Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don´t



Society and people need rules. The requirement for regulation looms large in everyone’s life. Pay your taxes, don’t park in that place, don’t drop litter, say please and thank you and so on. From laws to rules to codes of conduct, through to convention to procedures to etiquette we are bound up in rules wherever we go and whatever we do. People grumble and complain about them but ultimately they prefer the world to have these rules.

People like to know where they stand. You know what you can and cannot do. You may not agree with it, but you at least have some certainty. Those that found themselves in the horror of concentration camps complained that there was never any certainty to the day. You could be subjected to punishment for walking too slowly one day and too fast the next. It was random and awful, yet such a system is horrendously effective at undermining someone’s will and paradoxically causing them to try harder in order to avoid a sanction.
Our behaviour is much the same. There is no rhyme or logic to it. Last week I said I liked sugar in my tea and this week I do not. I deny that I said I liked sugar in my tea and moreover this triviality causes me to erupt in rage when you put sugar in my drink this week. You are confused and anxious by this random control that I exert over you. It is all intentional. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we cannot recall what we said or did the previous day, that we are somehow blind to our previous likes and dislikes as if affected by some form of amnesia. This disorientating tactic is deliberate. You may as well ascribe outcomes to the numbers two through to twelve and roll two dice.

That gives you just as good a chance of determining how I will behave. One week I sleep with the bedroom window open, the next it must be closed. Yesterday I want silence in the kitchen in the morning, today I want the radio on. Each day you are put on parade and then awaiting the inevitable criticism as I will find some fault in order to control you, demean you and provoke a reaction. I am like an insane regimental sergeant major who deems the buttons on your uniform to not shine enough despite the hours you spent polishing each one.

Like his parade ground bark, I will unleash my haphazard criticism of you with a barrage of abuse, raising my voice and making you wince with each syllable. We understand the effect of repeatedly being shouted at and it causes you to submit to our demands Invariably I will see what you are doing and pick the opposite as being what I want. I am a natural contrarian. All of this is done to maintain your heightened sense of anxiety, forcing you to second guess and thus become conditioned to our will. Periodically we will approve of what you have done and your sense of relief is so overwhelming you receive a natural high. This in turn causes you to want to repeat it and therefore each and every day you are walking on those eggshells as you try to please us and avoid our erratic and groundless rage.

There is no system you can depend on, no method of working out what is safe to do and what should be avoided, yet still you will try. As ever, you want to make matters right and keep the peace.

12 thoughts on “Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don´t

  1. Kristin says:

    Thank you for the clarification. It explains the look of confusion on the narc’s face because my daughter and I are not giving him the fuel he so desperately wants. I have catered to him for many years and now I walk away when the manipulative games begin. It is freeing for me and is very perplexing for him while I work towards escape.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  2. lickemtomorrow says:

    It’s called conditioning, and it’s amazing that we can’t see it for what it is. One day I’m available to you, the next day I’m not. One day I’ll be your incredible lover, the next day I won’t. One day I’m going to (pretend) to care about your thoughts, the next day I won’t.

    I honestly don’t know how I stood it for so long, but this makes it all so clear. I was being conditioned. Seeking approval, the ‘golden period’, never understanding what created this push/pull dynamic. Trying to think what I could do to somehow repair or prevent it. Questioning, demanding, pleading, confronting. It never got me anywhere except deeper into the cycle of abuse. Let’s call it what it is.

    I hope to never go through that again. In fact, I plan to never go through that again.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You were governed by your emotional thinking and you were conned, that is why you continued with it. Humans beings do things when they believe it is the right thing for them to do, you thought you could repair it and therefore the right thing to do was to remain in situ and try and sort it out. Your ET conned you into using Flawed Logic. See the Addiction : Triple Package, that is why it has been created.

      1. lickemtomorrow says:

        Thank you again, HG. And yes, I was. Flawed logic is exactly what it was. Created by emotional thinking. And it seemed so right at the time. As you say, we do what we believe it is right for us to do at the time. You’ve put it in such a way that I don’t feel as badly about taking the bait. Although, that little dose of reality is right there at the start … ‘you were conned’.

        Appreciate the further recommendation and I’ll hope to ‘get clean’ soon.

        Funny, I’ve actually been drawn to songs about addiction lately. They are making sense to me in the context of my current circumstances. I could relate to them previously from an empathic point of view, now I can relate to them from a personal point of view..

        At least I’m touching base with reality.

        1. Kristin says:

          This is very tough and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, BUT, you are doing very well and should be proud of yourself 💝

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            Thank you, Kristin 🙂

            I really appreciate the encouragement. I’m not sure how long the road ahead is, but it’s good to know others are wanting the best for you. Same <3

      2. Narc noob says:

        That push/pull you speak of, the dynamic that LMT also mentioned above – in Aus, in the west, a business promoting personal growth called MJB Seminars (who follow a lot of Dr Demartini works) calls this orgasm. For real! 😆 Interestingly, of course, one of the partners is a N.

        1. lickemtomorrow says:

          I guess it could be considered ‘orgasmic’ in the sense it creates those highs and lows that generate the very addictive brain chemicals that keep you hooked. Orgasm is the ultimate natural high. The sense of release is tremendous. The push/pull dynamic I guess keeps us wanting that. So, whether we’re wanting it, or getting it, it’s all about the orgasm 😉

          Or in this case, returning to the ‘golden period’.

          1. Kristin says:

            Very well said. Who in the world would have thought of associating an orgasm with a narc?! 😅

  3. Kristin says:

    I have listened to The Creature and highly recommend it. Would you say that narcissists, as a whole, are constantly miserable even when they are receiving copious amounts of fuel? You have said that it is not tiring for you to live as you do. Is it correct to assume that since the majority do not know what they are and why they do what they do, they do not find it tiring either? Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      We are not constantly miserable because we do not do sadness or misery (despite the Pity Plays). Of course for some narcissist´s theirs is a wretched existence (although they will not see that). You are correct that the narcissist will not see it as tiring because either
      1. Lesser and Mid Range do not know what they are , or
      2. Greater are aware but do not find it tiring owing to the high level of effectiveness.

      There will be some instances where a form of tiredness can set in, this is when a fuel crisis sets in and the near panicked response of the narcissist to stretch those fuel lines becomes exhausting. See Understanding Changes to the Fuel Matrix for more.

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