The Ten Initial Desires of the Narcissist
I am red of tooth and claw. I seduce, I hurt, I cast to one side and like some malevolent Pied Piper, I play my tunes once again and draw you into my fabricated world. I operate a zero sum policy. I want what you have. If I gain it, I win. I love to win. I must always win. The winner is the conqueror, the strongest and the survivor. This is what I have been taught. That is the reality of my existence. Yet when you have been selected as our targets and the seduction has commenced, we have certain desires that we want to be true. There are initial desires that exist so that we do not have to go down the road so often travelled. We may have ensnared you but might we remain protector rather than persecutor?
We have these wants at the outset of our coupling with you. These are genuine, well-intentioned and considerable in nature. We are imbued with hope, optimism and confidence, every time a new prospect has been embraced by us. We want these things so that the teeth are never bared and the claws remain lowered.
- You are the one
I chose you because you are so special. I truly believe that you are the one, this time, to change everything that has happened before. You are the one who will save us, you have been selected beyond everybody else because you are the one. That is why we have such an infatuation with you at the outset of our relationship.
- You will not betray us.
The world is a cruel and harsh place and we know better than most how that is the case. We are surrounded by those who would strike us down and grind us into the nothingness which we fear. Those assassins lurk and wait, seeking their moment and we must ensure we remain vigilant so we do not fall prey to them. Traitors and betrayers mill about us, but we are wise to them. We know their game and we have them in our eye. We do not want you to be one of them.
- You won’t be like the others
We thought they would be the ones that we desired but they disappointed and dismayed and they left us no choice other than to punish them for their lack of loyalty and their false promises. We had to do so, otherwise a failure to act would only compound the perception of our weakness and we must at all times project to the world our image of success and magnificence. We hope you will not be like them so we need not maintain such a façade and we hope you will prove your worth so that you will not be like the others and let us down.
- You will stop the emptiness
Each and every day we must seek to fill the void that lurks within. It is part of what we are and we accept that this is the task which must be addressed because so much rests on being able to perform this important act. It is the reason for our existence but perhaps you can stop that sense of emptiness for us. Perhaps you can take away that void and provide us with the substance that we crave.
- You quell the fury
It is always there, churning away, waiting to be unleashed and directed at some transgressor, critic or traitor. I have learned to control it, many of my kind cannot do so and will never do so, it is a mark of my excellence and my superiority. I make it work for me, to advance my plans and to smite my foes. I have no choice for it is always there, waiting to be ignited in an instant. I can control it but I cannot quell it. Can you be the one to do this for me?
- You won’t get too close
Perhaps if you avoid getting too close to us you will not then let us down like the others before you have. We hope that you can provide us with all the things that we desire without the need to invade our inner sanctum which must remain locked and shuttered. Do not attempt to enter there for the consequences are too dreadful, for us both. Do not get too close and perhaps we have a chance to achieve the other desires that we wish for.
- You really do love us
They all seem to do so at the beginning but then we find ourselves surrounded by charlatans, con-merchants and frauds. Why does this always happen? All we want is for you to love us, unconditionally and eternally. That is what we only ever wanted.
- You will not wound us
No matter how grand and imperial we are, no matter how magnificent our achievements and our deportment that signals to the world that we are truly brilliant, a leader in our field, a behemoth and a colossus, we can be wounded with such despicable ease by those who send criticism our way. It hurts, it burns and it wounds and we must defend ourselves against such unwarranted and disgusting behaviour. Perhaps you will be the one who will not wound us in this way.
- You will not leave
Don’t leave us. The others have always done so. We do not understand why that is after everything that we have done, all the things we endeavoured to do to please them and then this is what happens. The others leave us twice. They come with such promise and deliver for a time but then they do so no longer and through such an omission they leave us. We want that person to return but struggle to contain the fury which is unleashed from this horrible criticism of us and then you sever all possibility of a return when you walk away from us. Do you know who you are when you do that?
- You won’t make us leave you.
Please do not do the things which force us away from you. The others all headed down that path. It causes us to consider that we are cursed, forever burdened by the fate that we will have no choice other than to leave you in order to secure our survival. Perhaps you can be the one who prevents that feeling from happening?
Each and every time these ten desires loom large when we commence our engagement with you. Some show such promise and for such a time and then one by one these desires are crushed, shattered and obliterated. We know only one way to respond to the destruction of our desires because we are red of tooth and claw.
65 thoughts on “The Ten Initial Desires of the Narcissist”
Is anyone’s narc addiction being triggered by the lastest season of “good girls” or is it just me?
But is it a disorder or a just different, minority perspective?
I do hope HG writes about how the world would likely be if everyone was a narcissist.
It is labelled a disorder by the majority perspective. It is both a disorder and a different, minority perspective, but the same thing is described differently, dependent on the relevant perspective.
“It is labelled a disorder by the majority perspective. It is both a disorder and a different, minority perspective, but the same thing is described differently, dependent on the relevant perspective.”
That is an important distinction and I stand corrected. I should have said it is considered a disorder according to the majority perspective and that is why a greater number of people will continue to question the behaviours and fail to understand why narcissists do not recognize it and change to adopt the majority perspective.
My comment was just a succinct reminder that they do not think as we do, so the continued hope that they will somehow see that their behaviour is not acceptable to the majority and change to suit that majority perspective is futile. They do not see their behaviours as wrong (for them) so see no reason to change. Witness how resistant to changing our behaviours empaths are with regard to involvement with narcissists, and we are NOT deemed disordered (at least currently haha).
That would definitely make an interesting read BC.
Doing the same thing over and over and over and over again, never a moment of introspection, childish infatuation, no self-actualization, instead hoping to be given something that cannot be given without any hope of release from the cycle.
“never a moment of introspection”–well, there is plenty of that on Narcsite, but you can’t analyze your way out of being a tiger or a crocodile.
No matter how many times a snake sheds its skin, it’s still a snake.
“Doing the same thing over and over and over and over again, never a moment of introspection, childish infatuation, no self-actualization, instead hoping to be given something that cannot be given without any hope of release from the cycle.”
Remember: Narcissism is a disorder. Not a hobby.”
It is what it is.
HG you are wonderful.
First of all I would like to thank you for your very informative articles and YouTube videos. I have however just read this article and take issue with a couple of things.
Firstly, all solid relationships are based on give and take and after the initial your kind seem to thrive on take and dump on a continuous basis.
Secondly, it would be nice for your kind to realise that yes, you don’t have empathy but other people do and while you might not intend to hurt us with your words etc. It does. Moral of this point is that if you would not like it said to you why would you say it to someone else?
I am a Super Empath and we give and give but when we see your kind just take and take, use, abuse, gaslight, triangulation, I mean come on HG, a line has to be drawn somewhere. My kind care and are full of good see and your kind take and enjoy the goodness fuel that comes your way. Perhaps if you took a step back and viewed it from a place that is not selfish and there is some sense of equality there your kind and my kind might get on better.
I have a feeling you met your match in a Super Empath and were hurt. Please remember we do not set out to hurt people as that hurts us to, but there is only so much bulls..t we will take, can take before we say enough is enough. Something your kind don’t seem to understand. Maybe someday your kind will wake up and wise up.
Now knowing your kind HG, I can only imagine you will take both good a bad fuel from this post and that is fine. At the end of the day I effectively can glory in my goodness and ‘in built fuel of goodness and giving’ all day everyday and be myself at the same time. Jealous HG?
Such delightful naivety. Keep reading DB.
Thank you HG will do. I somewhere in that comment is a compliment…
I suppose “Keep reading” could be considered a compliment.
Very informative you tube videos and articles were a compliment.
I strongly suggest reading:
HG, some people just cant handle the truth and its is frightening for them.
“, it would be nice for your kind to realise that yes, you don’t have empathy but other people do and while you might not intend to hurt us”
They do understand. They don’t care.
I don’t entirely get it. I don’t have the inclination to hurt people unless they’ve behaved like an enemy and I’m tempted to retaliate. I suppose I could envision narcs as people who see the entire world as their enemy and every interaction as a disguised attempt to make them the victim, but they tend to target sweet, vulnerable types, not the authority figures who enrage me most.
Some years ago there was a study in which one group of kittens were free to move about as they wished, but they were attached to some sort of lever that moved a second group of kittens, who were restrained in a seat like a carnival ride, in the same patterns. The 2nd group saw everything the 1st group saw, but couldn’t control their movements.
As they grew, the 1st group developed normally, but the 2nd group couldn’t navigate, long after the restrained “rides” were stopped. They could see, and they could move, but they couldn’t put the two together to steer themselves towards food or away from a perceived danger. Some developmental window had been missed.
Narcs didn’t develop compassion at some crucial point. The brighter ones will have an abstract understanding of it, but that’s not the same as feeling it. The ones of middling intelligence may think they feel it–Overwhelming Angels and Angels With Dirty Faces are great for that–but they don’t either. They just feel the warm glow of knowing what do-goodin’ special folks they are.
Your final paragraph is a useful summary.
I’ve been learning from the best.
Correct and thank you.
You are welcome. Btw, my comment on the latest DM Harry and Meghan article, advising readers to ‘See Dropping the Narc Bomb” & “Isolation” on HG Tudor’s Narcsite, as well as the “Royal Narcissist” series’ has garnered over 200 up-arrows. Yahoo isn’t allowing comments right now, but word about your work is still getting around.
I’ll admit, I’d be puzzled myself at her expecting people not to notice her inconsistent statements, thinking that no one could find the documentation to discredit them, or supposing that the Scobie book would clear their (her) reputation instead of making them look worse than ever, if I hadn’t been reading Narcsite.
Thank you for spreading the word.
I agree with everything you say in the last paragraph. The study of the kittens was an interesting analogy.
I know narcissists have no empathy and try their level best to understand what it is and pretend they have empathy. No matter what altercations I have had with narcissists (again never a willing altercation on my part, sometimes magnetise to me, go figure)means, I still feel sorry for them. I know many narcissists out there will think and view this as weakness but it really isn’t. It’s just my genuine oneness and inherent goodness. I just can’t imagine going through life and not having any empathy. Then from the narcissists point of view they never have had empathy, never will have empathy. But they are good actors and know how to take emotion and mirror us. They also don’t care either way. It’s a shame and sad really. At least I genuinely care.
I do not think they understand. They comprehend.
You’ve missed the point. 99% of narcs geuinely believe they hold affective (emotional) empathy.They believe they are good people. So, as they go through life, they dont miss what they dont have because they genuinely feel they have it. It’s a subtle difference.
Take for example, my Father. Dyed in the wool narcus narcus.
Months ago, we were talking and he said, ‘I’m the most empathic person I know!’. You literally couldn’t write it
Spotting a narc is not always easy. Because you have to factor in Empaths who might be displaying a momentary lapse of empathy.
Sooner or later, over a pattern of time, they do give themselves away. The obvious shortcut is the NDC.
I’m geuinely intrigued if you are a SE. Why don’t you do the test?
Thank you for your comment. I have taken the test and I am SE. I only found out about all this in the last couple of years. HG, has advised on reading up which is what I am doing and will continue to do. I am wary but also empathic. I know to put up a shield so as not to be drained of energy. Since I left the narcissist, dealing with the smear campaign was something else which is how I came to know about narcissists etc. I am very thankful to still have kindness and genuine goodness within me after that.
Have you? I don’t recognise your details.
HG, was done under a different name, details etc. I have only become aware that narcissists exist in the last couple of years and mainly thanks to the fantastic wealth of information that you have provided on YouTube and here that I finally was able to understand why I always felt something was off but just couldn’t figure out what. I have been reading and watching with interest your articles and videos and I also find some comments that people post very helpful aswell. It’s amazing how all off our dealings with narcissists are very alike. I have only started commenting recently, I have taken your advice to hand and will continue reading everything. Your advuce, articles and videos have been invaluable. I’m very grateful. Thank you.
I understand, thank you for clarifying.
You are welcome.
Glad you understand. Thanks HG.
I will join this bandwagon of make believe and say that hg invented a category just for me… super toxik baddie
(Toxik spelt with a k to distinguish from narc toxicity)
This is a brilliant comment Ren so true
“No matter what altercations I have had with narcissists (again never a willing altercation on my part, sometimes magnetise to me, go figure)means, I still feel sorry for them. I know many narcissists out there will think and view this as weakness but it really isn’t. It’s just my genuine oneness and inherent goodness.”
I shall not pretend to match such blanket turning-the-other-cheek. I haven’t slugged anybody in years, but I frequently want to.
In my experience as a co-dependant (which has been since I had the misfortune of being born to a “victim” narc) narcs DO want to “love” you, hurt you, and do whatever they can to get an emotional reaction and attention. This is what fuel is.
I know it’s difficult to fathom, but if you are truly a super empathy, then you are the antithesis of the narc. You are as full of love, life, and light as they are empty (save anger and hate). Not unlike a black hole they want to suck the empathy and goodness from your very soul, and leave you as empty, hurt, and dead inside as they are.
They are envious, and want what you have, because they know that while they can mimick your better attributes that they can never possess those attributes themselves. In their jealousy and rage they will seek to destroy that which they can not possess.
This is not to say that they aren’t still human. No one is born a narc, but rather narcs are made in early childhood when they are betrayed and wounded by those who they are supposed to trust wholly to protect, nurture, and love them. Often a parent or other close authority/parental figure.
I have seen behind the mask of a narcissist, and beneath the protective layer of anger, deep inside the dark, obsidian hole of nothingness is the narcissistic wound. This wound never heals, but festers and seethes with the poison of the first great betrayal. This poison, this pain, is what they want to give you in exchange for all they take (and they will take until there is nothing left to take).
They often want others to experience their pain, because they feel as if no one can possibly understand or relate to them and how they feel. While it is accepted that this is because they know that they are so uniquely special that no one else could possibly feel the way they feel, this is also a projection of their own alienation and inability to relate to others.
Personally, I have wished numerous times that I could somehow help narcs I have cared about. That I could somehow heal their wound, or at least help them to recognize it and set them on the path to help themselves. It’s really a shame that we all have to start out that naieve.
In practice it ALWAYS ends horribly for those who try.
I hope this helps you to gain some understanding and insight, and hopefully will save you some pain.
They DO intend to hurt us as that is what gives the narc their sense of control and superiority.The bigger the drop for the empath the better , hence the stark contrast between golden period and devaluation.
I could be totally wrong but that is what I feel and got a nice dollop of .
The intent is control and fuel, the hurt is a collateral consequence.
Might just be me, most empaths tend not to view themselves as powerful as this implies. Similarly I can’t imagine ever glorying in my goodness either. I’m a long way off being that good. Maybe it’s a SE thing.
1 one of the first things my narcissist said to me was he though I was a misfit different from everyone else I have always felt that way and at the time I thought he understood me now I realise that was about him not me HG why do narcissists try to destroy the things they are attracted to in others I understand fuel but if they stop us from being who we are naturally they don’t get the fuel they once did
Narcissists rarely intend to destroy because
1. You are of no use to use destroyed.
2. The Prime Aims are what we want, however, adverse consequences will arise as a consequence of seeking and achieving those aims and occasionally that includes destruction.
So Is it more about control than destruction then ?
So, it’s okay for narcs to: betray, devalue, chwat, silent treatment, leave, hoover, hoover some more and hoover again?
One “Law” for narcs. No “rights” for everyone else.
It’s not on.
I believe one of the best hoovers you can get these days is manufactured by Dyson, another one manufactured by Shark….. hmmm.
Oh, yes…. Shark the Narc 😂
Its not on. Of course it is not, but bemoaning the unfairness of it all is like watching your house on fire and saying it is not fair, your house is still on fire and you are doing nothing about it.
Glad you say it’s not on.
If I cry enough it may put the fire out…
Emotional Thinking, again. I know.
Thank you ☺
Unfortunately, as a rule, life and love are rarely ideal or fair. You can either accept this as an unfortunate fact and be realistic (particularly if you are unlucky enough to find yourself “in love” with a narc), or you can put on blinders and find yourself consistently disappointed when things don’t go right even under normal circumstances.
One thing to bear in mind with your assessment is the fact that NPD is a personality disorder, and the majority of narcs lack the self-awareness to even realize what they are, much less to seek help for it. Like any other illness of the mind they believe that they are the normal ones. This is not to give those with NPD or narc traits a pass on their bad behavior, but a reminder that they too are still very much human, and have a condition which needs treatment and understanding, rather than the wholesale demonization those with mental health issues often face.
I don’t know about other disorders or mental health issues as much. But I believe this line of thinking would just call me back into the emotional thinking. To the best of my knowledge there’s no treatment or understanding that can change the narcissist. It’s usually just manipulation of the therapist as well as their primary source. You might recognize that they are a human in a dictionary sense, but they aren’t in the sense of thinking and feeling the same way a normal or empathic person does.
Funny, I actually think I may have been better off when I was younger, as far as allowing my self preservation instincts to kick in, and getting myself out of bad situations, with a couple of old boyfriends, before I knew anything about mental health. Both when I was a young adult, and both ended up spiraling later after I was out, and they died about a year apart (in their early 40s). I hate to think what would have happened to me if I stuck around and tried to understand them better, or tried to change the situation. All I knew was they weren’t well, and I needed to get out, and I did.
Fast forward to my current person who I ended up here over, and I don’t think what I’ve learned since then about mental health, attachment theory, effects of child abuse, substance abuse disorder or anything else helped me with the current person. If anything, I think having knowledge of those things only deluded me further into thinking I could handle what I was dealing with. I couldn’t. The behaviors affected me negatively just the same.
At this point, I’m treating the situation like I would a rabid animal out in the wild. Maybe not his fault that he is the way he is, but not much I can do for him. And I’m staying far, far away so I don’t get bit again.
I agree, Bobbi. Glad to see that you see both sides to narcs and potentially those of non-narcissistics. There are many facets to people in humanity. Some people have a number of facets. Unfortunately some of these facets are horrible and false to themselves.It pisses me off. It delights ohers.
Life is not a game. Especially when you have had a near death experience, when your dog is pacing the room while you are experiencing something that you may not survive. Your dog is not able to help you. Only able to pace the room. They can’t comfort you. They can’t hold your hand and say it will be ok. No-one else is there with you. I won’t forget it.
That is something other people may not experience. Something they will not understand. Empathise, maybe. But not understand.
People should not always judge. Especially those you don’t know. Or experienced it.
That is why I am who I am today. Narcissistics or none. They didn’t care. No card, no words of condolence. No words to say otherwise. I could have died. They didn’t care.
So if I come across I don’t give a fk about, I am beyond caring to some people. I care. But. I don’t. I’m not seeking sympathy. I understood what life is, the day I experienced near death. I survived my dog. She was very loyal. Very unconditional.I miss her. Nearly a year. After 14 plus years ‘service’.
Some people get it. Some don’t. Narcissistics around me at the time didn’t give a flying fk.
#9. No who are we? Mommy?
So, the impossibly perfect unicorn. Because the woman or man is only human and has no idea of your kind, he or she will dissapoint you again, he or she will fail. And after those desires getting crushed one by one, we ALL know what comes then, right? 🙁
How the fuck are you supposed to love without intimacy? It’s impossible. There is no unicorn.
Love? No! Narcs cannot genuinely love somebody. It´s all about the Prime Aims: fuel, control, character traits, residual benefits. I was not talking about love, I was talking about the narcissists desires, as H.G. wrote. The impossibly perfect unicorn would be somebody who always, 24/7, for years and years until he or she dies is constantly fulfilling those narcs desires. And as described as “impossibly perfect unicorn” – such a person just does not exist! 😉
Well, it wouldn’t be the unicorn’s fault! 😂 If the unicorn were so much as to even once pronounce the word “sandwich” in an annoying manner, then it’s all BLACK for the poor unicorn.
What would be considered an annoying pronunciation of “sandwich”?
Dissing the Liverpudlians again?
The unicorn wouldn´t. Because it´s perfect and can read the narcs thoughts 24/7. It is always there to serve the narc, to know the narcs wishes and fulfill them immediately!!! It further has no problem with the narc cheating and if it pronounces one – exeptionally – the word “sandwich” in a weird way, then of course the poor unicorn takes ALL the blame. 😀 It´s impossibly perfect! It´s a unicorn! And we all know: Unicorns don´t exist! 😉 😀