Why Haven’t I Heard From the Narcissist?


The infamous hoover is widely-used and once people learn to recognise the various hoovers that we deploy they can often be seen coming thick and fast following your escape from us or if you have been discarded.  Every so often however some people point out that they have not have been hoovered. The narcissist in their life just vanished and the victim only realised after the event that they had been callously discarded. The victim has heard nothing from the narcissist ever since and cannot even locate him or her. It is rarer, but it might even happen when you escape our clutches, instigate no contact as best you can but you expect a hoover to happen because he knows where you live or she works near to where you work. Surely that hoover will be coming? Usually it does. Usually there is the initial grand hoover which is a forceful and frenetic attempt to win you back, in effect, when you have sought to escape us. If we disengaged from you, when we decide we want some hoover fuel perhaps as part of a triangulation with the new primary source, we come looking for you pledging a new start and issuing promises to change as part of a benign hoover. Resist that and the malign hoover may make an appearance as you are berated and denigrated in order to punish you and draw negative fuel from you. However, what does it mean if there has been nothing but silence? Is that it? Are you free? Have you beat your narcissist?

When the expected hoover fails to manifest in the days and weeks after escape or disengagement there are differing reasons as to why this is the case. Those reasons are as follows: –

  1. If you have been disengaged from and not heard from us, then there is a high chance that we are revelling in the positive fuel from the new target that we selected. This person was courted by us during your devaluation as we tired of your increasingly stale fuel. They were lined-up, seduced and drawn into our web. Their seduction was effected without you being aware and once we were content that this person had been plugged in to us and was pumping out the required fuel we disengaged from you as we no longer had any use for you. We regarded you as never having existed. You have not heard from us because we have a new toy and we have no need of you. Consider how long your own golden period was with the relevant narcissist. Was it a year, perhaps it was longer? If so, although there is no guarantee that we will afford the same golden period to each person we ensnare, there will be a similarity. This is because we tend to choose similar types of individuals as our victims and therefore the golden period whilst not identical is likely to be of a similar length. Thus, if your golden period was a year, the golden period for your similar replacement is likely be of a similar length of time. We are delighted with this person, they are wonderful, our soulmate, you know the drill by now. Since this person is the centre of our universe we have no need to trouble you for, say, at least a year, hence you have not heard from us.
  1. If you got rid of us by in effect escaping us and put yourself not beyond total reach but it would be difficult for us to establish contact with you for the purposes of commencing the initial grand hoover against you, then you may not hear from us. This scenario is one whereby you have reduced our spheres of influence and cut off most of the channels of communication. You could be found but the effort required in doing so is beyond the capability of desire of the particular narcissist you were embroiled with. If this person is a lesser or mid-range type of our kind, they are less likely to have the capability to track you down nor the energy to want to do so. The sudden loss of their primary source, because you escaped us,will have them thrown into a panicked state. Your escape is a criticism of us. A massive criticism. This creates a huge wound. This will ignite our fury and we need fuel double quick to cope with this. You cannot be found or reached. We have not had time to put in place a new primary source. In this instance we face a choice. Do we waste energy trying to hoover you when the prospects are slim or do we turn elsewhere for fuel? When dealing with the lesser and mid-range of our kind, the answer will always be that we will turn elsewhere for fuel. This will mean :-
  1. Targeting a new primary source and seducing that person as quickly as possible;
  2. Targeting a new primary source whilst relying on supplementary sources for fuel to keep us “topped up” until such time as the new primary source is attached and providing fuel;
  3. Relying on supplementary sources and withdrawing and stabilising before seeking a new primary source. This scenario causes us to adopt a low profile.

Any of the above permutations means that our focus will be elsewhere and therefore we will appear to have no interest in you.

  1. If you discarded us by escaping and also, as a consequence of your preparedness not only managed to escape effectively but exposed what we are to people who have believed you before we could smear you then you will have caused us massive damage. In such an instance the following would apply:-
  1. We have suffered an immediate cessation of our primary source of fuel and do not have a replacement;
  2. We may well have suffered damage to our supplementary sources who have been shown the truth of what we are;
  3. The wound caused by the criticism caused by your escape AND the exposure to our façade will be huge.

In such circumstances withdrawal would be the only likely option in order to conserve energy (and avoid the risk of continued criticism by engaging with people who now know what we are) to then enable us to find new source of fuel away from what has now become an infected area for us. In a large urban environment this is not such a problem for us, but in a small town or rural community it would necessitate us moving to pastures new.

Accordingly, in this scenario you would not hear from us for some time as we relocate and lick our wounds.

In the second and third scenarios not only is there the fact that we have to spend time finding a new primary source (and thus will not bother with you) but once we have them then we are focused on that person in the golden period and thus the period of time when you do not hear from us may well be extended.

There are three points to bear in mind.

The first is that where you have escaped us the initial grand hoover is more likely to happen than not but if it does not happen, it will be for the reasons detailed above.

The second is that where we have discarded you we often will still hoover you on a malign basis in order to triangulate you with our new primary source. If there is no hoover however then this is because we are engrossed in your replacement and have in effect forgotten about you.

The third point is that you may not have been hoovered for some time but if you appear in our sphere of influence then that hoover will come. It may be months away, maybe even years, but it will come.

Accordingly, when you ask the question, “why haven’t I heard from him?” You really ought to be asking the question,

“Why haven’t I heard from him, yet?”

19 thoughts on “Why Haven’t I Heard From the Narcissist?

  1. Asp Emp says:


    HG, yet another good and detailed comment from yourself. It is well worth the time in reading the older threads of your articles where I come across these ‘nuggets’ of gold. 🙂


    It’s comments like this that make me so thankful for having come across KTN site. Especially at the mention of ‘revelations’ and the ‘finally’ understanding what the experiences were to the point of where it ‘makes sense’.

    I think so few people actually realise the importance of it to me because of the fact I had a near death experience where I was able to acknowledge I had this ‘darkness’ inside me (at the time of the near “experience”) to where I no longer am ‘carrying’ it so that I know I will have a more ‘peaceful’ death when my time finally comes. This is a huge ‘aspect’ to me. And why it matters so much to me to where I no longer have so much unnecessary psycho-babble in my mind, or emotions. For me, I have so many reasons for being thankful for HG’s work existing and for thanking him. It’s called ‘peace of mind’ 🙂

    1. Leolita says:

      I agree, HG explaines so well. I also realise my ET still was rather high from my replies back there 😅

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Thank you for your response, Leolita. It is good that you can see the difference in your ET / LT back then and now 🙂 It means you have moved on, that is good too 🙂

  2. blackcoffee30 says:


    ET question: All other things in the HEC being equal, every time the Nex hoovers it is only because they want ANY fuel, and they think the individual might be “weak” enough to provide some rather than the Nex missing the particular fuel provided, correct?

    I ask because, and I may be misunderstanding, you seem to have differing affinities for different former intimate partners. I’m referring to all types of IP, not sure how the different roles in the fuel matrix would affect any affinity, if there is such a thing.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No. There has been a Hoover Trigger, the HEC has been reached and in order to achieve fuel and control (possibly character traits and residual benefits) a hoover takes place.

  3. Damian says:

    Hi, Nooby here. I am wondering whether the dynamic is different where the disengagement played out ‘amicably’. This in the sense that my Nex withdrew and when essentially establishing that they were not capable of emotional investment, I quietly ‘freed’ them from any such responsibility and peacefully exited their life?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Damian, I need more information (use the consultation options) to give you an accurate reply, however, in broad terms:-

      1. If it really was amicable it is unlikely that you were dealing with a narcissist , or
      2. You were dealing with the narcissist and it was not as amicable as you may have yet to realise.

      1. Alexander Kaufman says:

        Thanks HG. Incredibly, a year on, id like to cover off on my experience. Have ordered a ‘Full Monty’ towhit.

  4. Leolita says:

    You say that exposing wounds. We would all love to do that, but how is that possible, to «Get in first» (before the smear) when Ns usually start smearing before devaluing us? If we cannot expose them until our ET is low and we can act in a ‘composed manner’, that (usually) means we cannot tell anyone / expose them before a significant time has passed (since escape/ disengagement). Can you please elaborate on that?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You should not do this, it is a breach of no contact and invites the Devil´s Pitchfork. You must focus on no contact and the reduction of ET, this takes time. Following the reduction of ET, you are likely to then have no interest in exposure (owing to the reduced ET) and if it remains, then you can execute exposure and you do so in an effective manner (because of reduced ET) and also in a manner which avoids a dangerous increase in ET. You are unable to get in first anyway, read the book Smeared.

      1. Leolita says:

        I am asking objectively, not in regard to myself or my own situation. I dont care about exposing, I dont talk about the Looser. He is not worth the effort, time or attention. I am asking because I find it contradictory.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          My comment still stands.

          1. Leolita says:

            Then I find your info somewhat misleading . Since you are saying here that noone can Get in before the smear, and the opposite in the article above. Not everything I ask is about me and myself and my situation.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You are confusing two different scenarios.

            I was referring to where you have been disengaged from (since that is what had originally happened to you), you will be smeared before any exposure can occur, because the narcissist controls the narrative and dynamic. The narcissist will already be smearing you through devaluation (as explained in Smeared) and therefore this will effectively stymie any attempt to expose the narcissist since the narcissist has got in first. The narcissist starts the smearing, you are then disengaged from (this is the narcissists choice) and thereafter if you try to expose, not only should you not try to do so (breach of no contact) but it is effectively doomed to failure because the narcissist has go in first.

            Where you escape, you may do so before any effective smearing has occurred (although this is unusual and the above is far more likely) and therefore you would be in a position to expose the narcissist either before the smearing has commenced or before it has had any appreciable effect. This is because you have stolen a march on the narcissist by escaping before disengagement occurred (and the accompanying smearing). It is important to emphasise that most people are disengaged from, rather than escape, therefore the point about exposure being something that cannot be achieved holds correct for the majority of cases.

          3. Leolita says:

            I originally escaped in 2017, but found I had been smeared for a long time, since that was his method of ensnaring his other victims (by reassuring them of how little he was invested in the ‘relationship’ he had with me).

        2. Leolita says:

          Also with regard to my own situation there have been desperate Hoover attempts for a long time. They are totally Ineffective and pathetic. I find peace and contentment in knowing that he needs to promote (one of his) IPSSs (correct spelled) to IPPS. Wish them (the whole narcy narc crew) all the best of luck, happiness and love for their lovely future. (No, I have not said any such thing to them. It is a joke, said only here).

      2. Leolita says:

        My ET is already much lower. I am laughing at it all now. Cannot believe I could project human traits onto that thing. It will NEVER have my attention again. (Except now, when I mention this to you. But that is a legimite breach of NC).

        1. Leolita says:


  5. I remember watching my father do this to my mother when I was little 10 11 and onwards it was so scary it was so sad she had a suicide attempt , I had to go live somewhere else that was dangerous my father went to Canada with the new girl & watching my mother fight through that I didn’t know what it was of course, HG Tudor explains things in such a way that I’m constantly having ,just like many others here we have that feeling like oh wow, oh is that what that is, that’s what it’s called. I’ve been having many of those moments I call them Revelations. I can’t read a post from HG without one of those things affecting my life and telling me at this age finally oh wow ,that’s what that is .it’s amazing it’s scary it sad sometimes it’s hysterical and I share this with my friends and my close Neighbors whether they’ve had someone in their life like this or not they’re starting to understand, some of my friends fought this, didn’t want to know what the words were, but now they’re coming around and they’re having these oh wow is that what that is I been through that .Thank you HG.🙈🙉🙊

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