But Why Did the Narcissist Do That?


I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.

“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”

I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.

Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?

This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.

You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,

“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”

It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-

  • You must know what has happened and make sense of it
  • You want to make things right
  • You want the wonderful golden period again


All of this keeps you right besides us. Guess what? We dole out even more awful behaviour and it still does not make sense and you still do not go. We give you a glimpse of the golden period and your confusion increases. He does still love me I knew it. Then the door is slammed shut and you are left confused yet again but even worse this time, the brief return to the golden period has given you additional hope. You still do not go.
For once, rather than looking at it through your own eyes, consider it from our point of view. The devaluation does not come out of nowhere. It does to you but not to us. It happens because you are not giving us our fuel in the strength, quantity and frequency we demand. That is the logic behind our change in behaviour.
Why is it then that we are able to hurt you when we love you so much? Again, look at it through our eyes and the answer is straight forward. We never loved you. Accordingly, we are not affected by what appears (in your world) to be a hurtful and contradictory shift in our behaviour. Let me help you further. To us you are just an appliance. Initially because this appliance does what we want we look after it. We clean it, maintain it and take pride in it. Then it goes wrong. It is too much effort to try and repair it. We are horrible to you in order to make you work in a different way rather than trying to repair you to run as normal. Remember how people would slap the side of their television to make it work or give the washing machine a kick in the hope of causing it to run properly? You are just the same. You are an appliance and we give you a boot be it figurative or literal to make you provide us with fuel of a negative nature. We eventually get fed up that you are not working as we want you to so we chuck you on the scrap heap like so many discarded fridges, computers and washing machines. We have seen a new, shiny model which has attracted our attention instead.
So when you sit and wonder why this devaluation has happened, why our behaviour makes no sense and how can it be that someone who expresses such perfect love can be so hurtful, you know the answer. It makes no sense in your world but every sense in our world where you are just an appliance. Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?


11 thoughts on “But Why Did the Narcissist Do That?

  1. Cloudy says:


    I will buy a first aid kit for my narc!

    Lots of bandages in the kits.


  2. Misti M casinger says:

    Can I have information on sleep rape? I cant call it “rape” because I liked it. He told me sometimes hes just horny at night and I told him to wake me up anytime. Only ever did it twice.. but is there something behind that? In my case it cant be rape though. But I’d like more information.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If he woke you up and you consented to sexual intercourse, you were neither asleep nor raped.

      If you were asleep and he penetrated you, you did not (and could not) provide consent and you were raped.

      1. honestyrocks777 says:

        🙁 ok. You say that if he woke me up I was not asleep. And if i consented it was not rape…agreed..

        however, I consented before it ever happened. i told him in previous discussions that I wouldnt mind if I woke up to that..meaning if I woke up to him penetrating me I would like it. (I must be sick?)

        He said he did this with his ex wife.
        I woke up during the act one time and the second time he was on top still trying to penetrate and then I woke up.

        This may be silly.. but why sleep rape? Is it simply for control?. What is going through his mind?

        How can it be satisfactory in the element of control if I already consented months before and told him prior that he could do it?
        Wouldnt that mean “I” had the control by giving consent long before he did it?

        I’ve read that cerebral narcissists dont care for sex and he seemed very sexual. Why is that?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          1. I suspect this raises an interesting legal argument albeit this is not the occasion for it.
          2. Your consent is irrelevant to him. You belong to him. He would do what he wanted regardless of your consent. Your consent merely gave control to him in THAT moment you said “I agree”. When the sleep rape occurred, your consent was irrelevant owing to his lack of emotional empathy, lack of accountability and sense of entitlement. If you woke and protested (challenge fuel), he may have raised the consent AT THAT POINT to counter your challenge or not bothered to do so (it depends on how his narcissism chooses to deal with your challenge, it may have meant he just carried on and ignored you in order to quash your challenge.)
          3. You never have control. You may threaten it, but you never obtain it.

          1. honestyrocks777 says:

            There have been times where because of my convictions to faith I have asked that we not do anythiing… but we DO end up doing them because I am not strong enough to say no. I get tempted too easily. He has apologized after the fact if i felt like he disrespected me.

            I need to ask, although this didnt occur much, maybe once, he would tell me he isnt feeling into it and I would respect it. But we’ve had discussions about me being a tease. I have been. I used to find all my value in sex. I didnt know how to be loved. (I guess I still dont for it to be healthy) and I used to think if someone wanted me physically then they must love me. So even if we were trying to take a break I would find myself being flirtatious and trying to gain validation that he still wants me. It scared me if he didnt want me. I’m so sensitive. Am I controlling in that sense? I wonder if that was me seeking attention.

            It’s one reason why I wanted to see if we had a connection apart from sex. I’m so scared I’m a narcissist too.

  3. Violetta says:

    Scary article in DM about the daughter of a women who had Ted Bundy living with her for years. So help me, the mother let him move back in when he was on bail, AFTER she revealed she had turned him in! He referred to her as his fiancee (Future Faking).

    One of his letters from prison ran, ‘In this life we are fortunate to find one person to love and love completely. I am lucky because I love you in that way.’ Whoa, SOUL MATES!

    Since she had long brown hair like most of his victims, I wondered why he hadn’t killed her too. (According to one of the comments, he tried at least once.)

    Another comment used the phrase “red flags,” apparently wondering how the mother missed them. What’s really scary is how recently nobody really knew what to look for. The consensus was that Bundy got away with it for so long because he faked normal so well.

  4. Esther says:

    Perfect explanation for someone who is new to narcissism and is trying to make sense of their failed relationship! Very good! Thank you! I love it! ❣️
    This quote is funny when I think of my experience with the machines lol but sad when We are just a machine to a narc: “ Remember how people would slap the side of their television to make it work or give the washing machine a kick in the hope of causing it to run properly? You are just the same.” I believe the main reason it is hard to let go after the devaluation has begun is because of this: “ You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence.”- making sense of the situation and not being able to make things add up was a big one for me…

  5. Chihuahuamum says:

    I had something like this happen the other day. I wouldnt say devaluation but a shock thats left me unsure. The one hand im deeply concerned the other hand im cautious and dont trust. What if its a tactic of some sort of a leadup to something bigger. I have to go on the side of concern bc if its true id never forgive myself. It came from way left field. Narcissists hold their cards very close so its hard to know what holds truth and what is a strategic move.

  6. Betty frazier says:

    Oh but Baby, it makes total sense. A narcissist cannot love. He is too wounded to ever let that happen. He just wants his empath on the radar screen. Not too close, not too distant.

    Probably all narcs are addicted to power and control, and mine is addicted to sex, so there are many other women. But hardly what any of you offer the women is love. These women who would be with a married man have likely all been abused and the N just abused them again and mine does not even realize. He thinks he really loves this current one.

    She is a counselor and sociopath and she knows the game well. So why is she in the game? Big $$$.

    And what he gets out of it is she plays up to him so well. His mother was mentally ill and he wants me to be his sick one so bad. I have laughingly said I have hidden the electric cattle prod so he won’t do his own electric shock treatments on me.

    She can tell him I am borderline because I put my left shoe on first. And then if I followed with my right shoe I am definitely MPD. These labels have literally been placed on me and he has tried to convince our counselor.

    Right now he gets too many goodies out of being with me because of our adult children and our church. He would suffer a great loss in both areas.

    1. honestyrocks777 says:

      What is MPD please?

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