The Narcissist Manipulates : Digging Up The Past

THE-NARCISSIST-MANIPULATES-_-DIGGIN-UP-THE-PAST

 

It is an essential method of maintaining our control over you by bringing up the past. We are always able to recall some past wrong which you have committed or some particular transgression which we will use to suit our current purposes. Being able to bring up the past allows us to deflect your attacks against us, deny the validity of what you are saying and instead enables us to put you under scrutiny. We have a formidable capability for remembering what has happened before. It is as if each event in our lives together has been recorded in my mind’s eye and in a moment I can locate the exact memory, circumstances and events in order to support my position and demolish yours. The pin point accuracy by which I can dredge something up which happened months or even years ago is quite staggering. It is all the more amazing because we always seem to forget about events which you try and rely on. Mind you, that is because you have such a tendency to make things up haven’t you? It is quite a terrible habit that you have, lying in order to try and make me look bad or feel worse. It is not something you would find me doing. Absolutely not.

You abide by the concept of that once something has been put to bed that is the end of the matter. It is done. It is concluded. It is finished. We do not subscribe to that point of view. In fact, anything that has happened between us, which we need to resurrect in order to advance our case against you, is never concluded. It may be buried, but it is never buried dead. All the discussions, happenings and events, even though they may have been discussed, dissected and mulled over to an extraordinary degree many moons ago, are ready to be brought back to life in the click of a finger and thumb. That argument about the one time in the last six months when you actually went out with your friends (although that of course was not without a monumental battle beforehand) began when you returned five minutes later than when you said you would return. The discussion rumbled on late into the night until finally tired and fed-up you conceded defeat, apologised and sloped off to bed. All delight from your enjoyable evening having evaporated as a consequence of our ranting and raging. You knew it had been done to death. There was not really anything to argue about, not that that stopped us going round and round in circles in order to frustrate you. This argument was complete and there was no need for it to be mentioned again. Except there was. You organised to go and see a show with your friends. It had been in the diary for at least eight weeks and you headed away looking forward to enjoying it. It was one of your favourites, one you had loved since you were a little girl. You knew that we were not pleased, you could see it in the frozen smile you gave when we came out to say hello to your friends. Not of course that we were interested in being polite to your friends as they waited in the car. No, we wanted to see who was going. Checking up to see if your story was true. We kissed you and wished you a delightful evening although you knew underneath we would be raging that we had to make our own meal and we were left alone for the evening.

The show was magnificent and your friends excellent company but the traffic leaving the venue was heavy and you returned home half an hour later than you had estimated. Note it was an estimate, not a guaranteed time by which you would return, not that this fact would make any difference to us. You sent us a text message (you did not want the embarrassment of a horrible telephone call as you sat in your friend’s car) advising of the delay and why it was. You received no response. That told you everything you needed to know. You entered the house and found us waiting, arms crossed and eyebrows raised.

“What time do you call this?” The accusation is launched. There is no hello, no asking how the show went or whether you enjoyed the evening.

“Sorry. The traffic was bad. Did you get my text?”

“Yes but that is not the point. You are late again. You do this on purpose don’t you?”

“What do you mean again?” you respond, a knee-jerk reaction to the unfair accusation but as soon as the last word has left your mouth you know what is coming. You can almost hear the vault door being opened and the relevant deposit box being selected, the tiny key being inserted and turned.

“You were late the last time you went out.”

“That was six months ago.”

“It was five actually. It was March. It doesn’t matter if it was yesterday or yesteryear, you are late and you said you would not be. You lied.”

“I lied. Oh come on, you come in late every week. Either from the bar or some work meeting and I never complain.”

“Yes you do. You complained last Friday and I told you that I had to meet those clients in the bar.It was a business meeting.”

“You didn’t tell me anything of the sort. I rang you six times to find out where you were.”

“It was eight times actually and I did not answer because I was busy with the clients. As I told you. I remember distinctly explaining that to you.”

“You didn’t. You really didn’t. Look, this is the first time I have been out in an age, I am home now, let me tell you about the show.”

“No. You are not distracting me with tales about songs and dance routines. I am sick of your disrespecting me in this fashion. You always come back late when you are with those harpies.”

“Why say that?” you ask hurt by the remark about your friends.

“Because they are a bad influence on you. They got you drunk that time. Do you remember? You threw up in the sink when you got in and then on the floor.”

“No I didn’t, that was you!”

“Don’t try and twist things around. I remember distinctly seeing you stagger through the door because I was sat in that chair watching the news.”

“You were asleep upstairs and I was not drunk. I don’t get drunk.”

“Oh really, I can remember at least five occasions when you have come home rat-arsed, banging into the walls and crawling up the stairs. There was that time you went with Sandra to that new bar, Apartment it was called.”

“What are you going on about. No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did. Are you calling me a liar? Remember, I have a far better memory than you, yours is obviously addled by all the drinking that you do.”

And on it goes. Past misdemeanours both real and imagined are brought up and levelled against you. Bringing up the past is good for all occasions. If you accuse us of flirting with someone, we will remind you of your brazen behaviour with our brother. If you complain because we have not taken the rubbish out, we will remind you how you forgot to pick up our drying cleaning on three separate occasions. Accuse us of over-spending and we will revisit your last three shopping trips and reel off every item that you purchased. The confidence with which we describe these past events has you bewildered and at times you are unable to recall whether we are actually correct or whether we are making it up. You often think that we are making things up but the conviction we demonstrate has you doubting your own recall. This technique is used by us frequently. It moves the subject of the argument on to you, frustrates, angers and upsets you so that you provide us with and has you often apologising so that we know we have landed a blow and laid down a marker. Reminding you of the past, real or imagined is something we do frequently. What is behind using this manipulative technique to acquire fuel and control? Simple. We bring up the past because we are intimidated by what is happening in the present.

37 thoughts on “The Narcissist Manipulates : Digging Up The Past

  1. Kim e says:

    Lorelei
    Also—was J. Holmes an empath? Seems unlikely!

    Who the hell would care!!!!!!! LOL

  2. blackcoffee30 says:

    Oddly enough I have this thing I refer to as, “The List.” I explain it to my partners. We put incidents that are never to be mentioned again on The List. If you bring up something on The List, everything becomes fair game in an argument.

  3. WokeAF says:

    Ooooh I will buy ASAP

  4. Witch says:

    “Harpies” Is killing me!
    But yes narcs are very intimidated by their IPPS having fun without them. It burns them in their chest.

  5. Get Out says:

    Very useful information!

  6. Bubbles 🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    Our greater friend does this !
    Whatever you tell him, he’ll remember every little detail and he’s really good with dates times and numbers
    He’ll always bring something up, as a little surprise treat
    He thinks he’s a smart arse, little does he realize everyone he knows thinks he’s a right real knob head 🤣
    We never argue with him and pretty much overlook what he says and just continue with the conversation
    Frustrates the bejeezus out of him, big time, cos we no longer engage in his games
    We just agree with everything he says ! “Yes, you’re quite right Reggie”
    He gets so frustrated he downs his drink and quickly refills ! 🍷🤣
    He doesn’t have many friends, so he needs us, we’re his audience
    Excellent article, as it’s soooooo true
    Thank you Mr Tudor

    1. K says:

      Dearest Bubbles,
      Hahahaha…I suspect that Reggie reasserts control by sucking down his drink and getting a refill!

      Luv K

      1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dearest K,
        Yes, I think you’re right K
        It’s his excuse for another glass as well, I suspect, boy, can he drink !
        Reggie never calls me by my name
        He refers to us, “here are the Bubbles” “the Bubbles are here” although he calls Mr Bubbles by his Christian name
        The weasel did the same, didn’t like to call me by my name ( he USED to be a boozer as well), brought up things I had mentioned, only to throw it back in my face

        Reggie still persists in trying to get us riled up, however, we have the advantage, we know what he is ! Haha

        Whilst I have your attention lovely K, are you able to direct me to the post Windstorm commented on recently, just can’t seem to find it, thank you oh clever one
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. K says:

          Dearest Bubbles,
          Some narcissists really are big boozers. Jeez, you are so unimportant and trivial that they don’t even deign to use your name. They remind me of POTUS, “Trump to Mike Pence: ‘Don’t call the woman in Michigan.’ (the woman just happens to be Gov. Gretchen Whitmer).

          The weasel Manipulates: Digging Up The Past and it looks like Reggie persists in trying to impale you on his pitchfork, well, everything is as it should be in NarcLand. Hahaha…no surprise there!

          My pleasure Bubbles, this should be the link to the post that WS recently commented on, if it isn’t, please let me know.

          https://narcsite.com/2018/12/19/the-ten-obligations-of-the-empath-13/
          Luv K xoxo

          1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dearest K,
            You are an absolute whiz, thank you K, I would never have found it by myself,
            I’m a bit like a pendulum, I go back n forth and never get anywhere ! 🤣

            You’re so right, narcs just don’t like giving us the respect by using our names
            Even my mother refers to me as “favourite daughter”
            She WILL write my name sometimes on a card followed by “my favourite daughter”
            Cos I’m her ONLY (slave), errr I mean, daughter ! Haha

            The weasel is well n truly past tense, for years now, no Hoovers, no contact, only see he “ugly moosh” thru our veteran newsletter showing off in true mid ranger style
            He has grown facial hair again, means he needs new fuel ⛽️
            🤣
            Thanks again lovely K, most appreciated 💕
            Luv Bubbles 🍾

          2. Kim e says:

            Bubbles,
            I love reading your replies. Always positive even in a negative situation

            I do have a question regarding the weasel, facial hair & his need for new fuel. Can you elaborate on this for me? I find it very curious….

            Thanks

          3. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Kim e,
            Awe, thank you sweetpea, I try to be positive
            Being negative brings frowns n wrinkles, the cost of my face cream won’t allow it
            🤣
            You ask about the weasel, “whell ” what can I say ?
            When Mr Bubbles n I first met him, he had a “soul patch” “clit tickler” “flavour saver” “muff brush” “goat patch” “chin puff “…… “generally worn by very unattractive (or too old) males to increase their sex appeal – normally with the opposite result ” 🤣
            He looked “absolutely” ridiculous!
            Being the revolting narc that he is, he thought himself to be the “ants pants” plus he’s a short arse with short man syndrome (that’s two negatives going against him already) 🤣
            Basically, he’d like to cause a stir with it and in return received the attention he so craved ⛽️
            When he asked me what I thought of it, I said, I didn’t like it, it didn’t suit him and said ” isn’t it about time you lot started to shape up and look smart rather than be hell bent on being in a time warp, you’re all getting older and need to set an example and look respectable”
            He also had “home cut” untidy hair, looked a real slob, he dressed in ugly vests, army cargo shorts with socks n sandals…… alllllll the time 😱Heavens to Betsy !
            Mr Bubbles stood out big time, as he always wore a suit, tie n “cufflinks” ( 😉 Mr Tudor)
            “WHEEEEELLLLL ” … that got him going 🤣
            How dare I NOT like it ! He saw it as Challenge Fuel I guess, then it was on for him to try and win me over by seeking my approval
            He immediately shaved it off, started going to a barber, (he was the biggest cheapsake)
            (He did have an IPPS prior to our meeting without the facial hair, he brutally ended it, she left the club, posted deep n meaningful memes on FB)
            Thank goodness she’s now with a really nice chap, who treats her well

            Fast forward …… after I ended our horrendous friendship, he grew it back
            He then met a new female from the club and shaved it off !
            They broke up, he grew it back
            They got back together, he shaved it off again
            Then they broke up again annnnnnnd he shaved it off, yet again,
            The relationship has now finally ended (not in narc terms )
            Now he’s grown it back …. phew!!!!

            Don’t think he’s with anyone right now cos of COVID, but the “fuzz” remains ⛽️
            😂
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          4. Kim e says:

            Bubbles,
            That story would make for a great popcorn & wine Saturday night movie…LOL
            Just your description makes me realize more why he is The Weasel……

            I hate those chin things…..reminds me of a billy goat.

            Thanks for the explanation, visuals and a good laugh on a rainy Sunday morning.

          5. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dearest Violetta,
            I agree
            Maybe we should all start wearing garlic around our necks
            We’re all gonna need a bigger stake, it takes 12 times to kill the bad guys
            Drats….. ula 👹
            😂
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        2. K says:

          Dearest Bubbles,
          Hahahaha…my pleasure! Empaths don’t let other empaths go back n forth willy-nilly; we provide direction and answers (truth seeker trait).

          You are a loyal servant and do her bidding, so you are painted white and, if you are her only daughter, then she is triangulating you with the label “my favourite daughter” because there is NO other daughter and, if you did have a sister, it’s still triangulation. Narcissists got you coming-and-going; it’s all very efficient, when you think about it.

          Good riddance to The Weasel and his facial hair! May all of his fuel needs be met elsewhere.

          You are very welcome Bubbles, anytime.
          Luv K xoxo

          1. truthseeker6157 says:

            Hello K. This rings a bell. The only time my suspected narcissist used my real name was two years ago on Christmas Day. I wished him Merry Christmas using his name and he said the same thing back using mine. He gave me a nickname early on. ‘Twiggy’, it might have been intended to get at me for being small. I’m content with my size and shape so he might have shot himself in the foot. He knows I like the nickname so uses it occasionally if he is supposedly making amends. Is the no name thing a tell then?

          2. Violetta says:

            Bubbles and K:

            “May all of his fuel needs be met elsewhere.”

            May none of his fuel needs be met anywhere, and may he shrivel up and blow away like the staked vampire at the end of a Hammer horror film.

          3. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dearest K,
            Thank you so very much K
            I don’t know how you did that, I would’ve had to go back thru every single post to dec 18 😰
            Note to self, bring out the quill n ink to keep track ✒️
            I luv the way you explain it, puts it into perspective on a personal level, thank you for that
            You’re a marvel, as you also linked the “pet post” , great to reread as it correlates so much with my mum, our greater friend and the eradicated “hair on hair off” weasel 🤣
            All my narcs become quite indignant if not addressed by their correct names, no nicknames allowed, unless the say so !
            My mother prefers Mrs Narc rather than her Christian name
            “How dare you, I did not give you permission to call me Ima”
            Her middle name is Eville
            Mrs Ima Eville Narc
            🤣
            Warmest thanks n very appreciated dearest K
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        3. K says:

          Dearest Bubbles,
          You are very welcome!
          The magic is in the fingers and the article also just happened to be in my inbox so it was very easy to pull it up.

          Thank you, it’s imperative that the explanations are easy to understand so you can apply them to your circumstances. Learning allows us to move forward. Pet is a good read and the article explains the use of nicknames in the context of the narcissistic relationship very well. Of course we are only supposed to address them by their proper names, unless decreed otherwise. It’s an affront to their sense of superiority if we call them something else (challenge fuel) and then the slap down commences.

          “Mrs Ima Eville Narc” hahahaha…thanks for the laugh Bubbles!

          You have my most heartfelt and warmest welcomes!
          Luv K xoxo

          1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dearest K,
            We Aussies luv nicknames, it’s what we do
            We lengthen short names, n shorten long names
            (Just never call me later for din din) 😂
            I tried it on the weasel, he pounced on me like he was going for the jugular to kill its prey …… whoooooaaaa, settle petal !
            Ding ding 🔔 found his weak spot 🔴 🤣
            If only I knew back then what I know now, clearly that’s not much, going by my results of Mr Tudor’s quizzes 😂
            I’ll have to “just keep swimming” as Dory says 🐠

            Thank you for your reply lovely K, you’re our treasured encyclopaedia 📚 and whipperuppera
            Mwah 💋
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        4. Bubbles 🍾 says:

          Dearest Kim e,
          He also depicts a Weasel because of his extremely short legs 😂
          You should hear the one about the Scottish feather bonnet and kilt
          Then there’s the one about the pillar gates
          And there’s the one about the book he’s been writing for over 20 years, keeps changing his current females names in it
          And there’s the one about …….
          I’ve ordered extra popcorn 🍿 bubbles 🍾 n wine 🍷
          It’s gonna be a binge all nighter !
          The Visuals are hilarious any day 😂
          Trust me, the chin hair looks better on the goat 🐐
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. Kim e says:

            Bubbles.
            Mine was writing a book too!!!! A spy novel with his father and siblings……until I mentioned it was going to be a short book since he hates his siblings…. then it really was an article for a magazine. I asked for an atutographed copy and was told “I haven’t even started writing it”……..
            And looking for another job…well that was on Tuesday at 0800….by Tuesday at 1325 he was no longer “actively looking”.

            I for one am buying stock in popcorn and boxed wine…………..

          2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dear Kim e,
            “And looking for another job … well that was on Tuesday at 0800…by
            Tuesday 1325 he was no longer “actively looking” ”
            “I haven’t even started writing it” ….
            🤣
            Forever big noting themselves without the substance
            The weasels was apparently a romance book, he doesn’t even know what the word means, most likely plagiarised it
            Classic 😂
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        5. K says:

          Dearest Bubbles,
          Any time! And thank you for your kind words. Encyclopaedia and whipperuppera suit me well. I could be whipping up articles or trouble, either way works for me.

          Clash of Personalities:
          Hahaha…how dare you try to assert control over The Weasel by trying to give him a nickname (threat to his control); you insolent-little-nobody (contempt: his POV); he needs to squash you like the insignificant bug that you are (punishment) so he went for the jugular (asserted control). All is well in NarcLand.

          Hmmm…I wonder what he would think of his nickname: The Weasel.

          Mwah! right back atcha! Don’t worry about the quizzes, just keep reading and then everything just falls in place naturally.

          Luv K xoxo

          1. Bubbles 🍾 says:

            Dearest K,
            Whip away loveliness 😂
            I think if he knew I refereed to him as “the weasel” it would zoom right over his short head
            Instead of viewing it as a “deviate little critter” , he’d perceive himself as being a cute cuddly pet and take it as a compliment
            I did say he had “short mans syndrome” to his face once, he agreed and was quite proud of the fact, found it a challenge when he’d walk into a room, “look at moy” !
            Mr Bubbles and our boys are all over 6′, thank goodness
            The weasel appeared somewhat jealous of Mr Bubbles, kept trying to emulate him
            The weasel was oblivious to everything but himself and his own needs, selfish to the core !
            I find I pretty much don’t “worry” anymore K, a trait I’ve learnt from Mr Tudor 😂
            Sending huge virus free hugs precious 🤗
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      2. K says:

        My pleasure truthseeker6157
        When it comes to narcissists, the odds are never in your favor. Pet is a good read.

        Yup, the old “tell them your name and try to make them empathized with you (the victim) trick”.
        It didn’t work with Chigurh (scary psychopath) in No Country For Old Men but it worked with Monte Rissell in Mindhunter.

        There is always a reason for their behavior: fuel and control, but it’s instinct. They may offer a reason, or explanation (most likely a blame shift), for their behavior but it isn’t the real reason.
        Greaters calculate and they love the game. It’s all about the power (fuel) and control and no one is ever prepared for that. It’s crazy, when you think about it.

    2. K says:

      truthseeker6157
      It looks like your suspected narcissist uses ‘Twiggy’ for benign control and he may have been mirroring you on that Christmas Day two years ago.

      The no name thing is a definitely a Red Flag and should be considered when looking at behaviors in aggregate. Regarding nicknames, I think you may find this article below very enlightening.

      https://narcsite.com/2020/01/10/pet-8/

      1. truthseeker6157 says:

        K,
        Thank you for replying 🙂 Some of the smaller things that have niggled me seem to be adding up. The odds are not in my favour it seems. Thank you for adding the link to the article. I had thought about it in terms of the kidnapping thing. Always tell them your name, if you have kids, their names too. So I worked it in reverse for my situation. I was unaware of the additional reasons. I’m struggling to accept that everything is so calculated. Every move with its reason. No one is prepared for that.

      2. Lorelei says:

        K–I knew someone once that went by the nickname Twiggy and she was probably 400 lbs. I am not kidding.

        1. K says:

          Lorelei
          Hahahaha…yup, and Tiny is 6 feet 5 inches tall. Nicknames are fun.

          1. Lorelei says:

            K—is a 6’5” named Tiny Tim gaslighting with such a nickname? Would a John Holmes with a small attribute be a gas lighter? Also—was J. Holmes an empath? Seems unlikely!

        2. K says:

          Lorelei
          Hahahaha…a 6’5” man named Tiny Tim is just ironic. Another good one: Fluffy the three headed dog in the Harry Potter series.

          John Holmes with a small attribute would be a monumental disappointment and he was either a Narcissist or narcissistic!

          1. Lorelei says:

            K—a woman from work was sending links to porn videos in our group text/chat for awhile so we could pick our favorite. It was very un-lady-like, but whatever. I doubt there are many empath porn stars.

    3. lisk says:

      Sounds like you could cause your greater friend some serious liver damage, Bubbles.

      Seize the power! 🍸

    4. K says:

      Violetta
      Hahahaha…that’s always an option; narcissistic Dust in The Wind. Thanks for the laugh!

  7. WokeAF says:

    HG I thought this one and two others were grouped up for sale on Gumroad- are those different?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, different format and contains material not available.

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