Why Is The Narcissist Always In My Head?


“He is always on my mind.”

“Try as I might I just cannot get him out of my head.”

“I can’t stop thinking about him.”

I am sure such comments or similar have been made by you at some point about the narcissist in your life. We have this formidable capability to get into your head and remain there for a long time which evokes bittersweet reactions from you at best and utter miserable frustration at worst. I have written about ever presence previously, namely that ability we have to ensure that you keep thinking about us, even when you have been pushed to one side or if you have sought to go no contact. This insidious form of manipulation is pervasive and very difficult to deal with, but how is it so effective?

Like much of our effectiveness it actually comes down to you. As an empathic individual you are much more susceptible to our method of remaining in your mind which is achieved by encoding. Since you care about others and take an interest in the thoughts, actions and well-being of other people, you have been wired to take on board stimuli from other people in a far more effective manner than others. Take my kind for example. We are so focussed on ourselves and what we need that we are not wired to be especially encoded by what others do. Our minds are nearly impervious to the actions of others. It is as if they are so full of what we do and what we want that there is no room for anything or anyone else. You on the other hand are like a sponge and you soak up the words and actions of others. Combine your susceptibility with our determined application of suggestion through what we say to you and what we do for you then the outcome is a devastating form of encoding which creates powerful and near indelible memories in your mind.

Through our visual encoding of your mind, you create a vivid mental picture and this will be recalled in pin-sharp crikey vision time after time. Every detail of a particular scene will be recalled by you and it is ingrained in your mind deeply through this encoding. The more you recall it, the more it becomes ingrained as if you are wearing a groove in a piece of wood. We make particular use of music (think how often your narcissist used certain tunes to woo you and/or create  special moment) to achieve acoustic encoding. Our voice is used in this way as well by the careful selection of key phrases which will resonate with you. You always remember the things that we say because we have encoded them into your mind. Similar encoding occurs in respect of taste and scents as well as tactile encoding. Accordingly this quintet of senses is assailed by all the things that we say and do in order to achieve this encoding. We create powerful memories so that you have no option other than to recall them and with that comes the emotional attachment. You will remember so much of what you have done with us compared to say what you have done with family, friends and colleagues. You will recall more memories, in greater detail and more often when they involved us because of this deliberate encoding.

You might think this was enough in terms of the efficacy of this method of affecting you, but it does not end there. Most narcissists are male and thus it follows that the majority of victims are female. In general terms, women remember events better than men (men have better spatial memories) and therefore you are genetically pre-disposed to remember all those occasions and dates you spent with us in such detail. Females remember pleasant memories in better detail than men, thus this is a further reinforcement of why you can summon up such powerful memories of the golden period and why it hurts you so much. Conversely, in general terms, men remember unpleasant events better than women who tend to recall them in a ‘blurred’ manner. This is why despite the abuse you have suffered the golden period memories tend to triumph. It is not the case with everyone, admittedly, but generally this holds good. Add to this the fact that women’s memories retain more of their potency through the advancement of age than men and you will see why your memories of us are so difficult to shake. Not only do we specifically encode your minds, which are primed to accept this more than other people, your gender also makes you more susceptible to retaining these detailed and vivid memories of the when everything felt wonderful.

These memories are deeply ingrained and very hard to dismiss and remove, even with professional help. Combine this efficacy with the fact we leave you exhausted and broken, it is little wonder you cannot shift us from your minds. Everyone knows how difficult it is to think straight when you are tired. Little wonder then that we always loom large in your mind when you have been exhausted and shattered by our behaviour.

These memories of the golden period are massively powerful and all of the above means that for someone like you, you will often think of them and suffer the emotion that is linked to them .It is a devastating weapon in our armour. Pretty memorable eh?

20 thoughts on “Why Is The Narcissist Always In My Head?

  1. Whitney says:

    HG 💙 worse than my memory is my imagination. I fantasize about a person they could never be. It’s fiction created in my mind. I imagine him with his primary source, loving her every day. I attribute so much depth to these people that is born from my own love.

    Seeing one photo is bad. I remember the photo and create such a story about who he is, or who his other supply are.

    I don’t think logically HG. I think in a daydream.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Then I will shatter the daydream for you when we consult.

      1. Whitney says:

        Thank you so much HG. Consulting with you is the best thing I’ve ever done. It’s a huge relief when you shatter my daydreams. I wish I consulted with you more during bad times. But even just 1 hour here and there altered the course of my life.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Good to read.

  2. Twilight says:

    Hello HG, I am back, not that I was truly gone .

    I ran into Jon just before the ball dropped NYE, we haven’t been that close in 5 years…..he leaned in and whispered in my ear the fire has returned to your eyes, smiled that devilish smile of his and walked away

    I don’t believe he learned or he believes he understands me enough now to manipulate me, either way I am not looking for a fight, I am thou prepared…..flow like water using his energy against him.

    HG I am sure you understand my meaning, I want to be left in the peace I have created in my life now…..if he comes I will not hesitate to drive that knife through his heart first till he understands I hold the key to what he fears the most.

    Three Greaters in my life have taught me many things, it was you thou HG that put the final puzzle piece in place and taught me how to use what I do to heal as a weapon against your kind. For that I am grateful

    I hope to speak soon with you, our talks have always been insightful.

  3. Me says:

    Haven’t been here for a long time since he was not in my mind for over one year. Oh so quiet and I’m back to normal. He occupied my mind for three years, came back twice since I left the doors open and was still in the emotional sea. I read an article today and just remembered the horrible years he took from me…
    So to all of you still suffering I do promise it will pass. And yes he did it again and it gets worse.. like a textbook narcissist.
    Now my life is back to even better than before I meet him since I now appreciate life more. He almost killed me (silent treatments, lies, infidelity and took my money, my belongings etc.
    many horrible dark years until I was totally free. He… ha ha on to his sixth relationship but don’t seem to find peace.. go figure. He is trapped with three teenagers alone (not my kids .. wanted to be a good ex step mom but couldn’t.. would have killed me).
    So read here, sign up for mentoring by someone who knows.

    Again.. today I’m happy, rich with friends and have a good life again. I can travel, shop, eat out again. I’m ok .. so will you be.. promise. ❤️❤️ Thanks HG you are awesome.

    1. AnneB says:

      Thank you, your words are good to read for me right now,, Me!

  4. CandaceMarie says:

    There are songs that if I hear them on the radio I will immediately change stations. They are songs my ex sent me via Facebook messenger when we were in our long distance relationship. He was always sending me romantic songs and poems. Once we moved in together I can only remember one time he actually turned on a love song for me. It was only after I basically begged him to do so. After that he told me he had no way of playing songs for me. That was his excuse. Nevermind the fact he would blast songs he liked from his computer speakers from time to time.
    Also, I found his love letters and cards he mailed to me. I threw them out!

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Good for you for ditching those cards and letters. It’s hard to do but necessary.

  5. Cyn says:

    This is the hardest part. One of the issues with mine is that not only was he my regular romantic partner, he was also my Dom of 4 years and that was the hook (one of many) used to hoover me back a couple times. Some of you may judge this type of relationship as one that abusive, but it if it’s with healthy adults it is not. Those of you who understand the depth of this dynamic know it also has a deeper level of intimacy, trust, and a deeper level of imprinting and in some ways; brainwashing. I made my final escape one year ago, changed pretty much everything about my life including my location which he doesn’t know after much stalking in my previous location. I blocked every mode of communication but for one email address due to a financial obligation we have together. Any email hoovers by him have been met by silence and I rarely check it. Any communication required about that loan have been simply a few sentences about terms, polite, and bait ignored. Until recently there wasn’t much emotional impact I just remained silent. Maybe I was still numb. The most recent attempt was of course on the anniversary of our split and was full force, it of course began with all the sweetness he could muster and testimonials about how he could never replace me and was alone all day and night still and how precious we were together. I made the mistake of of engaging, though coldly, and very simply, for the first time in a year. I addressed in simple terms his pattern, his mask, the void, and that he did not miss me, just my emotional energy feeding his facade and that it must be terrifying in those moments he realizes he is not full, it’s not working so well, especially as he is again (he is 65). I also mentioned the mask. Again I rejected him. I kept it matter of fact. No emotion conveyed. I conveyed to him that he is a narcissist but I did not use the word. I then watched the pattern in his reply, no accountability, he said he would not give up and I had had enough time to think about it (I left), that he had given me everything, planned his days around me (wrong, the only thing he planned around my day was his cheating, I planned around him), invested in my world, paid for this and that (wrong), was basically stepping forward to claim his property (while devaluing someone else in the wings). I spent the last week again back in grief, back in all the memories of the years of good things. Despite all the horrible truths and abuse of when we together; despite what I found out after leaving, criminal psychopath things; despite knowing that going back one more time could literally mean the end of me, especially since now I had been wounding him for a year. Knowing all this I still had him in my head and craved him. Then I looked at that email and saw again the pattern, I saw the absolute rewriting of history that HG tells about, the way he thinks, the complete lack of accountability, lack of remorse, the contempt he actually stated because I was not cooperating in accordance with his plans. I remembered how far I had come and clarity happened again. I remembered what his scapegoated daughter told me her mother said in the midst of his 20 year reign over her until her death which quite possibly was at his hands (he told he would kill her and no one would find her body, she had cancer so no autopsy, he had tried to strangle her before and beaten her), she said ” I feel like an object, I am not even a trophy to him, just an object.” She didn’t get away. I did. I am staying away. I also remembered that one of things that ruins the empath is the need for the last word, one of my biggest faults. But the scariest part is wondering if that programming will always be there, no matter where I am. The smell, the pictures in my head, the sounds, words.

  6. N/a says:

    Now, as a civilian, do you think this guy will continue to murder civilians? Is there no way to truly have justice? Should we be concerned?


  7. cogra002 says:

    I feel like the lovebombing via messanger was particularly insidious. You had the ding and the chathead burned into your mind 50 times a day.
    I remember during lovebombing that when I’d try to sleep I’d still see that chat head when I closed my eyes.
    It’s similar to the Pavlovs Dogs conditioning. Ding and u answer automatically in a zombielike state. And get a hit of Narc heroin at every ding. Bad stuff

    1. Cyn says:

      I have since blocked him from that final email route. I guess if he gets angrier and wants to change the loan the bank can contact me.

    2. Argb says:


      And get a hit of narc heroin….i love the visual this phrase produces. Its extremely helpful to view the ex (narc or not) in this way to be able to keep away from the crazy and insane that he produces for/to me.

    3. MommyPino says:

      I had a narc send me text messages around 2-4 am every day. He texted me little poems which now I think were probably just word salad. He told me that someday he will explain them to me. I had my phone under my pillow and I started to wake up around that time everyday to wait for the vibration of my phone and then I felt relief or happiness when I got them. Total mental conditioning like you said. It was horrible when he stopped doing it.

  8. FoolMe1Time says:

    HG what is the difference between encoding on some one and imprinting on someone, or are the basically the same thing?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is essentially the same thing, FM1T.

      1. FoolMe1Time says:

        So it is something that basically can never be reversed?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Correct. You have to deal with it. You cannot remove it. It is a part of what you are.

          1. FoolMe1Time says:

            Thank you HG. I have found a way to deal with it.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.