The Importance of Binding You To The Narcissist



One of our central aims when we have targeted you is to bind you to us. During our seduction we create this magical place and invite you and only you to inhabit it with us. We build a fantastic place and place you on a pedestal in the centre of this artifice. It is very difficult for you to realise this is a fallacy and even harder to do something about it. Every day, every hour that you remain close to our influence allows us to create more ties, more connections and increase the extent that you are bound to us. We make you feel fabulous, worshipped and loved. The dizzying, whirlwind nature of our passion is unlike anything else you have known and you readily accept it. It is of course not informed consent. You have no idea what we are, but nevertheless you accept all of this wonderful treatment. You allow us to permeate every aspect of your life. We draw you into ours and make you feel special and privileged for being allowed to do so. Consider how we penetrated your every network so everywhere you turned we were there.

We knew all your friends, we ingratiated ourselves with your family and got to meet your colleagues. We knew all the places you liked to go to and introduced you to some additional ones. We made sure we knew every favourite thing of yours, from books to plays to food. Your wine rack became stocked with the types of wine you preferred, your wear the jewellery that was bought for you after careful solicitation of what you deem pretty and I occasionally arrive bearing a new book from the stable of authors that you enjoy to read. Bit by bit I invade your life and as our relationship progresses at light speed, the gradual, creeping advance of my influence has actually gained more than a toehold. It has spread across your territory like some formidable weed that cannot be held back, covering and smothering. My clothes hang in the wardrobe, I have my favourite chair at your house, you now buy the cereal that I prefer to eat in the morning even though you think it is just a mouthful of sugar. You now wash my socks, my songs populate the iTunes playlist and the bathroom is testament to my occupation with the bottles, razors and accoutrements mingled amongst yours. You cannot fail to see my influence all around you, but you welcome this and from it you gain a great happiness. From dating, to staying over, to co-habiting and on to marriage, this inexorable march of sudden and frantic seduction, although this is only ever apparent with hindsight as at the time it was the right thing to do, results in our lives entwining as I wrap my tendrils around your life and drag you tight against me. So many links, connections, lines and ties between you and I.

These ties keep you in place despite the abuse that is to come. It is sudden and bewildering but you will not give up easily. Not only did you say those vows, you meant every word and we know this. You will not let what we have built up crumble to dust. Admirable as your fortitude may be, you may as well stand on a beach and command the tide to halt its own unceasing advance for all the good you will do. This will not stop you trying though. We know this. The ties are many and they are tight so you will not run for cover at the first administration of a silent treatment. You will not down tools and walk away when the shouting continues long into the night. You do not pack a bag and leave it in the hallway, sitting on the stairs as you wait for us to return, late at night, from whatever tryst we have been engaged in. You keep going, bound to the hope that everything will be good once more, that the golden period will return. You hang in there, you battle, you demonstrate misguided resolve as we lash out time and time again, drawing the negative fuel from your distress, dismay and disarray. You will not let go. The connections are too many. Our behaviour is reprehensible as we open up front after front after front against you, leaving you confused and crushed. We twist, blame, push and pull yet you will not waver. No matter how many times we knock you to the floor you keep coming back for more, dragged back onto your feet by the ties that bind you to us.

Then one day you remove yourself from our toxic influence or in some instances you are removed. Those ties remain but there is an elasticity which allow you to escape us. To be taken away from the acidic words and vicious schemes. The insults, the violent rages, the isolation and the denigration may have been halted. You may no longer be subjected to being spat at, your hair pulled, your money withheld, your social interactions curtailed and your self-esteem trampled underfoot. You may have escaped the daily devaluations which came at you in so many different and unedifying ways but your ordeal is far from over.

You may not have our furious face shouting into yours anymore. You may not be sat cowering behind a locked bathroom door as we pound on it demanding you come out. You may not lie crying in a bed made to feel empty by our absence. You may not stand outside the study seeing the glow of the monitor within, under the door and wonder who we are engaging with online, that knotted sensation in your stomach inducing sickness. You may have escaped many of these manipulations but the ties that bind remain.

The bond we have created with you is so strong, so deep and so far-reaching that every day you will feel a vast void at being parted from us. You will excuse the abuse as you hanker for those golden days. You will feel like something has been ripped from you by our absence. Even though you know how terrible we have acted towards you, you will still suffer that sense of illogical loss. Every day feels empty. You wonder what we are doing, who we are with and whether we are thinking about you. You see our presence all around you still, people still ask about us, you collapse on to your bed burying your face in that t-shirt we kept under our pillow and you still smell us on it. You drink deep of the scent, hoping the nagging pain will recede, that somehow you will be magically restored to where we once both were, when we were happy. Your run your fingers over the tub of hair wax which we left and you remember watching us as we carefully applied it. You cannot bring yourself to discard it, clinging on to these reminders of the joy that once abounded in these walls. You pass the bookcase, touching the spines of the volumes we bought for you, the words and letters all further reminders of our presence here in this house. You miss us you miss us so much, you shouldn’t do, not after what we have done. Not after the vile treatments you have suffered. It makes no sense that you should feel this way but you do. You ache for us, the ties that remain are still being pulled and yanked, even though we are not there with you. The searing pain rises as another reminder appears, the tie still strong. Unlike an umbilical cord which provides life, your cord to us continues to pain you. When will this end? When will this agony recede and be replaced by something else? Would it now not even be better to feel nothing? To be numbed and anaesthetised so you do not have to endure this ongoing pain.

The bond we create with you is so powerful, so deep and so long lasting that it is often the aftermath of the ties that bind that hurts more than the abuse itself. That is how dangerous we are.


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28 thoughts on “The Importance of Binding You To The Narcissist

  1. December Infinity says:

    Pretty powerful article. Lucky for me I got rid of 90% of what was left behind by him already and will get rid of the rest shortly. The less memories I have of the SOB the better!

    1. NarcAngel says:

      December Infinity
      Good job – now purge the rest. If you haven’t already, you may also want to put EVERPRESENCE in the search bar and read that article.

      1. NarcAngel says:



      2. December Infinity says:

        Thank you I will do that!

      3. December Infinity says:

        I will look at the article and finish purging. Thank you,

  2. Duchessbea says:

    HG, judging by the behaviour and conduct (or lack thereof) of your kind you must be delighted to see so many of your breathren walking our fair lands and multiplying with the innocents (Empaths). When will it stop?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, I am not.

  3. Asp Emp says:

    Oh, bloody hell.

    The last paragraph did it.

    Made me cry.

    The last narc caused the most pain. The ones before that didn’t have as much “power” so the bond was weaker, they were complete Assholes. Compared to the last narc (it). It broke me. Still I don’t hate it. Should I? I didn’t “connect” with the others before the last one.

    Bit pissed off, right now. The ET door was yanked open with this post. Not pissed off at HG. Pissed off for being a nice person to allow being treated as I was.

    1. Duchessbea says:

      Asp Emp. I understand how you feel. I have been there bought the T-shirt etc. You were where I once was. Blaming yourself for being too nice. It has taken me a long time to truly work out the narc. And to this day I can’t. You have come to the right place, HG will set you free, if you read his articles and any advice he gives you will certainly help rewire your angry thinking about yourself. I know since being on this site only recently started commenting, the advice HG has given me and the articles he has advised me to read have helped me immensely. HG, being a greater knows every angle the Narc works from and can give helpful and sound advice to counteract the Narcs behaviour. You also need to work on yourself and heal the trauma bonding within you. I found yoga, meditation and mindfulness a great help plus long walks on the beach. Remember you are the prize that’s why narc chose you. He wanted your good qualities. He wanted everything you are
      The prize. When narc couldn’t get the qualities he left.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Hi Duchessbea, thank you so much for your words. I left because I was not getting the truth out of him. He’s already started with the next IPPS and refused to explain himself. He didn’t need negative fuel from me – he had that at home. Now I know who I am. Yet I’m the one left with the quagmire of feelings – to work through & I know it won’t be a quick process. Now I know quite a bit about narcissism, I will be able to listen to my instincts when they are trying to deliver a ‘message’, next time I meet someone who “seems very keen to get to know me more”. HG’s work has helped a great deal on the mental side of things. It’ll take time, I will get better.

        1. Duchessbea says:

          Asp Emp, it will take time and things will get better. It won’t be a fast process. You have to work through the trauma bonding to heal yourself. Everyday do something to work through to healing yourself. Always acknowledge how you feel and work through those feelings. Remember the narc will never give you closure so you have to give the closure yourself. As HG says when you know you go. Any future suitors if you feel off with them or you feel like you are walking on egg shells, go. It’s your life, live it, love it and be happy. You came to the right place. HG will give you the best advice to deal with this. Much love.

  4. umeltmyheart2stone says:

    I can feel the bond, it is strong and suffocating at times.

  5. WokeAF says:

    I have a question
    What would the name of the manipulation be for following examples (Besides lying)

    He used to say like;
    “I was going to say, hey, maybe you could move in here, move your kid in here, try to work it out – but I was blocked/you moved and didn’t tell me”.
    (When that would’ve been the golden carrot / but never would’ve happened regardless of my actions, plus I never would’ve done it anyhow)
    “I bought a roast chicken , but cancelled all plans (when I didn’t hear from you)”
    (When he actually totally was not into hanging out and avoiding me himself)

    It’s almost like …threatened loss, but in the past. Like you COULD’VE had what you wanted but….your actions..blah blah. When it’s totally untrue.

    It feels like a unique manipulation outside of lying and blameshift, is it?
    Thx HG

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Answered with the shorter version of this question, WAF.

  6. Leela says:

    Please don´t get me wrong: I don´t mean to call ALL victims naive and gullible, but especially the author of that book I´m talking about. She stays! Even though the narc calls her “fat cow”, “stupid”, “ugly”, “stupid cow”, “prudish” and such stuff. NOBODY who respects their partner does something like that! Period.

    The narrator blames herself for everything, for the behavior of the narc, for being indeed “too fat”, she wants a loving and caring relationship and is certain, that you have to work on the relationship and everything is gonna be alright. So why not accepting the fact that you cannot have a loving and caring relationship with this particular man, leave him and look for someone else? Even though you don´t know what you are dealing with: This behavior is just an absolute NOGO! The narc behaves like a j*rk! An a… hole! Narc or not: Who wants a relationship or marriage with an a… hole, anyway?!

  7. Leela says:

    That´s exactly what I read in a book from the victims perspective. I could never understand, why on earth those women stay so long with the narc, even though they are treated like sh1t. I read in some forums because I was curious on the victims perspective. Indeed, many victims are just totally confused, they are in the trauma bond, the narc makes them stay through Intermittend Reinforcement and other manipulations I understand. BUT: Some of the narcs behaviors could be totally absolutely and huge K.O. criteria for me (cheating, wanting threesome, group sex and such stuff). I read in a book (true story) how the narc manipulated the victim into group sex, was flirting and complimenting other women in front of the victims eyes while calling her “too fat” but the victim stayed because of hope. She wanted a family and was all the time hoping that “everything is gonna be alright” as soon as the narc and her will have a family! Please excuse me for calling her just naive and gullible.

    And here´s a little progress report from me: I´m an idiot! While I complain about a narc who “rejected” me, I totally forgot, that for them it´s all about the Prime Aims (fuel,control, character traits, residual benefits). I slipped into ET and made a huge fuss. So I should be GLAD about this “rejection” and it shouldn´t bother my ego. It´s even a compliment cause I´m not so easy to control and there´s not enough fuel for the narc. I think the first time I should be HAPPY about this “rejection” 😉 😀 😀 😀 and for SURE not take it personally. 😉

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Whilst this may not be the case with regard to the book that you refer to, caution must be exercised when reading these “victim” accounts. Some are written by MRNs, many get things wrong about narcissism and many miss large sections of understanding about narcissism. The latter two are of course not unintentional, but as a consequence of not understanding narcissism.

      1. Leela says:

        This one is a real whole book from a real victim. She doesn´t WANNA see the abuse. She´s unhappy, the man triangulates her all the time with other women, tells her, how “hot” his work collegue or his sport collegue is. He calls her the worst names, the sex is bad and he puts her down all the time. But she´s dreaming of a house and family and is so fixated on her dream that she just doesn´t WANNA see that the man is a terrible abuser. She doesn´t WANNA see that he´s a serial cheater.

        I was just wondering, don´t those women have “K.O-criteria”? I remember when I was in relationships before I married my current husband, I had some “tipping points”. So for example, when a man would have asked me to have group sex or a threesome, that would have reached a kind of “tipping point” in me and my brain would have screamed: GO! LEAVE! NOW!

        Or if a man would have told me, how “hot” his work-collegue or whatever woman was, that would have again reached the “tipping point” in me, and my brain would have immediately screamed: TIME TO GO!

        I don´t know how to describe it exactly but it felt like “tipping points”: The moment when enough was enough!!! The moment, when I felt: THAT is a total NOGO! and knew that I gotta leave the relationship.

        I was just wondering if some women don´t have those?

        1. Intrepid traveller says:

          The tipping points disappear. Years of telling you that there is nothing wrong or their abuse is a result of something you have done you get to the point that you accept ‘it’s just them‘ and start working around the abuse. Very sad. I had bad boundaries myself because of my childhood. That doesn’t help either

      2. Violetta says:

        HG: does Martha Stout fall into any of these categories?

        1. HG Tudor says:


          1. Violetta says:

            You TEASE! You hint at your lack.of respect for her work in a post, and never explain why, though you continue to lead me on and get me all worked up!

            You future-faking cad!

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I recommend you think again and apply what you understand from my work, to what I have written.

          3. Violetta says:

            Alright, here we go:

            – She admits to making up anecdotes instead of using actual cases and disguising names and identifying details.

            – Her prose style isn’t total word salad, but she definitely tries to be more “cuddly” than, say, Robert Hare.

            – She assumes the Pity Play is the universal “Tell,” when of course some Narcissists use it rarely, if at all.

            Mid-ranger Angel With a Dirty Face?

  8. Marcia says:

    It’s like you’re describing my whole life with him, 30 years long, the golden period and the devastating period when we bought a house ‘together’ and he suddenly got back to his old life drinking and completely ignoring me.The emotional abuse started. I fought back, threw him out, but every time he managed to get back into my life.
    I just wonder why he refused to marry me, was buying a house together enough binding for him?

    HG, is this a typical approach from a Greater narcissist or could a Mid range narcissist also be this calculating? Of is the only difference that you are aware of this scheme and the Mid ranger is not?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Use this, Marcia,

  9. Whitney says:

    HG, the God. This is why he wanted to give me money, or wanted me to live at his parents’ house.
    I produce a lot of Fuel so he wanted to bind me.

    1. Violetta says:


      I remember this cluck. Is he still dropping by your workplace trying to run your life?

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