Calculation and the Narcissist – Part Two

CALCULATION AND THE NARCISSIST PART TWO

 

I explained in Part One about how the mind of a Lesser Narcissist functions with regard to his or her interactions with the various appliances in the fuel matrix. The Lesser always operates through instinct, although, as I explained, a victim makes the mistake of believing that the Lesser Narcissist has planned.

I shall now explain what happens with regard to the Mid Range Narcissist.

Before I provide you all with a worked example, it is necessary to provide these preliminary observations again.

I often read comments along the lines of

“I am ensnared by a narcissist and he knows exactly what he is doing, he is calculating it all and is determined to destroy me.”

I have no doubt that such belief is honestly held, but it is usually incorrectly held.

Why is that?

  1. It is only Greater Narcissists that are aware and operate in a calculated manner. Greater Narcissists are very rare indeed and therefore as a matter of statistics, if you have been ensnared by a narcissist, it is highly likely to be a Lesser or Mid-Range Narcissist.
  2. Mid Range Narcissists can appear to operate in a calculated manner owing to higher cognitive function. This is called “Instinctive Planning” which I will explain further in relation to this subject.
  3. The effect of emotional thinking. Yes, as you know emotional thinking obscures the use of logic and it does this repeatedly and in thousands of different ways. One of those ways is to cause you to think that the narcissist has planned and is operating in a calculated fashion because this will cause you to obsess more over what the narcissist is doing, talk more about what the narcissist is doing, try harder to contact the narcissist in order to halt this supposed calculated campaign against you and of course what are you doing if you do one or more of those things? You are engaging and feeding your inherent addiction to the narcissist. Accordingly, your emotional thinking absolutely wants you doing it and will make you ignore logic and honestly believe the narcissist is acting in a calculated fashion.
  4. The projection of your world view. Obviously you look at the world from your standpoint and because of this you think that anybody who engages in such behaviours as the ones you are experiencing must have planned them, because if you acted this way, you would know what you are doing and you would have planned them. This entirely understandable viewpoint of yours means that you cannot help but regard the behaviour as pre-meditated and calculated. You, as an empath victim do not manipulate through instinct. You have no need to do so, you are not designed that way and in fact if you ever (in the unusual event) try to manipulate somebody you tend to fail at it because you are just not made to do it and you are not practised at behaving that way. We on the other hand are designed to manipulate and for those who are not as evolved as the Greater Narcissist it is done through instinct. You impose your worldview on our behaviour, that is not high-handed of you at all, but it is incorrect.

Thus, these factors result in you erroneously reaching the conclusion that the narcissist is operating through calculation towards you.

How then do narcissists operate and what is their state of knowledge. Firstly, you ought to read these articles (or revisit them)

Do Narcissists Know What They Are Doing? The Lesser

Do Narcissists Know What They Are Doing? The Mid Ranger

We must have control at all times over environments and that means the people within those environments and of course that includes you. The Lesser and Mid Range Narcissists do not realise this is what they require, this is known at an unconscious level. The Greater knows that control is needed and also has vastly superior abilities to achieve that.

To assist you with the comparison between the schools of narcissist, I shall use a similar scenario to that described in Part One of Calculation and the Narcissist

The narcissist is a Lower Mid Range Narcissist. This means that he does not know what he is, he will never know what he is and cannot change.

The Lower Mid Range Narcissist (dependent on sub school) . The Mid Range Narcissist usually has a higher cognitive function than the Lesser Narcissist (but not always – it is only one factor) and may give the appearance of awareness or insight but that is actually part of the manipulation.

Let’s proceed with the example.

The Lower Mid Range Narcissist (“LMRN”) has experienced a Hoover Trigger. The Hoover Execution Criteria have been met, primarily because the victim is the Former IPPS (thus potent fuel), has provided large amounts of fuel when there have been previous hoovers, the LMRN knows where the victim lives and it is a short drive from where he lives. The victim has not entered a new relationship. There is no restraining order against the LMRN. He and the victim are in the process of a divorce. The LMRN has a Shelf IPSS. The LMRN has received correspondence from his lawyer whereby his latest offer to the victim within the context of the divorce proceedings has been rejected. The letter was to the point and this has wounded the narcissist. He needs to exert control over the victim. Accordingly, he drives over to the home of the victim seeking to exert control over her.

At the point of reading the rejection the narcissism (if it could speak) would state as follows:

This letter threatens my control. This is unacceptable. Control must be asserted immediately. (This is the Unconscious Response)

The narcissists fury is ignited by the wounding nature of the letter. He does not think

“I do not have control, I must go and get the ex under control.”

What he does think is :-

“WTF! How dare she reject that offer. Good God, that was a generous offer, she is so damn greedy, she will have me living out of a dumpster at this rate. I am going to go and find out why the hell she knocked this back and see if I can talk some sense into her. She needs to know she is bleeding me dry and I do not have much money left.” (This is the Conscious Response and this is driven by the Narcissistic Perspective. The narcissist through this Narcissistic Perspective sees the victim as the problem. His Sense of Entitlement (which he is unaware of because his narcissism blinds him to it) demands that he preserves his financial position. His Lack of Accountability (which he is unaware of because his narcissism blinds him to it) tells him that he is not responsible for providing her with a particular level of support and these narcissistic traits (and others desires) work together to make the narcissist do something to assert control.

The narcissism is thinking

We need control. Go and see her and use a Verbal Tirade and Pity Plays in order to assert control. We will use his Heated Fury (because as an LMR he has some Lesser Traits) and Cold Fury (as he is Mid Range).

Note he does not think :-

“How can I get her to do what I want? I know, I will use some forceful language with her and if that does not work I will make her feel sorry for me by explaining how I am strapped for cash, yes, she will feel sorry for me, change her mind and then I get my way.”

His response is instinctive driven by his narcissism which wants him to assert control and also to gain fuel to repair the wound caused by the content of the letter from the lawyer.

Driven by this instinctive response, the narcissist gets in his car, drives across to where the victim lives, marches up the pathway and he knocks at the door but the victim does not answer the door. The victim maintains no contact by not opening the door to tell the narcissist to reason with him to leave her alone. The victim does not shout through the letter box telling the narcissist to “Foxtrot Oscar”, the victim does not gesticulate through the window for the narcissist to go away or open the window and pour water down on the waiting narcissist. No matter how tempting those responses might be, the victim must not execute them because that is engagement which means

  1. Fuel Provision
  2. Potential adverse consequence , and
  3. Heightened Emotional Thinking

aka The Devil’s Pitchfork. (See Halting the Hurt for more insight).

Previously the Victim would engage through pleading, shouting and even threatening. All of which is Challenge Fuel and only encouraged the narcissist to keep asserting control and indeed lowered the Hoover Bar to prompt further hoovers.

Accordingly, the victim´s failure to respond amounts to wounding. The victim is the Former IPPS and therefore is at the top of the fuel hierarchy. This failure to respond is “in person” and therefore the result of this is massive wounding for the narcissist. This is on top of the wounding which has already occurred because of the rejection of the narcissist´s offer.

The narcissism is stating, if it had a voice

“Situation critical. Existing wounding not repaired. Extensive wounding now caused. Fuel level plummeting. Immediate action required. Facade must be maintained although facade is being strained. Increase use of Heated Fury and launch the Verbal Tirade.”

The narcissist does not think :-

“I am struggling to gain control here, what shall I do to make sure I get it?”

As the narcissist is a Lower Mid Range Narcissist he would not smash the windows (his Mid Range facade maintenance would prevent this from happening) and his response instead is to hammer on the door, shout to the victim and prowl around the house looking for a way to get in (but not break in) to confront the victim so he can assert control face to face and gain Proximate Fuel. Note again that these responses are from Heated Fury and they are instinctive

He would look to provoke her by saying such things as “I know you are in there hiding away you gold digger” and he would gain Thought Fuel (which is weak but still fuel) thinking about the victim cowering inside. The victim meanwhile has called the police. The LMR will not yet break off because his narcissism will still be driving him to “get hold” of the victim and the Thought Fuel will prevent any further wounding, but his fuel levels are perilously low (as a consequence of the two wounding events). He keeps shouting and is now causing a scene (thus his facade has slipped BUT since he is Mid Range he has not yet tipped over into criminal activity) so the neighbours are looking out of their windows. Of course their reactions as tertiary sources provide the narcissist with some fuel which enables him to keep the shouting going. The police turn up and the narcissist has a fairly robust discussion with them but again stays just on the right side of the law. The response of the police officers gives him fuel. He avoids a fuel crisis because of

Thought Fuel with regard to the IPPS

Proximate Fuel from the Tertiary Source Neighbours

Proximate Fuel from the Tertiary Source police officers

but he came close.

All of this behaviour was instinctive. He did not think “I had better be careful what I say and do because the police are here” he was actually quite forceful about what he had to say with regard to the behaviour of the Former IPPS. He maintained a Verbal Tirade about the Former IPPS but his narcissism prevented him from launching into a Verbal Tirade at the police officers (if they had Challenged him this may have happened and he probably would have been arrested). Note that he is not thinking about the possibility of arrest as that is a future event, all he cares about is gaining control NOW but because he is LMR his narcissism protects him to a degree (a Lower or Middle Lesser probably would have assaulted a police officer) and steered him into applying Pity Plays towards the officers.

The narcissist did not think

“Ah the police are here, I know, I will keep shouting the odds about that bitch inside and then give them a sob story to get the cops onside.”

No. he actually thinks

“This is so damn unfair. She sits in the house and has not got the common courtesy to come out and speak to me about this, when all I am trying to do is be reasonable. Maybe the police will see my point of view.”

The provision of fuel, the Mid Range influence with regard to facade and the range of manipulations deployed by the narcissism for a LMR Narcissist means that by telling the police how unfair this all is and they giving it nodding sympathy enables the narcissist to feel like he has control in the now. His attempt to control the victim has failed, but the situation shifted to a need to control the police officers and the Pity Play worked as the police officer gave fuel, agreed with the LMR that it was a difficult and unpleasant situation and suggested he visit his lawyer to discuss the matter further rather than get into trouble. His narcissism feeling that control over the situation had been achieved allowed the narcissist to depart and head over to this lawyer to discuss the situation further.

All of the actions of the LMR were instinctive. He did not plan. He did not calculate. He operated from moment to moment as he sought to control the situation moment to moment and you saw how the situation was fluid and the target of his control varied and how he gained fuel to alleviate the wounding, although his fuel levels remained relatively low and other appliances would be manipulated through the day to get those fuel levels rising again.

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39 thoughts on “Calculation and the Narcissist – Part Two

  1. Anm says:

    Thank you, everyone. A restraining order will not keep me safe. When I am finished with my workday, tonight, I’ll elaborate here on when and when you shouldn’t get a restraining order against a narcissist from my experience, and things that they do to retaliate. The safest thing you can do, would be what hg advises, “get out and stay out” and “implementing no contact”. But my situation is a little unique, I deal with law enforcement and the courts on a regular basis, so I’ll explain why it was important for me to file for one, and why it was important to include the dog.

  2. Liza says:

    on monday morning i got a phone call from a colleague that i suspect of being a narcissist, she was speaking in a panicked voice and was going here you made a mistake you shouldn’t have done this blablabla when i looked at the said problem, i found that not only did i do no mistake but found that she messed a lot of things while fixing my “mistake” but at this point i really was not angry or anything i thought that she misunderstood and i sincerely took the chance to explain the shady points and since i know how to fixe even her mistakes, for me it was settled, i saw no need to make a big deal of it.

    what pissed me of was when i discovered that before comming to talk to me she talked to my boss first and of course she lied and even after i explained she continued to lie in front of me. I was shocked at how she could keep on lying even though she knows that it is a matter of time for her lie to be discovered, all she gained was to humiliat herself in front of me and our boss. i guess that admiting that she was wrong equates to somewhat loosing control or something along those lines.

  3. lickemtomorrow says:

    I always enjoy the conversational elements of these posts … thoughts translated into language.

    It makes so much sense when reading it that way and being given an example.

    You would have made a great teacher, HG 🙂 In fact, you are a teacher!

    It took me this second article to get the gist of ‘Foxtrot Oscar’ 😛 I’ll have to remember that one.

  4. Anm says:

    Everyone, guess what happened today? I had a telephonic court hearing against the upper Lesser narcisisst to renew my restraining order against him. They are called order of protections in my jurisdiction. It was an ex parte hearing (only me on the phone with the judge). The judge said that since this is the 3 time within 4 years of asking for a protective order against him, he was going to also going to order that the narcissist must surrender all weapons to law enforcement, and not be able to purchase anymore for a year. He also included my dog on the order. If anyone remembers, the narcisisst made false allegations against my dog last december to try to get it taken away from me. So he is not allowed near my dog.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Reads like victory, well done. Keep that NCR bolstered with this OofP success.

    2. WhoCares says:

      Congrats Anm! I especially love that last part:
      “He also included my dog on the order. If anyone remembers, the narcisisst made false allegations against my dog last december to try to get it taken away from me. So he is not allowed near my dog.”

    3. lickemtomorrow says:

      That’s great news Anm if it’s going to keep you safe! Delighted that the judge is giving you the back up you need, the weapons issue is being dealt with and the dog can remain in your care 🙂 Does that mean he breached the previous orders or are these just consecutive to keep him out of your space? Hopefully he’ll get the hint this time and leave you alone. At least if he realizes he’s only going to keep losing his freedoms. Hope that gives you peace of mind and pushes you further ahead in your fresh start <3

    4. FYC says:

      Congratulations Anm! I am very happy for you and your dog!

    5. Anm says:

      Restraining Orders do not always protect someone. There is a great book out there called, The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. It goes over restraining orders and whether or not they are actually useful at preventing domestic violence. They technically aren’t useful at preventing DV. In fact, during this hearing, most of the DV incidents i listed to the judge did not actually go against the previous order, because he just found other ways to harass me. However, because he was being malicious and harassing with an OOP in place, I asked the judge to consider his actions within the “aggravated” level in the criminal justice system because he obviously knew what he was doing.
      If you can avoid the courts and law enforcement, that is the best route to go. If you are in the United States, are pregnant, and are enduring abuse of any kind, the best thing to do is go no contact and get as far away as possible. Move to another state before the child is born if you can, another country would be even better.
      I do not have this option.
      The biggest obstacle with this OOP, will be the fact that my ex’s attorney will have a field day when she finds out about it. An order issuing to take someone away from a US Citizen, especially weapons, and especially an ex parte order, could be argued as a violation of someones 2nd, 5th, and 14th amendment rights (right to bear arms, due process rights, and freedom from government oppression). She will probably request an emergency hearing about within the next 10 days. I’m prepared for this. This is still the route I choose to go, and part of my plan.

  5. Asp Emp says:

    Yes, he acts on instinct – a reaction he could not hold back or hide at the present moment when the woman was flirting with someone else. It was momentum. Fleeting. I still saw it.

    People (know know me or have met me) don’t always remember that I have excellent ‘observing’ skills compared to those who don’t have what I have. I won’t be sharing on here exactly what it is. It’s nothing to do with instincts, nor empaths, or narcs. It’s a physical thing. Having said that, it’s really disgusting when narcs are fully aware yet use and abuse it against me.

    They’ll also use and abuse others who may have less or lack the abilities of people who have the abilities. This is when I draw the line. I’ll do what I can to protect those less than able. I’ll challenge the narcs in question when I see it happening. Narsissistics know the damage they are doing. Instincts or not. They cannot even dare to “profess” to support those who are in a position where they rely on the goodness of those within humanity and then turn around and cause absolute & deliberate danger / damage. The Greater are the most dangerous in this aspect as they can influence the Mid-Ranges and Lessers as well as suck the life out of victims who are not aware or in a position to defend themselves. Even when and if the victim starts talking about it.

    It can happen in a ‘collective’, for example, in the holy profession. Narcs will gather together and deliberately use their ‘brainwashing’ skills against a group of people or a group within a society within a community. Even if the narcs themselves may have not actually had a conversation or done any specific planning as such. They’ll do it as if within a ‘secret’ and mutual understanding – unspoken words but actions. Actions speak louder than words.

    You may see the “ethos” in writing but will not be able to see the real actions behind the facade of it all. Granted, not all are actually part of the ‘inner circle’ of the narcs within that ‘society’, they may know about the facade of the narcs – yet they remain true to the ethos of those needing the existence of the genuine society in question.

    Some narcs may say to themselves that they couldn’t care less. Only until the day they require the services of such a ‘society’. Will they be welcomed? Will they be accepted? Possibly, unless the narc themselves have been “revealed”. Will they change the way they had treated others in the past since they may now find themselves in a vulnerable position?

    How can it be ‘instincts’ on the part of the narcs when they do not have emotions? The narc’s instincts are not human, or are they? I don’t think like them. I don’t feel like them. Maybe I do. I’m not starting a debate here.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Narcissists do have emotions. This another misunderstanding.

      In any event, the instinct of a self defence mechanism is not based on feelings or emotions.
      You have a startle reflex which is a self defence mechanism – that is nothing to do with emotions.
      You have tunnel vision which happens automatically when a threat is detected, so that your peripheral vision narrows so you remain focussed on an exit and so you are not distracted, thus increasing your chance of achieving safety from a threat. That is a self defence mechanism which is not based on emotions.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Interesting to read ‘startle reflex’ in your comment. That is something I will remember – not that I ever hope to be in the same position again!

        Yup, I get what you say above. Thank you for your further explanation HG. Much appreciated.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

      2. K says:

        Thanks HG!
        Mystery solved! I had no idea why I have tunnel vision. It doesn’t matter where I am – movies, restaurants, houses, buses, planes, trains and automobiles – I always look for an escape route.

        I don’t carry a purse (it gets in the way of climbing fences and scaling walls and it’s a bitch when running away); I carry a Swiss Army knife and a RegerKnife Pocket Folding Knife with Clip, Tactical Knife with Safety Locking Blade, Bottle and Can Opener, Screwdriver, Rescue Hook, Glass Breaker, Ideal for Survival, Hunting and Everyday Carry. I, also, carry a center punch (in case I have to smash a car window), a seatbelt cutter and mace. Fuck lip stick!

        It’s all instinct.

        1. FYC says:

          K, exactly how deep are your pockets? Or is your arsenal hanging form your belt? Haha No wonder no one messes with you! I assume the bottle opener is for your celebration after winning the battle?!

          1. K says:

            FYC
            Hahahaha…during winter: Gap coat with deep pockets. Once the weather gets warmer, it’s a Gap black hoodie. The mace is usually kept in the car. Hahaha…of course, there’s always time for a beer.

            I am ready for The Walking Dead!

          2. NarcAngel says:

            I was thinking: That’s some bra K has.

          3. FYC says:

            NA, That brings a whole new meaning to Victoria’s Secret or should I say K’s Secret?!

            K, I can only imagine the arsenal you could carry in a Scott-e-Vest! Walking Dead beware!

          4. K says:

            FYC
            Hahahaha…Fugitive/Secret Agent Underwear line by Victoria’s Secret. I use to have a very tiny can opener on my key chain that my dad gave me; it was about an inch and a half long.

          5. FYC says:

            That’s funny K, I know exactly what you mean. They come with MREs and you can get another if you need it. REI has some stuff you would love. I bet you especially loved KHG8. I wonder if you went shopping after listening?

          6. K says:

            FYC
            I think it was a P-38 U.S. Military “John Wayne” Survival Can Opener. It was great. My daughter’s girlfriend works at REI and they have some wicked camping equipment.

            After listening to KHG8, I wanted the Sightmark Ghost Hunter Night Vision Binoculars!

        2. Violetta says:

          K:

          You’re Harriet the Spy. No wonder I like you!

          1. lickemtomorrow says:

            I think the ‘K’ stands for ‘Kickass’ 🙂

          2. K says:

            Violetta
            Hahahaha…it wasn’t too long ago when I found an abandoned Bluebike on the sidewalk and I thought: Yes, I can get home much quicker, then I saw it had GPS tracking and thought: Fuck that! They will locate it at my home. Can’t have that!

        3. K says:

          NarcAngel
          Hahahahaha…the Bra is where I stash my cash!

          1. HG Tudor says:

            The Bank of Bra, where you learn to feel your way to making a withdrawal.

          2. K says:

            HG
            Hahahaha…sometimes it is rather awkward when I have to pay the cashier. It shifts so I have to feel around to find it.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            I daresay, you literally feel, a right tit.

          4. K says:

            HG
            Hahahaha…an empath has to get her jollies somehow!

          5. Violetta says:

            She’s just keeping abreast of the situation.

          6. K says:

            Violetta
            Always on the lookout for a boobytrap.

        4. K says:

          lickemtomorrow
          Hahahahaha…I am always ready to take someone down to Chinatown!

      3. FYC says:

        HG, That’s an interesting fact about vision, thank you for sharing. Considering you have exceptional peripheral vision, would this also be true for you, or just the average person?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It would take a lot for it to be activated with regard to me, since the necessity of seeking an exit for me is far lower than it is for others. However, if the need arose, it would occur for me also.

          1. FYC says:

            Very interesting, and that makes sense as you feel no fear. Thank you for sharing your experience further. I would imagine this rare skill/attribute serves you exceedingly well in life.

    2. K says:

      This is an excellent example of the Generic Trait: Support the Underdog.

      “This is when I draw the line. I’ll do what I can to protect those less than able.”

  6. Eternity says:

    What a wonderful explanation HG. It was all done through instinct . Who would have known? His Narcissim is defintely a self defense mechanism.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you

      1. Eternity says:

        Pleasure .

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