Why Does the Narcissist Seem So Odd?
It is accurate to state that we operate in three essential states. There are varying degrees within those states, differing levels of intensity which are affected by factors such as the type of narcissist that we are, what we require from you, the level of empathic individual you are as well as several others.
Nevertheless, there are three basic states.
The first, as you would expect, is the golden setting. We are at our most wonderful, most brilliant and most loving when in this state. This always appears during our seduction of you and we will reinstate it from time to time and often when we hoover you in order to suck you back in and keep you hanging on to us.
The second is the dark setting when we instigate our devaluation of you. This dark setting allows us to deploy our various machinations against you, a variety of different manipulations as the abuse begins and we make your life particularly unpleasant. This requires effort and energy on our part and whilst we will be rewarded with fuel, a certain degree of application is required to use these manipulations against you. When we unveil our dark setting it is upsetting and confusing but often you will find some reason to explain our behaviour.
It is usually the wrong reason but you will find one nevertheless as you like to understand and have a reason to explain why someone is behaving in a certain way towards you – you decide we are stressed, tired, hungover, in need of affection or perhaps you are unduly harsh on yourselves so that you, in that usual empathic manner, blame yourself for the behaviour we have meted out against you. Perhaps you did not listen when you ought to have done, perhaps you should have realised that we wanted to go out tonight, or that we would not want chicken for a second time this week.
There is a third setting and this often proves more confusing than our unpleasant dark setting. This setting might be regarded as a neutral setting, somewhere between the golden and the dark, but it is not. This setting is on the road to the dark setting and is closer to that than the golden. This particular setting is the stranger setting.
There will be times when we do not wish to apply considerable energy to our continued devaluation of you, but the devaluation must continue. It may not be as harsh, since there is no shouting, no violence, no insults and such like.
It is not the golden period because we show no affection, we do not do things for you and we do not exhibit any of the charm that once flowed so readily from us. During this stranger setting we are neither wonderful nor awful but we behave like someone who doesn’t really know you and you are certainly left feeling like you are dealing with somebody else.
If you telephone us we will not dole out a silent treatment and ignore your repeated calls. We will not answer in less than a ring and speak to you with affection and enthusiasm, instead we answer and engage in a monosyllabic conversation. It is like drawing teeth. We confirm that nothing is wrong and you may think there is but we have not responded angrily or harshly.
We have not accused you of anything, we have not labelled you in some way but the conversation is flat. It is as if our personality, whether golden or dark has vanished and left almost an automaton in its place. We function, we talk about our day but with little detail and certainly no enthusiasm. We ask questions of you but they are polite and perfunctory as if we are just going through the motions. There is no nastiness, no backbiting or sneering. It is difficult to process because it is not nothing, that cannot be the case because we are talking to you, but it feels like nothing.
We may call around to see you but it feels like an inspector has called around. We sit, we decline a drink that you offer us and we answer your questions without offering you anything much in return.
Where has the charmer gone? Where has the monster gone? Who is this stranger that looks like us, sounds like us but is not behaving like us? You cannot accuse us of being unpleasant but it feels unpleasant because you are dealing with someone you do not recognise. Any questions about what is wrong with us are politely answered and you are assured there is not a problem, but we seem lifeless. You flatter us, compliment us and whilst we accept them there is no spark of interest, there is no response.
Why are we like this? Why is this being done? Why do we seem like someone else? It is as if we have been abducted by aliens in the night and replaced with a robot which is neither wonderful nor savage but is frustratingly something else.
This third setting occurs during the devaluation period. It is not a respite from devaluation as that is the golden setting once more. It is clearly not the dark setting as that is the rolling out of nastiness and abuse. This third setting is an indicator of the calm before the storm.
Whilst there are occasions where we might switch from golden to dark setting in the blink of an eye, this third setting is used when we wish to conserve energy in readiness for unleashing a particular savage next stage in the devaluation as we will move to the dark setting and crank it up to eleven. You are not cruising along being driven by fair winds, nor are you being thrown up and down buffeted by a storm, instead you are becalmed or moved along by a weak breeze.
This is the time we are girding our loins, gathering information and plotting. The switch of functions to the organisation and scheming of what is to come, along with the intense outpouring of energy required to sustain the vicious intensifying of this devaluation means we adopt this near automatic state. You may not ever see this happen dependent on the nature of the narcissist you have become entangled with, but when you do, you should be aware that a storm is brewing and not just any old storm but a supercell storm of savage and damaging proportions.
This is a warning.
17 thoughts on “Why Does the Narcissist Seem So Odd?”
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Tired,
I had the divorce package for months before I got up the nerve to listen to it due to pure fear of what is to come. When I finally did I felt such relief becuase it eradicated many of the unrealistic thoughts I had about what I expected to happen and how I wanted to handle things. Knowledge is power and will help you not inly move forward but eleviate some of your ET becaue you will know what to anticipate.
Dear Mr. HG Tudor:
My two questions from the Q&A which I post here randomly:
1) Are you still in therapy with the good doctors?
2) What people in your life, besides the doctors, are aware of your blog, books, videos, etc?
Thank you, if you choose to answer.
1. Yes.
2. Nobody is.
I understand why, but it is a shame nobody knows as I’m sure they would be very impressed.
That is kind of you, I have no need to impress them.
HG,
I feel sick after reading that. That’s where I am now. It’s calm , after some brutal raging and ST’s.
I’ve been here before in years past , back and forth, up and down. In the past it has returned to the golden period again ( for years) and all seemingly well, until the next time. I always thought the behavior was a direct correlation to the increase in his substance abuse. Substance abuse up , behavior awful, substance abuse down, behavior back to “ normal “.
1: can this happen multiple times in a long term marriage?
2: what special indication is there that he’s gearing up for a final discard ?
3: you say they’re “ plotting “ here. I thought it’s instinct and they don’t plot ? Although I most definitely think my narc does plot to intentionally deceive me, secret email accounts, secret cell phones etc – the usual as far as affairs go.
1. Yes.
2. Usually there is not one and why bother looking for it, GOSO.
3. The narcissism (which operates unconsciously) is plotting. You need to organise a Narc Detector Consultation and an audio consultation as a priority.
HG,
Thank you.
I am very much looking forward to consulting with you.
Your insight on narcissism amazes me, I just wish it wasn’t so confusing.
I hope once I do the narc detector and you can tell me his schools , cadres etc- that I will be able to better understand what the hell is happening .
My emotional thinking fluctuates. My emotions are all over the place, one day angry, next Day distraught, next day afraid. I’m sure that’s apparent in my posts .
Indeed it is.
Rather than keep posting and remaining gripped by a sense of a lack of control and confusion, understand the only person you can control is you. Therefore you can take the steps to remedy this.
1. Organise the NDC today. You will then understand what you are dealing with, why and where appropriate the school and cadre. This will provide a significant injection of logic.
2. Organise an audio consultation and then we can start getting your ET under control.
If you do not do the above, progress will be slow, if not non-existent given the position you are in, as evidence by what you have written.
HG,
Thank you.
I realise I cannot control anyone other than myself. While we are still living under the same roof I would like learn better how to manipulate ( for lack of a better word) his behaviors towards me when he attempts to upset me.
It’s calm here now since he’s been completely ignoring his DLS since lockdown began. I do not know why he’s ignoring her, but I’m glad he is because he’s been much nicer to me. If he was being a bastard to me on lockdown, I wouldn’t be able to cope with it, 24/7.
I will take steps over the next few days to organise the narc detector .
I will have to wait until he goes back to work before I can do the audio consultation. Praying that’s soon!
“I realise I cannot control anyone other than myself. While we are still living under the same roof I would like learn better how to manipulate ( for lack of a better word) his behaviors towards me when he attempts to upset me.”
No. That is Emotional Thinking.
“It’s calm here now since he’s been completely ignoring his DLS since lockdown began.” You do not know that for certain.
I do not know why he’s ignoring her, but I’m glad he is because he’s been much nicer to me.” You are still being manipulated and you are falling for it.
” If he was being a bastard to me on lockdown, I wouldn’t be able to cope with it, 24/7.” If you apply GOSO, you do not have to.
Take the steps now, stop delaying.
HG,
I do know for certain he’s not had any contact with her since lockdown. I can’t say how here.
Why is it ET to want to “ manipulate” him to make my life more peaceful while we still have to live under the same roof?
I think I do realise he’s manipulating me with his “ nice” behavior. I no longer trust the nice treatment, I know it could flip around a second later. However, being locked down with him I am grateful there haven’t been any rows.
GOSO , I’m not ready, emotionally, or financially. I need to get my ducks in a row. I need to do it strategically, and with zero wiggle room for him. I want him cornered.
I’ve read that divorce can be more traumatic in some cases than mourning the death of a loved one. I believe it. I think I’d be less upset if he dropped dead. How sad is that?!
Because you cannot achieve that and you being misled into remaining when you should be going.
As for divorce, do you know why it is more traumatic – because it involves narcissists. Read “Why Is Divorce So Hard.”
HG,
What’s not possible, to manipulate him , or to be strategic in planning a divorce to make sure he’s cornered?
I don’t remember what articles here I read it on but I remember one saying they could be manipulated, flip it over onto them. Maybe it is in one of your books ? I don’t remember. You probably advised against it though.
I’m sure I’ve read the article you mentioned, but I will read it again.
I know plenty of people who had simple divorces, no fighting, just went their separate ways. I know 1 or 2 where they were protracted, and vicious, and they didn’t need to be. Probably narcs like you said.
When I get to that point I will absolutely do a consult with my attorney and you. I want my attorney to know exactly what I’m up against.
You should start marketing yourself to attorneys, you’d make a bloody fortune!
I already do advise some attorneys.
Thank you for this explanation of what is an utter mindfuck state of play. It’s where I’m at after moving 80 miles from him and not formally ending the relationship because I won’t give it up so that he can be the victim.
CL-E
He was never the victim. In his mind he always was and always will be the victim. You screwed him over after he gave you everything
Until you let go…you are only hurting yourself. He will be back and the cycle will repeat. 80 miles is a drop in the ocean
You are the victim…always were and always will be. Read here and consult with HG