Offspring : The Narcissist and Children

 

OFFSPRING-2

I have detailed previously why it is that we regard the act of impregnation as a material asset in the narcissistic armoury. It is not only the promise of impregnation, but the act itself and what this act creates that produces a whole host of benefits for our kind. This is the approach adopted by numerous of our kind, those who see children as additional appliances from whom fuel can be drawn, pawns to be used in the repeated triangulations which can be orchestrated with the primary source and the method by which we are able to claim the achievements and the accomplishments of our issue as our own. Not all of our kind adopt that approach. There are those of us who regard the idea of offspring as a threat and a hindrance to our agendas.

Why would we want someone to come along and steal our limelight? From the moment a child is born it is sufficiently pathetic that it requires nigh on twenty four hour assistance. It cannot walk, it cannot feed itself, it cannot clothe itself or wash itself. It must be tended for on a repeated basis. If you were to look to us to do this, you would find that there would not be any assistance forthcoming. Not only are we notorious in our desire to shirk menial tasks (unless we see that there is some considerable benefit in us doing so) but we do not see why we should have our needs pushed to one side in order to facilitate the care of another. Even though that child is a product of our loins, there are those of our kind who adopt such a view. You ought not to be surprised by that. We behave the same with our parents, siblings and wider relatives. We are like that with friends of both short and long-standing duration and naturally we behave in such a way with the person we supposedly love, our intimate partner. Why then would you expect anything different from us in respect of a child. In such circumstances therefore, the decision not to have children would be regarded as a blessing I am sure by your kind. We could not countenance that all of the emotional attention would be directed and fixated on such a helpless being. Here we are, magnificent and brilliant and you choose to direct your fuel to somebody else. That is an insult indeed to us and a mighty criticism which would wound us considerably.

Our resources would also be sought for this new arrival. Time, energy, finances and so forth. We regard our resources as ours alone and begrudge sharing them, unless such largesse brings additional reward for us. This selfishness is necessary in order to preserve ourselves and the fact that a child needs our resources is not going to change that mind set. We do not do anything just for the sake of doing so. There must be an ulterior motive to our actions. Pouring our resources towards somebody who will be oblivious to this for some time is not something that finds favour with some of our kind.

From your perspective we know you regard us as selfish for behaving this way. We regard it as self-preservation. You are the givers and the carers, we are not. If you wish to judge us for adopting such a stance, so be it, but for those of our kind who regard the issue of children as something to be avoided, that position is most unlikely to alter. We see only loss. Loss of our resources and loss of our fuel. Whilst some of our kind regard the additional benefits which can be derived from having children (the binding of the primary source, additional fuel provision, potential for traits and triangulation etc.) as worth obtaining despite the likelihood of reduced fuel from the primary source and reduced resources, there are also those from our ranks who assess the situation and decide it is not a price they wish to pay.

What is behind that? Why is it that some of our number opt to have children and others refrain from doing so? I cannot offer a definitive answer, although I consider, from my experience and those that I have engaged with that the proportion of our kind who decide to have children is greater than those who do not. I suspect the temptations of further fuel provision and triangulation prove quite the draw. It also highly likely that the idea of securing our legacy through children proves attractive as well. Seeing our own image and knowing that it will, more likely than not, outlive our mortal selves, does appeal to the need to maintain our idea of omnipotence. See how mighty we are that our influence lives on in our offspring and will do so in their own as our dynasty is forged. Such a notion does provide its own appeal.

What of me? What tipped the balance for me so that I opted to remain child-free in order to remain light on my feet, unhindered and fully-resourced. Was it the factors I have described above which caused me to decide that having children was not for me? In part yes, although I readily admit that the other elements and benefits from having issue are attractive. No, whilst I weighed up these various benefits and disadvantages it was something from my past which proved to be the deciding factor. It was something that has resonated with me for some time and something that somehow buried deep inside me and stayed there for a while until I decided to act on it and made my decision as to my destiny in respect of children. The idea of seeing those in my own image wending their way through the world and following in my footsteps was a strong pull, a strong pull indeed, but ultimately it came down to something else. This may be applicable to others of our kind as well, but for me the decision came down to this.

I could not take the risk of him or her or them reminding me of you and what you did to me.

Those words will never be forgotten.

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5 thoughts on “Offspring : The Narcissist and Children

  1. Asp Emp says:

    “it was something from my past which proved to be the deciding factor”

    Interesting you say these words. But not surprising. There are potentially many of your kind that felt / feel the same way.

    My own childhood and society at the time made me decide. Even now, I don’t regret my decision. Society today hasn’t really changed that much.

    What would a female narcissist feel towards their own child? I have read that the mother can be ‘nice & loving’ in the public face, but what happens behind closed doors? My mother was not loving / nice in public, never mind behind closed doors. Even though she’s dead – can I write a ‘letter’ to her but redirect it to you HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You may do so, that is the idea of the Letter to a Narcissist Series.

  2. casleighmay says:

    I can actually relate to your reason in someway, HG. I also chose not to have children because I didn’t want to be reminded of what was done to me but in my case there was also a fear that I might also do the same to my children. I never trusted myself enough to be able to hold it together as a mother.

  3. Karen maher says:

    Glad I never had CND with a narc they really should never have children

  4. Gina G says:

    I think perhaps that having children with a narcissist is the most difficult thing in moving on with your life. Most of us will not leave our children behind, which guarantees a constant connection to the narcissist as long as they remain interested in the children. I waited until my children were adults to escape but it’s still difficult as my daughter decided to stay and live with him. At age 20 she is now the primary source. Although as time goes by, it has been a year, I believe she is seeing the strangeness in him little by little. She and I still have a good relationship and I will continue to foster that, mostly not talking about him, and letting her learn for herself. This is what I had to do and I would not have ever believed anybody who spoke against him until I was ready.

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