Why Has the Narcissist Gone Back?



Think back to that glorious time when you were courted by the narcissist who ensnared you. Amidst the delight and excitement of that powerful and dizzying seduction there is a good chance that mention was made of his or her ex. That person was the devil incarnate weren’t they? They were an abuser, a drunk, an addict, a gold-digger, a gambler, never worked, a sponger, never helped around the house, never helped with the children, bad-tempered, unsociable, awkward, played video games all day and so on. No doubt your narcissist’s ex was one or more of those things. They were smeared to you from the off.

“He is just plain evil.”

“She is utterly bat shit crazy.”

“You won’t want to meet her; she is a fruit loop.”

“He is violent and nasty. Charming on the outside but horrible on the inside.”

A hundred different ways to ensure that you thought ill of the predecessor ex and more highly of us. Praise for having broken free, sympathy for what we endured, encouragement for being with you. The fuel flowed as we recounted tale after tale of terrible treatment. All of this was told after we had jettisoned this person as we embedded you into our world.

It may even have been the case that you commenced an affair with us. We admitted we were married, lived with somebody or in a relationship but a combination of our charismatic magnetism and the tales of woe about how our partner was horrible and abusive meant that you saw somebody wonderful in need of your love and you felt no real concerns at interfering in our relationship. After all, how many times did we tell you that we never had sex with them anymore, that we did not even share a bed, how we were only together for the sake of the children and a hundred other reasons that are given to entice you and reassure you that it is you we want. We may well have even left our partner to be with you. You triumphed. Good overcame evil as you ensured that we had the support, courage and determination to escape their horrible treatment of us. You had us to yourself and the golden period could truly commence.

Sometime later, it might be weeks, it could be months and possibly even years, something strange happened.

We went back.

You were unceremoniously dropped and we returned to the arms of the ex-partner once again. How could this be so? How could we return to someone so horrible, so abusive, so evil? How could we go back to this person about whom we told you so many stories of their abusive behaviour and ugly character? How could we return after you rescued us from them? How could we do this after everything you have done for us? Whereas the ex was horrible, you were delightful, the ex did not care, you never stopped caring and where the ex was cruel, you were wonderful. You helped us through the separation and you shielded us when the savage ex came after us, blaming you for breaking a happy (ha!) marriage up. You heard their protestations that you turned their partner’s head, whispered lies about them so as to turn their partner against the ex. You remember how astonished you were at the time that someone would have the audacity to behave in such an abusive manner and then accuse you of doing the things that they engaged in. This ex was just as we described wasn’t she? Manipulative, vicious and blaming everybody else but herself. Just as we had warned you, she behaved exactly to type. She even accused us of certain things but you did not believe them because we had already forewarned you that this was something she would do. Try to make you think that we were the abusive one in order to deflect attention from what she was really like. How on earth could we go back to this liar, this cheat, this abuser, this evil and horrible person? It just made no sense.

In some instances, you received no answer. Our number had changed. We moved back in with this person at a place you don’t know. We blocked you on social media, those friends you thought you had made in our circles shunned you or just told you to accept that these things happen and to move on. But you cannot. You cannot fathom out why someone could do this. Firstly, why return to an abuser? Secondly, why drop someone wonderful like you who we had professed a real and perfect love for? Nothing made sense anymore.

You might have been able to confront us to try and find out why on earth we have behaved in this way. You may have been given a sole opportunity to state your case and to find out why we have done this and left you devastated. You will have been told things such as: –

“I knew that I really did love them. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”

“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”

“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”

“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”

You will have argued against these comments. You will have tried to persuade us in order to get us back again. No doubt you said things to each of the above comments, like these: –

You don’t love her. How can you love someone who has abused you for such a long time? You have done the hard bit, getting away from her. You cannot go back.”


“She won’t change. Why would she? You said it yourself she has promised this before and nothing has happened.”


“If you did the right thing for your children you would not expose them to such a toxic atmosphere as the one you described between you and her.”


“She has you under complete control. You don’t know anything other than her abusive ways and you have accepted them. You don’t have to do that. I can help you.”

Your desperate and well-intentioned pleas and reasoning failed. The reason why is because when we said each of the comments above, this is what we really meant.

“I knew that I really did love her. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”

“You weren’t the fuel I thought you would be and I realised the fuel I would get from going back and hoovering my ex and seeking another chance would outweigh what you were giving me and it worked. But don’t worry. I am not going to get rid of you just yet. I have organised a wonderful triangulation for me, you and her that will carry on through the reconciliation. It will be like we are having an affair (having an affair again). How exciting. How fuel-laden”

“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”

“I promised to change. That hoovered her back in. It always does and she fell for it and that fuel is better than yours.”

“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”

“I saw some cracks in the façade and realised that people actually might turn against me. I need that façade so I have to sacrifice you instead. You won’t realise this but I have told her, our families and friends that you are a stalker and you were trying to blackmail me. They understand. The façade is intact. You are expendable.”


“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”

“I know her inside out and I know that no matter how many times I do this she will always take me back and give me powerful hoover fuel. I know I told you that you were the only one I have left her for. That wasn’t true. You are nothing special. I have done it many times before and I will do it again. I might do it again with you if you are foolish enough to give me another chance. It is all good fuel.”

If you are reeling from the stunning revelation that we have returned to the ex that was labelled as horrible and abusive. If you are unable to comprehend why we would do this, I understand. I understand that it truly makes no sense when looked at from your perspective. The reality is however they were never abusive. I am the abuser. I used you as I used my partner in order to get fuel. I projected my behaviours onto them and you lapped it all up, giving me positive fuel and negative fuel from her as I triangulated you with her. I may not have gone back, but the quality of the hoover fuel and the ease by which I can achieve it makes it irresistible. I will come back to you again and you will let me because you have tasted the golden period. You still believe she is the bitch and the two of you will fight over me blaming one another rather than realise that I am to the blame. I planned it. I orchestrated it. I am the puppet master.

4 thoughts on “Why Has the Narcissist Gone Back?

  1. name says:

    This is the icing on the cake of crap i have been dealing with for 3 years. I am an empath. 110% love with my all, give my all, see good in all, live for hope, for change, for positive.
    This is exactly, almost word for word how I have been roped in for this long, how I cannot seem to escape. Cannot bring myself to block, delete, ignore, not respond. I’m not wired to be cold and unforgiving and believe people are inherently evil. I trust, i feel, I forgive, I find out root cause, i solve, I fix, I nurture, I give.
    Even after devouring these articles i still feel a pull towards him. Still feel that pang of hope, of doubt in my own reasoning.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Speak to me and I’ll get you over the line and enable you to escape.

  2. lickemtomorrow says:

    Wow. Just wow. All for fuel.

    You are the puppet master.

    How awful for those impacted.

    My narcex told me all about what a horrible woman his ex wife was (divorced long ago).

    This is exactly what he told me – she changed within 24-48 hours of the wedding ceremony. I was aghast at this, and wondered how someone could change so suddenly on the heels of one of the happiest days of their life. We discussed it on several occasions and I even said to him there must have been a fatal flaw in her character for that to happen. He had all my sympathy. I asked him at one stage (laughably now) whether he had ever heard the word narcissist and whether his ex wife could have been one?! I was dealing with one at the time (female variety) and had begun educating myself, so while she was well spotted, he was not. And in reality, that must be the most perfect projection of a narcissist. To have other people thinking that your ex is actually the narcissist. I’m sure his smear campaign was extensive and harrowing. I don’t want to imagine the divorce. No doubt, even more harrowing.

    She was married now for the fourth time (according to him), so that made him look even better. I pretty much said ‘well, that goes to prove what a terrible person she was’ giving him further justification/validation. It now has me wondering if she continued to fall into the same trap, and if she even knows what she was forced to endure? Does she know she was married to a narcissist? They were both young, so I’m quite sure at that time she didn’t. My suffering would be a drop in the ocean compared to hers.

    Knowing what I know now, I expect the devaluation period began within 24-48 hours of their marriage (he had her fully in his grasp) and that he put her through hell for the next 5 years. She managed to escape. He also told me she’d had an affair during that time. Deja Vu. There is no doubt in my mind now he was the one who had the affair.

    Oh, and add to that, he’d also come close to marrying two other women after that but pulled out at the last minute. It was all to do with how wounded he was after his marriage, of course,and the fear of being hurt again I can’t even imagine the impact of the future faking on those two women. I got lucky. But no doubt he used the same sad story on them.

    The red flags were flying. I just didn’t see them. Probably none of us did. He’s left a trail of destruction in his wake.

    I’m hoping none of these former IPPSs have been hoovered again. Knowing what I know now.

  3. blackcoffee30 says:

    All good by me, If he were to think of me now it would only be to find new ways to torture me or feel erroneously superior.

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