Shelf Life – Deciphering What Is Going On

SHELF LIFE - DECIPHERING WHAT IS GOING ON

Life on the shelf.

The position of the Intimate Partner Secondary Source

Other commentators talk about the standard cycle of the narcissist being idealisation, then devaluation, then dis-engagement (or discard) and then hoovering. This is just one dynamic of many. None realise that there are many other dynamics and one in particular which is of considerable concern is in respect of those individuals who are Intimate Partner Secondary Sources (which includes Dirty Little Secrets) who are treated by the narcissist and ONLY the narcissist in a shelf manner.

Making sense of this interaction and also what is going to happen to you within the ´wheels within wheels´situation of a narcissist´s fuel matrix is not addressed elsewhere. For those of you who are in or believe you are in a shelf scenario, where you feel you are picked up and put down, treated like an afterthought, seen as a side piece, The Other Man or Woman, a mistress or booty call, this Logic Bulletin is absolutely for you.

This Logic Bulletin details a series of scenarios concerning you as an IPSS and the narcissist, including

  • What will happen to you? Will you always be treated in a shelf manner?
  • Will you become the Candidate IPSS and if so, in what circumstances?
  • Will you ever become the IPPS and if so, in what circumstances?
  • Why are you not becoming the Candidate IPSS?
  • Who else might be in the fuel matrix?
  • What is happening with you when there is an IPPS already in place?
  • What happens with you if the IPPS escapes?
  • What happens with you if the narcissist disengages from the IPPS?
  • Could there be other IPSS´in the picture? How to know and what this means?
  • What if there is no visible IPPS? Why are you not being made into the IPPS.

Through detailed scenarios set out over two audio files delivered by email, HG Tudor provides you with his accurate insight so you can understand shelf life so you can then make informed decisions with regard to your next steps and gain answers to everything you wanted to know about life on the shelf.

To access this extremely helpful material, which is available at an introductory discounted rate of just US $ 30, use the Paypal button below which also includes an option without description where discretion is necessary.


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172 thoughts on “Shelf Life – Deciphering What Is Going On

  1. Whitney says:

    HG the God, today the UMR Somatic said he wants to give me money to start a business for him.

    He then said, word for word: “All I care about is money… and power. I just want to control people”.

    That’s an empty existence. I want to ask him, why? What’s the point?

    He wants me as his primary source now. With you HG, and my empath friend, that’s not happening. In fact, I’m going to disappear.

    1. FYC says:

      Whitney, Thank God for your intent to disappear. Now, be sure to do so completely. Do not enter into anything with this N. Not even a conversation. HG is the only “safe” N for us to communicate with.

      1. Whitney says:

        Thank you FYC and Ashley. It’s really nice of you to care.

        I was thinking if “All he cares about his money”, he’s not doing a very good job.

        I would do a much better job than him, if I cared.

        Especially since that is ALL he cares about. Sad.

        1. Whitney says:

          I’ve taught my friend all about HG the God’s work.

          For hours and days she repeats remarks about the Somatic:

          Shallow and empty.
          He is empty.
          He’s empty.
          It has nothing to do with you. He is empty.
          Shallow and nothing.
          Everything is fake cos he’s empty.
          Doesn’t give a fuck about anyone. Empty.
          No control = no need to live.
          Totally empty.
          Just living an empty life. No meaning or purpose.
          He’s fake and empty. Boring.
          No excitement for life. Nothing.
          He’s nothing. He feels nothing.
          He’s nothing.
          Nothing there.
          Totally boring.
          No one and nothing.
          Empty.
          Boring.

          Lots more on empty and various themes. Another theme is that he’s the ugliest person she’s ever known.

          Now I see him as empty, instead of my delusions.

          She singlehandedly got me away from a Greater narcissist in the past also.

          1. Narc noob says:

            Thanks Whitney, good to hear. I’m pleased to make your acquaintance – I feel my daughter is also the same as your detector test revealed, being that of geyser empath. She is the sweetest kid, and makes those around her feel at ease.

            I agree, it’s likely a matter of opinion. My opinion comes from my own experience and watching my own self but also looking at past patterns and realising that it’s not just me that would fall into the same boat. Probably the type of empath and their ability to be objective, given the circumstances that bring people here as well. HG either responded out of a need for control, which he got, or he understood where I was going and could see the parallel I was making. I’ve been wrong before, though 😉

      2. Narc noob says:

        “HG is the only “safe” N for us to communicate with”

        I know where you are coming from. I understand what you are saying.

        Having said that though, I can see the N vs E dynamic playing out in here also. Question then is to ask if the Dynamic is *safe*.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes, it is because there is no downside. You ask a question, you will most likely be answered. You are able to advance your views. If you are inaccurate, you are politely corrected. There are rules which prevent certain behaviours. This place is vastly more informative and far more constructive than many places which hold themselves out as recovery forums/support groups – how do I know? I have been in them and watched the way the admins behave with people (see The Support Forum Fraud).

          1. Narc noob says:

            What if the downside was the dynamic/addiction some might find here?.

            Is it not possible for the addiction to continue albeit now it’s a *safer* drug?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Even the best medicine may have a side effect.

          3. Narc noob says:

            “Even the best medicine may have a side effect.”

            True. It’s amazing the small print, and the side-effects one can find on their medication should they care to look. Thanks HG.

        2. FYC says:

          Hello NN, Do expand on what your perception of the N/E dynamic here is and how you see it playing out. Nonspecific assertions are not very helpful and are often put forth due to misperception and a lack of real evidence. I say this not to be critical, but to keep the conversation specific and constructive.

          First, you are missing the most important aspect of the referenced conversation. Whitney is a lovely empath who happens to be drawn to psychopaths and narcissists, most probably due to the various factors she has shared regarding her upbringing that most ACoN can appreciate. In real life versus blog conversation, this gravitational pull will lead to abuse, pain, loss and devastation. Here, in speaking with HG, Whitney can enjoy the gravitational pull without being abused. Here she receives an invaluable education and support and not pain, and in fact will become weaponized against such pain. A win-win. In addition, she has many fellow empaths here that are supportive and will continue to be so. This is the only environment where this can be the case for all the reasons HG has outlined.

          1. Narc noob says:

            FYC, thanks for the feedback. I do enjoy reading your posts I find on the blog here. I am sorry if I annoyed you or offended Whitney. I wasn’t putting any fingers, though.

            I received the answer I was asking after, so I will move on now. Thx.

          2. FYC says:

            NN, I apologize if you felt put off by my reply. I was cautious because there have been a few criticisms of late with regard to being supportive of HG, so before I responded to you on any N/E blog dynamic, I wanted to be sure I understood your point of view. I’m glad you got what you were looking for, Thank you for the compliment and it is good to see you commenting here again. I hope you are well in Oz and stay safe.

          3. Whitney says:

            Thank you FYC, you are a most lovely empath.

            Yes this is a predictable and relaxing environment. HG is predictable, respectful and honest with us.

            His information saved me from years of abuse and utter confusion. It has saved me from various ensnarements.

            I use his extremely accurate insights to counsel my friends on a daily basis. His work doesn’t just help me but it is stunningly accurate and essential for any Empath I know.

            I feel the best I’ve ever felt about myself, because of his label “Geyser Carrier Empath” from the Empath Detector. HG takes victims of abuse who feel terrible about themselves, and tells them why they are great! I’m much less vulnerable to Narcissists now. I feel great about myself, and I know what the Narcs are up to. Thanks to HG!

          4. FYC says:

            Whitney, I am so happy to hear that you feel wonderful about yourself. Well deserved! I am equally happy you have found the help you need and that you are helping other empaths. Well done! I too share HG’s advice with those I know, sometimes even strangers when I am approached to listen to someones life story. There is no other resource like HG nor one that offers the accuracy and unique insight he does. His reach extends well beyond the blog through his reader base. Thank you for kindness, Whitney.

          5. Whitney says:

            You didn’t offend me Narc noob! It was a good and interesting thought you were wondering and I think the answer is a matter of opinion.

            Thank you FYC. That is nice how you give strangers HG’s advice 😊 they are lucky for you to listen and help them. Very kind of you.

          6. FYC says:

            Thank you kindly, Whitney.

          7. Narc noob says:

            Thank you for your kind words, FYC.

            I don’t have any issue with being grateful for HG and the information he provides here. He has helped me tremendously.

            I wasn’t so much *put off* by what you said, although it did scream conflict to this empath who is more likely to run then fight but that is due to my thoughts on not being the best communicator. I mainly hoped that HG would chime in- and he did.

            At present I am still grappling with HGs instructions and predictions on what he calls my ET(even after 15m NC) and what I would consider LT – esp. after reading here.

            I realise this probably just muddied the waters more. Hopefully some of it made sense!

          8. FYC says:

            NN, I do not think you are a poor communicator. My feeling is your view springs from an internal perspective, and such views can be colored by both natural orientation and a variety of other filters. This type of perspective can trick one into thinking an emotionally driven decision is a logical one. Logic is very clear, direct and unimpeachable. Emotions cause one to divert logic to serve the emotion. Stick with the logic instead. Have you considered purchasing the ET/Addiction Triple Package now on sale for $80 ($30 discount)? I think you would find it very enlightening.

          9. Narc Noob says:

            FYC, well I hope you are right. I hope everyone else, including HG, is right. I hope it’s just ET. I hope I have read and been misinformed here, I hope that my intuition is out, and my ability to read between the lines, is off. Thanks FYC. I will see you around the blog. 🙂

      3. theletterafterj says:

        I agree FYC.

        1. FYC says:

          Thank you, K

          1. K says:

            My pleasure FYC!

    2. Ashley says:

      Whitney good for you. Mine was an UMR somatic as well. Get away from him immediately before he can do damage to you. He would drain you like a battery

    3. Violetta says:

      Whitney:

      I am very relieved to hear it. Stay safe. He will try to tempt you any way he can.

      1. Whitney says:

        So sweet of you, thank you Violetta.
        Beautiful name by the way. I always wanted to mention!

        1. Violetta says:

          Thx, but not real name.

  2. WokeAF says:

    Paid for HG!
    Looking fwd to it

    I’ve purchased 3 smaller bulletins also as I’m about to have 2 days of much needed respite time and since babydaddy has waltzed confidently back into the kid’s life after a prolonged absence (is it a disengagement if it’s their kid??) I’m looking forward to my purchases.

    Thank you .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Jolly good, you will find the injection of logic most useful. Thank you for obtaining.

    2. theletterafterj says:

      WokeAF
      Children are usually NISSs and narcissistic parents will shelve their children. In our world it is neglect.

      If contact is completely cut off by the narcissist, then it is disengagement, however, if the children cut off all contact, then it is an Escape.

  3. Violetta says:

    FM1T: I couldn’t have finished my dissertation without the Ramones. I almost dedicated it to them, but I was still delirious from a sinus infection, and wasn’t sure if this was the kind of thing I would regret when I was no longer feverish.

  4. WhoCares says:

    FM1T,

    “I also know being able to use my empathetic traits everyday instead of having them locked inside of me, will help lessen not only my ET but also that addiction to narcissists that I have been cursed with! I understand that I will always be an empath, I also know that I will always be addicted to narcissists,(unfortunately I have been hit with the double whammy)”

    You have no idea how much these words have resonated with me, especially as I consider future possibilities.

    Thank-you FM1T; enjoy your Sunday!💚

    1. Fool Me 1 Time says:

      You are welcome dear WC. I loved the green heart, green is my favorite color! 😘

  5. WhoCares says:

    FM1T,

    ” I will be doing something I enjoy doing plus they reimburse for furthering your education”

    Ah – score!!

    “Exciting” is on a spectrum, I am sure, FM1T… stability looks pretty darn enticing to me after my “excitement” of the past.
    And, to think, isn’t it lovely to be investing in something just for you? Something that will not be undermined by the narcs in our lives? Sounds positively dreamy to me…

    I am happy for you.

    1. Fool Me 1 Time says:

      WC,
      Yes it is exciting to be doing something that I know I will not only enjoy, but also thrive at doing! I have learned so much in just the last few weeks from the bulletins and AP that HG has been putting out, being able to listen to-him was what I needed to drive it home! I also know being able to use my empathetic traits everyday instead of having them locked inside of me, will help lessen not only my ET but also that addiction to narcissists that I have been cursed with! I understand that I will always be an empath, I also know that I will always be addicted to narcissists,(unfortunately I have been hit with the double whammy) but they say knowing is half the battle, and I believe with all of my empathetic little heart, that HG is the other half.
      Have a great funday Sunday WC! 😘💞

  6. Notme! says:

    Thanks K
    Maybe I should change my screen name to NearlyMe!
    I heard a phrase today ‘keep living until you’re alive again’. I think I’m nearly there and I have this place and the likes of you to thank for it. X

    1. K says:

      My pleasure Notme!
      It’s a really nice feeling when you take control and get your life back. XO

  7. Violetta says:

    FM1T: have you tried punk rock?

    1. Fool Me 1 Time says:

      I like Drop Kick Murphy, The Ramones, The Clash, and Sheer Mag. I like all genres really! Did you ever hear or read the saying, She keeps the music loud to drown out the thoughts of her mind? I’m not sure that is exactly how it goes, but m sure you get the idea.

  8. Notme! says:

    N-ex is getting a taste of shelf life this week and it would seem he isn’t too keen. I didn’t respond to his postal hoovers in Dec or the beginning of this month although I was tempted. So far this week I’ve had 15 calls from ‘Private Number’ which I’ve ignored, attempted hoover via someone else which they ignored and just checked Spam to find 8 emails, none of which I read. The last email subject line was ‘S### are you ok? I’m concerned’. Concerned my arse!!!!!
    Apparently being ignored is driving him mental and I’m not in the least bit sorry. I have zero temptation to respond and I’m not feeling guilty about ignoring him, in fact I’d die and go to hell before I do. No idea what the triggers have been this week and frankly I couldn’t care less. Mr MRN can blow up his phone and ipad for all I care. He had 2 years of my attention and now he’s shit out of luck.
    I know HG said I should change my number and email address, probably even move house and that I’m not NC, but they’re my things and I don’t want to change them or move.
    Blocking him and filtering emails has enabled me to get ET under control. I’m glad I know that he has been losing his shit this week. It’s helped me realise that I’ve taken my life back.
    So N-ex can stay on my shelf as long as he likes whining like a b!@#$ because I don’t have to listen to it or he can sod right off and haunt somebody else. Yahooooooo!

    1. K says:

      Notme!
      Ha! The only thing he’s concerned about is losing control of you (his appliance) and, after two years, he’s shit out of fuel (from you). Hahahaha…

      1. wildviolet22 says:

        Notme! and K, just reading through the replies on this article now, and your comments cracked me up. These articles and comments are inspiring me, and part of my own “fuel” to keep my no contact going. S**t out of fuel for them is right.

        I’m in month 2 of no contact, and everything is blocked, and despite 2 years of worrying about his feelings and using the “golden rule”/ do unto others (to basically screw myself and keep myself stuck, for all the good that did), after his last tantrum, my sympathy has been frozen over like in the Russian Tundra. He normally would have contacted me by now (his shelving usually lasts on average 2-3 weeks), and he can be checking his phone until the cows come home, there will be nothing. In Mother Russia, Shelf IPSS shelves you. 😃

        1. theletterafterj says:

          wildviolet22
          Hahahaha…keep up the good work! That’s how I did, too. We read the comments, learn and get inspired and this helps reduce our Emotional Thinking (ET) so we stick with No Contact (NC). Starve the bastard by reading and posting your way through it. You’ve successfully taken back your control by “shelving” (escaping) him.

    2. lidija87 says:

      Apsolutly same here! After 200 missed calls, texts, I get the “how are you? I am really concerned!” and the manipulative onw:”don’t you want to tell me how our son is doing”? After two months of not paying alimony and shelfing. They are really all the same, running the same circles….

      1. Notme! says:

        Ughh, makes my skin crawl, especially the reference to your son!

  9. K says:

    Kim e
    Although I understand the narcissistic perspective, sometimes, it’s unfathomable. I couldn’t imagine abusing my children ever, not in a million years.

  10. WhoCares says:

    Congrats on the job FM1T – that sounds exciting!

    1. FoolMe1Time says:

      Thank you WC. I’m not to sure about the exciting part,but I will be doing something I enjoy doing plus they reimburse for furthering your education. I believe it’s time for me to start worrying and taking care of me instead of worrying and trying to care and protect people who only tell lies, and have proven they would never do the same for me!

      I’m sorry to have gone on like that WC, I only wanted to Thank you. 😘

  11. Kim e says:

    K. Mine didn’t either. It is bad enough to live they it as a child but then to really connect the dots as an adult sucks

  12. Violetta says:

    K: My mother didn’t grasp that she had a right to defend herself, let alone me.

    1. K says:

      Violetta
      Our childhoods were like a trip down the Rabbit Hole and I never want to go back.

      1. Violetta says:

        I’d go down a rabbit hole or through a looking glass before I’d return to that childhood.

        1. K says:

          Violetta
          We grew up in Dante’s Inferno, Circle VII: Violence.

  13. njfilly says:

    Witch:

    I just came across your comment. I’m sorry to hear your mother is a narcissist. I wish the best for you as well.

    I believe my mother is a narcissist. As you said, all the signs are there. I may eventually have it confirmed. For now I have some email consultations going about myself and I will purchase the available AP’s.

    Even if I find out for sure she is a narcissist I will not go no contact with her. We live together on our farm and I am not ready to sell. We live in separate houses, so I can just avoid her. Her behavior began to improve years ago when her silent treatments no longer effected me and it just left her alone and in silence. Anyway, through the years I have learned to handle both my parents quite effectively. They need me, and they seem to understand that if they misbehave I avoid them. They appear to be on their best behavior when I am present.

  14. Violetta says:

    FM1T: I wish my mother had acted like you.

    1. K says:

      Violetta
      No kidding! My mother didn’t give a flying fuck about me.

    2. FoolMe1Time says:

      Violetta
      When they handed my daughter to me in the hospital on the day she was born, I knew I would do what ever it took to protect her. I would not allow her to grow up and live as I did. The things that happened to me would not happen to her, I promised her that while I was holding her in my arms that very first day.
      while holding her that very first day.

  15. K says:

    Thank you for sharing, FoolMe1Time
    It looks like you have a little “Clock Work Orange” in you, too, and I am happy your daughter got her stuff back. You are a good mother and a damn good empath.

    1. FoolMe1Time says:

      Thank you K. I have no idea where that anger comes from at times but when it comes to the ones that I love, I will go to the ends of the earth to protect them!

      1. K says:

        My pleasure FoolMe1Time
        I suspect that our empathic traits of protectiveness and justice are corrupted by anger and hate, which results in the “Clock Work Orange” response.

        1. FoolMe1Time says:

          I believe you are absolutely correct on that one K.

          1. K says:

            FoolMe1Time
            Who’d have thunk it but empathy erosion can lead to some pretty extreme behavior.

          2. Fool Me 1 Time says:

            K you’re not tell me anything I don’t already know!!
            Actually having a bit of ET this morning and I don’t know if I want to cry or hit somebody, or maybe both?!

          3. K says:

            Fool Me 1 Time
            Hahahaha…have fun with it! Cry and throw some pillows at the wall or have a good rant. There’s nothing like a good rant to start the day.

          4. Fool Me 1 Time says:

            Well K I tried a walk and that didn’t work and now I am going to go do some bag work. I’m not even sure who I’m angry at or why? Lol

          5. K says:

            Fool Me 1 Time
            Let The Hate Flow Through You – Emperor Palpatine

            Feel your feelings then let them go.

          6. Fool Me One Time says:

            I hate to even say this, I don’t like Star Wars!! The only thing I liked about it was Chewy!

          7. K says:

            Fool Me One Time
            Hahahaha…you don’t have to like the movies but some of the quotes are damn good.

            “When you look at the dark side, careful you must be. For the dark side looks back.” – Yoda

  16. FYC says:

    Dear FM1T, I just read your story about your daughter and was impressed!! Way to go! I am proud of you standing up to that idiot. I knew you had it in you. Thank you for sharing. Hope you are fully recovered and feeling fine!😘

    1. FoolMe1Time says:

      FYC Thank you. That episode with my daughter happened a few years before I knew anything about narcissists.
      I am healing nicely from the surgery and actually start a new job on Monday. Thank you for asking FYC, that was very kind of you. 😘💞

      1. NarcAngel says:

        FM1T
        Glad to read you are well again and ready to kick ass (at new job this time haha). Congratulations.

        1. FoolMe1Time says:

          Thank you NA. I don’t think I’ve ever been so ready to kick some ass!

      2. FYC says:

        FM1T, I am very happy to hear that you are on the mend and a big congrats on the new job! They are lucky to have you, and I hope the work suits you, and rewards you in full. Wishing you the best.💞

        1. FoolMe1Time says:

          Thank you FYC, this job is actually just a start of better things to come. 💞

          1. FYC says:

            Very happy to hear that, FM1T! You deserve all good things.💞

  17. Witch says:

    @whitney
    That’s how these motherfuckers kill you
    “Oh come and live with me, no no you don’t need to work, we will take care of you”
    Next thing you know you’re financially dependent with no home of your own, and if you try to leave you’re homeless

    1. lidija87 says:

      Better homeless no job, newborn and 4 yo in your hands, then to let them use abuse and it will in some way ruin the kids. Better happy and broke. Nothing can buy mine and my kids peace.

      1. Witch says:

        I get what you’re saying but it’s never as straight forward as “happy and broke”
        I’ve witnessed the struggle and it’s not “happy” it just may be the lesser of two struggles

      2. WhoCares says:

        lidija87,

        I do have to say that I agree with you. A home is replaceable, so is a job and more money can always made… however, a broken spirit can’t be replaced and the healing time can be a lengthy and involved.

        1. lidija87 says:

          Yes. And I can say I am happy, money is not going to make me happy, bring me peace. As long as we are healthy and have money for bills and food, I couldn’t ask more. The 200000e cars, 10000e per month and a lux flat in Switzerland, would not go back for the world. I was one month away from mental institution.

  18. Whitney says:

    Thank you HG, NarcAngel, and FYC.

    I won’t move into his parents. Definitely not. I just get confused because he’s bizarre.

    I understand narcissism. I know how my friend’s boyfriend tries to manipulate her.
    I can’t always understand my own situations because of emotional thinking.

    I went to the beach with the UMR and his narcissist friend. I brought along fruit and olives. The UMR said I was eating the olives “compulsively”. His friend agreed. Anytime I tried to eat more the UMR was like “Whitney!!!! Stop it!!!!!” He was serious.

    They checked the sugar content of my iced coffee drink.

    His friend asked if he could guess my weight, and he was correct by the exact kilo. He then told me the weight of his primary source who is in devaluation. She was a few kilos lighter than me. The friend said I could lose 4kg. The UMR got angry at him and said I don’t need to lose any weight, that I’m perfect, and that I could gain weight.

    I told my friend about the day at the beach and she said these are the weirdest people I know. And her and I know lots of weird people (narcissists).

  19. Violetta says:

    Do you really want THREE people controlling you?

  20. FYC says:

    Whitney, Please do not move in with the N parents. This seemingly ‘caring’ act is a bid for more control. Not to mention it is all but guaranteed that one of the parents is a N as well. Steer clear and take care of yourself. Definitely GOSO.

  21. Whitney says:

    HG, the UMR Somatic wants me to move into his parent’s house. They are multi-millionaires. They have a big ocean view house.
    He said his parents can cook for me and take care of me. Maybe it’s an instinctive behaviour, because him and I had slept together. So now he wants his family to care for me.
    He wants his parents in my life in all kinds of ways.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      GOSO.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Whitney
      A cage is a cage no matter how gilded.

  22. Claire says:

    I cannot describe how grateful I am to HG for providing this fabulous Logic bulletin! Although I am still doing strong with my NC, I recently met common acquaintances and friends of my former family ( me and my ex) . So another hoovering attempt is foreseen because those people were his friends before the marriage.
    This wonderful material gave me the answers what to expect.
    I cannot beat him in his game – he always find the way to contact me. But at least I am more weaponised now and more determined to keep my NC regime intact.
    Thank you , HG!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  23. Witch says:

    @njfilly
    I was recently in the same position. I thought I didn’t want to know whether or not my mother is a narcissist. I didn’t think I was ready to leave her behind.
    But I’ve now accepted she is without doing a narc Detector. All the signs are there. She’s a jealous, petty, bitter ball of rage and victimhood and it’s better that I know it, instead of holding on to hope that she will get better.
    I wish you all the best with your situation

  24. Whitney says:

    Dear HG
    I loved this work, it was phenomenal.

    I pine for him…I pairbonded to him. I long to lay beside him, to watch movies together, to love each other. I have never told him how I feel. He took me to the beach a lot lately, and he carries me into the ocean. I cling to him in the water and rest my head on his shoulder. Hmmm. But this isn’t reality. The reality is, the more time I spend with him, the more abusive he is. He shows himself more. The fury. Whoever spends her days with him will experience his unpredictable agitation and criticising rage.

    He has oportunistically left his primary source to move into another girls house, who was advertising for a housemate. The primary source was in devaluation, like you said HG. He said living with her was a nightmare. The new one isn’t an empath, she is normal. He will have a void.

    He focused on me a lot lately. Controlling my diet, and spending time with me.

    I left the sport early and didn’t go to the pub. His face looked surprised… and scared.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Whitney. The Shelf Life and Black or White Packages are a must purchase for all, whether previously a secondary source, currently one or to avoid ever becoming one.

  25. Nice one Em!

  26. lisk says:

    I was not a IPSS. However, I am interested to know the other side—how did Narcx’s IPSSs view his treatments of them while we were together for 8 years? Did they even know I existed?

    However, I worry that my curiosity is a form of Contact and that it might trigger ET, so not sure if I should go there.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There will be a slight rise in ET, as it is a form of interaction, BUT it is undertaken with lowered ET in general AND allied to logic and therefore is permissible.

  27. Em says:

    I’ve blocked him on every social media platform known to man and still he finds another route. And as if butter wouldn’t melt. He wants to to talk to me. He hates it when he can’t …….

    1. lisk says:

      Em, I love it that he can’t. Brava!

      1. Em says:

        Lisk-I’m tempted to talk but know it will be a disappointment and the fact this silence is driving him mad is so satisfying

  28. Em says:

    My ex husband Lesser N I found I described his treatment of me as a toy in the cupboard which had been forgotten until someone else wants to play with it. I also said the future was like a black hole nothing to look forward to or empty promises. Read – shelf IPPS (stepford d’évaluation) and future faking much of it.
    I said all this long before I knew about Narcs and HG. Unfortunately I described this behaviour to my next narc UMRN whilst not awakened for whom I was IPsS DLS. He must have thought all his xmases had come at once.

    1. lisk says:

      Em, I, too, described treatments of me by previous narc boyfriends to Narcx, in the getting-to-know-you-intimately phase. This was equivalent to handing him the Lisk Operating Manual.

      1. Em says:

        Why do we do that?

        1. lisk says:

          Sometimes I think only HG knows!

  29. Pingback: Shelf Life – Deciphering What Is Going On ⋆ NarcTopia
  30. Bibi says:

    HG, no one explains this better than you. I have been on the shelf courtesy of multiple narcs, but the Mid Ranger literally treated me like a book. Granted, I put Melville on the shelf but Melville is dead. I am not dead—yet. This is how he treated me.

    I introduced your site to a pal of mine, yester. I said you explained it the best. And you do.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Bibi and thank you for introducing someone to my work.

  31. njfilly says:

    My mother actually saw right through my narcissist boyfriend immediately. When he kept breaking up with me and cancelling our time together I tried not to let it bother me but truthfully I was confused about what was going on. My mother said to me, “You are like the candlestick. He takes you out and puts you beside him when he wants and when he is done with you he puts you away.” Then we both decided that he didn’t want his life to change in any way. He just wanted to add me to the mix when it was convenient to him.

    Unfortunately, I think she may be a Mid Range Narc herself.

    1. FoolMe1Time says:

      I’m sorry to hear that njfilly. If you want to find out for sure if your Mother is a MRN, you know what you have to do.

      1. njfilly says:

        Thank you, FM1T.

        Yes, I know what I could do but I’m not sure I want to know. It doesn’t really matter. I’m surrounded by insanity in my family with both my parents and my brother, and I already know that. I’m not sure I need to know this.

        I did take the Narc detector for my father. He is the more obvious one. I should have taken it for my mother.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You know what to do

          1. njfilly says:

            Yes, I do. Thank you Mr. Tudor.

        2. FoolMe1Time says:

          I understand njfilly. I think for me spending all of those years not knowing who or what I was dealing with and always thinking I was the crazy one, is what drives me to know. Finally finding someone who knew the truth and had the answers lead me to not having to live with the wonder and second guessing. At least if you change your mind, you now know there is someone who can give you answers.

          1. njfilly says:

            FM1T: I’m happy for you that you found the answers which gave you some peace. I’m thankful that I now know where to find my own answers.

          2. FoolMe1Time says:

            Thank you njfilly. I have not found all of my answers yet and peace is still at times far and in between. I realize that this didn’t happen to me over night, and it cannot be fixed overnight but as long as I keep taking one step at a time one day at a time, eventually I will get there!

          3. njfilly says:

            I hope to find peace eventually, as well as answers.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            You will, through this place and my work.

          5. njfilly says:

            Yes, thank you. I’m working on it.

          6. FoolMe1Time says:

            Stay here with us njfilly and HG will provide you with the answers. I’m positive you will one day find your peace. 💞

          7. njfilly says:

            It’s possible there is no peace in this life. Only in the next. I’m fine with that and I wont feel sorry for myself.

          8. FoolMe1Time says:

            I have felt that way many times njf, I just have to keep believing it is at the end of this tunnel!

          9. njfilly says:

            Yes. I believe. Staying drunk helps. (Just kidding)

          10. FoolMe1Time says:

            njfilly,
            I’m going to tell you a story that I have never told on here before. I had forgotten about it until I read your comment about your Mother and a candle stick.
            My children are and have always been my everything! With that being said my daughter has far more empathetic traits then I do! She is a very strong women, however her weakness is picking guys and men that are total assholes!! ( like Mother like daughter! ) I remember this guy she was dating, the way he worked her made my skin crawl! This was before I knew anything about narcissists, Empaths, etc.
            My daughter was head over heals for this pathetic piece of garbage. He was a bartender who also had a drinking problem! Well he broke her heart! But he also would not give her belongings that were at his apartment back to her! This went in for weeks, her calling and him promising to drop them off, or having her go over there and him not being home! One night she ask me to go with her to the bar he worked at so she could talk to him. I only agreed because I was tired of seeing my daughter this hurt and I was afraid for her to drive with being this upset. I waited in the car while she went inside. When she came out crying her eyes out and shaking from head to toe from the hurt of seeing him with someone else, I went inside. It was the first time I broke a promise to my daughter. I told her I would be calm and just go in and ask him for her things that he said he had brought with him to work. I walked in that bar and heard the music playing, as I looked around for him, I spotted him on the dance floor laughing and having a good time grinding up against a blonde that definitely had to much to drink. I lost it! I remember walking towards him, I remember screaming at him and grabbing him by his shirt collar! The music stopped and the people on the dance floor backed up! I remember squeezing his collar so tightly that my hand was turning white, I pulled him toward me and seen this look of fear in his face! I told him he had two minutes to go to his car and bring me my daughters things, I also told him if he ever tried to contact my daughter again for any reason, I would hunt him down, cut his balls off and hand them to him!! Needless to say my daughter had her things returned to her!
            I have only ever been in that state of mind when I am protecting the ones that I love! I was over the top that night and I’m pretty sure he was not just feeling my wrath for what he did to my daughter, he was also receiving my wrath for what others like him had done to me. I’m sorry this was so long. I have no idea why those candle sticks conjured those memories from my mind? I apologise for the length of this HG.

          11. njfilly says:

            Oh boy! What a story! Thanks for sharing.

            I’m sure you are quite tough when you need to be. I’m sorry your daughter got her heart broken but I’m happy you got her belongings returned, and if I have ever offended you I apologize as now I’m afraid of getting my ass beat!

          12. FoolMe1Time says:

            Oh filly! Lol. I’m actually a very quiet and peaceful person.
            The only reason I told you this story is because lookin back I honestly don’t think if I would not have been so controlled and abused by narcissists my whole life, this whole situation I would have handled differently. As you already know living and being with them for long periods of time changes the way you think and react.

          13. Lorelei says:

            Foolme—I was typing and lost it! It does change the way we think and react. We calibrate to accommodate their unusual way of behaving and it creates stress and makes us sick eventually.

          14. FoolMe1Time says:

            Lorelei
            It was reading about what njfilly wrote about her Mother that caused me to think about that time with my daughter. I have been thinking about other times that I have lost it and became so angry that I actually frightened myself! I was thinking about how, depending on the way someone approaches me or even the tone of there voice can cause me to go into defense mode.

          15. Lorelei says:

            I’m “triggered” by passive aggressive behavior. I hate the word triggered because it sounds kinda borderline’esque—oh gosh I gotta lose it. But no, I am. I’m angry about a lot of it. I had to tell my 13 year old last night that a topic she brings up is put to bed. I’m done talking about it. I don’t owe endless same explanations to even the children. She is able to work some things out on her own as callous as that sounds. (It was related to my energy level before I got better)
            I’m done—she can walk away and continue to process it but I set a limit and it’s not the current reality. It was also being used to deflect some personal responsibility from her own tasks. She was told to clean her disaster in her room and she countered my instruction with “Well you used to have someone clean everything for you..” If she so chooses to pursue this route to get her mess picked up she can get a job and write the check.

          16. njfilly says:

            FM1T:

            Yes, I agree with your comment. I’m sure I was shaped due to the narcissists in my life. I believe you are a quiet and peaceful person. I’m glad you can be tough when you need to be.

            For me, I was kept in a state of hyper vigilance. Now I’m permanently in self-defense mode that I can’t always shut off. Particularly when I interact with people. The quiet peaceful me exists mostly when I’m alone, but I have noticed a change lately where I can be very calm with my friends at times. It depends; although on what, I’m not sure.

            I love when people call me Filly!

          17. Anm says:

            Fm1t, that was amazing

          18. FoolMe1Time says:

            Anm
            At the time I didn’t think it was quite amazing! That incident was not even close to being the worst I found myself in. It took all that I had to control the anger that was building up inside of me. There have been times where I didn’t care about any danger that I was placing myself in and could not control that anger. Thankfully my children never had to witness any of those times.I think I am beginning to understand where that anger is really coming from, however to confirm that I will need to set up a consult with the boss!

    2. lisk says:

      Takes one to know one, I guess, njphilly. At least your mother shared her ‘knowledge’ about being a candlestick (great analogy, btw) with you. I can understand if you didn’t listen to facts when you needed to. I never did!

      1. njfilly says:

        Lisk,

        Is that true, in this case, that it takes one to know one? Yes, her candlestick analogy was very good. I was the IPPS but still I was put on the shelf. I assume that was a devaluation. I did realize he wanted me around only when he wanted it, so I started becoming unavailable to him more and more until I finally left. But she did provide me with the validation that I wanted.

        My mother often acts insane and I don’t understand what makes her do what she does. Like we come from different planets and we just can’t see eye to eye. Also, she can be very passive aggressive to me and always was. But then there are periods of “normalcy” and she can be very insightful. During these times we often agree when we have discussions about things and people. It is during her normal times when I receive some calm in my life and respite from the other nut jobs that surround me.

        1. lisk says:

          njphilly, my guess is your mother doesn’t understand what makes her do what she does, either!

          1. njfilly says:

            Yes, it’s clear that she doesn’t.

        2. FoolMe1Time says:

          njf
          Are you sure your Mother is a narcissist? Perhaps the way she acted was from living with your Father who was a narcissist. I know it might sound crazy but this is something that was just discussed not that long ago.

          1. njfilly says:

            FM1T: I’m not positive, and no that doesn’t sound crazy. I understand what you are saying. But she has always been very passive aggressive to me and always with the silent treatments when I was young, she uses me as bait to my abusive father, sicknesses (possibly imagined) making the household revolve around her, and spinning wheels and complicating issues in ways that I can’t even explain but never resolving anything or getting things done. I may eventually do a NDC on her, after my consultations about myself. I would rather concentrate on myself now, trying to decipher things about me.

          2. FoolMe1Time says:

            Working on yourself is the most important thing you can do njfilly. You will get through this and find your peace.

          3. njfilly says:

            Thank you, FM1T.

            I am peeling back the layers of my personality, one at a time, with the help of Mr. HG Tudor, to determine what makes me operate the way I do. It’s crazy that he knows more about me than I do.

  32. Supernova DE says:

    Boom!!! I need this like I need air. I’ll get on it tomorrow once I’m back from my trip.

    I do want to say HG that I’ve found these recent bulletins helpful. Since I’ve been with you close to two years now, some of it is review/confirmation of what I already have learned from you. But hearing you say it out loud along with the vivid examples and scenarios you give have helped me deepen my understanding. Well worth the cost!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Jolly good, I am pleased to read that.

      1. FoolMe1Time says:

        I have found being able to listen to you on the bulletins has helped me tremendously HG. I realize some of it is review but I either missed it completely when I was reading it, or I didn’t understand it. I guess it could also be that powerful voice and hanging on to your every word?!
        This bulletin will be moved to the top of my list now that my list has been shortened immensely! I wasn’t going to say anything but I cannot let it go! Who ever purchased the AP package and also the ET bulletins for me, I cannot Thank you enough! This has been a very tough year for myself and my family, however I finally see a glimmer of hope and should be back on track within a few months. (perhaps not even that long ) I promise I will pay your beautiful act of kindness forward! Thank you so very very much! 😘💞

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Good to see FM1T

  33. Dolores Haze says:

    Dear HG, your work has been so effective and helped my progress so much that I don’t need this one anymore.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good to read.

    2. Lorelei says:

      I want a dust bag if I’m on a shelf so that when I’m unwrapped it’s sparkling and glistening like new!

      1. FoolMe1Time says:

        Lorelei that’s exactly how the narcissist sees you when he takes you off of the shelf, shining and sparkling just like a brand new appliance. You are so much more better then that! 💞

        1. Lorelei says:

          I’m so mad at you for this SPK issue! In Lowe’s and it’s all I see in the check out! You’ve implanted this seed, this obsession! Haha

          1. FoolMe1Time says:

            I haven’t had any since New Years! It’s not my fault, it’s the company that makes them!!
            Thanks a lot Lorelei, now I want some!! Ha ha!

          2. Lorelei says:

            Blame shifting!

          3. FoolMe1Time says:

            Ha ha!

          4. FoolMe1Time says:

            Wait! You’re at Lowe’s? Rotfl

          5. Lorelei says:

            Had a gift card from their F up. It’s glorious because they gave me free money! Got a new fire pit, my wrk out buddy is putting it together tonight. 🙂 My old one was gross and old.

          6. FoolMe1Time says:

            Your old work out buddy was gross and old? If that’s the case I’d want a new one to!

          7. Lorelei says:

            No no the old fire pit was old. The work out guy looks
            like Hercules and he’s a somatic empath. He’s a wonderful friend and did a nice job. I put a food basket together for him because he eats about 5000 calories a day! I actually ate my entire kitchen because I was so hungry while he was here! Obviously we have surpassed me having to be shy! #friendzone

          8. FoolMe1Time says:

            I actually knew what you were talking about, I just wanted see you explain it! Hahaha

          9. Lorelei says:

            Yeah yeah, you know Hercules needs redirection!

          10. FoolMe1Time says:

            Absolutely! He picks them up and puts them down! Hahaha

          11. Lorelei says:

            He carried a dresser out to the curb for me and moved other stuff. It takes a village to raise Lorelei.

          12. FoolMe1Time says:

            To raise Lorelei’s furniture anyhow! Ha ha

          13. Lorelei says:

            I adore the people at the gym—it’s family-like. One guy dead lifts 1000 lbs (it doesn’t look easy)—he is helping move some furniture soon. And I just feed them is all.

          14. FoolMe1Time says:

            My son in law lifts heavy weights and honestly I wouldn’t want to cook for him all of the time!! They can eat!!

          15. Lorelei says:

            I hate weights! They are heavy!

          16. FoolMe1Time says:

            Yep! And with that comment I’m done! 🤦🏼‍♀️

          17. Lorelei says:

            After the gym this morning Hercules and I went to Lowe’s and found some more things for him to assemble! It was a fun time. Have a good day Foolme! I’m now studying and I’m outta here for a bit.

          18. FoolMe1Time says:

            Lorelei I’m happy that you are having a good day! It was also great to read how you overcame the ET that was creeping up on you because of the situation with your Mother and also the Cats. I hope your day continues to be amazing!!

          19. Lorelei says:

            University mail has deleted 7000 accounts and I’m hold or I wouldn’t be on here!

          20. FoolMe1Time says:

            You hope you get it straightened out.

          21. Lorelei says:

            Yes and I’m working late to obtain research articles to support my research project. Proposal due at midnight. Not hard, just time. It’s in my head..

          22. FoolMe1Time says:

            That last comment should have been, I hope you get it straightened out. You got this!!

      2. Dolores Haze says:

        Lorelei, the problem is you’re suffocating in this bag while waiting to be unwrapped. The only way is off the shelf, out of the window, out of sight; so when he comes back to hoover the shelf there’s nothing left but dust.

        1. Lorelei says:

          Don’t I know!

  34. MB says:

    Two files?!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      …are better than one!

      1. MB says:

        Absolutely! Happy Monday to me!!

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