The Overwhelming Angel

 

THE-OVERWHELMING-ANGEL

The Overwhelming Angel appears as if heaven sent, arriving with apparent kindness, brimming with concern and bursting with cannot-do-enough-to-helpfulness.

The Overwhelming Angel is someone who appears to place you at the centre of their concerns, where they are always wanting to assist, that you have everything you need and I just wanted to make sure you are okay. No. are you really okay?

How might you spot The Overwhelming Angel? Here are many examples of The Overwhelming Angel in action. Remember, one or two of these instances is not determinative but if many of them resonate with you and/or form a pattern then there is cause for concern.

  • A telephone call or text first thing in the morning asking if you are okay when there is no reason to suppose that you are not okay. Particularly noteworthy if such a call or text comes after a similar call just as you went to sleep, so that all you have done in between the calls/messages is sleep.
  • Turning up when you are out with friends or family “on the off chance you needed something” or “just checking you are having a good time, as I was passing by.”
  • Repeated texting to ask “have you arrived okay?” when you are travelling somewhere. Particular noteworthy if you are travelling a short distance and/or travelling with a group.
  • Behaving like you are on a first date when you have been in a relationship for some time.
  • Turning up at your house very early in the morning when you have been on a night out, the night before with friends or family, either wanting to check that you had a good time or bringing you breakfast.
  • Insistence on accompanying you to medical appointments, especially ones which might involve a psychologist or therapist.
  • Appearing to be concerned about your diet but making decisions on your behalf “I didn’t buy any wine when I went shopping as I am worried that we (you) might be drinking too much.”, “Where are the Pringles? Oh I there them out, they are fattening.”
  • Providing unfounded warnings about individuals “You won’t have noticed this because you do not pick up on these things like I do, but Lisa´s husband Geoff pervs over you, so it might be a good idea if you do not got to Lisa´s tonight. I don’t want to cause any trouble, but I am just looking out for you.”
  • Commenting on your choice of clothing, “I think you look fantastic but do you really want to be wearing something that tight going into town, you know what some of the men can be like.” It is usually the case that the clothing is not especially tight either.
  • Overriding your transport choices “It will be easier if I drive you there, safer than getting a taxi or bus.” Particular noteworthy if you have already made a decision to use a form of transport and/or you are travelling with others.
  • Turning up to give you a lift home when you have not asked for one.
  • Making decisions for you concerting your health, “You sound a little bunged up to me, I think you have a cold coming on, I think it would be best if you stayed in tonight and let me look after you, okay?”
  • Appearing uninvited under the auspices of making you feel better when there is no problem to being with “Hi, I am on my way around to you with a care package because you sounded a little down earlier and it is my job to make sure you are happy, I will be there in 10 minutes, see you then.”
  • Limiting your opportunity to spend time with other people often done without consulting you “I told Bill and Jenny that you were feeling exhausted after a frantic week at work so I said we couldn’t make it tonight,” or “I rang your mum and said we would give this weekend a miss because you needed a rest.”
  • Increasingly frantic but apparently caring calls and messages if you have not responded, often laden with melodrama (“I have called three times and you have not answered, I am frantic with worry that something might have happened to you.” – you told the narcissist you are going next door for a glass of wine, not entered a war-torn part of Syria).

What distinguishes The Overwhelming Angel is that this type of narcissist may not rely on Pity Plays (“I am feeling down, why not stay with me tonight rather than going to the movies with your friends, please?”) or displays of Grandiosity (lots of gift buying, booking trips away, always paying) but it is all about this narcissists sole concern for your well-being, health and best interests.

The behaviour will be overly paternalistic demonstrating an “I know what is best for you” approach, you will be denied the ability to make decisions about your own life, where you go, what you do, who you see, what you choose to eat, wear, watch and so forth. Considerable subtlety will be demonstrated with the comments, they will generally lack force and manifest in ways such as “I am not saying you are overweight but you might want to cut down on the dining out for a while with people from work” or “You probably have not noticed but you have been rather tetchy as of late, you are running yourself down and you do not want to make yourself ill do you. I think it would be best if you have a weekend at home, yes?”

The Overwhelming Angel wants to ensure that you are isolated from anything which enables you to assert who you are, detached and removed from anything that defines you as a separate entity from the narcissist. The Overwhelming Angel like any narcissist sees you as an extension of him or herself and in this instance the extension is based upon an overriding desire to look after you.

Let’s revisit the behaviours above and decipher them further.

  • A telephone call or text first thing in the morning asking if you are okay when there is no reason to suppose that you are not okay. Particularly noteworthy if such a call or text comes after a similar call just as you went to sleep, so that all you have done in between the calls/messages is sleep. (Lack of boundary recognition by invading and regulating your time before sleep and time on waking (possibly being woken by the “caring call”. Sense of entitlement. The narcissist wants to make sure you are alone.)
  • Turning up when you are out with friends or family “on the off chance you needed something” or “just checking you are having a good time, as I was passing by.” (Lack of boundary recognition, sense of entitlement and wanting to ascertain who you are with to gauge any potential threats.)
  • Repeated texting to ask “have you arrived okay?” when you are travelling somewhere. Particular noteworthy if you are travelling a short distance and/or travelling with a group. (Keeping tabs on your movement)
  • Behaving like you are on a first date when you have been in a relationship for some time. (Extension of love bombing and lack of awareness as to how a normal, healthy relationship progresses because the narcissist has never been in one)
  • Turning up at your house very early in the morning when you have been on a night out, the night before with friends or family, either wanting to check that you had a good time or bringing you breakfast. (Wanting to see if someone else is there, facade of kindness, lack of boundary recognition by turning up very early when you have been on the razzle the night before and therefore wanting to sleep your hangover off)
  • Insistence on accompanying you to medical appointments, especially ones which might involve a psychologist or therapist, preventing you from attending medical appointments (where you have organised one to dispute the fact the narcissist says there is something wrong with you) or insisting you attend a medical appointment (just to check everything is okay when the narcissist has organised it)(Concern about outside interference, opportunity to contest the option of a medical expert which manifests grandiosity and haughtiness, opportunity to harness medical opinion to declare “told you so” under the banner of apparently caring)
  • Appearing to be concerned about your diet but making decisions on your behalf “I didn’t buy any wine when I went shopping as I am worried that we (you) might be drinking too much.”, “Where are the Pringles? Oh I threw them out, they are fattening.” (Belittlement, lack of boundary recognition,  acquisition of property)
  • Providing unfounded warnings about individuals “You won’t have noticed this because you do not pick up on these things like I do, but Lisa´s husband Geoff pervs over you, so it might be a good idea if you do not got to Lisa´s tonight. I don’t want to cause any trouble, but I am just looking out for you.” (Lies, Gaslighting, Smearing)
  • Commenting on your choice of clothing, “I think you look fantastic but do you really want to be wearing something that tight going into town, you know what some of the men can be like and you don’t want to end up a victim of something horrible happening.” It is usually the case that the clothing is not especially tight either. (Blameshifting, Insult)
  • Overriding your transport choices “It will be easier if I drive you there, safer than getting a taxi or bus.” Particular noteworthy if you have already made a decision to use a form of transport and/or you are travelling with others. (Lack of boundary recognition)
  • Turning up to give you a lift home when you have not asked for one. (Sense of entitlement)
  • Making decisions for you concerting your health, “You sound a little bunged up to me, I think you have a cold coming on, I think it would be best if you stayed in tonight and let me look after you, okay?” (Sense of entitlement, Isolating)
  • Appearing uninvited under the auspices of making you feel better when there is no problem to being with “Hi, I am on my way around to you with a care package because you sounded a little down earlier and it is my job to make sure you are happy, I will be there in 10 minutes, see you then.” (Sense of entitlement, lack of boundary recognition)
  • Limiting your opportunity to spend time with other people often done without consulting you “I told Bill and Jenny that you were feeling exhausted after a frantic week at work so I said we couldn’t make it tonight,” or “I rang your mum and said we would give this weekend a miss because you needed a rest.” (Isolating)
  • Increasingly frantic but apparently caring calls and messages if you have not responded, often laden with melodrama (“I have called three times and you have not answered, I am frantic with worry that something might have happened to you.” – you told the narcissist you are going next door for a glass of wine, not entered a war-torn part of Syria). (Lack of boundary recognition)

In all of these behaviours there will be facade management as the narcissist actually believes that he or she is a good, kind and caring person and cannot see that the various strands of narcissistic behaviour amount to two things. The gathering of fuel from you and of course control. Control over where you go, who you see, what you eat, where you dance, where you shop, who you spend time with and for how long.

Owing to the ensnarement that you have, either as IPPS, IPSS and also this can affect NISSs, your emotional thinking is likely to be high and therefore much of this behaviour goes unnoticed for what it is – control. Instead you are likely to think that this person is ever so sweet, very caring, sensitive, thoughtful and considerate. Even if you notice the red flags, your emotional thinking will seek to obscure it by making you feel guilty if you protest, reject or disagree with this behaviour.

This type of behaviour is seen most of all with Middle Mid Range Type A, Middle Mid Range Type B and Lower Mid Range Narcissists.. It is used the most by the Middle Mid Range Type A Narcissist.

If you make some kind of stand against the apparent kindness, thoughtfulness and considerate behaviour, you will experience behaviours such as these :-

  • Sulking (Present Silent Treatment)
  • Moving to Pity Plays (but not starting with them) (“I am only trying to look after you, there’s not need to be horrible.”)
  • Application of Guilt (“I do all of this for you and you still insist on going out in this weather as well and risk getting ill?”
  • Triangulation (“I wonder what your mother would think if she knew you were going out for the third time this week.”)
  • Belittlement (“Wearing that does you no favours at all and you will get unwelcome attention.”)
  • Character Assassination (“No wonder people say you are a slut when you dress like that. I wish you wouldn’t make it so easy for them.”)
  • Haughtiness (“Oh forget it, I am just trying to look after you, but you do what you want as usual, I’m sick of caring. Fuck you.”)
  • Absent Silent Treatment.
  • Threat (“You’d better stay here otherwise……”)
  • Digging Up The Past (“Look what happened last time you went against my advice, (insert once apparently buried one-off mishap)”)
  • Revision of History (“Last time you did this, you know what happened don’t you? (Insert adverse fabricated event).

The manipulation that is the false care and concern evidence by The Overwhelming Angel will shift to a different form of manipulation in order to assert control as a consequence of your stand which will either be wounding or more usually Challenge Fuel.

The Overwhelming Angel strives (instinctively) to overwhelm you.

You may be overwhelmed by this kindness.

That is precisely what the narcissism wants.

When you are overwhelmed, you are controlled.

 

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11 thoughts on “The Overwhelming Angel

  1. Empath007 says:

    I came to read this article because as a co Dependants I was thinking “the overwhelming angel.., that’s my guy 🙌🏻“ there was a time I’d consider this to be the perfect partner, but I must be changing… because now I read it and feel like I would crave all this independence I’ve rightfully earned. And I don’t want/Need to be treated like a child,

  2. dollysupreme says:

    I’ve experienced every single one of them. Apart from the throwing away of the food/wine. Mine was a feeder. He wanted to try and get me fat…… Trying to make me unattractive. Always bought me food parcels at work in case there was nothing to eat……Of course it was to kill two birds with one stone fattening me up while checking up on me, and gaining lots of fuel from my colleagues 🙄. What a lovely boyfriend you have, he lapped that one up. One described him as a cat dropping a mouse on the doorstep for me as a gift lol……

    1. NarcAngel says:

      A “feeder”. I like it. Good name for my sister’s narc

    2. Empath007 says:

      Mine enjoyed extra weight too. I think he was into shaming sexually, while he only tried to test the waters in that respect, I never complied, so fortunately I did not experience anything shaming in the bedroom. But saying they are a “feeder” is so accurate, his previous girlfriend has gained about 15 pounds by the end of the relationship. Now I understand why.

    3. Empath007 says:

      Also a lot of narc moms do this to their daughter. Not that it’s a determining factor, but it makes me raise an eyebrow when I see a thin, well dressed “desperate housewive” looking mom, with a fairly over weight daughter. If the father is also fit… something tells me someone is using food for control. And is in competition with their daughter.

  3. Bibi says:

    I had a coworker interact with a female narcissist. Thankfully, he was able to recognize and put an immediate stop to it, but he informed me that they went out (as casual coworkers, not even dating–it never went that far) but aside from some of the language mind games she played in the car: Suddenly saying out of the blue, ‘I can’t do this!’ Wherein he was left wondering, ‘Do what? Ride in the car? Go to this location? Listen to this heavy metal song? Can’t do what?’ Then sighs and silent treatments.

    She wanted him to text her when he got home after dropping her off. He lives like 15 mins away. I told him that wasn’t being done out of concern but out of control. It is one thing if it is several hours away.

    He eventually came out and told her he felt like he was being hen pecked.

  4. Another Cat says:

    Oh gosh is this tiresome to experience. Several from both genders in my case. What a relief to read.

    There is one more thing. They just can’t seem to leave the house for more than one minute, so controlling. “I’m going out for a walk! Need a little peace, ya know!”

    Coming back after 60 seconds.

    They overwhelm twitter and facebook, make a drama exit, ‘I need to leave for a while, not satisfied with the behaviour of some of you!’ Then return after 36 hours.

    The need to control and surveil.

    1. Another Cat says:

      I feel rather insecure when I notice that 5 couples from the top of my head, where one party is an Overwhelming Angel just like described in this article, who I know/knew, are still together after many years (I googled the White pages) . In one case, since 2000 when they were very young. I guess the Prime Aims are strong on these. 😬 🤔

  5. Eternity says:

    I can still wear what I want and look decent, classy and sexy ,but please dont throw out my Pringles.

  6. cadavera says:

    Can anyone say Kathy Bates in Misery? I can’t put my finger on who this reminds me of in my life, but my mother with her micro managing ways comes to mind.

    If a child was subjected to this kind of behavior from a parent, as in never being allowed to do things themselves (the message is the child cannot be trusted to make her own decisions))and if the child should take the reins of her life into her own hands, she is criticized and judged and made to feel like she can’t do anything right, for this parent, wouldn’t codependency be the end result in most cases?

    1. Bibi says:

      That is an entertaining film. Over the top of course, but Bates is hilarious in that. She never curses. ‘Cocka-doody!’

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