Its All Connected


So your break-up was hard and it left you wounded, the injuries both physical but mainly emotional and you have kept yourself locked away for months now. Seeking isolation as a means to address the upset that you have experienced and vowing never to date again. Your resolve has increased, with daily deliverances as to what he did mounting up as you hear about an accumulation of abhorrent actions. You decided to focus on what mattered to you and thus relationships were consigned to the back of your mind. Feeling stronger, the wounds healing yet not healed you face repeated invitations from your well-meaning friends, friends who have supported you through this unpleasant period of your life, to come out of hiding and let yourself shine once more. You agree and after extensive preparation you emerge,like a hibernating creature and join your friends in that bar that has been refurbished and is a honey pot for all the beautiful creatures.

I see you stood there at the bar. You are stood slightly apart from your friends as if seeking to preserve your personal space. I see conversation is directed your way and recognise that your friends are paying you what I would regard as an excessive level of attention as if they are repeatedly checking that you are okay. Occasionally hands touch your arm by way of reassurance and heads lean in as soft faces radiate kind expressions. I know you are being looked after. I know that you are being protected and that means you have been wounded. I scent the blood that has been spilled in your past and wait until the ‘phones are wielded to take various posed photographs. Time to approach.

I make my way to the bar and slightly turn to observe you and your friends as the photos continue. One catches my eye and I smile. She responds with her own smile and nudges her friend.

“Would you like me to take one of you all?” I ask as I move alongside you. Nods of appreciation follow and I am handed phone after phone as I commit your group photo to a digital memory. I engage in polite yet playful conversation with you all but remain focussed on your reactions. You are hesitant but laughing at my words, seemingly wanting to embrace them yet unsure as to whether you should. I pull out my own phone and take a picture of you all and then alter the focus so the lens homes in on you and you alone as I take a burst of pictures before wishing you an enjoyable evening and withdrawing to my waiting lieutenants.

It is not long before a search of your image has given me your name and I am able to ascertain some of your interests from your Face book profile which include the fact that you are a keen dancer and have won several dance competitions. I do some research into dance competitions for young men and prepare my hook of having been a dancer in  my youth although a football injury put paid to my burgeoning progress. I absorb a few key elements of terminology and then make my move towards you. I flick the first domino and it begins to fall into the second.

We talk. We drink. We dance. I learn more about you. I impress judging by your friends’ responses. I secure your number and give you mine. I text courteously the next day. A dinner date is secured. The date goes well. I learn more about you, compiling my dossier about you as a follow-up date is readily agreed to. I surprise you with tickets to a ballet performance. You are delighted. The dominos keep tumbling. Your resistance evaporates. Date three is a pushover and then the dates become more frequent. I am in your house. I am in your bed. I am inside you. Three weeks becomes three months. The dominos keep tumbling as I know all about your past. I know all about your present too from my snooping. I engulf you in my world my lieutenants circling about you. I grab the wool and pull it over your supporters’ eyes, recruiting two of them into my fold. I raise you up. I draw you in. I flatter and charm.

Your time is with me. Your phone full of my love. Your weekends are filled by me. I stay at yours and you at mine. The toothbrush appears and then the overnight bag which remains in place. You wash the clothes for me and then I am there more than I am not. I disconnect those who serve no purpose from your network but you seem not to notice. Your eyes show me how enchanted you are as those dominos continue to tumble. The holidays are booked as I start to invade your future. I check your phone for you and relay messages.

I read your post but you do not mind as I do it when you are busy to help you out. Naturally. The salami slices as I impose my world on you and you readily submit. I know all your friends, I know all about your work, your hobbies and your family. I am regarded as the ideal tonic after ‘him’ who we laugh about and who I know is one of my brethren but I never tell you. Your days are mapped out for you by me and you tell me often how lucky you feel. I do not disagree. I move in but keep my own house as ‘the market is not right to sell just now’. That bolthole is going nowhere. The social circle is established. You are elated. The world is offered to you and as the dominos clack clack clack you accept it all. The ring appears and you say yes. A date is set and plans are made as I give you the future. The tendrils are all around you, the fuel lines in place but of course you do not notice. I am with you, in you and around you. You sit at breakfast admiring the glinting ring on your finger as you remark.

“Do you know it is six months since we met in that bar? Who’d have thought it?”

I send you that special smile and you fail to notice my eyes blacken for an instant because you are still yet to discover that one thing leads to another.

32 thoughts on “Its All Connected

  1. A Victor says:

    Six months is too quick to be engaged. The whole thing just goes way too fast. The speed is a big takeaway for me in all this study of narcissism. I need to be responsible to slow it way down and if he leaves because I do, oh well. This is if I ever date again.

    1. Beguiled says:

      A Victor, that is the exact conclusion I have come to, and was just discussing that with a friend last night. If they are not interested in healthy boundaries and taking it slow, well, then we know what we are dealing with.

      1. A Victor says:

        Beguiled, I love your name. Also, I read/heard something from HG yesterday that indicated he sets the speed. I do know of two women who shut the narc I was involved with down (I found this out later) at the outset (he was obvious to all but me). Otherwise, I’m not sure if we can control the speed, since they don’t acknowledge boundaries. But if they’re not respecting boundaries on day two, for example, it’s still going to be easier than on day 102, right?? Lol, I’m not sure because I didn’t. But being more aware, I’m hopeful. And more prepared.

        1. Beguiled says:

          Yes, awareness, and, as far as boundaries are concerned, not being so available. We will keep plans with friends, not drop everything, and beware of a man who is impatient when it comes to responding to texts.

          1. A Victor says:

            Great ideas, thank you.

  2. Kerrie says:

    How do we know which type and subset of narcissisti we’ve made a life with? Is there a list of qualities somewhere?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You use this Kerrie, that way you will get the accurate answer.

      1. Eternity says:

        HG, what are those numbers?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The code to my safe.

          1. Eternity says:

            Ha ha , I think I will play the lottery using these numbers. If I win we can split the earnings.

  3. December Infinity says:

    Trapped again! I need to more homework before ever considering venturing out.

  4. Eternity says:

    Now that is super duper scary . It is hard to date again after a breakup with a Narcissist, but to do it all over again would be devastating.
    We need to be so careful not to get ensnared.
    HG, you have taught us what to look for but sometimes it is hard spotting your kind especially Midrangers.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Stick with me and you will be evading them like a pro.

      1. Eternity says:

        Most definitely. It will be hard to go back to the dating scene . Your help will be needed in that category for sure . For me dating sites are out of the question and I need time .

        1. HG Tudor says:

          My help is available at the appropriate time.

          1. Eternity says:

            Thank HG, I will definitely need you in that category when it time. We do need time to get our strength back.

        2. Beguiled says:

          Eternity – I agree! I’m in the same place. NO dating sites ever again and not ready. I have finally tackled the 5 spheres, but it’s only been 3.5 weeks. Holed up. He is finally leaving me alone (for now). Working on the 6th, but my ET is fighting me hard.

          1. Eternity says:

            You can do it. Dont let your ET win you are stronger than that!
            Good luck.

    2. Beguiled says:

      I dated two in a row..first IPPS, 2nd IPSS. The first was devastating, as I was deeply in love. I knew nothing about Narcissists after spending most of my adult life married to a normal. The IPSS was a mind game almost from the beginning and far more addictive, for some reason. But now we have HG.

      1. A Victor says:

        Beguiled, do you have any idea why the IPSS was more addictive? I think that’s the position I was in, possibly as a candidate. I’ve never been involved with a narcissist romantically, until this one, and it was a very short lived event overall but wow, 4 weeks today and it’s still so strong, and has changed me forever I’m afraid. Maybe that’s not so bad but at this moment I’m not sure. Anyway, just curious if you’ve given it any thought. Thanks

        1. Beguiled says:

          AV, I think it has to do with the NARC himself. With the IPPS, I didn’t learn of any other people he was involved with. I never experienced jealousy or triangulation. When I learned that he had NPD (pre HG), I stopped going back (after 4 times). He continues to hoover me every few months (July 2020 was the latest), but it is with harmless emails. “I am having trouble moving on, this was a big learning lesson, feeling nostalgic, how is your family, “. In general, he is fairly sane, despite his persistence.

          With the IPSS, when I became aware of his serial dating and pathological lying, I became half crazed in my attempts to uncover the truth, which was extensive because he is a whore (MMR, Somatic, Nomad). When I met him, little did I know he had 3 girlfriends who all thought they were in a serious exclusive realtionship and the dating sites were a CONSTANT. I am a truth seeker and my narcissistic trait is pride. Sex was also a huge factor. For him, it was clearly a game and he upped the stakes every time I tried to escape. There was nothing he wouldn’t do to keep me ensnared. I was on a crazy train and I got addicted to the supreme drama..and the sex. Logically, I wanted it to end so much, but I felt compelled to continue. 18 months in total!

          This past month of being free of him has been a relief from all the stress and anxiety and like a drug addict who is craving a fix (of crazy).

          How long was your relationship and how did you find out?

        2. Beguiled says:

          AV – IPSS was also more addictive because, since I WAS a secondary source and he had such an extensive fuel matrix, I didn’t get enough of him. I always felt wanting, desperate for him…. so when he started to give me more (he lost a large portion of his matix and I became IPPS candidate), I was all too ready to receive it.

        3. Beguiled says:

          AV – I am changed as well…I feel hopeless about finding real love ever again and fiercely guarded. single for 3 years and 2 narcs to show for it. My ex husband is looking pretty good right now…

          I’m interested in your story

          1. A Victor says:

            Well, it isn’t much of one, compared to many here. But my ex, an addict with narcissist tendencies and possibly antisocial personality disorder stated at age 15 by a counselor he had. Who knows.

            He left and I didn’t date, or want to date, for 10 years. When I was ready to consider it at the end of April this year, I went on about 10 dating sites, never having been on any prior. I was on most for a day or two but did find one I enjoyed which had forums that I participated in. The narc was on them as well and not well liked. I was on that site for about 2 months before deciding to move on but the last couple of weeks that narc had zeroed in and been messaging me. He was very nice in those messages and I thought everyone else didn’t know the real him, haha. So, when I left, he and I kept in contact (the love bombing intensified).

            About a month later, I told my daughter that he’d been abused by his ex, she was horrified and told me that’s what abusers tell you!!! So I spent a day researching him online. Nothing came up odd save one financial piece. Everything else was as he’d been telling me. But, she had startled me out of my euphoria and I started paying closer attention.

            There was the sexual element, we never met, it was all online and via phone calls, but he was very good at the mind-sex. So, after one phone call that was related to this, I discovered inadvertently that he was still going on the site we’d met on and had that morning about 4 hours after our call. It was quite upsetting but I was apologizing since we had no stated commitment to each other. I said I needed some time to think and he went into what I now believe was full preventative hoover mode, it seemed at the time like he was panicky. Thankfully I responded that one cannot know they love another after a few weeks and I told him goodbye mid panic and hung up. Unbeknownst to me at that time, this probably “wounded” him.

            The next day, after I’d had time to think it through, I decided to explain to him why I had been on the site, in order to retrieve our early forum posts to each other as I thought they were sweet. When I called to tell him this, and brought up the prior day, he exploded, screaming, name-calling etc and I was to never contact him again, after which I hung up. It was very rattling needless to say. I had no intention of contacting him again at that point.

            Three days later, he reached out with his explanation of the situation. He is very ill, (he lives with his father, also ill and old) and his illness can affect his mind, which was his excuse. I knew it was felonious and told him so and to never contact me again. The next day I caved, still knowing it was felonious (he tried for the remainder of our relationship to convince me it was true) but I forgave him and we carried on. There were changes in our relationship at that point, much less on the sex, as dictated by me, though not completely off limits, and I was much more watchful and started studying narcissism, what led me to that I’ll never know. Anyway, I finally arrived here, just after we were completely done.

            The end happened because the final weekend we talked for 8 hours Fri night but Sat. morning he started the emails on a negative note. I knew something was up and by Mon morning I told him we were through. 4 weeks ago yesterday, no hoovers so far so maybe I “diagnosed” him incorrectly. But, he did at least 48 of the 50 things HG lists in his book “Red Flag”.

            The reason I believe I was the CPISS was that he knows his father is dying, they are supposedly very close, the facts online and other places reinforce this, and the time he spent with me, especially the phone time, hours and hours every day. But I do believe there was at least one other in the running after that blow up happened as the emails changed a bit.

            I would not have believed such a thing existed had this not happened to me personally and then read all the things which are so similar, exact even, in the progression of the situation, on this site as well as others. I have stopped looking at the other sites as HG is the most informative. Sorry this is so long. It is the first time I have laid the thing out. Thanks for asking.

          2. Beguiled says:

            AV – Sorry for the delay, my son ended up in the ER on Monday with a burst appendix. He is healing well.

            I read your story several times. A relationship where you have never met almost seems more complicated than a traditional one. Did you live in the same area? Did you ask to meet? When you said you were the IPSS, did you gather the dad was his primary source? It’s very typical for a Narc to claim illness, for one reason or another. They are shameless when it comes to pity plays. Mine not only has daily issues, digestive, back, but claims to have stomach cancer etc. Also suggests suicide on the regular, all for manipulation.

            “The end happened because the final weekend we talked for 8 hours Fri night but Sat. morning he started the emails on a negative note.” I’m baffled by this. Did you feel like this was the beginning of devalueing? I’m impressed that you were able to shut it down so quickly. Do you think he is who he said he is? Meaning, do you really know who you were talking to? I’m suggesting perhaps a catfish type of situation. Maybe that’s why he tried to create a fight, to bypass the possibility of meeting.

            I realize you gave me the Readers Digest version so Im trying to fill in the blanks. Your comment on him claiming to be abused by a former lover reaqlly struck a chord, as my first Narc, the IPPS, said this too. Of course, I believed him. They are victims through and through.

            I know you have read Red Flags and are fairly sure he is a narcissist, but it may be a good exercise to do the Narc Detector with HG. It’s very theraputic to write it out and perhaps his words will help you to feel equipped to date again, one day, however long that may take. hopefully not 10 years! Hearing HG speak to you directly about your specific situation is also compelling.

            I plan to do the Empath Test, as I have heard from other that this is also helpful in recovery. I know without a doubt that I am, but am curious what type and to get HG’s feedback.

            Know I am here, and no story is too long for me!

          3. A Victor says:

            No worries! I’m glad your son is okay.

            We live at opposite ends of the country, far apart. I did offer two options for times I could visit, he chose the latter, this was a big red flag for me but I accepted the reason, his father is seriously ill.

            I have not seen any photos of his face, he sent one of his hand at one point. But, the day I researched him online, I do believe I found a few photos of him related to his employment. They are consistent with his illness as well so I do believe he is who he claimed to be.

            My daughter’s reaction really opened my eyes and I started to tell various people various parts of the situation. Putting those all together is what made me realize on that weekend that I had to end it for my own safety going forward. I am so thankful that she was there and was honest with me. She knew how happy this relationship was making me so it wasn’t easy but her reaction was instinctual. And of course, my kids want me safe and in something good.

            I don’t know if the last weekend was the beginning of devaluing or more tests, he’d already done a lot of those that I’d picked up on. But, I was “testing” him too, is this someone I want to go further with?? You know, so I didn’t think too much about it. But, I am certain that he did not expect me to end it at that point.

            I do think his father has been the IPPS for a while and so the need of a new one is on the horizon. I am considering doing the narc detector on him but am currently doing one on another in my life that I have now put together due to this situation. Lol, I think it took this for me to see the original one clearly. I’m not certain if doing the Narc Detector on someone so short lived in my life is of value. He will not get through to me if I don’t let him and I don’t have any desire for that. I am feeling stronger every day and, though I do “miss” the interactions, I am attempting to make a habit of thinking any thoughts of contacting him through to the end. He would be bad, very bad, based on the things that were woven into all the sweet stuff.

            Thank you for your input and care of it, you have helped me sort some of this out, just in putting it down in writing.

          4. Beguiled says:

            AV – I get it! Just chalk it up to a learning lesson… I am also now aware of other narcs in my life. My boss, for instance. HG says to get all narcs out in order to keep ET low, but don’t know how I can do this. I’ve had this job for 9 years and it is perfect in every other regard. Plus, I work from home and only deal with him via IM and email for the most part. Maybe 1-2 calls a week.
            Good Luck to you, I’ll see you around the blog 🙂

  5. Asp Emp says:

    Hook, line……… ensnared……..

    1. Eternity says:

      They are more fish in the sea,hopefully the hook line wont attract the Narcissist.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Yeah, it depends if Covid fks off sooner than later. I’ll have a think of some uses for a hook line in the meantime 😉

  6. Beguiled says:

    This story makes you sound downright evil. Is this just the Greater Narcissist? It makes the idea of most narcs being driven by instinct, less plausible.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is applicable to the Greater.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.