Surely, That’s The End Yes?
“I have not heard from him in a month, he has moved on hasn’t he?”
“I exposed what she is like to all of her family, she won’t be contacting me again that’s for sure.”
“I told him I know what he is and he disappeared so I doubt I will hear from him again.”
“He is with somebody else already so I guess he won’t want me again will he?”
“I told him what I thought of him and he just backed off. He won’t hoover me will he?”
“He came crying back to me and I gave him short shrift. I doubt he will bother again.”
Wrong.
There are many different scenarios and outcomes involving our kind where the victim considers that our kind will not bother with them again post discard or post escape. The victim thinks that a period of total silence, the involvement of the narcissist with a new victim, the manner in which the relationship ended will all mean that the narcissist will not come sniffing around the victim ever again.
We will.
Why is this the case?
Firstly, you must understand our perspective. You belong to us. You are our appliance. You are our property. The Formal Relationship between us may have ended but the Narcissistic Relationship is forever. It only ends when either you or I cease to draw breath. It does not matter that we enter into a new Formal Relationship with somebody else. It does not matter if you do. It does not matter that world war three erupted when we parted company. It does not matter if there has been complete silence for two years. None of these factors alter the fact that in our minds the connection between you and I because of the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until one of us dies.
Secondly, the attraction of gathering fuel from you is substantial and this is the prime driver for never letting go. Fuel is so important to us that it drives everything about behaviour and the link between you and I is no exception to the all-pervasive power of fuel.
Thirdly, factors such as new partners, the effluxion of time and the manner in which the Formal Relationship has ended are immaterial.
I am repeatedly asked by people whether a hoover will happen. I always answer the same; the risk always remains, but you can manage that risk. People set out the circumstances of the end of the Formal Relationship to me and what has happened since (if anything) and ask whether a hoover will happen, or express their view that they do not think it will happen because of a, b or c. My answer again is the same; the risk of us returning always remains, but you can manage that risk.
It is never the end. There is always a risk, a chance, a probability (or a possibility) that we will return to you and apply a hoover. You cannot assume that it is over. No matter how much it may seem that it is over, no matter how much it may appear to you that we will not come back, that we apparently have no reason to do so, such assumptions are dangerous. There are only two factors which are material to the issue of whether you will be hoovered again.
The first factor is the Hoover Trigger. For a hoover to happen potentially, it must first be triggered. This means that you must come into our sights, that we sniff the prospective fuel that leaks from you, that something happens to cause you to come up on our radar. Whether this happens depends on whether you enter one of the six spheres of influence. I have written separately about them in The Spheres of Influence (And What You Can Do About Them) in another article. I will not repeat its content other than to state that
- You have control over whether you enter any of the first five spheres of influence; and
- You have no control over whether you enter the sixth sphere of influence.
By staying away from us through no contact you will not enter the first five spheres. The sixth sphere is when we happen to think of you. Thus, if you have successfully implemented no contact the only risk of a trigger being activated is if we happen to think of you. You cannot influence that. Our preoccupation with your replacement means we are far less likely to think of you and hoovers are triggered by you doing something to enter the first five spheres, such as messaging us or passing where we live.
If you maintain no contact the first five spheres will not be entered. It then just depends on whether we happen to think of you. This may not happen for weeks or months. You can therefore see that by staying out of the first five spheres you will vastly reduce the risk of a Hoover Trigger being activated but you cannot state that it will never happen as it is reliant on if we happen to think of you. That may just be a random occurrence or it might be because we see something that reminds us of you.
The second factor is only applicable if the Hoover Trigger has been activated. The second factor is concerns the Hoover Criteria. These criteria include such matters as: –
– Whether you are a potent source of fuel;
– Whether you can easily be located;
– Whether you can easily be contacted;
– Whether you have your defences maintained concerning us;
– Whether you remain mired in the emotional sea;
– What support networks you have in place;
– How well fuelled we are;
– The nature of the narcissist who you entangled with (Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater); and
– Potential obstacles
All of these matters combine to determine whether it is worthwhile us expending our energy to act on the Hoover Trigger. If we are presented with a sitting target, flowing with fuel, caught in the emotional sea, isolated and exposed then the criteria point heavily to the fact that a hoover will now take place. If on the other hand it is very hard to contact you, we know you have stopped flowing with fuel when dealing with us, you have people who will stop us trying to reach you and so forth, you become a Flawed Reason to Extract Emotion (F.R.E.E.).
For a worked example of how this can happen if someone enters the first sphere of influence I recommend that you read the article Hoover Time! Sphere One.
Accordingly, if you can do everything possible to become a F.R.E.E. then even if Hoover Trigger is activated then the chances of us executing that hoover will be considerably reduced. By contrast, if you fail to attain becoming a F.R.E.E. then you run the risk of a hoover being executed.
You will note that in the hoover criteria above there is no mention of the gap between when we last contacted you and the current time. There is no mention of the circumstances in which we parted company as the Formal Relationship. There is no mention of you knowing what we are, whether you told us, whether you exposed our abuses to others. Those are not factors which concern us. The existence of a new partner is not relevant either in isolation, but is only a partial consideration in terms of whether that person might stop us. Of course even if they might do so and all the other factors point to the execution of a hoover, this one criterion has diminished relevance.
Accordingly, when you are asking yourself whether a hoover may happen. Remember this.
- You can never say never.
- There needs to be a Hoover Trigger. You can significantly influence whether there is one and reduce the risk but you cannot remove it.
- The Hoover Criteria need to be met. Again, you can significantly influence whether the criteria are met by becoming a F.R.E.E. and reduce the risk, but you cannot remove it.
The issue of whether you will experience a hoover is not completely in your hands, but is far more within your control than you might at first have thought.
It is never the end but you are not helpless.
31 thoughts on “Surely, That’s The End Yes?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I was hoovered after almost two years of the nastiest discard imaginable. I NEVER expected him to contact me again, but he did under the guise that he was apologizing for nasty treatment bestowed on me by his wife (we were in a long term affair, and he swore up and down that I was “the one”), until I wasn’t,
Useful example, thank you for sharing.
Hg, is there a reason for no IGH? Potential wounding I’m guessing. I assume this IGH is only for intimate partners and not non-intimate? Thank you.
Or alternative secured, therefore no IGH required.
I’m torn. I don’t want to be insulted by a hoover, but like to think a Hoover would mean fuel was low, so I want a Hoover.
ET yeah, I know. I know.
We’ve all been there. We want them to suffer. The problem is it’s a short step from gloating that he misses your fuel to hoping that he misses you.
I don’t give a shit about Wanna-Be Playuh-Narc, but I’m still angry about narcs I knew in school, from elementary to grad. I fervently hope life kicks them right up the sphincter, and that means I’m not free yet.
Miss me the way he did when he was on his silent treatment fuckery and doing all the shit he did? LMAO
What if you found out he were dead? Guaranteed low fuel in that case.
That would be fine by me!
I’ve occasionally viewed the obituaries during the pandemic … ‘fine by me’ is definitely something I’d say on some days. Good riddance and all that. I don’t want him to come back after what he put me through. And if that’s what it takes to make sure he never comes back again then I guess I need to be good with that. There’s no doubt he will have taken a piece of me with him when he goes, though. It was offered freely, so I’m good with that, too.
I won’t wish death on anyone, but I truly believe we were meant to meet in this lifetime. I’m Buddhist, and believe he lives in the lower states of the Ten Words of Being. This of course, MY personal belief. I’m sharing, not trying to convert or offend anyone. I have a new understanding of faith I wouldn’t have ever achieved without the suffering with the N.
“The world of hell is a life state in which one is imprisoned by suffering and completely lacking in freedom. Living is itself painful, and everything we see is colored by our unhappiness and misery. The world of hungry spirits, or the life state of hunger, is a state where one is spiritually and physically tormented by insatiable craving. The world of animals, or the life state of animality (reflecting the ancient Indian conception of the nature of animals) is characterized by foolishness in the sense of being moved by impulse and concerned only with immediate benefit and gratification. In this condition, the ability to make moral and ethical judgments is lacking. Because the worlds of hell, hungry spirits and animals all represent conditions of suffering, they are collectively known as the Three Evil Paths.
In ancient Indian mythology asuras were contentious demons. A characteristic of the world of asuras, or the life state of anger, is an obsession with personal superiority or self-importance, a tendency to always compare oneself to others and want to be better than them. Another characteristic of this life state is the “perversity” of concealing one’s true feelings in order to ingratiate oneself with others.”
I remember really wanting that hoover, although I knew he had no feelings for me at all I still wanted the validation that my fuel was worthy. It also gives us the chance to ignore them and regain some of the power. you don’t need him to validate you BC30 there are so many reasons why he may not hoover, his fuel is being met, you may have been too challenging, wounded him too severely. unless he is a greater, his fuel will always have peaks and troughs and the troughs probably won’t last too long Ns are incredibly adaptable. Hard as it is, concentrate on you and love for yourself.
Alexis, as long as you’re on here, please clarify Darren and Sharon in UK. I thought “Sharon-&-Tracy” were loud, low-class, and vulgar like Birds of a Feather. Have they become like Karens in the US, entitled middle-class Soccer Moms who Complain to the Management?
What do Darrens do?
Not to my knowledge Violets, Darren and Sharon were considered as you say loud, low class etc I don’t think people really use those terms anymore but I could be wrong. I’d never heard of a Karen since it was mentioned the other day. That’s helpful to understand what a Karen is. Thanks
Thank you, Alexis.
There’s even a Karen haircut: long graduated bob with harsh streaks:
https://i.redd.it/mznu1bvi1or21.jpg
https://i.redd.it/u365ryhaokd41.jpg
https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/453/670/3c8.png
Hahhaha oh god! I’m going to have to check this out hahahs
Gosh and would you say people called Karen tend to fit the stereotype? I’ve had a google. Over here although there is no stereotype for Karen it is generally a name given to people who are lower middle or upper working class. Definitely not an upper middle class name as I’m the states.
That’s the haircut my former MR close friend always has. Except that the color is intense auburn red. My husband called it the bitch cut and he has told me for years that he’s not sure which one he hated more, my friend or her hair but he thought it matched her perfectly.
Let me be clear. I am under no illusion he’s cares about me. He doesn’t even know me. I only want him to suffer low fuel levels. My fuel was “worthy” long enough to be good for years, but truly the fact that he thinks he is superior is delusion. Meanwhile, I’m redecorating my entire home. Just ordered new furniture and rugs among many others things to change along with personal development.
Wahoo! Go BC30! I hope he suffers low fuel levels too.
Thanks!! I decided on purple for the accent color in my living room. I’ve taken the suggestions made and support given here to heart.
oooh sounds lovely. I went for a duck blue. My hsuband thinks it’s grey! but it’s not! Every male who comes to our house (because I now have to ask every single person who enters my home even if they’re just here to do a job of some description) also sees grey, all females see duck blue. Purple is a fab colour BC!
Alexis:
Can you give a link to the color on the paint website? (If HG allows.) I want to see if my color palate is male or female.
To link this back to our main topic, HG, what do you think about all those Harry Potter alumni turning on Rowling because of her alleged transphobia?
Forget the colours, this isn’t Colour Me Beautiful.
Ungrateful, talentless and wooden.Especially Watson the SJW. As a witch I’d like to see her Virtue Signal her way out of an introduction to HG’s Pear of Anguish.
Actually, they’re thinking of redesigning the gynecological speculum to resemble that, rather than the present salad-tongs model. Supposed to be less uncomfortable.
Riiiiiight.
Oh dear …
‘Til death do us part’
That could be romantic if it wasn’t so dread inducing when it comes to the narcissist.
I was told by mine “Never assume.” What a trusty bomb that is. Great article.
Mine used to tell me to stop assuming things about him too, but I realise that was just a manipulation to get me to doubt myself at times when I thought he did not have my best interests at heart, that’s when he would tell me not to make assumptions about him lol
Now I’m learning to trust my instincts about people more, both narcs and normals/empaths
Yes, it’s a long process, but one which will serve us well.
instinct is an interesting one. I believe in it because I have it. However, it’s not concrete evidence. Therefore people often don’t support the “feelings” we have. Nor should they. However I do think empaths pick up on subtleties in body language , tone of voice, etc. And there often IS evidence of our “feeling” but we choose to ignore the evidence… squashing it down as If our opinion doesn’t matter.
For example. We can have a “feeling” or instinct someone is cheating without actually catching them in the act. So how do we resolve that feeling ? We can look for the evidence… what’s giving us that feeling. Are we being treated differently? Is our partners routine changing etc. We ask if they’re cheating they claim with tenacity they are not… hell mine had other female products in his bathroom and passed them off as his own !!! we don’t have to believe them… we can trust ourselves.
So we can trust our instincts. And look for evidence to support it. Or just believe ourselves and even if we are wrong… oh well… then we were wrong. But we were doing what makes us most comfortable and that’s what’s important.
E007 I think you’re right we do have a ‘feeling’ something is not right but that is probably based on behaviors which indicate something is not right. They may have been so subtle we weren’t consciously aware of them but it prompts that feeling you describe, that something is not right.