“You don’t want to end up like him do you now?”

Years later those words still echo through my mind. They act as some cruel guardian which ensures that I will never stumble, never flounder and never fall victim to the injustices which this world has in store for me. I was shown what happens to those who are weak, those who fail to seize control and grasp the power for themselves. The consequences of failure were paraded before me on an almost daily basis to allow me to witness the full horror of what it was to be sub-standard, below par and just not good enough.

I knew that this fate must not befall me and that it became necessary for me to clamber higher than everybody else no matter what it took or what the cost was. So long as there was somebody underneath me on that ladder as I climbed, then, as they saying goes, the devil would take the hindmost.

Onwards and upwards, climbing higher and higher to escape the consequences of vulnerability, weakness and failure. I was given a swift induction into learning how to stay ahead and protect myself. There were two routes available to ensure that you stayed number one and the best. Strive to stay ahead of the opposition and by the opposition I was taught that this means everybody else and furthermore bring the opposition down so that they become subsumed into the quagmire of failure.

If your opponent is taller, chop him off at the knees. If he is better looking, fling acid in his face. If he is smarter, batter his brains out. If he is stronger, poison him into weakness. If he is wealthier, sap him of penny and cent. If he lives in a pleasant place, pollute the neighbourhood. If he has a good job, get him sacked.

Figuratively speaking some of the time of course and that means to do all of those things, that it is necessary to play the scapegoat card. Become proficient at pointing the finger elsewhere, cultivate persuasiveness so that the allocation of blame falls on the shoulders of another, practise plausible deniability so the mantle of fault never rests on my head. Never be the one at fault. Ever. Those were my instructions.

The indoctrination continued. You are not to blame, you are not guilty, you are not the problem, you did not cause the problem either. Erase sorry from your vocabulary as you do not feel it, remove the idea of apologising as you have nothing to apologise for, do not express anything which might be regarded as guilt as that is an alien concept.

There is always somebody else who can be blamed. It does not take long for the repeated mantra of it never being my fault to engender that sense of impregnability and a lack of accountability. Since it is the fault of everyone else it is impeccable logic is it not that it can never be my fault? It therefore follows that if it is never my fault then such a fault-free individual is truly superior and stands above all others.

To facilitate this it therefore becomes necessary to identify a scapegoat or more accurately scapegoats. The role of scapegoat slots seamlessly into our thinking. Fault is an intangible concept but it exists. Someone is always to blame. I was taught that from the beginning.

Things do not just happen, they happen for a reason and the reason that she was always crying, that he was always failing, that they were socially ostracised, that she could not pass her exam, that he never scored a goal, that they never went on holiday, that he could not hold down a job, that she was a single mother, that he had a drink problem, that she was ugly, that he lived in a poor area, that she was never invited out, that he died alone, that she was beaten, that he was arrested, that she was raped, that he was murdered was because they were scapegoats.

Make others the scapegoat and immunity from fault and blame follows and thus one can move without hindrance, barrier or boundary. Make him or her a scapegoat because if you do not get in first they will do it to you. Make sure you blame them before they can turn that accusing eye in your direction. Stay one, no ten, steps ahead. They deserve to be blamed. If they had any value they would not be stigmatised in such a fashion, it is their own fault.

I learnt that they may come with smiles but the blade of blame is held behind their back ready to strike, so plunger your dagger of fault deep into them first. Do not be taken in by the false proclamations of love and compassion, they are but veils to place across my eyes so a crown of accountability can be thrust on my head.

Soon, the lessons that I learned began to automatically teach me. Not feeling enough attention at a party? The guests are ignorant and impolite. Tell one that this is a case and see how the attention shifts. Served slowly at the bar? The bar man is incompetent and he should be reminded of this fact. See how he has responded now?

Report not completed on time? Find a junior colleague and point out how he has failed to provide the necessary information. Criticised for not earning enough? Blame the bosses for running the company into the ground and failing to reward an achiever such as I. Feeling restless and unloved? Lash out at her so she seeks to make amends. Stuck in a traffic jam? Blame the department of transport for the ill-thought out road works.

Struggling to sleep? Must be those damned neighbours and their late-night music, go and give them a piece of your mind and see how much better you feel when you point out they are at fault.

But what if it is not those things and it is because I am not interesting enough to talk to, or not attractive enough to catch the server’s eye, or not good enough at my job, or not hitting the targets because I cannot apply the required effort, or because I do not show her any affection any longer, or because I set off late from the house, or because I fell asleep this afternoon?

Never. That is what they want you to think. That is the control that they seek to exert over you. That is how they get inside your mind and try to make you think that you are weak, when you are not. Remember, they want you to be the scapegoat. They want you to be the failure, they want you to be the subject of their blaming, so you take the rap, take the hit and become the patsy. Yes, you are right, I remember now.

The diktat still resonates even now, reminding and emphasising. That is not your role. You are better than all of them. You will rise above them and to do that you must work hard at everything and ensure that they are the ones who are to blame, because they are. They are the ones who are trying to stop you achieving and claiming what is rightfully yours. They are the traitors, the insidious foes, the treacherous betrayers who spout sedition and practise disloyalty. Let them know who they are, scapegoat them.

Thus this carries into everything that we do. We find a scapegoat in every aspect of our lives. The put-upon sibling, the browbeaten colleague, the lambasted neighbour, the oddball in the local superstore, the subjugated underling, the butt of the social circle and most of all you, the intimate partner who becomes the ultimate scapegoat.

It is you that becomes the receptacle for our domineering, hectoring, nagging, bullying, blaming, intimidating, coercing, blaming, accusing, menacing, terrorising, bludgeoning and oppressive persecutions.

You burnt dinner, you made the white shirt turn pink, you forgot to get that present that we wanted, you failed to satisfy our sexual appetite, you made us be unfaithful, you made us break that mirror, you made us slap you, you made us ill, you made our team lose, you cost us that promotion, you woke us too early, you woke us too late, you let us fall asleep, you kept us awake, you didn’t do it, you did it. Again.

This conditioning ensured that the only way to stay ahead, to win and to succeed was to find someone else to blame and that does not change because we know you are just waiting to try to blame us, well we know your game. We have you in our eyes and it is you who is to blame, not us.

The only way to prevent the hell of being a scapegoat is to make others a scapegoat instead.

And so I do as I do, I say as I say and I am what I am so that I do not end up like him, like her, like them, like you.

Can you really blame me for doing that?

13 thoughts on “Scapegoat

  1. lisk says:


  2. DrHouse says:

    Can one generally trust the scapegoat?

    How would you know if she was raped or lied?

    1. Renarde says:


      That is a very strange question.

      The general rule of thumb is that you ALWAYS believe a rape Survivour because the ones that are lying are immensely dwarfed than those that arent.

      1. DrHouse says:

        These were two questions actually.

        One: Can you trust the scapegoat generally?

        The second question, how does one know if the narc really was raped or it was a cover up? Is there a way to tell?

        1. Renarde says:


          What part if what I’ve written do you not understand?

          Are you REALLY that stupid?

          So once again for the peanut gallery.

          Always ALWAYS believe a person who has said they have been raped. Even a narc can be raped.

          There is no way to tell. Narcs lie. Empaths lie. MOST people who report rape are telling the truth. Believe them.

          Scapegoat question is odd. Unless you provide background and colour, no one can know. For certain.

          I’ll tell you sommet though bud, from where I am sitting, you’re not exactly a bag of chips.

          Think on.

        2. Violetta says:

          Vaginal/anal tearing and/or bruising are usually good signs. If participants are going to engage in BDSM, they should have specific contracts about what is to happen and what is not, as well as safe words. (Not into it myself, but know several people who are.)

          As for historic rapes/molestations, there will be a pattern. People don’t stop being skeevs. When one person comes forwards, others will follow, if there are any. You will note that when Narcs Amber Heard and Heather Mills claimed their respective spouses were beating them, none of Depp’s or McCartney’s exes mentioned similar behavior. Some even made specific statements that they had NOT experienced or witnessed abuse from the man.

          In contrast, there were well-established patterns of abuse for Axel Rose and John Lennon.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            One has to exercise caution however with regard to indications such as tearing. A mature lady who has had three children could be raped and show no physical signs of force in the genital area, yet she has been raped. A young woman with an inexperienced and enthusiastic young man could engage in consensual sex and experience tearing. This is another aspect of why unsuccessful prosecutions (and miscarriages of justice) occur.

          2. Violetta says:

            Good points, HG. Unfortunately, pain isn’t always demonstrated by physical damage. Sex workers usually have vaginal dysplasia, but that doesn’t mean being sexually assaulted doesn’t hurt, and of course it’s terrifying regardless.

            As for the second instance you’ve mentioned, Sylvia Plath’s perfectly consensual defloration involved a hemorrhage that put her in the hospital. In The Bell Jar, her alter-ego tells the guy she never wants to see him again, but in real life, she met with him a few more times, presumably to see if she’d get to like it any better. (She eventually did, but not with him.)

          3. Renarde says:

            Bang on HG.

            Proof of sex just simply removes the point that two people did have sex.

            I’ve been raped at least twice.

            The first time, the UMS had a pattern of interfering with me in my sleep. I cannot prove it but I’m pretty sure he was drugging me. This is far more common than people think. This would happen on friday and saturday nights. No other narc has done this because most of them are middles.

            The second time happened in the middle of a day. This individual knew my BDSM limits list.

            He perpursly put me into an altered state called ‘sub space’ when you are in this state you have become incapable of giving informed consent.

            That didn’t stop him.

            When I attempted to talk to him about what had happened (this is absolutely standard in BDSM circles) he refused.

            I reported both of these individuals to the police and whilst they were kind, they didnt want to know.

            And even if you can garner the magical unicorn of prosecution and trial, so many rape survivours say it wasnt worth it. To be torn apart but some UMC Barrister who knows damn well his client is guilty.

            And even more damingly, rape survivours are told NOT to seek therapeutic help pre trial otherwise it might go against them.

            I now know what position I will take on rape.

            Frankly, it’s not pretty. If the law cannot help us then, well…

  3. Bernadette says:

    Perfectly written, HG!

    In a wider scope of life context, this theme lifted the heavy invisible of scapegoat viel — as the ‘odd woman to be singled out’ and told to my face that I am a threat in their community and other hurtful exclusionary statements without evidence. Racial profiling by a dominant tribe of entitled Narcissists (all skin colors) towards a perceived easy target is a sadistic act.

    I now understand, HG and team. Grateful for your grounding honesty.

  4. Liza says:

    Makes me think of a colleague, if something goes well it is thanks to him, and if something goes wrong, the entire team is at fault exept him of course, he did evrything perfectly.

  5. Violetta says:

    ‘The nearest of those old ones is Napoleon. We know that because two chaps made the journey to see him. They’d started long before I came, of course, but I was there when they came back.’ …
    ‘But they got there?’
    ‘That’s right. He’d built himself a huge house all in the Empire style—rows of windows flaming with light….’
    ‘Did they see Napoleon?’
    ‘That’s right. They went up and looked through one of the windows. Napoleon was there all right.’
    ‘What was he doing?’
    ‘Walking up and down—up and down all the time— left-right, left-right—never stopping for a moment. The two chaps watched him for about a year and he never rested. And muttering to himself all the time. “It was Soult’s fault. It was Ney’s fault. It was Josephine’s fault. It was the fault of the Russians. It was the fault of the English.” Like that all the time. Never stopped for a moment. A little, fat man and he looked kind of tired. But he didn’t seem able to stop it.’

    -C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

    1. Renarde says:


      Wise words. Funny, I was thinking about Napolean the other day, ‘Not tonight, Josephine!’

      Strange fella. UMC?

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