How To Make The Narcissist Return
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To bastardise a phrase, “How does your emotional thinking affect thee, let me count the ways?”
“I still love her and I always will, I miss her so much.”
“I know what he is, but I don’t care, I just have to be with him, there is no point otherwise.”
“I cannot stand to be without him. The pain is too much, so I would rather have the ups and downs than nothing at all.”
“I understand her now, so I can control the situation better so I will not be hurt. I can make this work.”
“Since I understand him, I can explain to him that I do and he will realise and everything will work out for the best.”
“All I need to do is work on pleasing her and asserting my boundaries and we can get through this, love conquers all.”
“I am better than her and he will soon realise what he has lost and he will come back to me, we are soul mates and meant to be.”
“They say if you let someone go and they come back then it is meant to be. That is what I must do ; let him go and ensure he returns to me.”
“I know he has hurt me but I have done some bad things as well, so if we are honest with one another we will sort things out, I only want him and nobody else.”
“I know he is bad for me, but well, it is so boring without him. Nobody else compares to him.”
“I don’t care if he hurts me, I love him and I know he really loves me and that is all that matters in the end. Love hurts sometimes you know.”
All of the above are the product of the fraudulent effect of emotional thinking and a thousand thousand further phrases besides. I have heard so many and read even more. I have no doubt you can think of similar utterances and proclamations.
So, if the bond is so tight and the pain so awful that you cannot bear to be without the narcissist, why not make him or her come back to you after they disengaged from you. They wanted you once, they seduced you and goodness, how did they seduce you! Those magical, mesmerising days of golden, beautiful, flawless perfection. If only you can return to them. How might you go about achieving this? What steps can you take to ensure that the narcissist returns to you and not only returns but stays? After all, you know they are a narcissist now, you understand why he or she operates as they do, you recognise the manipulations and you are confident that you can handle the narcissist so that not only are you not hurt but so that you do not lose them. You have gained the power through knowledge haven’t you? Now, all you need to do is cast that magic spell to make us come back to you. What can you do to guarantee the return of the narcissist to your arms, to your home, to your bed?
- Provide that positive fuel. Provide the narcissist with that reminder of the glorious and potent fuel that once drew us to you. Let it gush and fountain from you, with your praise, love and admiration for us. Do not hide it under a bushel, let it appear in vast quantities and often. Drown us in your positive fuel.
- Make those traits of yours which we expressed admiration for shine and appear prominently so we see what rewards await us by coupling with you once more, so we can claim those traits once again. Make sure that your achievements are noticeable – that promotion, that recent big client win, the articles printed in the press, the new followers for your work and so on.
- Ensure that the residual benefits are available once again. Have that house open to us whenever we choose, make it clear that money is available, let us know that we have a house keeper who will cook, clean and care for us, let it be known that yours is ours, that your contacts are accessible to us for our use, that we can plug into your networks once again and attend those prestige events. Whatever those residual benefits are, make it evident that they are ours for the taking.
- Demonstrate penance for everything bad that you have ever done. Make it clear you were at fault and that we were not, recognise your shortcomings and apply the suitable mea culpa mea maxima culpa so we know your contrition is genuine.
- Remove any obstacles. If you have a new partner, ditch him or her. Drop the restraining order. Obviously destroy the no contact regime. There should be no fence, wall or barrier to our glorious return.
- If we have been bad mouthed in anyway, make sure this is overturned. Ensure that family, friends and colleagues speak well of us, correct any ‘misunderstandings’ they may have acquired about us and create a fertile ground for the growth of our new and improved façade.
- Look and be your best to cater for the relevant cadre of narcissist, be it somatic, cerebral, victim or elite. Ascertain which we are and cater to that by adjusting your appearance, behaviour, outlook etc to align with what we want.
- Demonstrate subservience once again and your willingness to submit to our authority. Be strong to the world at large, if that is the way you are, but ensure we know that you will roll over and want your tummy tickled by us on our return.
Those are the key grounds which cover the various matters which you need to attend to if you are looking to make us return to you after you have been disengaged from so that your pain and misery is swept away and you can embrace the wonderful new Golden Period Mk 2.
Will those steps detailed above guarantee our return?
You can never ever make us return.
This impossible outcome, much as you want and long for it, can never be guaranteed to happen for three reasons :-
- We are the controllers. We control, you are controlled. You do not tell us what to do, you do not make the decisions for us to obey, you do not bring about a situation because you want it, it happens if and because we want it. You may make the situation more appealing to us, granted, but even so there is never a guaranteed outcome. We must decide if we are to return. It is not even whenwe return, but if. It may never happen and if it happens it is only when we decide and on our terms. Not yours. You cannot compel us to these things. No matter how inviting you make it, no matter how much you place yourself on the sacrificial altar and declare that you will do anything and everything for us, it is not guaranteed to work because we must always have control and that means we must be the decision maker; and
- You do not know what else is occurring in our fuel matrix. No matter how well you tempt us with the creation of what you think is an inviting scenario, someone else in our fuel matrix may well be outshining you. If we have a new IPPS and we are in that golden period with them, there is NOTHING you can do to affect that. Our fuel needs may be met by a variety of appliances and therefore there is little need for you. You do not know the extent of our fuel matrix, how it is constituted, who is in it and what roles those people take. You do not know how much fuel is provided, how often and to what potency. You do not know how the character traits are supplied nor the residual benefits and because of this lack of knowledge, you can never have any guarantee that we will return to you.
- Our split thinking. If you are painted black, you are painted black and no matter what you do to try to shift that perception, you are not guaranteed to be able to do it. This means that you go can be superlative in your provision of fuel and all else but ultimately it will be scorned because your treachery (as seen by us) obscures and denigrates all that you do. You will remain black until we decide that you are white and whilst you might cause us to regard you as white because of something you do, you should note that
a. That still does not guarantee our return to you because of points 1 and 2 above ; and
b. Your turning white is usually as a consequence of someone else in our fuel matrix turning black and thus you have no control over that happening and when.
Furthermore, you may become painted white but you can soon become black very quickly and you have little control over how that happens.
How can you make the narcissist return to you?
You may want it to happen because you are being blinded by your emotional thinking. I understand that and you can tell me all the reasons why you want it to happen, how it will be different and so forth and I will shoot down each and every reason with ease.
You cannot make us return to you and one day, when the emotional thinking clears and logic prevails you will accept this and say
“I do not want the narcissist to return – because he is a narcissist.”
You will have then begun to seize the power.
24 thoughts on “How To Make The Narcissist Return”
I read this article. I ended the ‘formal relationship’ with HIM. I don’t consider it to have ever been an actual relationship as I was being used for whatever I could provide to him, which was a great deal. He contributed very little and took everything from me and then some. I finally got fed up as I was drained from the constant demands and mistreatment, the constant unemployment, the prolonged absences, and the financial problems. Since I am out and I made it clear that I was done with it and no longer interested, I have ZERO desire to have this narcissist return. I do not miss any of what I was put through. Every time he returned from his absences (supposedly to work but I am sure he also had some long distance relationships going on at the same time) his treatment of me only got worse. I was basically waiting for the moment I could end it, which took a while until I had reached my wits end. Besides, if by following what was written above HE decided to return, I know that nothing good would come from it. Better to stay out and never have another thought of this situation.
My ex thinks I cheated on him, and he says that we will never come back to me. Is that true? Is he never coming back? Im in the smear campaign =(
Hi HG, is it possible that narcissist won’t return even when his new IPPS is in devaluation just because former lover escaped wounding him very much so he want to punish her?
Here is the scenario:
1. Former partner escaped 4 years ago and got married to another man causing a mid range narcissist huge wounding – for all these years narciaaist was teying to hoover her back but she was ignoring it, focusing on her Life with new man
2. Narciasist had many short relationships but after 3 years he finally found IPPS. After a year she seems to be in devaluation – he flirts with other women, he stopped posting about IPPS, no together photos anymore, she spends holidays with her friends not him, because he says he doesnt like lying on the beach etc
3. Former partner starts to hoover narcissist. Don’t know if she does it just for fun or does she want to hurt narcissist again or if she really wants him back (she is still married)
4. Narcissist gives signals he is aware she hoovers him- for examples if she posts a song about him he posts similar song as an answear but he doesnt want a Direct contact. When she refollowed him on social media he ignored it, didnt follow her back. Didnt try to talk to her.
So the question is if she gives him herself on a płate why he doesnt want to talk to her or use her in triangulation assuming new IPPS is in devaluation? Refollowing his ex would be a Great opportunity to triangulate. Instead he just cybet stalks former partner, gives her indirect signals but avoids direct contact. Is it a form of punishment? For years he was trying to break her NC and finally when she is breakkng it he doesnt want to use it.
(I am not former partner or new IPPS).
In short, no. For a detailed explanation with regard to the scenario as there are various additional observations that apply to what you have written, please use this https://narcsite.com/private-e-mail-consultation/
Win the mega millions lottery. Let’s say 50 million minimum. Easy peasy.
Because I am until I can find my way out.
It’s kinda like being in the world’s worst escape room. No doors, no windows, no furniture, no place a key could be hidden, and since it’s a round room there’s nothing to do but to chase my own tail at this time. I am pretty well isolated from anyone who might could help me IRL, and have limited resources at my disposal at this time, so a lot of it is just not having the means of escape at this time.
Really, it’s more that it *seems* that I will never really get out. It would have been more accurate to say that I have accepted the possibility of the worst. I will never be disappointed if I expect exactly nothing, but I might be pleasantly surprised from time to time.
I’m confused. Your first paragraph says you’re trapped and you can’t leave unless you’re dead or he’s dead. Then you go on to say what you should do? Anyway if you’re still there in the so-called relationship, you can get out. If I left you can leave, if you’re still there then everything you said after that is all your emotional thinking and excuses to stay. If I read this wrong and you’re already out of the relationship then apologies for misunderstanding.
Once again, love the image.
Definitely much further along the path of not wanting the narcissist to return since being here. That comes from understanding so much more about what I had become ensnared with (again). And this article brings home the fact that with the narcissist nothing will ever be under your control. No matter how hard you try, how much you give, how tolerant you are, how forgiving, how loving. None of it matters. It is only in the narcissist’s gift to grant what you are seeking, and he can deny it as quickly as he can grant it and just as quickly deny it again. What a rollercoaster ride. And what a way to send your sense of self respect plummeting. Puppet on a string.
Well said! All effort to bring him back are ineffective and futile because he would always prevail. I’ve tried that and agree with you H.G.
I should tattoo some reason on my hand or something…
The only time he comes back is when you absolutely don’t want him , you’ve given the whole thing up, hence it’s his wish, not mine
Your last paragraph embodies the necessity of control.
Mr. Tudor forgot to mention the best part:
Narcs are like cursed boomerangs, or an unlucky penny.
You can try to throw them away, but somehow, at some point, they will return whether you want them to or not.
If they don’t, then there’s a pretty good chance that either you weren’t or aren’t a functional appliance for the fuel they need, or you are one terrifying person, and potentially a narc yourself.
If you fall into the latter category, then please, contact me. I keep throwing this damn stick, but he just keeps bringing it back…
You do not throw the narcissist away. You impose GOSO, you focus on you and your defences not the narcissist or any interaction with the narcissist (as there should be none).
Your lack of functionality as an appliance is only one factor amongst many which impacts on when the narcissist will return.
Hello. Does the fact that the last 3 times we had any interaction, I would block him within a couple of days have any impact on raising or lowering the hoover bar? Or does time erase all?
Hello Kim E.
1. You blocked him. He may not have noticed immediately, but let us assume he does so. That will wound him.
2. The act of wounding will raise the hoover bar. How far depends on the nature of the wounding and of course, all else being equal, that hoover bar will be lowered over time. Obviously, the higher you raised it (the more extensive the wounding) the longer it takes to come down.
I have begun to seize the power, then.
And all (triple underline ‘all’), thanks to you, HG.
Maybe it’s different if you are the one who escaped as opposed to being disengaged from. If the narcissist disengaged from you then you did not make the decision that you were done with this addiction cycle yet. Your bottom has not been reached yet. As opposed to the person who escapes, they have reached the end or hit their bottom. This is how the addiction manifests in continuing to try to fix change alter the narcissists behaviors.I stayed for 23 years I would say some years were similar to the one before but if you were to draw a graph things got worse and worse and worse over time. A more and more rapid cycling of the abuse, or longer periods of devaluation and shorter respite periods. As an aside this was all normal to me because my parents are both narcissists.I realized a long time ago that I was trying to repair the father daughter relationship through my marriage, but I did not realize what I was dealing with or understand narcissism until probably the last couple of years.
That seems a bit sardonic.
Someone after my own sarcastic heart.
So, what offense did you commit?
Oh, Bobbi, I’m not guilty. I love sarcasm. But I hate liars, cheaters etc.
No offense committed on my part LOL. Oh bloody hell. These fking narcs and their fking games.
Sometimes it’s not ET at all…. Sometimes you have to learn to play the fkers at at their games. I’ll be fking surprised if this passed “moderation” LOL.
Nice to “meet you” Bobbi 🙂
No, HG, I’m not gonna apologise.
1. It is ET if you think you gain by ‘playing the games’. You don’t and you’re just playing into our hands. See Halting the Hurt.
2. Don’t bother with the ‘moderation comments’ – see the rules.
I’ve tried that approach since I discovered 4 years into current nightmare that my SO is a covert narc. That was three years ago. I have resigned myself to the fact that I’m basically fucking trapped, and the likeliest outcome will be one of us leaving this sham of a marriage in a body bag.
You can not and will not win. EVER. I know you will think that just because there is a gold mine of information and insight thanks to our narc Lord and savior HG that it means that you can figure out what makes your narc tick, that with understanding of why they do what they do that you can out narc the narc. I know this because that is one of the first things most of us believe.
The reality is that no matter how much know or how well you understand the narc it’s not going to do more than bring all kinds of unholy hell upon you. The revenge you so desperately want will never happen by playing the narc’s game. Rather you will, at best, simply give them what they want inadvertently since they thrive on conflict, which would be you playing yourself. At worst, you run the risk of being utterly destroyed.
The only way to get anything even remotely close to revenge is to do the following:
1.) Get Out, Stay Out.
2.) Remove yourself from any and all social media, unless you enjoy the idea of the narc stalking you.
3.) Purge, Block, and Ignore the narc and anyone in their cadre from all parts of your life if at all possible.
4.) Move On! Letting go of what the narc put you through without getting tangible or actual revenge is REALLY hard to accept, but the ultimate revenge is living well without them.
I know all of this, because I have been where you are. I had to ignore those who gave me the same warning and suffer the consequences, because I was angry. Because I thought it “unfair”, and was hell-bent to make him suffer as he had made me.
All I really accomplished was lowering myself to his level, compromising whatever good within myself he hadn’t already tainted (which leads to guilt, self loathing, and other awful feelings), and hurting myself to only catch him off-guard a few times because I was ACTING LIKE A FUCKING NARCHOLE!
Do yourself a huge favor, and learn from my mistakes. It costs you absolutely nothing to be a better person rather than damaging your integrity and tarnishing your character. Anything you say or do (and quite a bit you don’t will be used against you by the narc. Don’t make it any easier for the narc by giving them bad things to use against you.
You will fare well if you remember that narcs don’t have a conscious like you or I. They lose no sleep over the awful things they do, which is exactly why they can do the most awful shit. You, however, will if you start trying to flip the game by giving the narc a healthy dose of their own medicine.
It simply is not worth it.
BTW, HG, when are you going to put me on the payroll? LoL
I’m not, you are using my work.
Why have you resigned yourself to remaining trapped?