met. You pick up a book and see me reading it, asking your thoughts about it. You pick up a jumper and it is blue, my favourite colour and you see me once again. I have infected anything and everything around you as I ensure that I am seen everywhere you look. Even closing your eyes is no escape, for then, perhaps more than anywhere else you still see my image pin-sharp and evident.

I make sure that I am the only voice that you hear. Not only do you feel that tingling sensation when I whisper in your ear, tell you rude things down the telephone or read that particular piece of poetry that you love – all acts designed to have you respond automatically to the sound of my voice – I am ensuring that I am blocking out the sounds from any competitors or detractors During seduction I only want you hearing my voice. This has two effects. Firstly, you are listening to my propaganda all of the time and with no dissenting voices able to get through to you, you accept what I say and do so quickly. Secondly, I am causing, through repeated reinforcement, you to become addicted to the sound of my voice. You will associate hearing me speak and especially saying your name with something that is wonderful and this increases the potency of your addiction to me.

I will use music specially to create so many links between you and I. Each special moment that we share should have its own particular soundtrack. The first meeting, the first time I gave you a lift in my car. The first time we made love, the first meal I cooked for you and the first you cooked for me. The time we sat and watched a storm together, holding hands. Music plays a huge part in assailing your sense of hearing and creating powerful connections between the beautiful things we once did together and certain pieces of music. We will ensure our relationship has catch phrases so that when you watch an advertisement you hear my voice saying the same sentence as I did when we were together. Every time there was a knock at the front door, I said the same thing and it made you laugh no matter how many times you had heard it. Now, when there is a knock, even though I have gone, you hear my voice. No matter how hard you try to evade hearing my voice or hearing the sounds that are inextricably linked to many moments in the relationship that we had, you will continue to be assailed by them even when I am no longer stood beside you or in a relationship with you.

I apply my scent, like some beast marking its territory, ensuring that during the seduction certain smells – my after shave, my anti-perspirant, my shower gel, the washing powder I use, the air freshener in my house are all direct links to me. The olfactory connection that I establish is a unique code between you and I. For each relationship I create a different set of fragrances so that there is not just one reminder of me but six. I smell so good and I reinforce this by allowing you to keep a shirt of mine imbued with my scent when I am away so that you can sniff it as you lie in bed. It seems such a delightful gesture of mine, so that you have something to remind you of me when I am on a business trip but I am creating your addiction through your sense of smell and paving the way for you to be unable to smell sandalwood in the future without thinking instantly of me. You will associate so many smells with me, from personal fragrances, to the smell of my house, the interior of my car, the meals we take together and so forth. It is all designed to ensure that you make the connection between the wonderful and that fragrance during the seduction so that you cannot do anything but remember those golden moments when you happen to smell a particular scent at a later stage. It is the most powerful evoker of memory.

I will use taste to create yet more fantastic bonds between us. I will encourage you to try different foods, different dishes at restaurants that you will enjoy. I will introduce a signature drink to you, something that you have not had before, so that you really enjoy it and immediately associate its tangy taste with me. You will recognise and become swept away by the taste of my kiss. A wonderful and mesmerising taste which sends you into sensory overload, making you tremble with anticipation. I ensure that certain tastes will be linked to those wonderful moments and memories. You are not that special however as these tasting techniques will have been used with others and will be used with others again.

Finally, you will crave my touch and want to touch me. The times you felt the stubble on my face with your hand, or against your cheek as I gently kissed you as you dozed. You delighted in the sensation of defined chest as your hand brushed across it. The times you would always allow your palm to stroke my newly shorn hair, the short and soft hairs gracing your hand. How you felt so safe when you felt my arms around you at night or when I took your hand in mine, telling you without saying anything that everything would be alright. How you now miss my expert ministrations as my tender fingers probed and caressed finding all the right places, creating another scintillating experience that now with my departure you still yearn for. The way I placed my hands on your shoulders when I arrived from work and approached you from behind, the reassurance, familiarity and strength flowing from me to you as sat down you tilted your head against my arm and my fingers began to massage your shoulders. The way I used to wipe the tears from your eyes with my mouth, the delicate application of my lips soothing and absorbing the source of your woe. The times I would tickle you until you could not breathe but the delight soared inside of you. How you now miss touching me and being touched by me.

I will always fill up your senses so I become your universe. I will always fill up your senses so that even through the numbness I leave you with, you crave seeing me, smelling me, hearing me, touching me and tasting me. I fill up your senses and then take it all away making you crave the return to such a degree that it is not a question of if, but when, I shall allow you to be filled up once again.

105 thoughts on “How The Narcissist Conquers Your Senses To Feed On You

  1. Kiki says:

    I used my ex N cologne that he left behind as bin refreshener

    1. PrincessSuperEmpath says:

      Kiki: That is so funny is so many ways. Hahahaha.

      1. Violetta says:

        Princess, you’re back! I was wondering where you’d gone.

    2. Violetta says:


    3. Violetta says:

      You could probably also use it for DIY PooPourri. There are recipes online.

  2. Cyn says:

    @Lorelei, OMG I said I hooked up with ‘something’ instead of someone! Maybe I am turning into my narc!!! I treated him like an appliance!

  3. Cyn says:

    @Lorelei yes the result was Complex PTSD. I was told EMDR wouldn’t help. Narc 2 broke me but I had it already from trauma throughout my life. I started Zero Impact again today and heard from HG what my therapist said a few days ago. The initial trauma and imprinting happened before the narc that got us here. For me it’s taken not only moving, no contact, but a leave of absence from work finally because I worked myself to nothing trying not to feel then I couldn’t; also medication, started running again instead of inside or gym; forcing myself out of the house after pretty much 9 months of isolation while my nervous system recovered. I’m still trying to figure myself out; my identity. Still deal with dissociation. Work in progress. Sometimes I feel free and happy. Then it gets dark. But with him in the end it was always dark. Now when I get triggered I just try to remember it will end.

  4. Mercy says:

    Is it weird that I could smell his cologne as I read this?

    1. Violetta says:

      Do you know what that cologne smells like? I was wondering. Read a description, but couldn’t imagine it

      1. Mercy says:

        Violetta, I think I just got caught up in what HG was writing and it triggered my senses. I could imagine the way it felt when his arms were around me and how he smelled when we were close like that. I remember how his house smelled. I remember every time I would walk in, it I’d take a deep breath because I loved the way his place smelled. He was meticulously clean and his place always smelled fresh with a hint of men’s cologne and shampoo and such.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          I could be mistaken, but I think V thought you could smell HG’s scent as you read it and was asking about Creed or Adventus or other scents he has mentioned that he uses.

          1. Mercy says:

            NarcAngel, I wish it was HGs cologne I was imagining haha. It’s enough that I can get lost in his words enough to trigger my senses though. Another one that I get lost in, is the article with the cherry tree blossoms when he’s on holiday with his family. I love the way that’s written.

            I was getting ready to type a response on your other post about potential. It’s so strange, I was feeling a little weepy this morning thinking about the past relationship and everything that was lost and I came to the same conclusion. Im not sad for the loss of the relationship, I’m sad because I believed in his potential. I agree when you say it is magical thinking that we can unlock the potential we see them. I also think in my case, the magical thinking that I could help him was my own selfish thinking that I could make him be what I wanted him to be.

          2. Violetta says:

            NA: you are not mistaken: I’ve never smelled Viking or Aventus, to my knowledge. Of course they probably smell somewhat different on different people; most scents do.

          3. Mercy says:

            Violetta, Viking sounds delicious. I’ve never smelled it so now I’m curious. You’re right about cologne smelling different from person to person. I’m in a perfume rut right now. Everything I buy doesn’t smell as good as it did in the store. It’s becoming an expensive rut

          4. NarcAngel says:

            I can’t even spell them never mind smell them.

          5. FYC says:

            Mercy and NA, Happy New Year to you both. Just a thought on potential. I think it may be illusion that precedes any notion of potential. Either the illusion presented by the N or the E’s illusion of a certain kind of relationship or both. If the illusion is pursued, only potential is seen because it serves the desire for the illusion to be true. Selective reasoning takes over and personal biases are served by seeing only those things that reinforce the illusion. When something contrary to the illusion crops up, it is either diminished in significance or excuses are made or false hope kicks in. After the relationship is over, the pain is equal to the degree to which an empath invested in the illusion. This is why it is important to see things exactly as they are revealed and to use LT and avoid ET.

            Mercy, you were not selfish, you simply pursued what you thought would bring happiness to you both. If you were selfish, you would have sought only those things that served your benefit, and I am pretty certain this was not your driving force. I hope you are no longer feeling sad today and instead filled with excitement for your next chapter. I believe it will be your best yet!

          6. Mercy says:

            FYC, Happy New Year to you too. Maybe selfish was the wrong word to use. I think that as empaths we get caught up in this notion that we want to fix people or this overwhelming desire to help. I do believe that our intentions are good. It’s as you say, we create an illusion and only see what reinforces that illusion. Our intentions may be good, but in reality we are dismissing what is real because it benefits us. Yes, selfish is a harsh word because it’s not intentional, but who are we to force something that can’t be simply because it’s what we think is best?

            I am feeling a little unraveled today. I wish I knew where these emotions came from.

          7. FYC says:

            I’m sorry to hear that, Mercy. You deserve much peace and joy instead (maybe some favorite upbeat tunes would change your frame of mind or a walk in nature?).

            I would say that when we ignore what is real it benefits only the false illusion, not us. The desire to help is okay to a point and is a natural result of empathy. It is when helping becomes a desire to control or change another that it crosses the line to unhealthy. I desire to help in things that matter to me, but I also bear in mind that sometimes, even well intended assistance, does not always help. I am also reminded of the butterfly. If you remove it from its cocoon early (do the work for it), it will not be able to fly–it needs the struggle involved in finding its own escape to build the strength it needs to gain flight. So do people. They learn best by doing and making their own choices. You are a smart, weaponized girl and you will make good choices. Trust that. Leave the past to the past. Your future is bright.

          8. Mercy says:

            Thank you FYC. I’m currently listening to zero impact again. Looks like I’ve violated fingers 4 and 5. I’m getting back on track though. Plus I’ve thought of a few more “yo momma” jokes for narccissuss on Wanted. That’s making me feel better haha. Take care, Happy New Year and thank you for your kind words.

          9. FYC says:

            Thank you, Mercy. Starting the year with Zero Impact is a great idea, I think I will listen again as well!

          10. NarcAngel says:

            If you’d get working on that pantry you wouldn’t have time for these moody thoughts!

            I’m sorry. I suck at comfort so I hoped you’d laugh.

          11. Mercy says:

            NarcAngel, I actually pulled up my floors last weekend. This is what happens when I’m moody. I need an intervention!

      2. Desirée says:

        HG currently wears Viking by Creed, which smells like a Fougère to me. It has a mint and bergamot opening, lavendel absolue and vetiver and the dry down is patchouli I think. It’s a really masculine and aromatic fragrance overall, I think it has slightly more complexity than Aventus which he said he wore previously in this article:
        Aventus is very popular and it amused me that the male version opens with pineapple because when HG was asked in a livestream what his favourite cocktail was he said it was Piña Colada.

        1. FYC says:

          Wait, you mean HG likes Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain? Hmmm…sounds vaguely familiar.

        2. Violetta says:

          “when HG was asked in a livestream what his favourite cocktail was he said it was Piña Colada.”

          Was he joking? There was this really annoying song that made it into Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs:

          I have, in my twenty years as a newspaper columnist, written about many vitally important issues—politics, the economy, foreign policy, mutant constipated worms, etc.—and none of these topics has ever stirred up so much passion in the readers as the issue of bad songs. People were stopping me on the street, grabbing me by the shirt, and, with cold fury in their eyes, saying things like: “You know that song about the piña coladas? I HATE THAT SONG! I HATE IT!!”

          1. Desirée says:

            yes I think he was joking, he strikes me more as the Dry Martini type. I dont remember which livestream it was but I’ll post it if I find it.

          2. Cyn says:

            @Violetta Omg I know and hate that song too. Even more than Celine Dion or the San Jose song! Thanks!

          3. Violetta says:

            Thanks, Desirée.

            FYC: Yeah, that’s the one.

        3. Mercy says:

          And now I can smell Pina Colada lotion as I’m looking at those tan legs and tangerine shorts. Thanks guys.

          1. Lorelei says:

            I doubt they are his legs. He wears Old Spice, has grey hair, pics of SM are his daughter, and the legs are the pool boy taking a poolside break!

  5. Lorelei says:

    Hi Cyn—exciting though—all
    Of what you write! A new career, you are brave as I would be anxious and you are looking forward to it!

    1. Cyn says:

      I am all about changing as much as possible. If I could leave the country I would.

      1. Lorelei says:

        A vacation is maybe due! Just travel—the US is a great place to stay!

        1. Cyn says:

          I’m in the US lol. I’m a single mom I can’t afford travel. I can only travel mentally lol!

          1. Lorelei says:

            I like the pacific coast a lot—I used to go alone Cyn. Travel locally to clear your mind! It’s close to mental travel! By the way—my aunt is in Sacramento and I’ll be a California girl again this year. I need to see her!

  6. Cyn says:

    It comes back even a year later. It’s almost as if after the ptsd stuff wears off the grief happens all over again. But you don’t go back, you know it’s like going back to a demon, to your death for 5 minutes of comfort; knowing there is punishment for escaping. Because the narc hates to lose the breakup and he did. But the ever presence created narc heroin. Looking forward to working again in new career. At least I know what it feels like when it fades again. At least I know reality now and the trick of ET.

    1. AnneB says:

      Cyn, I strongly relate to the feelings that come through in your comment.

      1. Cyn says:

        It’s incredibly painful and not fair at all. It’s like imprinting that happened. What’s really bad is that dating others triggers it too. You come to a point of just accepting I guess that there will just be a shadow there in your peripheral.

        1. AnneB says:

          acceptance and compassion for ourselves, when I achieve that in a real way the rest/the fact of what happened, the illusion, the horrible moments of his disdain, disgust, contempt, disregard will fall into perspective. Am near completing N Detect, consultations to help in New Year. You’re not alone Cyn. Nor me. hugs, warmth and understanding across the ether.

          1. Lorelei says:

            Anne—I think it will be an interesting year for us all, enjoy your day.

          2. Cyn says:

            You can do this. We all can. Knowledge, compassion, occasional HG bitch slaps, no contact, and stay connected here.

        2. Lorelei says:

          Cyn—I wonder if I’ll ever truly be able to date a normal person with no contempt. I’m almost venomous if there is one questionable glance. I swear it’s almost like post traumatic stress but I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t want to diminish what others that truly have PTSD have experienced so I hesitate using that term. It feels like a heightened sense though. My daughter said something rude that sounded like her dad yesterday and my first response (in my mind) had to be thrown out quickly before I regretted my actions. She nearly had my hand across her face. It would not have been acceptable and didn’t happen but that’s how furious I was.

          1. Alexcssmith2016 says:

            PTSD is not far off the mark, if you have a google of complex PTSD…

          2. Lorelei says:

            It’s really unpleasant. The mainstream treatment is the eye movement stuff which I hesitate to share opinions on here because if it has helped someone I don’t want to make them feel bad or start a debate on traditional treatments etc. Cyn seems to be recognizing there is an aftermath to this absolutely and I’m at least able to tell her it’s a shared phenomenon. At least with my work N there is no date Alexis! It’s just straight to the drawing board! Haha

          3. Lorelei says:

            Hi Alexis! Commenting here rather than on dick pics because it won’t let me reply there! I messaged WP—I’m sick of their dysfunction! I only did the empath detector because I thought I was a narcissist. That’s the funniest part. I still thought “you people” were really nice but that it was all a big mistake! I just didn’t understand the concept basically embraces a colorful emotional palette. Had no clue—thought it meant I had to be nice all of the time to be one. Still have minimal clue re, the breakdown. I did have an epiphany re, the contagion element. The being in tune to one’s surroundings.. It seems it may be (in my opinion) related to having been attentive to when the next shoe was going to drop. Maybe being cued into others feelings because it was survival focused to be hyper-alert growing up. Maybe a correlation.

          4. Cyn says:

            @Lorelei I think it is part of ptsd. Triggers. Completely understandable. I’ve been on a date or 2. Super guarded and figured one was a narc so cut him off. Cut others off before I saw them thinking they must be. Now I just assume that if I am attracted or they are then they must be a narc and I reject them. I did hook up with something despite feeling absolutely blank about it then discarded him as politely as possible. So I felt like a narc. In relation to dating; we might be doomed lol. Regarding CA, Sacramento is super hot. I’m about an hour north of SF in fire zone so I evacuate to SF. The beach here is my preferred spot but my narc moved there right on my beach then last year set up a volleyball thing so now I don’t lol.

          5. Lorelei says:

            I know I have some form of a dysfunctional stress response. We are really a mess but at least we are not alone in it! I am spending time with someone and it will never be a relationship and he still freaked me out suggesting anything beyond what it is. I’m disgusted by the thought of having an obligation of my time to someone. Even a nice person. I don’t want presents either. That makes me feel like I owe some form of my time. Ugh. I enjoy SF. May take the kids with me but it’s expensive to fly everyone and I just need a few days to visit. My aunt was my dad’s sister and he hated her. She is a wonderful person.

          6. Lorelei I know what you mean with WP. I didn’t receive a notification of your comment here it was literally that I happened to be online and scrolling through the comments.

            I know I miss loads of comments because of WP which is frustrating. When the blog first started I used to read them all. But I literally can’t keep up with it all now as much as I would love to.

            I think it’s pretty normal for us to believe we might be an N. I know I did. I wanted HG to be honest with me though and that if I was a mid, please tell me. As I just need to know, please don’t say to me, “You’re not an empath” I’ll accept it even if I don’t like it.

            Thank god I wasn’t one of those twats! i have lots of narcy traits and I know I manipulate too. But I don’t do it to the detriment of someone else, (well except Ns and they deserve it), I don’t gaslight and I would feel terrible if I made someone else feel bad. But post knowledge if it’s an N, I have zero empathy for them at all. It is just completely extinguished. I don’t hate them either. Just feel nothing whatsoever. I wonder if that is what an N feels like but to everyone. Completely unable to empathise with us there is just nothing there. It’s quite strange but I’ve got used to it now. I feel more protective of other empaths though so I guess it has balanced out, our emotions have to be targeted somewhere.

            If you hear back from WP, do let me know. I may not see your comment of course.

          7. Lorelei says:

            I’ve heard back from WP—I want to try their suggestions before I parrot potentially cumbersome info. I’m really really happy. I woke up to a formal acceptance email into the doctoral studies program at a respected university. Not sure why I got this on a Sunday but I’ll take it. I knew I had to be accepted based on my submissions (logically) and my GPA but to see it is another element of happy. What I didn’t fully expect though was that I start Jan 13. I was expecting a March cohort.. Anyway.. I guess I have some work to do this week starting tomorrow morning. I need something outside of the dreariness of narcissism.
            I didn’t realize you had been here from pretty far back Alexis. How did you end up here? I’m always curious how readers find the blog. I was directed by FB narcissist groups. I think HG posted a survey once asking, I’ll ask K to dig it up.
            I understand what you mean saying you didn’t want to be a mid. I really don’t want to be a twat either! I personally want to be a greater if I’m a narcissist and not a twat mid-ranger. I also don’t even want to be an empath because it’s akin to being fish food. I want to be normal. They have relatively few problems and the ones they have you rarely hear about.

          8. Lorelei says:

            You know what—that beautiful narcissist man has stubble today where he hasn’t shaved. Good god why can’t he be disgusting!
            I just walk away. Is that GOSO?

          9. alexissmith2016 says:

            He is disgusting Lorelei. He wears his beauty on the outside. Inside he’s a dribbling mess

          10. Lorelei says:

            I need the reminder Alexis. Actually he did converse with me later in the night and despite his education I walked away thinking “What a dumb ass.” It has to do with the mid range typical conversation nonsense that was unappealing. He didn’t score any points. I have moments of progress. Just moments.

          11. alexissmith2016 says:

            It’s early days for you Lorelei. Those moments of strength will become more frequent and you’ll grow stronger every single time. Well done! I stayed on here for a year or so because I needed to keep reminding myself. Now I never forget what they ( the Ns) are, the strength and knowledge is simply in my DNA. Now I stay because I find it interesting like a doctor practising medicine and I want to learn those extra little bits. Whether the N is Educated or not they’re all blinded by their N ness which makes them all twats, even greaters. I only exclude the Ultra from that last statement because we like him, only a teeny, teeny, teeny bit – but we do. Love you HG x x x

          12. Lorelei says:

            Alexis—it is interesting how smart someone can be and be blinded to this disorder. HG has said quite freely that a mid-range narcissist can be academically more intelligent but simply not have “this”
            awareness. I drank an entire bottle of wine by the fire last night and it was nice and I’ve no hangover. I rarely do that so it was deserved.
            I also have a new neighbor with three very hot Arabic accented sons that are all adults coming to check up on her. One ran over to me at the mailbox and was delightful. I may continue my multinational charitable kindness that I’ve embarked upon recently. I’ll make brownies for starters. Anyway, my best friend told me I can be a real bitch too (at work) so I should be fine in my new job tonight. It’s a wasps nest of mid range twats that have been horrible to a few colleagues in the past. It was almost a compliment that gave me joy. I just thought I was nice all the time but I guess not.

          13. alexissmith2016 says:

            Well I’m sure you are nice most of the time to people who are nice to you Lorelei and your claws only come out when necessary.

            Good luck with the new job, make sure you take a saucer of milk for catty colleagues to share…

          14. Lorelei says:

            Alexis—I bought HG’s work package awhile back out of interest and I’m so sick of the bullying of people at my work. I do not follow his advice with the women I know well. We have a group.. I have zero issue telling them off and protecting the new people. I am very cautious in a new environment though. I do have a mid range person in leadership—not the big boss. I do stay under her radar and follow advice given in the assist package. But with day to day people I have no problem confronting behavior because it’s impacting people I care about. I think knowing when to act is essential. I do have to work on being more helpful to the residents. I think I’m abrasive at times. It’s not intentional—they are needy.

          15. alexissmith2016 says:

            It’s interesting how we each approach bullies at work and I can honestly say I’ve never knowingly had a male narc bully boss. I’ve had male narc bosses by the truckloads but seem to be able to handle them okay. The bitchy female ones, I’m learning to treat them very differently indeed. Sometimes I’ll use a direct approach other times I’m more surreptitious. It depends on the person and environment. But I struggle to walk away from it whether that’s me or a fellow empath they’re targeting.

            Thank you so very much for giving me the addiction gift. It was a wonderful suprise which has literally made my day! Ah gosh, I feel overwhelmed by your generosity – you’re a beautiful person Lorelei, inside and out. Thank you

            I will savour listening to this with a mid-week gin this evening. I’m very much looking forward to it! 

            If I ever find a non-N somatic who is intelligent, kind and lots of fun I’ll be sure to share him with you, if you’d like…

            Alexis x

          16. Lorelei says:

            You are welcome. The females are the issue—men don’t cause problems like this more typically. I know—at times you can deal with it and others not. Women are dreadful.

          17. Lorelei says:

            By the way—I got an email from a total mid range female that thought taking a photo of an exploded soda in a freezer was news worthy to send to over 100 staff members. That is the shit mid rangers do. No one gives a shit. It’s a platform for her authority. A friend of mine (after seeing the email) sent me a text saying she needs the next pants size up anyway.. I guess empaths can be mean too! How dumb.

          18. WhoCares says:


            “I woke up to a formal acceptance email into the doctoral studies program at a respected university.”


          19. Lorelei says:

            Thanks Whocares! I did register yesterday. I was hoping to start teaching this fall (upcoming) but have to delay due to travel. I can only manage one course at a time this year.

          20. alexissmith2016 says:

            Congratulations Lorelei!!!! Wow!!! that is fantastic news!!! Bloody well done!!

            Only next week too – how exciting!

            I found the site through google. I was already a couple of years post knowledge and still had a thirst for more information. I need to understand everything in the minutest of detail lol and feel like I struck gold by finding HG’s site.

            I was IPSS to someone who treated more akin to how an N would treat an IPPS. I’m not sure I would have been clever enough to work it out had I been treated like an IPSS.

            After I’d recovered I was grateful to him. I’m no longer grateful as such as that is ET, I have no need to be ‘grateful’ to him. So I’m accepting of the series of events which allowed me to find this place.

            But yes, it caused me to recognise how some members of my family were also Ns as well as past IPs and friends. It’s helped me unbelievably to understand this.

            Good luck with your PhD, not that you need it at all. It is very clear that you are an incredibly smart woman Lorelei.

          21. Lorelei says:

            Thanks Alexis. The background is good to know. I like the fine detail as well—I also feel it is essential due to being so impacted by narcissism. I almost can’t afford to make too big of a mistake in a way. Or for long. (With people) I appreciate the comment you make about accepting the series of events which allowed you to find this place. It’s a simple way of looking at having been through something really unfortunate. Maybe I need to simplify if and just view it similarly because I am absolutely as emotional as a 2-year-old without a nap lately. I only share that because it was somewhat peaceful to just hear it said that accepting it is where you are. I am crying one minute (which I rarely tolerate tears)
            Snapping at the kids more than ideal while we were out of town.. (having the flu didn’t help) I am more or generally very well controlled than this typically. My anger is off the charts and it can’t sustain in this manner so I appreciate knowing how you view it a little more effectively. It’s breathtaking at times and frustrating absolutely. It’s irrefutable that my life is in an upswing but who knew this would be such a beast!

          22. Violetta says:

            Lorelei: Oh God, stubble! I am such an idiot for it.

          23. Lorelei says:

            Stubble is irresistible Violetta. It’s a weakness. Especially accompanied by cologne and and a crisp French blue shirt.

          24. Violetta says:

            Cologne and french blue shirts are a little too yuppie for me.
            Flannel and long hair, possibly in a ponytail. Undercut optional.
            I am so stuck in the ’90s. Where’s my brown lipstick?

          25. Lorelei says:

            My favorite lipstick shade currently is fashionista by Lorac. I want the French blue.

  7. MarriedOne says:


    My Narc doesn’t like to be touched, exception being during sex.
    Is that common amongst narcs ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is.

      1. MeAgain says:

        I thought as much. Why is that? I haven’t seen that particular topic discussed here , unless I missed it somewhere.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          See the article “Why the Narcissist Must Reject Intimacy” and also read the book “Sex”.

          1. MeAgain says:

            Thank you, HG . 😉

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You’re welcome

        2. Hope says:


          I also encourage you to read the mentioned work but I’d like to add my interpretation of what I’ve gathered from them as this topic is of great interest to me as well.

          From what I understand the narcissist only pretends to be intimate during golden periods and the like for a purpose but it’s all a show. A well-practiced act. It’s necessary that a narcissist does not grow attached to a fuel source or fall prey to ET add that would interfere with the fuel matrix mechanics. It’s necessary to remain emotionally detached in order to act on new opportunities in the way a football player lines up with his weight forward on his toes and even fingertips, never on his heels, in order to react and respond quickly to a changing environment.

          Do you know how your body reacts instinctively with disgust to something you perceive as harmful to you? Such as mold? Or something not harmful to most people but you had a bad history with? For example, if you were abused by your partner while eating a blueberry muffin you may find yourself repulsed by blueberry muffins in the future for no apparent reason. Narcissists are repulsed by intimacy because it’s harmful to them. If they were to be clouded with ET and lose control, they would regress into a state of great discomfort. Instinctively they know intimacy is not compatible with a “successful” lifestyle, from their world view and how they relate to it.

          Intimacy is still a tool, so while it’s distasteful, it has a purpose for them for you to believe it exists. They endure the motions as long as it seems the best tool for the job.

          Another curious thing. ET is sometimes viewed as positive by those who are prone to it, almost virtuous, and self-service as negative but they are two extremes of the same coin. Both are harmful when too far out of balance. Too much ET and “self-sacrifice” is not beneficial to anyone. He demonstrates this in a few of the other articles including “The Three That Got Away.” My takeaway from this is that self-awareness should be taken into consideration from time to time in order to prevent self-destruction. Don’t ever expect anyone else to care more about you than you do. If you don’t take care of yourself never expect someone else will. If you don’t care about yourself, no one else will care about you either, at least not to the degree that you can care about you. You can’t help anyone until you first, and always, take care of yourself. Humility is a virtue, not degradation. Not careless abandon. Discipline is an act of self-love. Discipline your ET when its in your best interest to.


          1. HG Tudor says:

            Wise words, Hope.

          2. MeAgain says:


            Thank you for your explanation . I am more prone to ET that is off the charts. I do need to take better care of myself, I know my narc doesn’t care about my well being.
            No matter how many times I read all the explanations, it’s still so difficult to wrap my head around. I can’t believe this is the reality of who I married.

    2. Violetta says:

      According to Sitting Target, HG has a cousin who’s so grossed out by sex, the few occasions he’s managed to have it, he’s puked afterwards.

      I suppose it’s lucky for his otherwise unfortunate partners he hasn’t puked during.

      1. BL says:

        😯 Violetta! Well, I WAS feeling bad for myself that my narc doesn’t want to have sex with me. Now I feel bad for him for enduring it.

        1. Violetta says:

          Don’t feel bad for him. You didn’t force him to fuck people just so he can fuck them over.

  8. Hope says:

    So. True. !!!

  9. Violetta says:

    BTW, I just listened to “Did the Narcissist Mean Anything He Said?” Fake his way through the Philharmonic just to get my fuel, will he? I swear the next time I test a guy on my music, we’ll be listening to Happy Flowers’ “Mom, I Gave the Cat Some Acid.” Let’s see him fake his way through that.

    1. Hhahaha oh god! that’s hilarious!

      1. Violetta says:

        Happy Flowers’ cover of “Old McDonald’s Farm” is also pretty good, especially if you listen to the end.

        I swear I’m going to be Narc Repellent for the new year.

    2. Cyn says:

      HG managed Christina Aguilera!

      1. Violetta says:

        Because he knows what emotion his prey expects from his response.
        A Greater like HG could probably pull off a “Happy Flowers” fake, especially if he saw it as a challenge, but a mid-ranger couldn’t, and would likely think it too much trouble, because any woman that weird wouldn’t impress his friends.

  10. Violetta says:

    “The times you felt the stubble on my face with your hand, or against your cheek as I gently kissed you as you dozed.”


    1. BL says:

      Haha Violetta, I got distracted by the tender fingers probing and caressing. 😯

    2. Notme! says:

      Oooooh I do like to feel a stubbly chin on my skin too

    3. Lorelei says:

      Fortunately my ex was/is such a disgusting prick I have not one fond longing. I think I needed someone that deplorable to make me get it. Not one kind gesture makes me reminisce—he nauseates me to my core.

  11. BL says:

    Forgive me if this has been asked before, but has anyone successfully escaped you?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They have escaped. It was not successful for them.

      1. Notme! says:

        How do you know?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          As FYC points out, read The 3 That Got Away, Notme!

      2. FYC says:

        BL, purchase “The Three that Got Away” from HG, it is very low cost and you will not be disappointed. A great deal of information and insight therein lies.

        1. BL says:

          I’m intrigued! Will do, thanks!

          1. FYC says:

            My pleasure. Fair warning: It will affect you, but it is really a very important read for many reasons.

          2. Violetta says:

            FYC: that’s my current experience with Sitting Target, which I got myself for Christmas. It is not comfortable reading but it is strangely comforting reading: I’m not imagining things, and I’m not alone. Best of all, I don’t have to change who I am: just what I do.

          3. FYC says:

            Well said, Violetta.

          4. BL says:

            FYC – it’s not on amazon. Do you know if it’s a paper book or electronic and what format?

  12. cogra002 says:

    There it is, Narc-Heroin 101

    1. Lorelei says:

      Sadly I didn’t even adore him to this extent! It was like I picked out what seemed to be a boring “safe bet” family guy and ended up with a sadistic bully. For fuck’s sake anyway.

      1. BL says:

        There’s no such thing as a safe bet, so you may as well go all in! I went bad boy; same end result, but more fun along the way!

        1. Lorelei says:

          I’m sorry BL but not one day was fun.

  13. empoweredempath says:

    Yes. It was 2018 that I made my distress public to a certain covertly evil neighbour of mine. A ver grave mistake on my part. What followed was to be expected as they used this information against me. A decent human being, such as myself, would never do something to someone that I ((( know))) will hurt them or cause distress. This person was disgusting enough to calculate when it was the most vulnerable time for me, then pounce on me, indirectly or directly. You end up feeling their spite all across your energy system, which weakens you. Then that emotional vampire, draws fuel and gets high off of your hurt; feeling superior and what not. I am sharing my experience with anyone who has been going through this. Yes, you can suffer a nervous collaspe from narcissitic abuse. I have! But things changed drastically for me at the turing of 2019. I’ve got a lot of help from the author Gary Zukav. January of 2019, the vamp narc did someting really awful, as to be expected. See, once you fuel a narc you will be forever apart of their fuel dynamic. They will always come back with methods of provocation to trigger you and get more fuel. So, on that day in January of 2019 I wanted so badly to tell this son of a bitch to go ***uck themselves. I was that heated meanwhile being abused and treated like a property for fuel. I, instead, pretended as if I did not hear anthing, and I went about my day. The energy changed and I felt a tad taller. I know this twisted human desire my hate, scron, upset, anger and my emotions deliverred to them on a silver platter but that day they got none. I discern the shame they felt. As if they got the msg, go to the corner and cry, you loser :D… This is what Mr. Zukav describes as “authentic power”…Your post above is accurate. I found myself in a power struggle with someone incapable of true human decency + wired for negativity and drama, and it was time for me to take my power back. By completely removing my energy from a power struggle with the narc; obtaining authentic power; creating my own experience on how my day must be spent… and not letting the nasty actions of another person stop me from having a good day. Authentic Power! Should we try to reach out and change what we believe is wrong about someone, and have them change into our world view of what is right. How could we not be manipulative ourselves? You won’t believe it, but no response has not stop the narc from trying to draw negative fuel from me. THAT’S JUST HOW THEY ARE! I cringe sometimes with pity for them when I am in my yard, doing what ever, and they are literally begging for attention and fuel… I sometime smile to myself at how far I have come… Authentic power + love + intuition+good intentions will frustrate any evil entity that’s around you. I imagine my narc to be like a fish out of water at this stage. I say my narc, because, as I’ve stated above. As long as you provide a narc with fuel, you make them exist… Then, until you die or they die… you will always be in an “imaginary” dance with them! + It will be wise if you suspect someone is a narcissist, to keep your distress from them.
    You have been an instrument of awareness, Mr. Tudor. Does what I am saying makes any sense? I konw its not suitable to the article above but I did not want to go back to an older post from you, One that has to do with fuel. Some of the phrases I use, I got them from studying your work.

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