The Desire To Destroy the Narcissist

 

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I know you hate me. Your kind are filled with love and then filled with hate. There is no need to deny it. It is a normal reaction for someone like you and one which I entirely endorse and encourage.

I know you will try and mask that burning anger that you feel by saying you pity me or that you have nothing but contempt for me but I can see it. Those sensational eyes of yours that once blazed with desire, passion and most of all hope, are now filled with the churning, billowing flames of hatred.

Some of you will fight to contain this sensation. You fear that by giving in to this hatred that you will somehow be on a level with me. I can ease your fears in that regard. You are nowhere near my level and nor were you. I placed you far higher than me to begin with. Yes it was artificial and all part of my design but you had no complaint then did you? You did not object or demur when I thrust you skywards and planted you on that pedestal. Of course you did not.

Who would?

Nobody would and least of all somebody like you. Now you are on your true level, way down below me, cast onto stony ground, broken and shattered. Amazing though isn’t it how you managed to summon such an anger from somewhere. How many times had you said to your confidantes that you felt numb (yes they were reporting back to me). Yet now look at you. A seething, glowering fireball of hatred and it is all directed at me. I adore this.

You want to destroy me. I know you do. You all do. The one before you was exactly the same as the one before was and the one before her. The next one will be just the same,although I do still hold out some hope that she might just be different and somehow avoid the mistakes all those who have gone before have made.

I have seen this hatred many times and your desire for revenge is strong. Of course it is. I made it this way. Everything I did as I brought you down low was programmed to cause you to eventually explode into hatred. From elation to despair, through broken to numb. Eventually the switch would be flicked and as puppet master I ignite the fire beneath you which stokes the flames of hatred.

Despise me, go on, do it. Send those wicked words towards me. Tell me what a bastard I am. Keep it coming. Pull your hair, wave your fist and stamp your feet. Tell me how you are going to scratch my car. Feels good does it not? Believe me, it feels even better being on the receiving end of your bile and hate.

Go on, sit with your friends and plot your revenge, I can feel you all huddled around your cauldron as you try and concoct ways at getting back at me. I feel so powerful knowing you are focussed on seeking retribution. This is what I want. I want to bask in the heat of your anger, I want to be covered in the disgust and distaste that you will spew towards me.

I want you scheming, hatching and planning. By hurting you so deeply I plant inside you that overwhelming desire to get even with me. It happens every time and is all part of my master plan to ensure you, my beautiful appliance keep pouring fuel in my direction. I make you seek revenge for in doing so, your planning and ham-fisted execution of the same give me what I want. Fuel.

You are blinded with your hatred so that you fail to realise you will not succeed in gaining revenge, not by shouting, spitting and scratching. Oh no, this overload of howling anger is just a banshee of fuel to me. I will twist and shift as I thwart your attempts, laughing at your pathetic efforts to try and get one over on me. This will spur you on as I lead you on yet another merry dance as I continue to take from you exactly what I need.

All you will do by obsessing over trying to bring me down is remain ensnared. True, we may no longer be in a Formal Relationship as husband and wife any longer, but you are continuing to engage with me. You are thinking about how to bring me down, you are discussing how hateful I am with your friends, you are stalking my online activity, you drive past where I work and where I live to see what I am doing as you plot and hatch.

All you are doing is keeping me alive in your mind, making it easier and easier for me to stay there. Your emotional thinking was too high to begin with as a consequence of the ensnarement and then the unanswered questions when I disengaged from you. You failed to drain your emotional thinking.

You failed to allow your logic to gain any kind of foothold. You have read, watched and listened but there is no room for it to sink in because your emotional thinking was too high and furthermore it remains too high. It remains too high because your desire to destroy me, to exact revenge and see me suffer keeps feeding that emotional thinking.

Round and round your thoughts go. You think you are feeling better, no longer sad, no longer hurting, but the anger that has replaced those feelings (or perhaps has temporarily overridden them) means that you have lost insight.

Your emotional thinking has you in its grip. It, in its usual cunning way, has conned you into thinking that you have moved forward by causing you to think that this anger, this planning, this desire to destroy is evidence of progress and recovery.

It is not.

It is too soon. Too soon from your disengagement. Too soon from your escape. Too soon from the hoovering.

All you are doing is engaging with me once more. My reactions may seem one of anger and irritation, but that is just my self-defence mechanism responding in order to assert my superiority once again as I draw on your Challenge Fuel. You are not wounding me. I repeat, you are not wounding me.

Your attacks against me are surrounded by venom, anger and annoyance. Thus it is Challenge Fuel. This just fuels me and my responses cause you to think you are getting to me, you are not, those reactions are designed, an instinctive response by my narcissism, to make you think you are getting somewhere, to make you give me more fuel and to allow me to assert my superiority over you as that must always be done.

Your desire for revenge is premature. You must reduce your emotional thinking through a robust no contact, you must build your Logic Defences and allow them to gain a foothold and then bring that reduced emotional thinking under control. This takes time, many months, to achieve.

Yet once done, with that emotional thinking at a far lower level and with logic prevailing, any remaining desire to destroy (and often it has now faded with the diminution of emotional thinking) means that it will be deployed from a distance, with cool, hard calculation and if you do so in accordance with the steps set out in my work Revenge then you will avoid being ensnared, you will avoid messing up the revenge campaign and you are far, far more likely to meet with success.

But if you fail to heed these wise words and think you know better. If you think you are ready now to effect revenge, with ill-preparation and rampant emotional thinking then please do seek it.

You will not get it.

8 thoughts on “The Desire To Destroy the Narcissist

  1. narcsurvivor030414 says:

    I have been battling this on and off especially when I found out the Narcissist had cancer. The thought of possibly losing him was devastating. I felt that he became even worse when he had cancer. He was positive and had a different demeanor in front of people about it. However with me he became more cold and cruel. I was subjected to more silent treatments, insults and triangulation. It almost felt like he blamed me for his cancer. He even would make comments pointing at his arm where he had bruises from when they drew blood and he said to me look what you did to my arm. It is your fault. It was always in a joking way. I would be his IPSS as he has a IPPS in his life of 20 years. Why would the narcissist act this way with me when I have been checking in on him constantly to see how he is? How does battling cancer affect the narcissist?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Your compassion for him is expected because of his sense of entitlement, but because of his absence of emotional empathy and an absence of accountability, you are to receive no thanks for it.
      Battling cancer provides something for the narcissist to use as a means to control other people through Provocation, Insult, Triangulation, Pity Play and Use of Illness.

      1. DrHouse says:

        Hg, what was sickest you have seen a narc pull to gain pity?
        Also how does another narc reacts when he sees you?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          What do you mean by sickest?
          They usually bow.

  2. Tired says:

    Certainly I have moments of anger , but I don’t think I hate you. You will never hear me screaming like a banshee, I however have heard you screaming like one on more occasions than I care to count.

    I don’t want revenge on you, per say – I want the truth about you and what you’ve done revealed to everyone. That’s it , just the truth, a word you’re not familiar with.

    You never see me glaring at you with hateful eyes. you look at me now as though you are trying to figure out what I’m thinking or feeling, but you cannot quite put your finger on it , and I’ll never tell you. You feel a shift in me , but you don’t know why. I realise now the importance of the element of surprise, and boy are you in for a shock !
    I don’t have to think about how I’m going to bring you down, I have so much proof of your wrongdoing, you’re going to drown in a sea of it . It was all your doing.

    I will not take to driving past wherever it is you wind up , that’s your modus operandi , not mine. I won’t look at your social media, once you’re gone I don’t care who you’re with. What’s the point ? with the plethora of secret email accounts and fake profiles you have, one has to assume whatever you post is all a lie anyway.
    You think I enjoy having you home during this quarantine, think again, I cannot wait until you go back to your office. I used to love having you home and dreaded when you’d have to be away for business.
    The past few years the opposite is true. When you are home I have a unsettled feeling, more recently having you home makes me feel physically ill . When I am apart from you for a few hours surrounded by family and friends who love me , I feel like myself again. I know it would kill you with envy and loathing to know all of that, but I won’t tell you. You’ll see that for yourself in the future. You’ll see me shine, from a distance.

    You asked me once many years ago if I loved you with my whole heart, I told you, “ No” . I told you that I would reserve a small part of my heart for me. You asked me “ why?!” I told you because if you ever broke my heart you wouldn’t get all of it , that I’d have enough left to heal it and be whole again without you. Smart move on my part . I always felt something was off about you.
    You may have temporarily paralyzed me with your insanity, but rest assured, you will NEVER break me.

    We reap what we sow in this world, and your future isn’t looking very promising for you. Mine is looking up as each day passes.

  3. christianmelchizedek says:

    Calculating probabilities

  4. DrHouse says:

    What would you change about your treatment?
    What kind of stimulants are you taking?

  5. Fiddleress says:

    Very early on, I instinctively refrained from providing any negative fuel (as I now understand). I was often hurt, shocked, sad, horrified, and more and more so, yet I decided to show nothing. Not even post escape. I must have been a real letdown for him in that respect because I can see now that he loved, absolutely thrived on, negative fuel.

    On a lighter note: I do quite a bit of hiking, and I suddenly took to running to channel all that awful energy that was taking over (before I found this blog) when I was trying to escape. I reckon I avoided the worst, for myself, this way, because all the hurt etc simply built up in me, and I was an emotional wreck by the end of that ‘relationship’.

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