Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery
This is a capricious, arbitrary and hostile world. It must be brought to heel, tamed and subjected to the exertion of control. My control.
This is why I must cause every appliance that I come across to become attached to me. From my next door neighbour who I say hello to and exchange banal pleasantries with for the sake of my façade (even though I would readily drive a rusty meat hook through his malformed cranium if he tells me again about the refurbishment details of his latest property acquisition) through to my friends who join me for drinks on a Friday evening through to the latest girlfriend that I parade, all of them must be attached to me.
The creation of my construct is the device which causes these individuals to become attached to me. That magnificent edifice which is created from the mirrors which I show towards those whose paths I cross. Make the ticket inspector smile on the train by supporting him dealing with a obstreperous teenage passenger, encourage a friend in his plans to lose weight, show that prospective IPPS her own hopes and desires so she begins to fall in love. All of that is the work of the construct which is designed to draw each and every source – from the tertiary through to the ever-so-crucial Intimate Partner Primary Source – to me and cause them to attach to me.
Whether the barista thinks I am a pleasant and loyal customer, a junior colleague considers me an inspirational boss, the lady I pass every other day whilst out running gives me a smile of acknowledgement and admiration, whether a friend considers me someone he can turn to for advice, whether she falls hopelessly in love with me; there are thousands of different ways for these appliances to attach to me.
It might be a jealous co-worker who seethes at my arrogance, the nervous supplier who dreads my call demanding what is behind his company’s latest cock-up, the weeping cast off who was once the apple of my eye but is now a maggot-infested windfall, all of them remain attached to me.
It is through causing these appliances to be attached to me that I can exert control as I assimilate them into my world. They are mine to control, to utilise, to extract from and through this I can then control my environment. By controlling my environment I aim to minimise the traitorous ambush or the treacherous mutiny. Keeping everything in its place, subject to my control and functioning as I require it, means I drive forward and order is maintained.
Attachment is the key to achieving this. I have to draw you in, hook you, grip you, I have to bond you to me, bind you so you do not escape me, clamp you in place, tie you down and secure the attachment. I will give you the illusion of the golden period, I will lie to you, I will give you generosity, I will show you largesse, I will even exhibit some form of manufactured intimacy, kindness and support, the promise of fuel and the years of practised scrutiny enabling me to give you what you want so I secure your attachment.
Yet for all these fuel pipelines that are connected to me, for all of the bridges that have been built, the links which have been carefully constructed, they are all one-way. It is you being attached to me. I feel no attachment to you.
That is why I am so able to turn on the person that I supposedly love and watch as the tears trickle down the disbelieving face as I lambast her for wearing the wrong shade of red or turning up two minutes late. That is why I can lie between the silken thighs of another and promise her the world whilst you lie awake wondering where I am and praying that I have not been involved in a road accident. That is why I can assure you that you will be promoted by year end and in the next meeting offer it to somebody else instead. That is why I can decide not to turn up to the dinner party you have spent a month planning and go and watch a film elsewhere. That is why I can smash your grandmother’s watch with a ballpein hammer as you observe, in a fit of hysterics.
My lack of attachment allows me to disappoint, renege, cheat, lie, provoke, hurt, torture and abuse. It gives me fluidity, mobility and efficiency. I am not hampered by guilt, nor remorse or a sense of obligation. I form no attachment with you. I do not feel it.
You may ask me what I might think of those who I interact with and I can conjure up the tributes and platitudes in an instant:-
“John? Excellent worker, never lets the company down, a key member of the team.”
“She is a wonderful woman, I do not know what I would do without her. She is my world.”
“He is amazing. First name on the team sheet every week.”
“NarcSide Inc? Fucking brilliant. Use them. I did once. Never gone anywhere else.”
But for all of this I feel nothing by way of attachment. I bolt you on to me, but I will not attach to you. What does attachment bring? Nothing but misery. Look around and you will see the woe and pain that being attached brings for people.
You become attached to a pet dog which will die in 10 years’ time and you cry for the loss of your furry friend. Why? Why attach to something that is only going to leave you?
You are attached to your employer and show loyalty? What for? So they can bend you over and shaft you by making you redundant and show you the door without even a tub of lube to ease the pain of the experience?
You are attached to your house, but you have to sell it, or it burns down, or it is flooded, or someone breaks in and yet more pain is dumped on you.
You are attached to your friend and share everything with that person and then one day he is mowed down by an articulated lorry and is left nothing but a smear on the road. You are distraught, besides yourself with grief because of your attachment.
You attach yourself to a lover, a girlfriend, a husband, a partner only for them to cheat on you, to leave you for someone else, to shuffle off this mortal coil pumped full of morphine or grasping their chest as a heart attack takes them from you. Your world comes crashing in, you are shattered, besides yourself with grief and it is all because of your attachment.
You attach yourself to offspring only for them to disappoint you, leech from you, turn to an unsavoury lifestyle which embarrasses you and dismays you because you are attached to them. Or you are always worrying how they are getting on at school, will they secure that job, pass their driving test, find a good man or woman? Your feelings are put through the mill owing to this attachment.
Oh I know you will tell me that you gain so much from these attachments, love, happiness, support, understanding, companionship, joy, loyalty, a sense of achievement and more besides. I have heard it before, but I see over and over again the misery that always arises from these attachments. It is not worth it.
It is far better to never become attached in the first place. I cannot trust. How can I when I was given a salutary and compelling lesson that if you try to attach all you receive in return is rejection and misery. Better not to bother. Build the wall, dig the moat, put up the barriers, do not allow anybody in and in so doing you prevent these weakening attachments from occurring and you save yourself the inevitable, and it is always inevitable, misery that is waiting around the corner.
Yet for me, I do not even have to contemplate creating that tower or ensuring that the ditch is dug deep. I do not have to roll out the figurative barbed wire and electric fences to keep people out. This is all done for me because I do not know how to connect with someone. I have no idea how it is done.
I can attach them to me. That is easy. I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. A combination of brilliance, charm, magnetism, manipulation and the identification of those from the strong to the weak and back again who are the best for succumbing to being attached to me. I can bring that about through all of the various seduction techniques I have described before.
Yet for all of that power of attraction, which few can resist, from tertiary to secondary to primary source, I do not know how to form an emotional attachment with someone. I may align interests and outcomes and sense a mutuality of purpose but I feel nothing for these appliances. There is no bond. There is nothing attaching me to them. The emptiness within me, the void which I seek to fill with fuel from all those in my fuel matrix pervades my relationship with those in that matrix. I am hollow and that echoes in my relationships with all those around me.
Whatever it is that compels you to feel connected to somebody else, whatever you describe it as and I have heard people do so on many occasions, I remain unable to sense and experience it myself.
There is just nothing there.
Does this trouble me? No. I see the misery that comes with attachment and I see my inability to connect to anybody as an advantage so I am spared what happens to so many others.
The Creature had all of that and it can keep it.
I rose from the seat of misery and I found a new throne.
34 thoughts on “Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery”
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HG (and Empaths/Victims) –
I just read on a very interesting topic; it relates to a coping mechanism that could be at the root of BOTH the narcissist and the victim. HG can consider it as it relates to him; however, in doing so, he should be considering his role as narcissist AND as victim (of early trauma, likely repressed). Perhaps HG is already aware, and that is part of why he is doing what he does here, as an adaptive, rather than maladaptive coping mechanism. I would like the victims to consider this as it relates to both the victim and the narcissist (not because I want them to feel empathy for the narcissist, nor to be more accepting or forgiving of them, but just to gain understanding).
The coping mechanism is Repetition Compulsion. It causes a victim of trauma to compulsively repeat the situation which caused them trauma, often with the aim of obtaining a different outcome than the original trauma produced. This is typically thought of in regards to a victim who either stays with the abuser, always ends up in relationships with abusers, or mentally engages in traumatic reenactment. However, the victim of the trauma may repeat the trauma as the victim, or they may repeat it as the abuser. Consider this situation as it could take form with the narcissist. This could be useful for a narcissist to consider, so they could gain understanding of what they are doing and why, and possibly seek a more adaptive coping mechanism.
Since all narcissists continually repeat what is basically the same pattern of behaviors, it is postulated that narcissists suffered trauma early in life (often they have repressed the memory, and it often involves a parent, through abuse or neglect, etc.), and they try to cope with it by recreating the situation with a person who resembles the person, in some way, that caused the trauma. They continually attempt to recreate the situation to achieve a favorable outcome each time. So, perhaps the narcissist recreates the scenario with the narcissist being the abuser, and his partner being the victim (which was the narcissist’s role in the early trauma); or, he recreates it with his partner being the abuser (the role of the parent or whoever traumatized the narcissist) and the narcissist as the victim. It would seem more plausible that the latter is what they believe the roles to be, since they always think that they are the victim; but I suppose they could be reversing the roles, but still see themselves as the victim, possibly because of projection. Anyways, this would explain why they select certain victims, and why they keep abusing and instigating conflict in these patterns, trying to recreate what happened to them, but hoping to get a different outcome. Perhaps they change a few details, to see if that alters the outcome to a favorable one. Perhaps they don’t alter the details, but still expect to somehow gain mastery over what happened; perhaps their way of getting mastery over it is to be the one doling out the abusive acts.
Being the one to dole out the abuse as a way of trying to gain mastery over the trauma would actually coincide with the situation my narcissist described — that someone had hurt him, so he decided to never let anyone do that to him again, and to instead do it to others. As it relates to repressed memories, often times, the victim does not recall them until about 50 years of age, sometimes they never become aware. I recalled mine just before turning 50 years old; and, at the time that my narcissists told me about his situation, he was 52 years old. I don’t know at what age he was aware of the thing that traumatized him, or if he had always been aware, but by the age of 52, he was aware of it. I would also speculate that based on his views of women and their roles, which are likely shared among many male narcissists, the trauma likely related to his mother or father, and/or the dynamic between the parents.
On a side note, endogenous opioids can also play a role in this process, and be affected by the abuse tactics and cycles.
Below are a couple links that I read about the concept of Repetition Compulsion.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evil-deeds/200806/essential-secrets-psychotherapy-repetitive-relationship-patterns
http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/
Not entirely accurate.
1. Not all narcissists are created from trauma, our creation is from a genetic predisposition towards narcissism combined with a lack of control environment. A traumatic childhood is part of a LOCE but not all childhoods are traumatic and a narcissist can still arise because there are different LOCEs.Take for example Grade B LOCE or a Gilded LOCE.
2. The key catalyst is the lack of control which creates a hypersensitivity to threats to control. These threats to control manifest in many different ways.
3. The narcissist does not create the same scenario (or a similar one) seeking a different outcome, instead when an individual NOW threatens our control, it is as if they are originator of the original lack of control environment and therefore we must nullify that threat to our control and therefore we nullify the threat to that control through the 3 Assertions of Control.
No 3. Blimey! No wonder those bitches hate me so much!
HG, it ws good to read your response to WP. Your point number 3 – I totally get that and I suppose I can understand that better than some other people because of my own past experiences and probably why I used to react in a similar way when I felt I was being “threatened” in some way or another. Yes, hopefully I can get my TDC done before too long, so I can see which traits need further education on. Thank you for this, HG.
I think I understand Gilded LOCE–one example would be the kid whose caregivers admire and approve everything he does because it reflects well on THEM, but he never builds real.confidence by struggling to.achieve something and eventually mastering a skill (after numerous failures). He becomes accustomed to effortless achievements where he can’t take credit because “junior got his athletic ability/singing voice from ME,” and he may be reluctant to go out of that comfort zone and risk any failure at all.
How does Grade B work?
See the article “To Control is To Cope” or listen to the video “What Marks The Narcissist?”, Violetta.
Will do.
Exactly! No 2 the first sentence. Perfect.
Is there a reason why the Co Dependant (who seeks control) is so bad at actually achieving the control ?
You don’t need to answer that but I am curious.
Also.. #3 very interesting.
Yes, the Co-dependant is not us.
LOL! 😉
(not laughing at the fate of the co-dependent, just the intrinsic answer, and the humor, thereof)
HG, is it possible for a Co-D to instinctively seek control (because of their own past and the type of abuse they endured)? Effectively react by ‘lashing out’ because their ‘survival mode’ kicks in? Is this where a weakness in their ET is brought to the fore?
Apologies for the number of questions, HG – it is reading this part of this thread that is making me think – especially in relation to my narcissistic traits – I will eventually do the EDC & TDC to get this information in more detail.
They may feel an absence of control and therefore need to respond to that or they may not realise they are seen (from the narcissist´s perspective) as asserting control against the narcissist, owing to an absence of knowledge and the obscuring impact of ET.
I’ll bear that in mind in the future, or at least, be mindful and do my best to remember the education that I have gained so far. I am being honest that it could be difficult from time to time and it should become easier over time, unless someone who knows me very well has knowledge on what makes me ‘tick’ (like a bull to a red flag). Thank you, HG, for your time in explaining & answering my queries 🙂
WP, woah, what a comment. It is certainly thought provoking and very interesting to read. Thank you for sharing.
This article is very interesting. Feelings are interesting. Learning very recently that I am an empath I have been studying what that means. I don’t “feel” the way I hear other people say they do. Love, for example, is a choice I make, a verb, a daily decision. So is the attachment that goes with it. I can have fun and laugh with another but doing so doesn’t attach me to them. People come and go, sometimes my choice, sometimes theirs.
I have adult children, they have their own lives, I am thankful not to be responsible for them anymore. I enjoy spending time with them but go much longer than they would like in between sometimes. It doesn’t bother me. I was so responsible when they were children that it’s a relief now to not have that constant weight on me. I miss my ex now as this was suppose to be our time. But it doesn’t register as a feeling. Or maybe it does but my brain doesn’t compute it as such.
For much of my life I didn’t feel anything, it was all shut down during my childhood, so early that I don’t remember it. Except fear maybe and later “anger” stemming from fear quite often. The feelings have come on occasion, slowly and transiently, as an adult, since I’ve been working on it. Sometimes they overwhelm me and it’s difficult to keep my head above them. But I am thankful for them when they come because they mean that I am human, like proof, and with the doubt that’s been there at their lacking, I am grateful.
The times I did know feelings were those times of loss, my dog died (not to minimize any human’s passing, I just haven’t lost people close to me to death), my husband left (I missed the dog more). And now this narc situation.
I do believe that the need for drama arises, for me, from the desire to feel something, anything. Becoming aware of this a few years ago has allowed me to back away from the drama and let things happen organically. It is a whole new world.
Setting aside morality, the narcissist is truly unable to understand the full human experience. Narcissists are created through a combination of genetics and early childhood experiences— they are an anomaly. The combination of genetic deviation and environment cuts off the full human experience. Because I’m on this side I’m terrified by the idea of losing my SELF, human connection, and the full spectrum of emotions. To be unable to know and experience everything, only jealousy, anger, etc. and ever brittle “power” built on delusion (and upon the objects the narcissist derides 😂).
It’s sad if someone can not experience feelings in this world. As it’s probably the biggest gift we possess…
Interesting. The lack of attachment enables the narcissist to manipulate and abuse everyone at his/her disposal. This makes sense although it is harsh. Such is the view of the narcissist who is unable to connect and chooses not to with the various appliances.
Good question, BC, and I find the thought of being a narcissist to be terrifying as well. Just the utter sense of aloneness, thought it’s likely they do not feel alone as the need for connection doesn’t exist. What does exist is the need for fuel, so the endless quest for fuel is the injustice experienced by the narcissist. Not the injustice of not being able to truly connect, love, feel sadness or joy. And it’s worse because they can never be satisfied. True connection brings a great sense of satisfaction. The narcissist is denied this ability to be content. It literally must be hell on earth – from an empath’s perspective. But maybe from a narcissist’s at times as well.
Life is suffering, but it’s also so much more. It’s the experience of existence itself.
“Oh I know you will tell me that you gain so much from these attachments, love, happiness, support, understanding, companionship, joy, loyalty…but I see over and over again the misery that always arises from these attachments. It is not worth it.”
But how do you know it’s not worth it having never experienced those things? I find the thought of being a narcissist terrifying– to be cut adrift floating in nothingness without any attachment, utterly alone with absolutely no hope of connection ever. Alone. Missing out on a huge part of the human condition and experience.
“There is just nothing there”
It is always so hard to comprehend this and it makes me incredibly sad.
I know you’ve taken advantage of it, HG, and in many ways attachment does cause misery. But it also creates a sense of fulfillment you will never know. The reason for the misery is because that attachment/relationship has brought such joy. Something else I know you do not experience.
Sharing these thoughts will not change the facts, I know. But I always wish they could.
Thank you for sharing
First, short paragraph – is that cracking the whip? Oh, yes, I bought a whip – the type that is supposedly used for when horse-riding and I bought it from a Farmer’s Market in Milnthorpe. I liked the colour, dark purple (unusual colour – like me, I’m unusual too!). It’s still sitting in the back of my wardrobe, unused. Hmm, possibly worth a few bob on Marketplace. (Thanks for the reminder – I had forgotten all about it LOL).
Ok, back to the post….. appropriately….ehem…. it was interesting that the article starts off on why do people do “attachments” and then ends with how a narcissist thinks – all because of the ‘creature’. The blasted creature. The Damned Creature. The Black Void. It’s a good article – showing both sides in the world of narcissism. It does make some empaths empathise, other empaths may not. I feel sympathy, then I don’t. It’s a harsh reality. Greater narcissists know this. Some empaths know this. That is the way it is. That’s not Life though.
Oh, by the way, I’ve sourced my whip and added it to the pile to go…….
Reading this article again, I still agree that attachment is the seat of misery.
An old friend of mine (known him for 28 years) is dying of cancer. Another, younger than him but whom I had known for as long, died two weeks ago, of cancer too. It is a whole important slice of my life that is vanishing into thin air. Nothing left but memories, and a reinforced impression that my own life is sliding by, and a conviction that it is urgent for me to really live, in a way that is as much as possible in keeping with what I really am and want to achieve. Which I intend to act on.
As usual, I am currently cutting myself off from all those emotions (brought about by those friends’ death and sickness) as much as I can. Don’t know if I can keep the tsunami from occurring at some point.
Attachment is a bitch.
Sigh, cancer. Reading your comment, it’s horrible to lose people that you know & have loved as friends to ‘pass on’. The loss leaves a hole. I know. I understand. Cutting off the emotions. Resolve to ‘live’…… a friend of mine (known 40 years) was diagnosed of cancer last year and less than a year later, is now free of it (surgery, the whole she-bang) – which is a great relief. Such a nice guy. I experienced summat else but had a close-call myself but it didn’t change the way I think or feel – probably because I was in the midst of the world of narcissists (not voluntarily!!)….. The tsunami will come – allow it but keep the lines of communication open with those you know who will be there to hold you….. keep safe x
Thank you for your kind words, Asp Emp, much appreciated.
I am very sorry to hear about your friends, Fiddleress, and it would be incredibly hard to lose two long time friends in such a short space of time. It would also make everything else seem more urgent, in terms of living your own life and doing what needs to be done. Cutting yourself off is a natural reaction and I think we all do it to some degree. Not everything can be dealt with in the moment and our minds will assist us in that sense. I don’t know if you can keep the tsunami from occurring either, but I hope it does not overwhelm you. Your obvious attachment does not feel like a gift in this moment because it must come to an end. But the memories you hold you will treasure for a lifetime. Trusting you will get through it all OK <3
Lickemtomorrow, thank you for what you wrote. You are right, the memories I will come to treasure. These two lovely friends are also linked to memories of the last twenty years of my life in which I did not live MY life really (20 years ago was when the golden period with my daughter’s father ended, and then the consequences of that entanglement have just been more or less settled lately, to allow me to start living my life). Those friends knew my daughter’s father, and also a person I had a relationship with before meeting him. It was a good relationship but not one I could put up with at the time, of course (not a narcissist).
Well, I will quit the reflecting now. And yes, I will get through it. I always do.
I hadn’t planned on mentioning all this here, but that is part of life too, and I aprreciate the support. Again, thank you.
I can see these attachments are very significant with regard to some important life events and it seems there are many things coming to some kind of closure at the same time. It sounds like these friends helped you through a very rough time and now that you are prepared to start living again they won’t be there the celebrate and enjoy that with you. Right now you are dealing with the loss of one of those friends, so I don’t want to dwell on it while you try and cope with that except to say that I’m glad you shared and if it helps keep doing so. Loss is never easy and neither are new beginnings. I’m sure a lot of us here can understand the pain attached to both <3
Oh, LET, it is precisely as you say.
Reading your post opened the flood gates a little, but it is fine. It was not overwhelming, and it had to happen sooner or later. A little at a time is better than a tsunami.
Thank you for posting this.
<3 Fiddleress,
I'm glad you have a achieved a small level of release from your sorrow for now. And feel better to know that it was not overwhelming. A little at a time will hopefully keep that tsunami at bay and thank you for letting me know it helped. We help eachother x
Fiddleress- unfortunately, the loss of friends in a short period of time is something that’s happened to me too. When my best friend died in 2018, it sent me into a bit of a tailspin, and that’s when I ignored red flags with my narc person, and let things drag out longer than I should have.
Another dear friend died in October. She really wasn’t doing well with fears around the virus, and triggering herself very badly by watching Main Stream Media. It wasn’t the virus that ended up killing her, but her bad coping habits. And despite her fears about the virus, the day before she died, she was trying to figure out a time to get together with me out in public because she missed me and wanting to see me. She was willing to put herself out there for me, despite her fears.
At that point when she died, I had been no contact with the narc (second round) for 3 months. And it solidified for me, that I’ll be damned if I ever put my head on the chopping block again for some manipulative *%*# who doesn’t value me. Who basically has some “trash bag” method of operation with people, taking people for granted, and hitting the ground running when people figure him out and the jig is up, and scrambling to find new fuel sources.
N
“It wasn’t the virus that ended up killing her, but her bad coping habits”
coping habits – such a big thing that is being largely ignored by the medical (cough, cough) “experts”. They ‘bang’ on about “mental” health but they are not really looking into ’emotional’ health.
Emotional health – in my view – is more dangerous than the mental health – especially when the individual is not really understanding their own emotions. If they cannot understand their emotions, they are getting confused, so effectively their mental health gets confused too.
This, in turn, starts to affect their physical health.
I know I am right. I’ve experienced it, I’ve lived it.
Science and medical “world” are to blame – because they are not fkg looking at the REALITY. They are NOT looking at PEOPLE in the RIGHT way. It pisses me off now. I suffered. Why? They have not got the HUMAN PSYCHE right in any fkg “system”.
I am so sorry you lost your friend.