No Good Advice
Relationship advice. The internet is awash with it. Sites, blogs, question and answer sessions, videos on YouTube there is a plethora of advice about how to deal with the problems which arise in intimate relationships.
I decided recently to have a good look through many of these sites and gather together the common complaints which people raise when they submit their issues. There are plenty of submissions, thousands upon thousands of people complaining about the issues in their relationships. Oddly enough, I noticed a common thread with many of these complaints where people had written in to seek advice or explained their circumstances. Time and time again I the following:-
“Everything was wonderful to begin with, he swept me off my feet.”
“She made me feel like a king and it was just what I needed after how horrible my marriage had been.”
“I was taken aback by how loving he was, but it felt so good to be treated that way after everything that I had been through.”
“He told me how he had been hurt before and didn’t want to go through that again.”
“His ex-wife was horrible to him and he had been hurt but wanted to ensure everything was right between us.”
“Everything was marvellous for a few months and then he changed.”
“I didn’t know him anymore.”
“He started controlling me.”
“She told me who I could see.”
“He started to isolate me from family and friends.”
“He would flirt with other women.”
“She spent all of her time on the internet doing Lord knows what.”
“He never listens to me.”
“He became abusive.”
“The sex was amazing at first but then it just stopped.”
“He was so loving and attentive in bed but then he started suggesting threesomes and kinky stuff which I didn’t like.”
“He started to make decisions for me.”
“She would lose her temper over the smallest thing.”
“He would disappear for days on end and I was sick with worry.”
“He would not speak to me for several days even though I had done nothing wrong.”
“He started hitting me. He said sorry afterwards and seemed remorseful for what he had done, blaming it on seeing his dad beat him mum when he was young.”
“He doesn’t like anything I do any more, he puts me down.”
“Its like living with Jekyll and Hyde.”
“He just never contacted me again. I still don’t know what has happened.”
“He told me he couldn’t be with me anymore as he needed time to himself and then two days later I see him post about a new girlfriend on social media.”
“He was unfaithful to me repeatedly.”
“I still miss her after everything she has done.”
“I am financially ruined, stressed but I still love him.”
“Why can’t it be like it was in the beginning?”
“I want him back.”
I should imagine that all of you will be nodding at these comments for two reasons. First of all, you remember saying them yourself or something similar. Secondly, you now realise what was actually behind these behaviours. People like me.
Over and over again I saw questions and tales which all had the common theme of ‘Brilliant start, he became someone else, dumped me, I was heartbroken.’ Hundreds upon hundreds of these stories, these tales of misery and woe. A litany of despondency and confusion that has been piled up in the inboxes of the relationship advisors and gurus. I scrolled through them all, reading the replies, the advice and the suggestions. I read the analysis, I digested the observations and spent some considerable time doing so. What did I see?
Not one person raised the possibility that the person seeking advice had become involved with a narcissist. Not one.
Many of these blogs and relationship advice sites were clearly popular. Some were established names, linked to lifestyle magazines and newspapers. Many directed you to their services for counselling and relationship tool kits. Many of them trotted out similar comments and platitudes. Too often they read like the first world tribulations of a scene from Sex and the City rather than the abusive, destructive and harmful actions of dangerous narcissists.
Yet not one of them raised the suggestion that a narcissist was involved.
Now, naturally it is not the case that behind every relationship woe there is a narcissist but I know that those of you reading this, with the benefit of the enlightenment you have achieved knows that there is a good chance that problems of this nature as described repeatedly in the problems pages of these sites are something to do with people like my kind. Yet nobody was offering this as a possibility. That shows the scale of how easy it is for us to do what we do and pass undetected. It shows the staggering lack of knowledge about what we do say, think and do and the naivety of so many people, including those who apparently understand relationship dynamics.
Instead, I saw standard and repeated responses such as:-
“He is clearly a commitment phobe.”
No, he doesn’t want to spend time with you because he is devaluing you and is actually seducing someone else at the current time.
“You have outgrown each other.”
No, you never grew together to begin with because it was all predicated on an illusion and his lack of interest now is symptomatic of his interest being elsewhere.
“He may just be tired or stressed from working hard to support you and your children.”
Yes or he might be a narcissist who uses his rage to intimidate and control you.
“You may have unrealistic expectations about the relationship.”
Damn right you do and we all know why that has happened don’t we?
“You need him to take responsibility for his actions. He cannot keep blaming you for everything.”
Good luck with that one.
“He just might not be into you.”
Half-right I suppose, he just isn’t in to you fuel anymore, he is in to somebody else’s.
“He might be bored with life and not you. Try harder to interest him.”
Again, good luck with that one.
“Relationships require hard work. Don’t give up. Keep working at it and you can overcome the problems together.”
You have just been told to sign your own death warrant there.
“Some people have anger issues but that can managed with understanding and therapy.”
Or they have fury which ignites at the slightest provocation and always will.
“Being hurt is an inevitable part of a relationship.”
It is if you get ensnared by my kind.
I am not suggesting that every problem in a relationship is as a consequence of the other party being a narcissist, that is unrealistic. However, the number of times I read about what was clearly the narcissistic dynamic of seduction, devaluation and discard was significant. The monumental amount of times that I recognised narcissistic manipulations – rage attacks, silent treatments, triangulation, intimidation, bullying, gas lighting and so forth – in so many posts did not surprised me but they were not picked up on. Many times these manipulations were not isolated events. There were repeated occasions and also differing types of the manipulations which when combined and repeated point in one direction.
The advice and platitudes that were provided to people who were clearly, not just possibly, but clearly entangled with a narcissist, were way off the mark. The descriptions and answers I have listed above were the ones which were provided to people and at best this would mean the person would remain clueless and stuck with no appropriate solution and at worst they were providing advice which would harm the individual who had sought the advice.
I was not surprised by this erroneous advice. I was not amazed by this omission of our kind from the explanations. I was not taken aback by the scale of people complaining about what was clearly narcissistic abuse but not being told as such.
This is why we are able to do what we do.
This is why we are able to move amongst people, ensnare fresh victims and maintain our veneer of respectability.
This is why what we do is passed off as something else. Euphemised, diluted, lessened and made to seem like a standard relationship hiccup.
This is why ignorance is so harmful.
This is why we remain so effective.
This is why we remain so dangerous.
23 thoughts on “No Good Advice”
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Thank you for being so honest..I’ve really enjoyed reading your posts and luckily my therapist was able to identify rather quickly what my now ex fiance is(narcissistic sociopath) and even though we’ve been engaged for well over a year (together for 3.5) I decided not to go forth with the wedding. I wouldve been wife #5. I’m currently still living with him but planning my move soon(without him knowing).
It’s been a nightmare these last 3 years. You H.G., have honestly been a Godsend so thanks again
You are welcome. I also removed your surname from your post given the fact that you are still living with the relevant individual. Keep reading here and organise to consult in order to GOSO.
I’ve wasted so much time and energy on these sites you talk about. Even therapists have largely been unhelpful. Reading your blog, buying your books and logic bulletins have helped clear the clutter of bad and dangerous advice I’ve tried to follow. It’s because I’m arming myself with the knowledge you’ve given us that I can finally stop trying to make the relationship work and prevent myself spending years with another narcissist in the future.
Well stated.
HG, Thank you for you Integrity and Humbleness in ‘Telling it Like It Is’!
I would like to add – the professed Spiritual Gurus to the mix of manipulators to keep their audience ‘ignorant’.
You are welcome.
I agree. There is a huge amount of rubbish and misleading dangerous advice out there. Many people do not realise this and it is necessary for readers to ensure these people are shown the correct and accurate information.
HG you are so so Insightful, knowledgeable and provide such clear direction on narcissism. This is by far the best site I’ve found- so much information. I’m slowly reading EVERYTHING!
I know from the bio you are in therapy but may I please ask how did ‘they’ get you to go, or force you into it. How did you end up In therapy?
Trying to get my Narc into it- He’s lying straight to my face & A couple of us who cares about him knows he is this, but he doesn’t know we know.
I have explained on multiple occasions that there’s some childhood incident that made him this way- this crazed, awful under pressure, abusive and with no moral compass/ direction. I have explained that his behaviour is not his fault and he seems keen on that idea….(because he does not need at take responsibility obviously) How can I get him to go? He’s smart, very intelligent but he doesn’t know that I /we know.
How come you went? How did you go into therapy? Thank you.
Hello Hope and welcome to the blog. Thank you for your compliments.
Do not bother getting your narcissist to go into therapy, it is pointless. My family think they forced me to go into therapy, I let them think that. It suits my purposes. Listen to the Knowing HG series (use the search bar to find out more or obtain here https://narcsite.com/the-knowledge-vault/ and you will understand more of my actions and reasoning behind going into therapy and letting my family think they forced me to.
HG is our only hope people! One of my empaths has recently started councelling and the N-word is not being used even though her mother, father, sister and two brothers are all narcissists.
Hi, Mr. Tudor. In my country, a woman has been captured for almost 12 years by a guy who is clearly abusive. Can you, please, talk about that? https://cronica.uno/yo-soy-morella-leon-lopez/?fbclid=IwAR1WKgNcICb9pK7AS83qlPtWPAL6-wEnLfyJCtOMZpjXBDF5Eym3RnkXQyc
Hello Iota18, I am not proficient at reading Spanish so that presents me with a difficulty in writing about this situation.
It takes such a rare intelligent therapist …to know and one who truly has an interests in real narcissistic personalities, and I believe it to be a rare person who is able to help.
The last therapist I saw told me he himself had strong narcissistic traits. He was the only therapist who ever said, “It seems like your ex is a narcissist.”
I found HG within a day or two of that session.
I went to a therapist I felt comfortable with… for years . I told myself I needed a professional opinion about certain happenings in my life . Sometimes just talking helped . And …so many books I was told I should read . I did .
Hg …do any therapist recommend your books ?
The blame wasn’t put on me verbally by the therapist. But my life is my responsibility …I thought , and still do. But the money I paid and gladly paid , for years is gone . Isn’t money the main goal of many psychologist ….keep me coming, keep me paying. I don’t trust any of them anymore. It seems she just wanted a client hooked on her (their) caring attitude and a client who is dependent on them for help. That’s my personal opinion and I have evidence to back that up. Thank you again for your inexpensive to the point advice and …books so the public has your resourceful, logical help that they can read over and over tell it sinks in …and books to use as reference for important situations.
Yes, a number do and they also refer people to me for consultation.
So good HG – I wish someone would have mentioned narcissist about my husband before I put myself through the living hell of marriage counseling with him. Big mistake.
I also tried marriage counseling and by the end of the first session none of my issues were talked about because the therapist was trying to find the lost little boy inside of him. He took up the entire time and then decided he didn’t need anymore therapy. Another therapist told me to be more understanding about my husbands addiction and that I should take up a hobby, like reading, to pass the time when my husband disappeared on one of his drug binges.
guera714
Your comment is a good example of the Twin Lines of Defence being deployed. He manipulated the therapist by taking control of the whole session while you were denied a voice. Lines One and Two were deployed.
He got fuel, control and then he asserted superiority by declaring he didn’t need anymore therapy!
Many therapists do more damage than good and I am truly sorry that you experienced that rigmarole and I am happy that you have found your way here.
You should consider target practice to pass away the time.
https://narcsite.com/2017/07/23/the-narcissists-twin-lines-of-defence/
I don’t think I read that one yet.
Thank you for including the link (as you always do), K!
K is freakin’ amazing. I have encountered very few students like K. They are a privilege to have in your class (unless you’re Dolores Umbridge).
Thank you Violetta
Hahahaha…when the teacher was nice, class time was usually fun and engaging, not so much when the teacher was a bully (a nun).
My pleasure lisk!
Enjoy the reading; the Tudor Library is vast!
guera714
By placing the responsibility of the relationship onto you, the other therapist displayed more empathy towards your husband’s addiction than you and your feelings.
It’s projection (blame shifting), by proxy (through the therapist). Manipulation at its finest; getting the therapist on his side.