Adored and Abhorred
Learn more about the narcissistic mind set and why you are up on the pedestal one moment and in the dust the next.
56 thoughts on “Adored and Abhorred”
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Hi HG, I’m sorry I should’ve been specific. Is this behavior called negging where a guy manipulates a woman by giving a negative feedback or flirting with her companions in order to make her want to gain his approval or esteem something that only narcissists do? I am wondering if we can add this as a determining red flag. I know you have written and excellent articles about pick up artists and I have read about the subject before as well and I have read about some men who were pick up artists and had to leave because they couldn’t stomach the things that they did to pick up women and I am thinking that these maybe the misguided normals and their guilt has finally caught on to them. But I wonder if a normal can actually pull off something like that with the rationalization that he’s doing it to pick up women as I personally cannot do that as an empath.
Flirting with her companions is Triangulation. Negative Feedback is Insult or Backhanded Provocations.
@Ren: Yes, I realized it a couple of days later, that for this maniac it´s about the Prime Aims. Of course it´s a blessing and pure luck to be rejected by a narc! My own narcissistic traits and my ET just fooled me!
For once, I´m happy and relieved that I (..excuse me: my fuel) was “not good enough” 😉 😀
So! I cleared my mind, Ladies and Gentlemen! My ET was a bit going crazy yesterday. Forgot that it´s all about the Prime Aims for a narc, and not about me.
Whatever manipulation it was! I don´t need the approval of this maniac.
Hi Leela,
I’m glad that you sorted it out. I think that you did fine. I don’t believe that there is anyone who is 💯 immune to being criticized. The important thing is you recognized that it was a manipulation even though you weren’t exactly sure what kind. And you didn’t forget that you weren’t interested in the first place and had put your boundaries by doing GOSO. 👍
Ladies and H.G.: I would like to THANK YOU VERY MUCH for your answers and your encouraging words! <3 You don´t know HOW MUCH you helped! <3
I suspected that it´s a form of manipulation but couldn´t figure out what and why. Now it makes perfectly sense!
Leela:
There are some pretty nasty words for women who lead on men when they’re not really interested. Imagine if this person was female, and you saw her treating guys like that. Not guys you fancied, so no jealousy involved, just guys you’ve known for some time who who’ve always been fair and straightforward with other people. Would you respect her?
It is common in Jr. High for teens just discovering their sexual power to misuse it, not necessarily out of deliberate malice. A full-grown human who’s still carrying on like that is not worth the trouble.
I would call her a ………(please insert word here) 😉
I made excuses for Wanna-Be Playuh-Narc. No, he wasn’t kewl. He was Trash.
Narc ARE just trash, Violetta! (Of course except for Sensei H.G. 😉 )
Is it devaluation when someone behaves flirtatious towards you but then makes you totally feel rejected by pointing out again and again that he or she wouldn´t be interested in you at all?
I was not interested myself but that felt so EGO SHATTERING!!
It makes you feel like not being good enough!
Oh guys, gotta rebuild my ego! 🙁
Depends if the individual is a narcissist
Yes he is!
It was “my” ex-narc.
It was exactly “my” middle mid range type A elite Ex-Narc! And even though I would never wanted to become IPPS or DLS-IPPS, my ego is SHATTERED!
I feel like a piece of garbage! A puppet!
What the heck is that? And why the heck is that? 🙁
“I was not interested myself..”
Are you sure that’s an honest representation of how you felt ? I don’t ask to patronize but I find people are often in denial about their subconscious wants. I know in my own personal experience, I was, It took me a long time to realize I had been lying to myself and that I was unconsciously seeking the affection of the narc.
It may be helpful for you to access why it hurt your ego, as very often, we don’t feel rejected by those we only view as platonic relationships. If that is the case (and I’m not saying it is) maybe this is a sign you’d like to improve certain aspects about your current relationship and it could help you to work on those things.
I say this because perhaps this may be the thing to help you rebuild your ego. I know it was certainly a turning point for myself and my own healing.
Oh yes, I was seeking the attention – I´m honest! I didn´t really wanna do it, but at least I would have liked him to be interested just for my ego. Just for “fuel”.
I very probably have narcissistic traits myself. 🙁 My dad is narc. 🙁
But I´m not a full blown NPD for sure!
My honest thoughts are these: I´m pretty, I´m hot, good looking, take a lot of care of my appearance, I´m educated, I have a university degree, I´m smart and I think I´m a real “catch” 😉
This “rejection” somehow “wounded” me. 🙁
It was like in childhood when my dad (narc) always made me feel that I´m not good enough.
I´m chasing ghosts! 🙁
I need to talk to my “good doctor” about that 🙁
I’ll solve it for you in one consultation
Which one, H.G.? Empath detector? That one is already in progress 🙂
No, audio.
Ok. I’ll just say this then I’ll drop it.
Due to the fact he is a narcissist, him being interested sexually would have likely been the determining factor of whether you had a sexual affair or not. Because they call the shots. We can think we’ve got it together all we want but once we’re in that web… we find ourselves sinking below our usual standards just to get that oh so sweet attention and get that validation we’ve been craving our whole life (in this case from your childhood what lacked from your father).
You personally would 100% not go there under regular circumstances. But a narc is not a regular circumstance.
See it as a blessing he’s not interested that way.
Also If it really IS just solely for the sake of vanity, you should explore that with HG as well. I can’t imagine you’re that vain, lol. You seem so lovely as a person. Surely you don’t expect ever man to bow at your feet even though you’re incredibly attractive… sounds to me more like the narc knew which buttons to push to create that uncertainty in you.
All the best 🤗
“sounds to me more like the narc knew which buttons to push to create that uncertainty in you.”
Exactly this! And yes, I´m indeed that vain but fortunately, nothing sexual happend and nothing I would bitterly regret right now except for being stupid enough to let a narc in my life! 🙁
Hm. I don’t have vanity as a trait so it’s not something I can relate too. While I too am educated and attractive enough…. I constantly put myself down in my mind, I seek validation from men and end up attracting the wrong ones like the narc… I felt I needed his validation in order to love myself.
That’s many layers down from now I present myself to the world, I’m a magnet empath and well liked by most people I meet. I easily create friendships and have many wonderful people
And relationships in my life. I’m comfortable in a crowd, people are naturally drawn to me.
It wasn’t until I discovered this sight that I realized my mother and I are co dependants and what that really meant in terms of my self esteem.
While I have a achieved a lot in my life and have many things other people want… I now understand I need to be able to love myself
On a deeper level and give myself the validation I crave from men.
I’d never expect that a man “should” be sexually attracted to me. I do not think men notice me at all. So I can not relate 😂😂
Hi Leela
Sometimes the vanity is a mask to cover up deep seated insecurities about yourself .Your appearance then becomes like a shield .
If I’m attractive then I’m fine , if anything rocks that belief then it opens up those insecurities
I went and still go through this .
I wouldn’t say I’m vain but become obsessed on picking out my physical flaws and trying to fix them.
I’ve even gone under the knife I was so insecure.
I’ve met very ordinary looking women , some over weight with fantastic personalities and very happy relationships .
Kiki
Good points ! It’s tough to dig through these layers. It literally took me years to admit what was underneath my behaviour. It’s uncomfortable and embarrassing to admit at
Times. But necessary for healing.
“I felt I needed his validation in order to love myself.”
Same here, sister!
H.G. will analyze what kind of Empath I am but I´m not a Magnet Empath for sure. I am very caring! I stand up for the challenged people, for minorities, I try to help the “losers”, the “outsiders”, the repressed, the bullied and all those who were just cast aside by society.
Hey, guess what? I got ensnared by hollywoodlike Pity Play 😉
Dear Kiki,
same here. I didn´t go under the knife but I´m also obsessed with my appearance and crave admiration for it and of course for my accomplishments. I just learnt as child that this is all that counts, this is the ONLY way to get love and affection. I just learnt to always do what Patri Narc wants, to look super pretty, so that Patri Narc could be proud at me and at least THEN I maybe get some “love”. So, I had to DESERVE love by being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, always be the super-child, the best, the one to represent.
Can´t handle being rejected 🙁
Leela
Of course you can handle being rejected! You’re just telling yourself it ain’t so.
Vanity. Hmm. It’s one of the seven, deadly sins of course.
I feel there is often a paradox between how males and females handle the issue of how they look.
Society tacitly approves of males calling themselves handsome, rugged, a pretty boy etc. The.minute a woman does it then we are ‘vain’.
I actually admire you for saying what you percieve to be true; that you are conventionally attractive.
Its something I’ve hardly been able to say myself. Incase I’m judged. Far easier to say I’m hyper intelligent, talented, witty anything but attractive.
I have two eyes. I can see what I look like. I know how people react. I’m not daft.
I’ve only ever been rejected twice in my life. The first was a teenager.
The second as a 39 year old. That stung. Of course, he pursued me. They always do. My brother even jokes, how many are lined up? None. Because I’m not a narc.
Pride comes before a fall, my love.
Remember. Prime Aims. Having an attractive companion on your arm fulfills part of 2 and definitely 3. Your fuel wasnt neatly sitting into 1. Otherwise, he would have pursued.
It was your fuel. Nothing else.
I must admit, I often wonder why Empaths don’t see disengagement for what it is; a blessing in disguise.
I stumble upon this as I’m literally booking Restylane filler. I should consider myself an ordinary looking woman, overweight, with a so-so personality. LMAO I’ll be damned if I have smile and frown lines.
Hi HG
Is there anyway you could remove my post about (edited for privacy) above .
I feel I said too much it’s a matter that is very private and deeply affected me and I just went blurting on here , it’s not the place
Please
Kiki
Removed.
Thank you HG 🙂My ET was all over the place
You are welcome.
Dearest Kiki,
I’ve gone under the knife ……… 3 times !!!!!
………..all caesareans 😱
Little buggars didn’t want to come out 🤣
I quite like my character wrinkles and smile lines
Took me a bloody long time get them 🤣
Your last line would most definitely describe ‘moi’, however, I’m anything but ordinary
(Mr Bubbles will vouch for that) 🤣
Empaths are their own worst critic
Love yourself first, just as you are
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Seeking validation is very common. But the idea of complimenting with an insult reminds me of 3rd grade, so that is someone who is annoying to begin with.
I had a Lower Mid Ranger coworker compliment/flatter me and then he began to devalue. He was the somatic variety, so he liked to pick on things about my body, like saying I had no shoulders (meaning I don’t dead lift and have broad AF shoulders, as most women don’t and why should they?)
This got annoying, so I told him to stop, wherein he would then play the victim like, ‘I am only kidding’ or just some sort of deflection like how I am picking on him for getting annoyed.
Then, like a middle schooler, he began to flirt with this very skinny girl who had zero muscle tone (talk about no shoulders). He would talk about how ‘hot’ she was at work (inappropriate), which is odd since, she seemed to have the extreme flaws he was saying about me.
He was trying to get me to be jealous and thankfully he quit, but I did get word that he was messaging the skinny girl sexual comments and she blocked him. Following that, he referred to her as ‘the devil’ (as per info from another coworker).
That is just very immature behaviour.
Bibi: Many narcissists ARE in fact four year old children at the inside.
Leela, I know men who do that tactic is not necessarily a narcissist but could be an insecure normal trying to use the negging tactic on you.
From Wikipedia:
Negging (derived from the verb neg, meaning “negative feedback”) is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need of the manipulator’s approval.[1] The term was coined and prescribed by pickup artists.[1]
THIS IS EXACTLY IT! That´s what he did!! Exactly!
He knew that I have some narcissistic traits! He knew how my dad is! He knew that during childhood and adolescence I was constantly seeking my daddys approval (which never happened, cause I was NEVER good enough).
Oh my f …. goodness!!!
Oh dear me! That makes A LOT of sense!
Thank you very much, MommyPino!
It is actually done to obtain control (which manifests through the provision of positive or negative fuel) and is behaviour undertaken in the absence of emotional empathy.
This makes a lot of sense thank you Sensei H.G.! <3
I ALMOST gave negative fuel by responding to the ego-shatter with some backhanded insults but glad I could shut my mouth 😉 No fuel for narcy-boy 😛
HG, is it only narcissists who engage in this behavior?
What behaviour are you referring to MP? I do not see the preceding comment in my moderation pane.
Haha you’re welcome Leela. I experienced that as well one time and the guy was not even attractive. It made me lose my appetite in even talking to him. If he was attractive maybe it would have worked at that time. But not anymore now!
Um, have you ever thought that they maybe friendly flirtatious, but aren’t looking for a relationship or do not think of you that way? Why does everyone “have” to want you sexually?
Guess who’s back, back again
Shitty’s back, tell a friend
Indeed Violetta.
It is a useful lesson.
Anybody normal or empathic sees something they do not like, the answer is stay away from it. Nobody is made to come here. That is the appropriate response to something you do not like, enjoy or you see as problematic. If you do not like Thai food, do not eat it and do not go to Thai restaurants, no need to bang on about it, you do not need to hang around the Thai restaurant saying you do not like their food, just move on somewhere else. Do not like me or my work, go elsewhere.
However, through the education I provide here, you now understand why those that do not like me or my work never go elsewhere. They keep reading, they hang around, they comment and jump up and down but will they move on? No and you all know why.
Time to re invest in KP Snacks ….
And friend is here, Vi.
Pamela
Sometimes when I read your posts, I feel like a nun in a convent (possibly Alexis can relate).
I read them and all of a sudden, I find I’m self-flaggelating. I particularly like my red rose flogger. I think it’s to distract from your own idiocy.
What has happened up train in thread regarding Leela, is an almost perfect example of an ’empathic pile-on’. Everone wants to help. Hg has helped.
And yet you continue in your absurd ‘New World Order’ in an attempt to recreate the book on Logical Fallacies modelled in your own, craven image.
Tell me why? Please?
You are on the only website in the world were 99% of the regular posters are Empaths.
Do you think you are being smart? Clever? Possibly witty?
If he used to work in comic books, avoid him like the plague.
Vi
Ha ha! Comic book guy!
Oh Leela
You’re leaving yourself wide open lovely!
The trick to flirtation is that you hold the cards because that’s all it is. Flirtation.
Rule of thumb. Never ever givve away more of yourself than the other person gives to you.
It’s a game. Like poker. Call their bluff. Pay to see.
Then let it progress.
Of course it was ego shattering. You had been played.
P. S Work out the tell. There always is one.
He probably felt the vibe you weren’t interested and so got in their first. Don’t worry about him Leela. He’s just a knob and you’re lovely.
Aww don’t let him make you feel so bad!! If a man makes you feel like that then act like he doesn’t exist
That´s what I did and that´s exactly I went GOSO! 😉
You’ve work to do in that respect Leela, but the fact your looking to adhere to it augurs well.