The Immediate Aftermath of Disengagement
You have been dis-engaged from. The all too inevitable entanglement with our kind. Whether we disappeared without a word, told you we needed space for ourselves or hurled insults at you as to why we hated you and wanted you to drop dead, the fact remains you have been dis-engaged from. Your emotions are raw as this event was only a couple of weeks ago.
To exacerbate this unpleasant, bewildering and upsetting situation you know that we have a new love interest. With what seemed to you to be unnatural haste, we have been seen with a new lady on our arm, your stalking of our Facebook profile reveals we have a new boyfriend from the plethora of loved-up comments and repeated pictures of us arm in arm, grinning out at you as if we are revelling in your misery. You have not yet ascertained that as we devalued you, your replacement was being seduced and to all intents and purposes we appear to have dumped you and secured another partner in the blink of an eye. How could we do this? After all the things we said to you and all the deep and unwavering love that you have showed us, how could we be so uncaring, so nasty, such a downright bastard?
Your head is a whirlwind of questions? Why did he end things? Why did she do it that way? Who is the new person? What if they are happy together forever? What did you do wrong? What about sorting out those joint financial commitments? Could you have done something differently? Is there a chance of working things out? How can someone change like that? These questions and hundreds more torment you and it becomes unbearable. You need to talk to us. You alternate between hurt and angry, shifting between wanting to plead with us for another chance and then wanting to kick us in the balls. Most of all however, you want answers.
What then will happen if you decide to approach us during the aftermath? What reaction will you be met with if you send a message asking for answers to your questions or if you turn up somewhere to meet us in person for the purpose of obtaining some explanations? Naturally, at this juncture, undoubtedly unaware of who you have been entangled with, you do not know that you will not be given those answers. In part this is because there are no answers to give – why should we deign to answer you and do something that you want? Furthermore, many times we just do not have an answer because of the different perspective from which we operate. Add to that we will purposefully avoid giving you answers in order to keep you primed for a later hoover, to draw fuel from you and to frustrate you also.
As you may imagine, the reaction of our kind to being contacted during the initial aftermath of the dis-engagement will vary dependent on the school of narcissist that you have been dealing with. Before that is addressed, you should be aware of our general mind set at this time. You failed us. You may not have done anything wrong from your perspective but we regard you as having failed us and this led to our fuel needs being sought elsewhere and once they were secured, you were dis-engagement from. This is the most common reason for being discarded; we found a new primary source and once we were satisfied that this person was embedded, then we tossed you to one side. There are other reasons why you are discarded (see 5 Reasons We Discard You ) but the fact we have a new primary source embedded is the most common one.
When that happens we are infatuated with the new primary source. You are effectively forgotten about. You were once idealised, then you were demonised and now it is as if you do not exist because we have someone new and exciting to focus on. We do not want anything spoiling this golden period least of all the last appliance which failed us and malfunctioned and had to be placed on the scrap heap. Accordingly, if you make an appearance in some way by entering a sphere of influence (The Spheres of Influence) then our reaction will be based on you being persona non grata and if you persist our view of you is one of antipathy, dislike and you are painted black.
Turning to the three schools of narcissism for their nuanced response to your appearance.
There is a good chance that the Lesser will have blocked you from social media and contacting him as part of him considering you effectively dead to him. If he has not done so and you send a message it will be ignored. He has no interest in drawing fuel from you at this point, someone else is servicing his fuel needs and you are just an irritant. If you persist in ringing or sending messages you can expect the following responses:-
“Stop ringing me I hate you.”
“Stop sending me messages, I don’t want anything to do with you.”
“Keep contacting me and I will come down there and give you a kicking.”
The message is clear; you are unwelcome and the Lesser Narcissist wants nothing to do with you.
If you see the Lesser Narcissist and try to talk to him, he will evade you, tell you where to go and make a hasty retreat. He is not interested in you and if you try to stop him you can expect a savage verbal assault or even a physical assault as he wants you to leave him alone so he can concentrate on his new primary source. He has nothing to discuss with you, has no interest in fuel from you at this point and would prefer you to be dead.
If you are attempting to contact the Mid-Ranger through messages and telephoning you will also be ignored initially. If you persist in trying to make contact with him or her for the purposes of getting some answers, you can expect the following responses:-
“Leave me alone, I have nothing to say to you.”
“Stop stalking me.”
“Keep this up and I am informing the police.”
“Just stop, it is over, you have to accept it.”
The paranoia of the Mid-Ranger will mean that he is concerned you will wreck things with his new primary source by telling lies (the truth) about him. Whilst you’re contacting him, he will be showing the new primary source that you are pestering him to accord with the smearing you will have already received. This smearing will continue as you are painted as an obsessive who will not let go, a stalker with mental health issues and a bunny boiler who cannot accept the relationship is over. The new primary source, the façade, the coterie and the Lieutenants will all be told about this ongoing behaviour (suitably embellished) so you are regarded as crazy and out of order. The Mid-Ranger thus preserves the façade and creates a toxic environment so if you do manage to see him or her face to face, you will not be believed and seen as trouble maker.
If an in person encounter takes place, you can expect the Mid-Ranger to want to get the hell out of there. He is preoccupied with the new primary source, he does not want you spoiling that arrangement and wants you to disappear. Lacking the aggression of the Lesser, he will wheel out Lieutenants to make you go away, threaten the use of law enforcement and appeal to others to see exactly why he needed to get rid of you in the first place. He also does not want fuel from you, he just wants you to clear off and leave him to get on with his new play thing unhindered.
It is the Greater who welcomes you foolishly getting in touch during his new golden period with the replacement primary source. Suitably confident of his abilities and this new entranced primary source, if you begin to message him, he will seize on this chance to triangulate you with the new primary source, to punish you for failing him and to manipulate you further.
Your text messages and calls will be met with a friendly and amenable response. All the while, the Greater, already having smeared you left, right and centre, will be revelling in you trying to broker a meet-up in order to talk. He will be telling the façade and coterie that he feels sorry for you, that he needs to humour you so you don’t do anything crazy and thus paints himself as the good guy to all those watching. His responses will be along the lines of:-
“Good to hear from you, I hope you are well, what do you want to talk about?”
(What he really means is, good to hear from you because I can manipulate you, I know you aren’t well but what do I care, make me feel special by telling me what you want to talk about.)
“Well, yes we can meet-up but you do know I am with someone else now don’t you, so don’t get any ideas okay?”
“I don’t really see what there is to talk about, but I am willing to listen, I am reasonable.”
“Yes okay we can meet up if it will help you deal with what has happened.”
This apparent caring attitude and pleasantness is all fake. You are being strung along.
When you do meet the Greater, you can expect the new primary source to be there to add to your humiliation as the Greater looks lovingly at her, says good things about her and then when she goes to get a drink, the Greater will lean across the table and snarl at you for having the audacity to get in touch.
If the new primary source is not brought along, the Greater will toy with you, like a cat with a mouse. Letting you speak, enjoying the fuel as you plead, cry and become angry with him or her. He will feign dismay at your behaviour whilst inside he is laughing at you, pleased with this further boost of fuel, supremely confident that you cannot wreck his new golden period because you have been smeared and character assassinated to a figurative death. Nobody is going to believe you and therefore he is not going to pass up the chance to draw fuel from you, both positive and negative once again. He of the three is the one who is content to respond and meet with you, not that it will get you anywhere at all.
Tempting as it is to want to contact the narcissist when you have been dis-engaged from and he is in a new golden period, you will get nowhere. He has someone new now and wants to focus on her. You are an irritant, an annoyance, a reminder of failure or in the case of the Greater something to toy with further for the purpose of gaining fuel. Instead, use the period whilst the narcissist is distracted with his new plaything to build your defences, gain understanding and prepare for the hoovers which will be following down the line.
5 thoughts on “The Immediate Aftermath of Disengagement”
I have been educating myself on having a relationship with a narcissist because I realized I was in one. I’m sickened by how text book his behavior is and I only wish I would have had my eyes opened to this fact 5 years ago before I ended a solid marriage if 30 years for this narcissist. I’m grateful to say that having educated myself, I am able to see his lies, deception, selfishness, cruelty, mental and some physical abuse, very clearly and I have kicked him out of my heart and life. Because he has a landline and pushes special numbers on his phone, I can’t block his calls but I don’t answer them. He leaves ugly hurtful messages. I don’t know why he keeps calling but I guess I’m going to have to go through the hassle of changing my number. I’m pretty fragile right now and am lacking in self esteem but I do know that with prayer and self love, I will be a resemblance of myself again. These posts really help.
Hello Annie, good to see that my material is helping you. The hassle of changing your number is well worth doing so because keeping open an electronic communication is the commission of no contact suicide and must be avoided. I recommend that you undertake a Narc Detector Consultation to determine what school of narcissist you are dealing with, so you can the, with my help, build the most effective no contact regime.
I would rather be told to fuck off than have the Greater manipulations. The niceness mixed in with cruelty makes it very difficult to take–esp. under the guise of ‘being helpful’.
That was what caused me a lot of PTSD damage after the Mid Ranger. It wasn’t ‘losing’ him in the end (b/c by the end I realized I never even knew who he was anyway) but all the ideas he espoused about me–‘you seem so lonely, Your neediness is repellent–not you, just your neediness. You really need to talk to someone so you can get over me. You have been obsessed with me.’
It was terrible to feel this. I felt like a boring loser that he was just ‘being nice’ to despite ‘having outgrown me’. Maybe I was delusional. After all, who was I to think I mattered to someone I only corresponded with? Maybe I did demand too much. (Honesty.)
While it is true that I definitely allowed myself to get too emotionally attached, that did not happen on its own. He never took any responsibility. Even about his fake name he said, ‘Well, it is my middle name and mother’s maiden name so technically it is still my name.’
Sure it is. ‘Technically’.
I have been struggling to determine what level he was. Today you have been particularly helpful, HG. Thank you.
You are welcome.