A Sense of Loss

A-SENSE-OF-LOSS

 

People always struggle with loss. It might be at the top of the scale where you have suffered a bereavement and lost a well-loved family member. It could be the loss of your home where you have lived for twenty years, owing to damage or repossession. It may be the loss of your job, a loss of good health all the way down to something far less important but a loss never the same, of your favourite restaurant when it closes or your daily caffeine injection from a coffee shop because you are economising.

Take something away from someone and they will experience sadness, frustration, upset, anger and sometimes confusion. Since people are governed by emotions rather than cool, hard logic, the loss of something often has a devastating and traumatic effect, especially in respect of major losses such as a spouse or partner. Once upon  a time your parents seemed as if they would live forever. They were always there. They raised you, guided you and supported you.

They let you find your own way through life but if ever you needed them they were always there to listen and help and then one day you find they have gone and you are left with a huge black hole in your life. Your best friend who you have known for over twenty-five years was a huge part of your life.

You spoke daily, laughed about your younger selves and the scrapes you got into, supported one another and cruised through life like the dynamic duo until they have gone and you feel a massive void since their departure to the next life or another continent, dependent on the circumstances. Remove something from a person’s life and they are left with hurt, despondency and despair. This is all the more so when it is something or someone wonderful and delightful. Then the emptiness becomes a howling wilderness.

Of course we are fully aware of how loss affects people from our repeated study of people. We also know that being able to gift someone something wonderful and then remove it, is a sign of considerable power. A power that can be wielded with considerable effects. The power of withdrawal, even if just threatened, can bring about an extreme reaction in the subject. This is something we are fully aware of and something which we take advantage of.

We gave you everything in the beginning. We provided you with a love beyond compare, a dizzying array of compliments, a barrage of desire and a tsunami of flattery. We raised you up, higher and higher and sprayed you with affection, passion and generosity.

The light was bright, warm and golden and we let it shine every day just for you. We allowed you to bask in this golden period of utter ecstasy and in return you gave us everything that you had in pursuit of the maintenance of this golden period. Without warning we withdrew it.

The door was closed and the shutters lowered and once where you had walked happily and freely you too found yourself transported to the howling wilderness where you stood alone beneath grey, leaden skies as a cold and unforgiving wind whipped around you. It felt like someone had died.

Whereas once we uttered such sweet, sweet words to you, there is now only silence. The reassuring embrace of our arms and lips has somehow vanished and you feel stripped and vulnerable. All of the places we took you to and shared seem so distant and you begin to wonder whether they really happened. Alone and distraught,you wander this wilderness searching for us.

Occasionally you catch a glimpse of us but in an instant we have disappeared as you stumble along. The kindness has been removed. The long nights of sexual congress which went beyond anything you have experienced before has been taken away, leaving your bed a cold,hard slab where rest is to be endured rather than enjoyed.

If we even grace you with our presence in that place where we once coupled each and every night, a writhing mass of limbs and mouths that explored and pleasured, all you know now is our back which is defiantly presented to you each night. That’s if we even come to bed at all. The spare room or the sofa seem to attract us more than you these days.

We know that taking away this passion, desire, interest, largesse and kindness is like a hammer blow. It is as if we have died but yet you can still see us, touch us and hear us which makes the sense of loss even greater and all the more confusing. Like a pet-owner dangling a bone in front of a salivating puppy, we occasionally open the shutters and allow the golden period to return and the joy and the relief which washes over you at the restoration of his oh most glorious time is electrifying and so is the extent of your gratitude and delight. Yet it is ephemeral. It is like a wonderful dream that has transported you away from all the hurt and misery, but just like a dream when you open your eyes in the morning, it has gone.

The power that comes with withdrawal and your predictable reaction to it, mean that it is a method of manipulation that cannot be ignored. To bestow and then deny has you caught in the strings of our puppetry as we jerk you back and forth between granting those things that you desire the most and then taking them away from you. Your reactions and the control this grants us means that it is so simple yet so effective and something we can never withdraw from doing.

9 thoughts on “A Sense of Loss

  1. Ashley says:

    I hated feeling so utterly abandoned & disregarded when I loved them SO much. The feeling of unexpected loss is so baffling & overwhelmingly painful. I wish I could go back in time & tell myself that it’s simply just what they do!

    1. smarinucci1970 says:

      ASHLEY SO TRUE, NO YOU CAN’T GO BACK IN TIME JUST FORWARD UNFORTUNATELY WE’RE THINKING BEINGS AND THAT CERTAINLY GETS IN MY WAY SOMETIMES ESPECIALLY WITH CHILDHOOD MEMORIES ALWAYS NEGATIVE IT STOPS ME IN MY TRACKS AND THEN WITH MY MARRIAGE TO GENE THIS OCTOBER WOULD HAVE BEEN 50 YEARS, THE CHILDREN THE GRANDCHILDREN NEVER TO BE ,ALL BECAUSE HE HAD TO CONTROL EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE WHY ??? POWER . THANK GOD EVERY DAY FOR OUR HG. TUDOR FOR GIVING THIS PEACE I WOULD’VE TOTALetLY LOST MY MARBLES ,⚘💋

      1. Ashley says:

        💖💖

  2. lickemtomorrow says:

    “It felt like someone had died.”

    Yes, it did.

    By far the most cruel weapon in the ‘devil’s toolkit’.

    And the most damaging.

    None of us deserved that.

  3. Of course the pain is always there I trusted you I loved you held you in my arms I was there when you were lonely I was there when you were upset I taught you how to take care of your health problems now I have them I can’t get this out of my system I could divert my thinking I can get on with some things in life but once I Give Myself Away how do I get it back ,well I’ve learned more about you I’ve learned more about me and where I came from and why I’m like this so you taught me a lot but I’m done ,I’m done , I will always be open to your kind I was groomed for this as a little one but now I’m sure I’m colder now I’m not as friendly now . I stayed Young until 61 years old and then you came here made me say things I would never say to anyone made me get angry lose my emotions I didn’t want to be like my mother and father and argue .argue in the street say terrible words you brought me low you brought me high sometimes. You taught me I can get ready and look beautiful for any occasion in 10 minutes you did a lot and you did a lot of damage and we spoke about it recently you said you were sorry you brought me cards you begged at the door you called me almost a hundred times ,I begged for peace and quiet and calm you stopped every day ,you argued every day outside cuz I wouldn’t let you in I will never get over you . I guess that makes you win doesn’t it somewhat but I’m stronger I know why to all my questions HG has taught me why and I’m so thankful for your kind your kind brought me into the world you’re kind gave me my looks which until recently looked good your kind showed me so much and isn’t it ironic that your kind has taught me how to watch out for your kind how to not trust your kind , how not to get ensnared again .you’re kind hurt me you’re kind gave me life your kind almost gave me death your kind is giving me every kind of health problem out there almost but your kind has taught me for life , thank you HG.

    1. lisk says:

      sm1970,

      Have you ever read Gabor Maté’s book, When the Body Says No?

      It’s helped explain an illness I had (and since recovered from) after having been exposed to too much Narcx stress.

      1. smarinucci1970 says:

        No list I have not read it I have read a lot on health body and mind medical and meditation and it’s worked for me until now until 61 when male narc friend came to work

        1. lisk says:

          I hope you give it a try, at least read or listen to a sample of it, in case it may be helpful to you.

          1. Thanks Lisk, I’LL GIVE IT A SHOT . I HAVE SAVED MYSELF MANY TIMES WITH DIFFERENT TECHNIQUES THAT I FOUND HELPFUL SUCH AS #1. MUSIC MY HUBBY WAS ALSO I GREAT JAZZ MUSICIAN SO ALL THROUGH OUR MARRIAGE WE HAD AN ABUNDANT AMOUNT OF MUSIC .
            #2 I HAVE TO BE BY MYSELF , AWAY FROM THE MADDING CROWD. IT ALWAYS RESTORES MY ENERGY
            #3 I PAINT PICTURES FLOWERS POND’S LAKES NITE SKY .
            #4 I HAVE TO 🐱🐶🐎🐾 SPEND TIME WITH ANIMALS ALL KINDS EVERY HOMELESS ONE GETS TO EAT EVERY NITE HERE MY VICTORIAN PORCH SEATS MANY AT NITE THE GARAGES PROVIDE SANCTUARY FOR THE HUNGRY AND COLD THE YARD IS CLOSED BY ALL AROUND HIGH LOVELY FENCING THREES & FLOWERS LARGE VARIETIES OF BIRDS, BLUE JAYS CARDINALS AND MY FAVORITE ( THE RAVEN ) .
            #5 DEEP TISSUE MASSAGE OR JAPANESE MASSAGE, ,I TOOK A COURSE IN THIS SO I COULD HELP MY HUSBAND AND THEN LATER MY PATIENTS , FOLLOWED BY HOT SHOWER IN LAVENDER SOAP ..
            THATS WHAT MAKES LIFE BETTER AFTER MY HEARTSHIPS WITH THE NARCISSTS IN MY WORLD PAST , PRESENT AND FUTURE .H.G. ALSO PLAYS A REALLY BIG PART IN MY REPAIR, REREADING OLD COMMENTS AND ARTICLES FROM BEFORE I WAS ON BOARD PROVIDES A CLEARER EXPLANATION INTO THIS DARKER
            SIDE OF THE HUMAN MIND .THANKS .ALL

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