Found in Translation
The way that our kind speaks is a language all of its own. Narcspeak appears at first to be a normal way of speaking, with the inferences, interpretations and connotations that one would ordinarily expect when hearing phrases such as ‘I love you’ and ‘I am sorry’. You will not grasp that there is a different meaning to much of what we say to you, at least not until it is too late. Once you have mastered Narcspeak however it becomes readily apparent what is actually being conveyed to you. Understand this form of double speak from us is a useful skill to achieve. Not only will it bring clarity to what has been said to you in the past and what was really meant, it will assist in understanding how to deal with the narcissist in your life going forward, if you have occasion to interact with him or her again.
Narcspeak arises because we operate in a different reality to you. We perceive the facts differently and therefore there will be an alternative interpretation attached to what we say. We know the context of what we are saying, so that it apparently fits with the situation and the discussion, but that is purely as a consequence of our ability to mimic and to convey what should be said. We know what we actually mean when we say these things. We mean something else.
This allows us to evade any culpability at a later juncture if you try to tell us that we said something. We may deny that we said it and if we do admit it, our admission is only ever in the context of what we intend it to mean. We use these words and phrases as a cloak to what we are actually saying to you and the sooner you begin to understand what we are really telling you, the sooner you will achieve a clarity of understanding which will remove the fog of confusion and enable you to decide how best to respond.
By way of example here are a number of phrases which you will always hear with our kind and beneath is what is really being said to you.
I don’t think that it suits you
You look absolutely ridiculous
I didn’t look at anyone else the whole time I was out.
I kissed several people. I have no idea who they were.
You must believe me.
I am telling you a lie.
What are you thinking?
I am not going to tell you anything until I have worked you out first so I know what will be the right things to say to you.
Don’t you trust me?
I find your insecurities both irritating and wonderful. I am annoyed that you think you can exert control over me. I am pleased that you are anxious and I make you that way.
I promise.
I’m just going to tell you what you want to hear.
We will always be together.
You belong to me. I will pick you up and put you down as I see fit.
I cannot stop thinking about you.
You and her. Oh and her. Her as well.
You don’t understand me.
Everything I have told you is a lie so it is little wonder that you do not.
I like you.
You do what I want.
I need some time to myself.
I am spending the night with your best friend.
We are just friends.
We have slept together and we will again.
I am so confused.
I want someone else now.
We have nothing in common.
We never had, I just made it look that way.
You will always be special to me, no matter what happens.
Your fuel is well worth coming back for and that is why I have come back.
It was nothing serious.
Yes, we had sex.
I didn’t do it.
Oh yes I did.
I’d like to see you again.
You have more fuel to give me.
Let’s stay friends.
I want to establish a reason that seems credible to you for returning and hurting you.
I don’t really remember.
I know only too well, not that I am going to admit it to you.
I am broken.
I know saying this will sound good and I am feeling somewhat desperate at the moment to keep hold of you.
She meant nothing to me.
Her fuel meant everything to me. More than what yours means to me.
I must have been drunk.
I was drunk. I often am. I know what I did though because I wanted it to happen.
I am just speaking my mind.
You had better fucking listen to me.
I am not starting an argument here.
It’s fuel time
I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better.
I haven’t a clue and I don’t care.
I will change.
You are a fool.
I want to be a better person.
You are a bigger fool than I first thought.
You always make it all about you.
It should be all about me.
I’ve no idea who she is.
I have slept with at least a half a dozen times.
I don’t recognise that number.
I do. Why is she calling me when I told her not to?
I’m not with anybody.
I am but that is not standing in the way tonight.
It is all rather complicated.
It is bullshit.
I didn’t mean for that to happen.
Oh yes I did and I will do it again.
You made me do it.
I am too weak to accept responsibility.
You don’t have to if you don’t want to.
Goodbye.
I don’t know who I am sometimes.
That sounds deep. She will love that.
I love you.
I expect you to do what I want.
I love your fuel.
19 thoughts on “Found in Translation”
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Somehow I knew I should be worried those few times when he said: “Our relationship is perfect”.
If that is what he meant when he said: “I will change; I am working on it every day – I just know that 2020 will be my year”, and “I want to be a better person”, maybe he was the fool, for I did not buy it.
😀 This is good, H.G.! More of those narc-English-translations, please, I love them! 😀
I heard some of those sentences too.
“Don´t you trust me?”
Stop fussing around and just let me f…. control you!
“I´m not with anybody”
Yes I am but I don´t give a sh1t and you don´t have to know that (probably)
“We´re close friends”
Your fuel is great – I wanna bind you close to me.
“We´re just friends, right?”
..or maybe you let me scr…. you? (probably)
“You´re my best friend”
Your fuel is the best at the moment!
“I want to be your friend”
I want you to give me fuel!
“Just trust me”
Just let me control and ensnare you!
“We´re good friends”
You gimme good fuel and do what I want!
See Decipher.
Gonna re-read it. 😀
Will there be a “Decipher” Part 2? 😉
Aaaw, I just LOVE these! <3
Oh and he even went to therapy month for drinking which I brought him to, never worked- went to several different therapists. Checked into rehab once when I said I was throwing him out but then said all were sicker than him and it was doing zero, he demanded I go get him and then first thing he said when I picked him up was that he knew I’d been driving his bmw when was in there !!! Said he never do AA as it was spiritual/god. Why would he go this far if he was a narc? To keep me in the game thinking he’d change?
On the basis that he is a narcissist, FG, yes, it is part of the facade and also a means of asserting control over you and gaining fuel. The narcissist has the potential to commit any form of action/say something in order to secure The Prime Aims (fuel and control being the most important parts of TPA) this would include attending therapy.
After mine would stay out all night is get several of these in the BS apologies – I would ask where he was, he’s say I need to hear how he feels first – when I said no just tell me he’d say now I’m not telling you you don’t deserve to know. w T F
hG about the drunk piece before I knew he was a narc from your material I thought he was a binge drinker alcoholic. So he knows what he’s doing and chooses most likely? He’s a mid range I believe.
1. Put him through the Narc Detector Consultation to ascertain if he is a narcissist and if so, school and cadre.
2. Based on that outcome you will be able to ascertain whether he operates through instinct or calculation.
3. If you struggle with (2) (people often do) arrange an audio consultation and I will be able to explain it in detail to you, so you can fully understand.
Heard 20 of those in various guises, although many were word for word.
That look I give when he says his shit but I know what it really means! 😏 Thanks HG!
I swear, the 4th of July just happened inside my head. HG, these are good! (What I really mean is that this is some fucking sick and twisted shit and I’m totally disgusted–hahaha). Seriously though,if there’s enough material, have you thought about publishing a book on these? I find these very helpful for some reason, probably because I have been told about 80% of just these alone by various people.
There was something I wanted to ask and after reading all of these, I can’t recall what it was.
OH! HG, a thought hit me yesterday and I’m wondering if a lot of what I’ve dealt with as far as narcissists starting devaluation very quickly with me goes, could be boiled down to this one thing: Do I get devalued within days because I’m not an ass kisser? Is it really that simple, or maybe a large part of it? I watched some chick oozing some brownnose tactics yesterday on my narc friend and I could tell by his body language that he was eating it up and his back was to me. I couldn’t even see his face. That’s when the thought about ass kissing hit me and Idk if I could ever be that gushingly oozy and insincere, and fake AF. I actually got bummed out over this and cursed my truthseeking ways. I’ve never been one to need all of that social media attention should I rain down compliments like: “Oooooh Babe! Your ass looks phenomenal in those jeans!” Or even, “You look so hot in this photo and I absolutely love how the sun is hitting the crown of your head…” bleh. I actually get embarrassed for others who do this. 🙂
And it doesn’t even have to be a book but maybe an addition to the Knowledge Vault? These are really helpful and thanks HG.
See Decipher.
I do think that not being an ass kisser makes a big difference. When a narc comes off as fake and inauthentic, and you know they’re just there to be the center of attention and have others ooh and ah, I will often turn off.
When it becomes expected, ‘Let’s just remember who is the best here,’ etc.
Had a narcy ex get very temperamental whenever I wasn’t fawning over his ‘achievements’. He would try to show me something and I’d be like, ‘That’s nice,’ wherein he would then pout and say, ‘Yeah, you don’t care!’
He wanted me to pretty much get on my knees, begging to suck him off for any little positive thing he did.
Sometimes, when they don’t get the ass kissing they want, they will turn their back to you (literally you say that is what he did) while another gives it, using her to triangulate with you–ideally so you compete with who can kiss ass more.
I saw this on the Somatic’s FB page–who can give more compliments for his shirtless pose, or laugh more at his jokes? Definitely not a game worth playing. Always walk away from that crap.
Sheer poetry, HG.
“I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better.”–The Middle Mid Ranger said those very words to me when I was freaking out over his Twitter page–sobbing, etc.
‘If I could be there, Bibi, I would give you a big hug.’
Only later to be told, ‘I am not going to tell you for your convenience.’ (After I pressed him on why he never told me he was gay in our 7 yrs of correspondence.
Often, when he sent cruel words under the guise of being helpful, he would end his emails with, ‘xo’.
And so it is. Welcome to opposite land. I got into it with him on various situations and was subjected to a variety of similar statements. Good to know now what the truth was behind all of that. Unfortunate I hadn’t seen something like this earlier so I could have been out sooner.
Brilliant article HG. Getting an inside track on what things mean is great. Also found some of the meaning very funny. Love it.
Thank you.