Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don´t


Society and people need rules. The requirement for regulation looms large in everyone’s life. Pay your taxes, don’t park in that place, don’t drop litter, say please and thank you and so on. From laws to rules to codes of conduct, through to convention to procedures to etiquette we are bound up in rules wherever we go and whatever we do. People grumble and complain about them but ultimately they prefer the world to have these rules. People like to know where they stand. You know what you can and cannot do. You may not agree with it, but you at least have some certainty. Those that found themselves in the horror of concentration camps complained that there was never any certainty to the day. You could be subjected to punishment for walking too slowly one day and too fast the next. It was random and awful, yet such a system is horrendously effective at undermining someone’s will and paradoxically causing them to try harder in order to avoid a sanction.
Our behaviour is much the same. There is no rhyme or logic to it. Last week I said I liked sugar in my tea and this week I do not. I deny that I said I liked sugar in my tea and moreover this triviality causes me to erupt in rage when you put sugar in my drink this week. You are confused and anxious by this random control that I exert over you. It is all intentional. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we cannot recall what we said or did the previous day, that we are somehow blind to our previous likes and dislikes as if affected by some form of amnesia. This disorientating tactic is deliberate. You may as well ascribe outcomes to the numbers two through to twelve and roll two dice. That gives you just as good a chance of determining how I will behave. One week I sleep with the bedroom window open, the next it must be closed. Yesterday I want silence in the kitchen in the morning, today I want the radio on. Each day you are put on parade and then awaiting the inevitable criticism as I will find some fault in order to control you, demean you and provoke a reaction. I am like an insane regimental sergeant major who deems the buttons on your uniform to not shine enough despite the hours you spent polishing each one. Like his parade ground bark, I will unleash my haphazard criticism of you with a barrage of abuse, raising my voice and making you wince with each syllable. We understand the effect of repeatedly being shouted at and it causes you to submit to our demands Invariably I will see what you are doing and pick the opposite as being what I want. I am a natural contrarian. All of this is done to maintain your heightened sense of anxiety, forcing you to second guess and thus become conditioned to our will. Periodically we will approve of what you have done and your sense of relief is so overwhelming you receive a natural high. This in turn causes you to want to repeat it and therefore each and every day you are walking on those eggshells as you try to please us and avoid our erratic and groundless rage. There is no system you can depend on, no method of working out what is safe to do and what should be avoided, yet still you will try. As ever, you want to make matters right and keep the peace.

14 thoughts on “Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don´t

  1. angelangie35 says:

    Whether it’s intentional or instinctual, you were still bitten by the shark, absolutely and entirely apt. Trying to hope to find and accomplish and achieve a different and better outcome with regards to narcissists will and cannot work in any give situation or set of circumstances, if you don’t know what an individual is trying to seek/achieve thus far, you are deeper into the illusory manipulative clouds so to speak, at this juncture.Your sympathy and compassion will be used against you, and this is an understandable mistake albeit dangerous one to make with regards to narcissism. Everything is predetermined and calculated to reel you back in and secure you,whether it’s your sympathy, your need to heal, your pity , your changed perspective I. e. ” maybe, it was because I couldn’t see what he was going through internally, he is tormented by his own demons, and he is a lost soul, with my appropriate concerned, caring, and loving ministrations and a different approach, we will have peace and harmony, and it will be worked out once more , and be good again. ” sounds eerily familiar does it? See Sins of the empath: positivity article. It doesn’t matter whether the person fully intended the outcome or the narcissism intended and dictated it, you’re treading through cataclysmic and shifting, shaking, and tumultuous sands and waters, don’t go near the narcissists firing lines, abusive ammunitions, tanks of terrors, torpedoes of misery, billious bullets, miserable hand grenades, burning lasers of hurt, etc. The only way to stop your hand burning and the entirety of your being, is to get it away from the fire 🔥and stop playing with the matches. Obey the first ☝golden rule of freedom, as HG says, once you know you go. GOSO. No purpose in understanding a person who has no purpose for you other than to destroy and crush you.

  2. NarcAngel says:

    In your response to Lisk you say:

    “Everything is intended by the narcissism. Greater are aware of our narcissism, therefore we are aware of its intention and embrace that. Mid and Lesser are unaware of their narcissism, they do not consciously intend the outcome, although their narcissism intends it.”

    I think this can be confusing because it appears to separate the person from their narcissism, and isn’t that what leads to some empaths returning/continuing? That in separating the person from their actions (narcissism) they continue to excuse the behaviours and focus on the fact that it’s “not their fault” and continue on accepting the abuse while trying to achieve a different outcome? It seems a dangerous “hope” that could be used to feed the addiction. This is after awareness of course.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It may because the victim is ignoring the first golden rule of freedom, which is once you know, you go.

      To understand the narcissistic dynamic, it is accurate to explain it as per what I explained in your quote. This should be read alongside obeying the first golden rule of freedom.

      Ultimately, whether the shark fully intended to bite you or just did so out of instinctive response, you were still bitten by a shark. Stay away from the shark and you will not be bitten, whether it is intentional or instinctive. Remember, the only way you can stop the shark from biting you is to be nowhere near the shark. The only way to stop the narcissist abusing you, is to be nowhere near the narcissist.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        That’s very true. It’s on us to avoid the shark no matter it’s intention. We would not swim in shark infested waters and this is no different. They can and will bite eventually. Thank you.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are most welcome, NA.

  3. kel says:

    People say we’re living in a more narcissistic society these days. It’s the popular thing, it shows strength. It harbors on healthy narcissism, but leans over a boundary line that’s farther away from empathy. It plays with distorting the truth, misinterpreting, and in focusing on oneself as being the shining center of everything. It flirts with narcissism, but it isn’t void of empathy.

    It seems like in this world you are either a narcissist or a non narcissist, a vegetarian or a meat eater, predator or prey. But sometimes things are one thing but dabble in another. Some people call themselves vegetarians, but eat fish and eggs, even dairy, while others are strictly plant based. In the animal kingdom, prey are often grass eaters, but sometimes vegetarian animals can have a taste for meat too, as deer will actually eat fish or dead rabbits, and even cows have been seen eating baby chicks. Surprise!

    There are some who question if they are empaths leaning towards narcissist, or are they normals leaning towards narcissist. The sheer fact the thought would ever enter their mind is proof they don’t have NPD, and plus they do have empathy. In this narcissistic society today, it seems you are either a narcissist, a non narcissist, or a narcissistic.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Or more accurately, narcissist, narcissistic, normal, empathic, empath.

      1. kel says:

        Interesting HG! Empathic too?!

  4. Pingback: Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don´t ⋆ NarcTopia
  5. lisk says:

    HG, you say here that, “It is all intentional.”

    Does this go only for Greaters or for all narcissists (even though they know not what they are)?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Everything is intended by the narcissism. Greater are aware of our narcissism, therefore we are aware of its intention and embrace that. Mid and Lesser are unaware of their narcissism, they do not consciously intend the outcome, although their narcissism intends it.

      1. lisk says:

        I appreciate the distinction, even if a little difficult to get my head around. Merci, HG.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

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