The Narcissist’s Twin Lines of Defence

THE NARCISSIST'STWIN LINESOF DEFENCE

In order to understand your narcissist opponent (and let’s not avoid recognising the fact that we regard you as our opponent) it is essential that you realise that we adopt two lines of defence. It is imperative that our kingdom remains intact, that our rule over you is not impeded, hindered or diminished in anyway. This means that we must always have control. By maintaining control, we are assured of achieving the provision of  The Prime Aims so we gain fuel (most importantly) , character traits and the residual benefits.

Imagine, if you will, a motor vehicle. This motor vehicle has a computer which controls the suspension of the vehicle, This computer makes thousands of calculations and adjustments every second so that the suspension alters to take into account holes in the road, rocks, rises, dips and any deviation. The consequence of these frequent and instantaneous adjustments is that the car itself never lurches, dips, rolls, leans or deviates. You could balance a glass of water on the dashboard and it would never spill. The car remains still and steady.

We are similar. We must always maintain control. We have to have control over our environment so that we know there will be no loss of fuel, no reduction in the elements of the construct, no destruction of our empire and the descent into oblivion. To ensure this control, just like ensuring the motor vehicle remains steady, we have to make repeated and frequent adjustments to cater for the vagaries of the environment. We must tackle the challenges, maintain the loyalty, head off the insurrection, put down the rebellions, stifle the dissent, maintain the discipline and whatever changes, alterations and differences occur, control must be maintained. It does not matter if our behaviour, when viewed from your perspective, is inconsistent, illogical, hypocritical, contradictory, abusive, absurd and so forth, so long as the control is maintained. That is what matters above all else. By keeping control, we gain what we need and we continue to exist as we require.

Any challenge to this control requires a defensive response from us and this comes in two distinct forms. We have a twin defence mechanism. The first line is Denial. The second line is Distract and Deflect.

Dealing with Denial. If you challenge us in some way, which therefore threatens our control, then our immediate response will be one of denial. Your challenge may be one which wounds us (therefore you can expect a response by way of ignited fury which encompasses the denial) or more likely, you will be providing us with Challenge Fuel. Thus, you will not be wounding us, you will be giving us fuel, but we not only want to provoke you into giving us more fuel but we also have to assert control and assert our superiority and denial achieves both.

Take such an exchange for example, V is the accusing victim and N is the denying narcissist.

V – “I saw you in a bar this evening, Lorenzo’s, and you were with another woman.”

N – “No, I wasn’t.”

V- “Yes you were, I saw you.”

N- “You could not have done, I was at work, I had a meeting run on, there was a new client and he needed the team and I to sort quite a few problems out for him.”

V – “Stop lying, I saw you with my own eyes.”

N- “Well you need new glasses because it was not me, you think you saw.”

V- “It was. I know what you look like for God’s sake. You were holding hands with a slim woman with long brown hair and she had a green blouse on.”

N – “It wasn’t me.”

V- “It was, stop lying. Just admit it, will you?”

N- “It was not me.”

V- “I saw you, I saw you with her.”

N- “You couldn’t have done. Like I said, I have been in work until now, Ring Tom, go on, he will confirm that I have.”

The narcissist maintains the denial. Challenge Fuel is being received as the victim is either frustrated, angry, hurt or upset. The words used, the tone, the facial expression and the body language all contribute to the provision of fuel. If the victim is the Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) then the fuel will be of a high potency. The quantity of fuel delivered is so far low since the discussion has only lasted a minute or so, but the frequency is constant for that minute. The narcissist will continue to deny in order to maintain control and assert his superiority for the purposes of ‘putting down’ this challenge. If the victim keeps asserting the allegation, the narcissist will continue with the denial until the victim gives up with the assertion. The narcissist has fuel and has maintained (or regained) superiority.

Sometimes the first line of defence is all that is needed to maintain the defence of the narcissist’s realm. However, if the narcissist senses that the victim believes that they are gaining the upper hand and thus has in effect broken through the first line of defence of Denial, then the narcissist will move to deploy the second line of defence which is that of Distraction and Deflection.

This second line is vast, extensive and draws on a myriad of narcissistic manipulations. Some of them are subtle and insidious, others are blatant and rudimentary. Nevertheless, they fall under the banner of Distraction and Deflection.

Returning to the example above, the increasingly exasperated victim decides to play the ace card and produces a mobile ‘phone which contains footage of the narcissist with the mystery lady, holding hands and sharing a kiss. The victim plays the footage and the narcissist watches.

The Denial could be maintained and in some instances this does happen. For instance the narcissist will state

“That’s not me, that is someone else.”

however, the narcissist will observe that the victim is displaying the signs of gaining the upper hand. The words used, tone and expression will alter to denote that the victim believes that she has now won the argument and therefore the repeated denial is not going to enable the narcissist to maintain superiority. Yes, he may continue to draw fuel from the victim if the victim continues to respond in an exasperated or incredulous manner, but the superiority has to be achieved also.

Accordingly this is where the second line of defence is activated.

The Lesser may just grab the mobile phone and smash it. This is Deflection and Distraction. Admittedly, it will not win any awards for ingenuity but this is what such an action achieves on the part of the narcissist:-

  1. The evidence that supports the victim’s challenge to the narcissist’s superiority has gone. In the compartmentalised world of the narcissist if it is not there it does not exist AND moreover it NEVER existed, accordingly

V- “You smashed it because you know I am right.”

N- “About what?”

V- “You kissing that woman.”

N- “What woman?”

v – “The one on the video.”

N – “What video?”

V- “The one I just showed you.”

N- “No you didn’t.”

Note how the first line of the defence has been resurrected. The destruction of physical property (a manipulation, albeit a base one) was deployed as a Deflection and Distraction and then the narcissist, feeling that the challenge has been addressed, deals with the follow-up challenge from the victim by reverting to the first line again and thus engages in Denial.

Returning to what this act achieves for the narcissist

2. The response of the victim to this manipulation will provide fuel;

3. Superiority is maintained through this act.

How might the Mid-Range Narcissist respond to this escalation on the part of the victim? Denial only worked so far, thus the second line of defence is deployed.

N – “What the hell do you think you are playing at?”

V – “What do you mean?”

N- “Spying on me.”

V – “What? I’m not, I am showing you what you have done.”

N- “Yes you are, I am sick of you trying to control me, spying on me like this. And I am not the only one, John said to me only last week he thinks you are very controlling.”

V- “John thinks that? How do you work that one out?”

N- “Oh he is not the only one a few of my friends think it.”

The victim then gets sucked into justifying her own behaviour, trying to defend herself against the imaginary control she apparently exerts over the narcissist. The narcissist has deployed Blame-Shifting, Triangulation and Smearing as part of the second line of defence and it has worked. Fuel is being provided and the initial allegation about cheating has been left by the way side.

The Mid-Ranger could have Distracted and Deflected by walking off and engaging in a silent treatment (absent or present) or accusing the victim of having an affair (Blame Shifting, Labelling, Projection) and therefore all manner of different manipulations can form part of this second line of defence.

How about the Greater, how might he have responded to the production of this video evidence?

He may have adopted the approach of denial to begin with, however, there is a significant chance that the Greater will have either seen what the Victim had been doing, been tipped off by someone as to what the Victim has done or ascertained from the Victim’s demeanour that there is a potential ace to be produced. Accordingly, the Greater would have not bothered with Denial to begin with. His entire confidence in the efficacy of the second line of defence to this challenge means he can dispense with the first line. Thus, the conversation may have proceeded in this manner :-

V – “I saw you in a bar this evening, Lorenzo’s, and you were with another woman.”

N – “Did you, why didn’t you come in and say hello. I was going to call you. That is Jennifer, old friend of mine.”

V- “Oh, I see, you didn’t say you were meeting her.”

N – “Did I not, I think you will find that I did. I told you a week ago about catching up with her, I haven’t seen her in ages. You have met her before, do you remember? It was when we were at the box at the racing, for Ladies’ Day last summer. You had that delightful dress on, you know, the striking green one.”

Away goes the Greater and embarks on a monologue, drawing up details from the past (real or invented), showering compliments and distracting the victim from the thrust of their complaint. In effect the Greater may deploy a Word Salad to Deflect and Distract and thus gain fuel and maintain superiority. The Greater has a vast array of potential ways of deploying the second line of the defence. For instance he might say :-

“Oh that woman, she is obsessed with me. There’s nothing to worry about. Yes she kissed me, rather presumptuous of her but can you see how I broke it off. I didn’t want her causing a scene, she’s a bit of a looney, but you’ve nothing to worry about there. You aren’t going to let someone like her come between you and me are you?” (Blame Shifting, Smearing, Triangulation, Charm)

OR

“I kissed her, so what. If you kissed me more often, this would not happen. You might want to take notice and up your game or you will lose me.” (Threat, Blame-Shifting, Triangulation)

OR

“It really is nothing, she was just being rather zealous. You know people throw themselves at me, it is you that I want. Why else am I here with you and nobody else? Now, let me feel what a real kiss feels like, hmmm?” (Flattery, Charm, Triangulation)

OR

“I was recruiting her for that threesome you said you wanted, you do remember agreeing to that don’t you? Admittedly, you were a little tipsy but you did say you wanted to do it. She will be calling me at 9 o’clock, to come round, but I wanted you to myself of course before she joins us.” (Triangulation, Gas Lighting)

The Greater will invariably rely on his charm and self-confidence to assert superiority and head off the challenge, possibly switching to the issue of threats if required. Either way, the fuel is obtained and the Deflection and Distraction line of defence remains intact and superiority is maintained and thus control with it.

Denial is the first port of call for us to maintain control (though less so with the Greater) and then the range of manipulations from Gas Lighting, Threat, Word Salad, Silent Treatment, Bullying, Intimidation, Labelling and Triangulation and more besides form part of the second line of defence. We will embed Split Thinking, Volte Face, Hypocrisy, Contradiction within this second line in order to maintain control and keep control on an even keel. Such is the breadth and depth of this second line, you will not breach it and we will keep going until you are forced into a retreat, we are fuelled and we maintain that control that is paramount to us. This is why we do as we do.

 

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49 thoughts on “The Narcissist’s Twin Lines of Defence”

  1. Hi again, HG..
    So I read your article about the narcissist’s twin lines of defense.. Thank you so much for sharing this information.. It is very beneficial for me to somewhat anticipate what I’m up against in this situation.. In my specific case of dealing with my daughter’s father, he definitely had no choice but to go to the second line of defense: there was no denying what he had done.. I stood in front of this woman’s car and would not leave until he got out and took his bag of clothes and other items he had in my house.. He tried to distract and deflect by calmly saying, “This is why…”, but there was never a follow-up to that phrase.. I also provided no fuel during this encounter.. I was calm and just handed him his things and told him I know this female is pregnant.. See, I have known my upper mid-ranger for 11+ years.. I have seen him transition over the years into this incredibly passive-aggressive, manipulative “charmer”.. And it just keeps getting “worse”.. However, throughout the years, I have had the pleasure of getting him to open up to me and receiving information from him about how he views the world and the people within it, namely his family and females.. More than likely, he lied to me when discussing things pertaining me.. He always idealized me in his words and made me feel as if I was on an untouchable level, only where he and I resided.. He called all other females “stupid”.. (that’s his most profane term to use to describe the people beneath him).. He and I share the thinking, analytical personality trait and readily neglect emotional outbursts and responses when we both know it would be best to approach a situation in a logical fashion.. But more recently, he has glared at me in envy during our night long discussions of ourselves as individuals.. He has even stated, “That’s not fair.. You can do this AND you can do that” (in reference to me being able to care and love someone deeply, being able to empathize, but to also turn off my emotional side and use facts, evidence, and logic to support my explanation of why I no longer care for a person in an emotional way).. Within the past 2 months, he has called me a psychopath.. (such an insult, lol..) But also, in this past month (actually the past 2 weeks), I have been hoovered BIG TIME.. He arrived at my doorstep in the middle of the night with a lot of his clothes packed in a duffel bag, stating he was ready to come home to me.. That all other females did not matter to him anymore.. He told me all the things I wanted to hear as far as the ideal relationship I hoped for us to have.. (bear in mind I had recently let him in on these things a couple weeks beforehand).. It was as if he received the info I gave him, spiced it up a little, and fed it right back to me, in a loving, concerned tone.. I let him in and we “lived together” for just shy of two weeks.. And then I caught him with this female and found out she had been telling him she was pregnant.. So this exposure encounter is more than just him being caught in the act, for I have not contacted him since.. I am 7 full days in No Contact.. This was my escape.. Before this female ever appeared in the picture, I told him if he ever got another female pregnant, it would be over between us as two human people communicating with each other.. And he knows that because he brought it up back in July: he said he knows I would never speak to him again.. So again, HG.. What do you think? Considering how long I’ve known this upper mid-ranger; how I was just hoovered by him recently; the fact that we have a child together; the fact that I caused narcissistic injury by catching him in the act; the fact that I have not contacted him since, when previously he was conditioned to me sending him lengthy emails about things that had happened, my feelings about it, but the fact that I still loved him.. What do you think he believes just happened? Do you think he believes he is enacting his second line of defense and doesn’t realize I just escaped?

  2. Twilight,

    I couldn’t respond directly to your comment. Thank you for sharing the meaning of your name. Very connected to nature as well. Like Windstorm…and mine the midnight sky. Interesting, we all are of the sky. Hmmmm.

    You feel places too. It comforts me to hear this, it has been something that I have had to manage. I first learned of this ability when I left my hometown and visited places with dark histories (Nagasaki, war sites, Salem, etc) versus places with less tragedy. I feel it. But, I do wonder, how much is in my cognitive understanding of the history too. Still, I do feel it. I used to try to totally discount it. Now, I listen to my gut more. Particularly about people. You are correct, energy does not lie.

    I will look into this spiritual system you speak of, the Heyoka. I love learning about all kinds of spiritual and energy teachings.

    Warm and positive vibes to you 🙂
    Indy (in her indigo blanket with moon beams, smiling).

  3. Windstorm,

    That is weird about the mention of the blanket and at the same time I make a comment on cloaks! And…HG wrote about a cloak as well.

    LOL

    Blankie time! Goes well with the stories 😉
    We just need cookies now!

    The visualization of the cloak I speak of I use for protection.

  4. Never mind, Twilight. I read all the posts; he is the husband that died and you would tell people that it was the best thing that ever happened to you. That “nest” thing they did was terrible and you had 3 small children to take of…plus you had to deal with that cheater! It is so heartbreaking…I am so sorry.

    1. theletterafterj

      Thank you, it was a long time ago. My life has brought me to this point, it has had its challenges yet I wouldn’t understand many things if I had not gone through it.

  5. My husband

    I left my children only one time for him to watch while I ran errands. I had a “feeling” to go back home about a half hour later. I pull up and my children are outside in the front yard, no husband (they were 3,4,5) I get out they are happy to see me and I them, we go to the door and it is locked. I unlock the door and walk in the kids run into the living room I hear a noise upstairs and I start up the stairs I know what I heard. Half way up the stairs out walks him and a young lady from his job. He tried to convince me he was only showing her my aquarium and the beautiful fish I had. I said “right you were showing her the fish, more like you were showing yourself “see food”.” Then I asked why the children were locked outside, he stormed out of the house.
    I was packing cloths for myself and my children when his Aunt came to speak to me.
    By time everything was said and done 4 of his family members had visited to speak with me, I was an unfit mother that just left her children outside alone and a jealous wife that didn’t treat her husband with respect.
    I felt like a ping pong ball by the end, exhausted and emotionally numb. The next day I made plans on escaping 4 years later and at the point my dream was to come true a “friend” found out what I was actually doing behind everyone’s back. A week later they did something that figuratively (at the time) and later did cause my death.

    One day in the life with a lessor and his family.

    1. Twilight
      That was truly horrible! It is terrible you had to endure that! I know how having several small children like that ties your hands and limits your options. I had a 3 that close, too. (Hugs) ❤️

      1. Windstorm2
        Thank you, it was a long time ago. I was very young.

        Hugs 🤗

    2. Oh Twilight, I’m sorry. Makes me so angry that they could rally around an abusive person like that and not support you. That horrible friend too! its hard escaping with kids.

      I had to disappear from my entire life to escape my adult son’s father, a lesser somatic. It’s near impossible without some sort of help (my parents helped with my escape when I was 19 and my son was 3 months old) and I only had one child. I can’t imagine if I had more. I then disappeared from that small town 4 years later as he stalked me all the time. Rarely visited his son. Not one friend was told. I was sad but grateful that I was able to get out. I’m thankful everyday that I never married him. So many are trapped. So many loose their lives. If you are comfortable, how did you escape? If you are not comfortable answering, I totally understand.
      You are a strong woman! So glad to have met you here.
      Hugssss

      1. Indy

        I didn’t.
        I had a consult with HG, when I told him of my situation he called them a nest.
        They did something to establish control over me.
        At the moment I can not go into details of what they did.

      2. Oh Twilight,
        I’m so sorry and I understand. I’m glad you are able to be here.

        Sending you my thoughts and wishes for your eventual safety.

        Indy

      3. Indy

        There has been a misunderstanding and it is my fault I wasn’t clear. I am so sorry!!
        My husband is dead, I am not in that situation now. That particular incident happened when I was almost 22.
        When I get home I will tell you my story, if you are still interested. I respect you Indy or I wouldn’t be willing to share it.
        Lol I do need to be rid of the spiders webs I seem to have fallen into. Woods and learning I have some serious ninja skills 😂

      4. Twilight
        I’m interested in hearing your story also. It’s good for you to be able to share with people who care and are interested and it helps us better understand one another.

      5. Hi Twilight,
        Sorry maybe I totally misread.
        Oh, I am glad you are no longer with him. I’m sorry, it sounds you are going through some other things though.

        Only share if you wish, though I am here to listen if you would like to share. I respect your privacy too.

        Best to you Twilight and hope your day is going well!
        Hugs
        Indy

      6. Hi Indy

        Thank you, I am, it has to do with something I have hoped and believed in for as long as I can remember and it is playing havoc with my emotions. It was unexpected and caught me off guard.
        No one can help with it, and would think I was off my rocker if I spoke about it. Acceptance of what things are and letting them go is my only choice.
        I miss my mentor they saw the world the same way I do, they died when I was 13.

        Do you know what it is like to walk into a room full of people as “see” them as they are not as they show?

        I do hope your day is marvelous Indy!!

        Hugs

      7. Twilight
        I know you werent talking to me, but you touched my heart. We seem to share many connections – not just narc related, and have talked about feeling energy and being extra sensitive. I certainly know what it’s like to both be afraid to tell what I think and how I feel for fear of being considered crazy, and also know very well what it’s like to be in a roomful of people and sense how they really feel – not how they pretend to feel. Sometimes I wonder if that sensitivity is a part of my fears of social situations.

        Don’t talk about it if you are not ready. Sometimes it really helps to share, but sometimes not. Sometimes we need to keep things inside for a time until we’ve worked thru them. Do know, however, that there are those of us who really do care and will be supportive. It is always hard when you’ve lost a mentor, but the universe will send you what you need to continue in your path. And you were very correct in “Acceptance of what things are and letting them go is my only choice.” It’s the only real choice we ever have. At least that is my experience. I’ll be thinking about you and sending you positive energy. ⚡️⚡️⚡️ ❤️

      8. Windstorm2

        Thank you! Thing is I don’t just sense it I see it. There is no veil for me, everything is unfiltered. Learning to accept people as they are in the moment they are in was one of the hardest lessons for me.
        You can’t force things, acceptance in what is and letting them be may be painful in the moment, in the end thou you see what was meant to be. This could be a lesson that needed to be learned, a wound that needed to be ripped open so it could heal properly, it is necessary for growth. Even with them, their growth will differ from ours (for those with awareness), their healing will be of a different nature to. We can not expect the same results when perspectives are so very different.

        Thanks sending positive energy right back at you!!!

      9. Hi Twilight,
        I’m so sorry you lost your mentor. Were they an energy and spirit guide? Like a monk type?

        Yes, I sense what you are referring to is linked to an experience I’ve had since a youngster, “feeling people”, “feeling places”, “feeling energy footprints”….I do not see their darkness or light, I feel it. I do see microexpressions though. In my dreams I “see” more but sometimes it’s in symbolic form. Does this make sense to you? Now I feel crazy saying this, though it is the energy I feel.

        I also absorb others energy (like confuse what is my emotion vs others) and have to consciously ground myself before walking into rooms of groups. My clinical supervisor was also a Reiki trained individual and picked up on it in me and gave me strategies to create boundaries to protect my experience. You see, I did groups with folks that were very suicidal. I’d come out and feel it all still…I had to learn not to or it could harm me. I have a history of suicidal ideation and depression. I attempted as a child. It’s like playing with fire for me yet a calling to do my work in DBT.

        Every time I walk through a door or just prior to entering a room I do a body and mind scan, to check what I’m feeling prior. I imagine a boundary around me, like light, to protect me from absorbing other people’s sadness and anger. I do other work too, but this was my start. Such as acceptance work, comfort with pain work, etc….My first energy mentor was a Korean monk who taught me meditation (I wanted sword fighting and he said, sit). I sat for 6 months on his cold ass floor. It got me through my mothers passing and the only time a narc discarded me (2weeks after her death, he said “get over it” and disappeared).

        I’m not sure if any of my babble made sense.

        I wonder if you are an energy sister too?

        Peaceful soothing and accepting vibes to you,
        Indy

      10. Indy

        OMG I understand!!!!!!

        I see light/ dark, energy connections, I dream of things that have come to pass (which freaks me out) the deaths if I remember correctly in Syria I dreamt of a cloud of death spreading over the land leaving death in its wake. When it happened I didn’t sleep for two days, I can’t walk into a place before preparing myself, touching items I get images off of them, same with places. I could go on

      11. As to your question yes she was a Native American she never actually told me what she was, she understood I suspect she was what has been referred to as a Heyoka. There is more then what you find on the internet, why when I see any reference I have asked a question. It is also why I have been so quite about what I am. I see it as a curse and not a blessing.
        Living amongst them I also learned to hide it, I can’t hide my empathic side thou. My husband drugged me to dim my ablilites and gain control. Anyone ever tries that again with me I am going for blood. It killed me once never again in that way.
        I am feeling a bit ready for a jacket that gives serious hugs right about now after just spilling all that out here. If one is ordered for me I want blue tie dye please!
        I am sorry I am heading to work which is a battle ground for me, thank you Indy you have just made my world a little brighter knowing a energy sister is here to!

        Twilight

      12. Hi Twilight,
        Wow, you do know what I mean!!

        I do not know of Heyoka. I have read works by Carlos Castaneda, though I know little about Native American spirituality. Would love to learn more!
        I grew up on land where the Abenaki were slaughtered along the Connecticut River. I always suspected it was the church or some early Christian religion but little is written on the church’s involvement. The land was dark, the energy dark… even though on surface level it was a beautiful small New England town with old houses in old history. my sister and I had the same nightmares there. It was like being followed by a dark entity being there (I sound so freaken crazy, I know!! I’m a woman of science too but this experience has always stayed with me).

        yes, sending a hugging cloak of energy protection to you Twilight and Windstorm!

        I used to imagine a cloak of deep indigo and white light of the midnight moon (thus my handle, Indy).

      13. Hi Indy

        Yes, I do.

        Like I said I suspect, I saw someone say they were one here, so I looked it up. A lot of it made sense yet a lot was missing. That was when I came came back and asked them how they knew. The person never replied back, either they were and like me, getting me to talk about myself almost takes an act of God, didn’t see my reply, a wannabe, or they are like our friendly delusional “SE” that pops up. Energy doesn’t lie, it doesn’t take long to “feel” them and know. Normally I don’t say anything once I have established where the person sits, I just have an extreme dislike for mids. I can only bite my tongue for so long before a “fact” comes out.
        I have been to many places that have made me stop. When my husband was alive we went looking for a house to buy. There was one I froze at the entrance. I later looked up the history and found out a young woman had been murder inside.
        I don’t like dreams of death…
        I understand what you mean about land “feeling” dark and evil. There are many places here in Virginia like that, I know of a few back home. I will get images, when they first started happening I thought I was losing it. I know now I am just picking up on a point in time and the energy signature was extreme and left an imprint.
        You don’t sound crazy to me, you make sense.
        Lol I am a woman of Math and Science.

        Thanks Indy!!! Sending happy energy your way!

        I walk the woods on nights with a full moon, midnight blue that wraps a protection around the white light of the moon.

        I like your description of your clock, suits you!!

      14. Indy
        That’s sort of freaky! I asked you in another comment earlier today if you ever felt the energy wrap around and protect you like a blanket! Now I read your cloak comment you’d already written here. [cue spooky music 🎶 ]

      15. Indy
        I need to learn some of these protection strategies. Maybe that would help me deal better with social situations.

      16. Windstorm2

        Do you meditate? Social situations are not my thing and very challenging, It was the one thing my ex did do to me, he forced me out of dentistry into restaurant management. I told him I never wanted the responsibility of overseeing people. I started meditating more and spending time in nature. I don’t really ground myself I just flow with the energy around me.

      17. Twilight
        I have meditated in the past. I use the 8 levels of consciousness from the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Anymore it’s hard to get past level 3! More meditation would definitely be good for me.

        I don’t know how to ground myself. My Wiccan friend always does that at the end of rituals, but I never have. I just feel and enjoy the flow of energies like you said. I fear and dread all social situations, even though they often end up going well. It’s the few that don’t that spook me on all the others.

        One reason I became a teacher was to force myself to be around other people, sort of like the restaurant has done for you. I have come a long way. When I was 16 and had to get my drivers license, I was so afraid of seeing/being seen by the strangers in the other cars, I could hardly drive. Traffic lights sitting next to other people in their cars terrified me.

      18. Indy

        He used that information against me, in the end. If I could be rid of what I feel I would.
        He got people to believe I was the narcissist and I hurt people. I am not looking for anything, except someone like my mentor that understands.

      19. Twilight,
        You have a very deep and powerful form of empathy that can indeed feel like a curse/burden ….and it is also powerful and has great potential for healing too. Yourself and others. Harnessing this is tough and lifelong, and having a spirit guide, like your mentor, can help so much. At times, i feel like a lone witch/wolf/traveler with a journey that has no end and the lessons always revealing themselves. I have had to let go my need for why. It just is.

        Yes, there will be predators that will sense your energy and I’m sorry you were targeted in such a manner . Thank s horrible! Was he cultlike?

        I had a short relationship of 10 months with a spiritually manipulating narcissist (the one who left 2 weeks after my mother’s death). He claimed he was a shaman and I learned quickly he lied. But he drew me in during a time of vulnerability. He told me my grieving was too long (2 weeks!!).
        I’m glad he ghosted then. He hoovered once, left a voicemail “checking on me” a month later. I’m glad I never answered or responsed.

        Was yours a spiritual manipulator too? This was the only narcissist that I had been with that was of the “holy Narc” kind and thankfully short. I can’t believe my life has been filled with many of them. Each one did teach me good lessons in life though, despite the fact I had to learn the hard way.

      20. Indy

        I have known sense I was very young. Growing up in the household I did was rough at times.
        As far as healing I needed to heal myself first. I lost my child and that took a toll on me.
        She told me this journey is for me to discover my path and what a dream meant. I have had one that has recurred sense I was a teenager. I believe it has finally been answered, which to say the least has cause havoc on my emotions.

        My ex was “easy” compared to my husband and his family. My ex taught me many things, I forgave him, I have yet to forgive my husband or his family.

        Thank you Indy, it means more then I can put into words your acceptance of what I am. Many don’t understand. If I could give this away I would, I will never have what I desire the most. I will forever walk in Twilight. Belonging to neither the day or the night. Now you know the the reason I go by Twilight Dreams.
        Lol I really need to get some sleep and back to my store.

        Twilight

      21. Indy and twilight…ive enjoyed reading your posts about energy and feeling and sensing about people. Ive felt this but havent understood it. Ive had mild psychic or what i think are psychic occurances happen in my life but ive felt we all have this ability but some tap more into it than others. I do know theres more to this world than we will ever understand on a physical level(neurological) and spiritually. Ive had that sensation walking into a environment and having a sensation wash over me thats the only way i can describe it. A couple years ago i was staying in the queen anne in san francisco and experienced so much there. As far as people ive always sensed deeply about certain people and what theyre going thru. The news i find really affects me to the point i rarely watch it. Tragedies draw me in and i feel it hard to disconnect from it. When someones experienced a loss it weighs heavily on my mind for days and in some cases i reach out bc i feel drawn to. I still dont fully understand it maybe its exaggerated empathy but its felt more like how you described as an energy indy. Ive never researched any of it so i have no clue what it is.

      22. Hi NarcAffair,
        Yes, it can be confusing and it is so validating to hear others experience this. I thought for years I was just too sensitive to things. I agree, I think we all have the ability to tap into this to certain degrees. However, some are more sensitive early on for some reason that I have no clue why. Almost like we are tuned in differently to the frequency of different vibes. I do not have any research or data on it and science is just scratching the surface of what it could be. I suspect those brainly neuro-physicists will get to it eventually 😉

        In the mean time, practicing meditation helps as well as honoring your intuition. Sometimes, using grounding techniques helps when you pick up to intensely on other people’s emotions. Using the 5 senses, getting out in nature and finding things that get you in the zone can help. I imagine walls in me to protect me from being sucked in, though it’s like one with small holes…and have learned to compartmentize some. So I let others emotions pass through me, I hold them for a time inside and when needed I breathe them out(sometimes I use rituals to release). It takes a lot of practice and maintenance. I do not always succeed. Some days those feelings/energies hang on tight and I just try to tolerate and do self care. Sometimes I get a brownie 😆 (Drug free) and sometimes…well, tequila is nice too 😆 I’m not anywhere near perfect lol

        Feel free to join in 😊
        Warm vibes your way ~

    3. Twilight
      I am so sorry and the family members that defended him were reprehensible. Is this the husband that died?

  6. Denial did not work with me. I knew what he said, and what I saw, and giving up the truth was never an option.

    Distraction and deflection worked to some degree, especially projection and blame-shifting but also charm. But even the most charming, somatic response loses its allure after a while when you need answers!

    No matter what manipulation he used to avoid accountability, I always came back to the original issues in circular conversations. It took many months to get him to admit the truth I had already known anyway! Afterwards, I asked myself ‘why the hell did you bother?’.

  7. Oh yes. When he was texting her while I sat right next to him. Called him on it and he said he was texting his mate. Then proceeded to call the mate he named just to throw me off. Followed by further deflection and then blame shifting.

  8. This article couldn’t resonate better! Specially the defence lines of the Greater using blame shifting.
    One of my ex ‘s favourite lines was: ” How can you demand things from me that you do not deliver yourself”? He used this line ( among others) whenever I questioned him about something and his charm was not enough. He deflected the conversation towards me and something not related to him…and we could spend hours in these discussions…and finally due to exhaustion the real topic of the conversation was completely lost…

  9. Shaggy wrote a song called, It Wasn’t Me; must have been written for narcissists.

    Advisory: DO NOT read if you are sensitive and believe in safe spaces. I was abused by sadistic and violent lessers and this is how I am hardwired to think. By the time I was 5, I spoke 3 languages: violence, profanity and english, with a hint of sadism.

    I would love to put all the narcs I know into a gas chamber and Zyklon B them to death. Watching them die would be spectacular.

    1. Can especially relate to your post – right down to the Shaggy reference which my ex lesser listened to, on the sly. Quite the contrast from the cheesy love songs he would continually play and serenade me with during the golden period.

  10. I feel like Goldilocks reading these examples. The first ones from the lesser are unbelievably crass, the second ones from the midranger are wimpy and unimpressive, but the third ones from the greater are just right.

    That’s definitely how the men in my life would all react. Always at ease with a plausible explanation that morphs into an interesting story or anecdote! And they would look down in disdain and laugh at anyone would couldn’t do the same off the cuff.
    I have to say I agree with them. I mean if you’re going to lie, you should at least do it with intelligence and humor.

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