How Green Is Your Grass
I attended a consultation with Dr E. The view from his consulting room looks over the gardens to the rear of the building in which his room is situated. It is a well-tended garden and is immaculate all year around. I have yet to see anyone working in it or any sign of someone working there. There are never any tools left lying around or piles of leaves gathered together waiting to be burned. The lawn is especially verdant. A lush,green carpet which is devoid of daisies and dandelions. It has been cut and rolled so it appears pristine.
“Now,” began Dr E from his seat across the room from me. I moved my eyes from the garden to the doctor.
“We had been discussing your thirst for fuel.”
I nodded.
“You explained to me about how you draw that from those nearest to you and at first this comes in a positive fashion through admiration and adoration.”
I nodded again.
“Unfortunately however this never seems to last and you need to then collect what we have established is negative fuel based on negative emotional responses from those around us.”
I gave another nod.
“From our discussions I understand you have an unquenchable thirst for this fuel. I understand that. Accordingly, since you must always gather this fuel you are going to obtain it in both positive and negative forms. I wondered whether today we might look at why it should not always come from a positive form. How does that sound to you?”
“By all means.”
“Good. Now, you have told me previously about the different way that people provide you with this positive fuel. It is based on praise, attention, love, adoration and admiration. The nature of the provider influences the quality of the effect it has for you and also the nature of the praise etc has an influence on the quality. Now I understand how you draw this positive fuel from numerous sources but let us focus on it all coming from just one source, the most obvious being that person you are in an intimate relationship with.”
I gave another nod.
“We all like praise. We all enjoy being liked. It matters more to some than others. People offer attention and praise when they choose but as we have discussed you find it necessary to behave in certain ways that causes this to be given as a matter of course and in some instances you actively manipulate a scenario in order to produce this adoration. You have told me how you do this repeatedly during a typical day. ”
I nodded once more and wondered when he was actually going to ask me something.
“So, my question is this, how might you ensure you get this positive fuel from just one person? How might you go about drawing it from one person and not needing to draw it from other sources. They may provide it voluntarily, that is fair enough, but I want you to focus on applying your manipulations to just one person to gather this positive fuel and leave the rest alone. How might you do that?”
“I don’t think that it can be done.”
Dr E remained silent as he used the void to encourage me to expand.
“I live in hope that someone might be able to satisfy me and give me this positive fuel all of the time.”
This time it was Dr E’s opportunity to nod.
“If they did it would make my life a lot easier. I would not have to seek the additional fuel from these other sources. You know, the lady in the coffee shop, people in the street, my colleagues and so on. The fact is I am not with the primary provider of my fuel all of the time.”
“I see. So you feel a need to be with them all of the time?”
“Well no I don’t and that is precisely because I am able to draw my fuel from other sources. If you denied me those secondary sources then I would be in trouble.”
“What would you do?” asked Dr E.
“Well, if the stipulation is that I am only allowed, for the purposes of this discussion, to draw my fuel from one source I would have to be with that source all of the time.”
“Because you need to draw on it frequently?”
“Precisely. No matter how much fuel say a girlfriend provides me in the morning I will need more and soon.”
“How soon?”
“A few hours, sometimes less.”
“Why?”
“Because if I don’t get it I feel weakened and then well you know, it starts to make itself known.”
“It being the creature?”
I nodded quickly.
“Very well. But if your primary source remains with you all of the time pumping out positive fuel you would not feel weak?”
“Yes but that isn’t practical is it? I have a job to do, she usually has one too. I have to go places where she won’t be there and I cannot be in constant contact on the telephone even when we are apart, however much I might try.”
“Sure, sure but I want to leave the practical to one side for now. I want to understand your mind set and attitude to this. I can then look at the practicalities later.”
“If you say so.”
“So if you could be with this one person, this intimate partner, this primary source of your positive fuel all of the time you would not feel weak because they are giving you the fuel you need. This would sustain you?” suggested Dr E.
“For a period of time.”
“I see. How long that would be?”
” I don’t know because it has never happened.”
“But you don’t feel it will last because you referred to it sustaining you for a period of time?”
“Yes.”
“Why do you say that? Could it not sustain your permanently, leaving aside the practicalities for now, but if that primary source is there all the time giving you praise, admiration, love and attention, won’t that be sufficient?”
“No.”
“You said that straight away. Why are you so sure?”
“Because in the past they have let me down.”
“Okay but this time the source is not going to go away, it is going to keep producing positive fuel just as you need.”
“It still won’t work.”
“Tell me why.”
I leant back in my chair and stretched.
“Where do I start? They stop trying. They do not give me the level of admiration I need. I don’t know why this is. It is not as if I stop being good to them. They always do this first. They don’t look at me the same way that they used to. That shining in their eyes has dulled. I have seen it happen and I don’t understand why. I am still the same, I still shower them with affection and make them feel wanted but they change. They don’t praise me as often as they once did,notwithstanding how often I tell them of my achievements. It’s them doctor, it as if they become bored of me but still want to be around me. I don’t get it. I don’t get it all. How can they be bored by someone like me. I hope they won’t do this but they do. That’s why I have to prepare my contingencies and have others waiting in the wings in anticipation of this happening. They make it happen. Not me. Experience has taught me that I have to have these reserves. Plus as well doctor there is so much fuel out there to be gathered and I know it wants to be supplied to me. A monk would be hard pressed to resist the lure of all this fuel. I am always wondering whether it will be sweeter and stronger than what I am getting already and guess what? When I go and get it I find out that it is. It is fresh and invigorating and it is all because the current supply is not doing what it should.”
Dr E was scribbling energetically as I turned back to the window and looked out into the garden again.
“You see the grass is always greener doctor and I have to go and lie on it.”
38 thoughts on “How Green Is Your Grass”
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It’s green because you’re not over there fucking it up.
Lmao!!!!
It’s not that they get bored with you; it’s that they get comfortable in the presumed security of the relationship that they don’t feel the need to be as cringely enthusiastic about everything. And of course certain things begin to preoccupy their mind more like stress at work etc
It happens in all relationships which is why sometimes you have to make a conscious effort to take an interest in your partner rather than it always coming naturally. This of course means the fuel will vary. So from your perspective they are letting you down due to the lack of consistency in fuel giving but from our perspective the relationship is taking it’s natural course.
Your welcome, feel free to email me if you have any further questions
I thought narcissist actually prefer negative fuel because it makes them feel more powerful and they enjoy the contrast… why then, would they want someone to continue to provide positive fuel ? I thought that was like the ice cream… the flavour gets boring and it simply won’t do. This interview does not make sense to me in context with many other articles .
It does not answer the question of why the grass is greener. Wouldn’t the answer simply be because the narcissits gets bored easily ? They’d rather try their manipulations on a virgin empath ? Someone who hasn’t been subjected to their ups and downs before ? Watch them as they crumble ? And the blame them for crumbling… blame them for not performing. Then seek someone new. Who will hopefully put up with the abuse for much longer ?
That expectation of positive fuel occurs during the seduction phase, the infatuation when the golden period is seen as lasting forever, but it does not last. Hence the narcissist wants it to continue, but it does not through the fault of the other. The narcissist wants it to continue, but alas, it does not, and thus negative fuel is embraced but that is okay, because it is your fault, not ours. At the point of infatuation the narcissist wants the positive fuel (remember most narcissists do not realise that they are narcissists) and therefore they want everything to stay “good”. Of course it does not, but then that is your fault, not our fault. Also, you have to understand the specific dynamic that is occurring between me and the good doctor. I know different because of my awareness. Accordingly, I am explaining that OTHER narcissists caught in infatuation want it to continue because they are unaware. I however know it does not and I enjoy tormenting people, but it served my purpose in that interview to assert control over Dr E by causing him to believe that I, HG (not OTHER narcissists) want the golden period to continue.
“between me and the good doctor”
Singular?
Typo?
See the article.
“See the article.”
I understand and I see where I made my (interpretation) mistake. But normally you speak of ‘the good doctors’, in any context and with regard to every visit you discuss. So I was surprised.
I am alert, focused on every detail, but this I guess was overreacted!
Not an over reaction, merely an error.
“Not an over reaction, merely an error.”
Yes, my mistake Mr Tudor
Thanks for your answer I appreciate that. I will have to digest this one for a bit… it’s still not totally clear. Please don’t re explain, it’s just that even with the explanation it’s not sinking in within the context of other articles. I will read the ice cream article again and see if it helps. Thanks.
HG, I had a dream with you in it last night. Funny you mention grass b/c in the dream there were orchids. You appeared, and this time I could see your facial features but you had no body hair whatsoever. It was as though you were shrouded in some thin, translucent sheath, sort of like what you see on potstickers or springrolls.
Then you told me you had ‘rabbit teeth,’ and you brought me out to your orchid garden which was huge and impressive, wherein you asked, ‘Do you want to talk about your daddy issues?’ And I responded, ‘Not really.’
Then there was a white cat that I went to pet but it hissed and growled at me and ran off. When the cat ran off you got upset and you were going to leave, so I had to give you compliments in order to get you to stay.
Then there were wasps flying about and bugs were attempting to worm their way under the covers with me and it was then I woke. I don’t know why you had ‘rabbit teeth’ or why your skin resembled a giant springroll. No hairy legs in tangerine shorts for me.
This was extremely vivid and went on for several hours.
No cheese before bedtime. Dreaming about me shrouded in a giant condom looking like Bugs Bunny is not only wrong, it is contrary to the Tudor Image.
Laughing….
Oh HG, you break my heart! I went to bed early! I can’t help my subconscious!
Laughing….
That would make a great Halloween costume for you next year HG!
Bibi:
What in the fuckety-fuck?
V:
LOLOLOLOL
I was sober and went to bed early I swear.
Bibi
You should contact Tim Burton. I think there’s another Alice in Wonderland in there.
Tim Burton my left glute. This is worthy of Luis Buñuel and Salvador Dalí.
Another article that shows so well the different thought process that narcissists have, another one that was difficult to read and seems unbelievable. I guess it’s a matter of acceptance again, whether or not I can wrap my head around it. Acceptance and learning how to avoid these people. But, I always argue with myself at this point, but they have so much to offer, so much potential, what if…knowing in my logical mind that it won’t work. It’s so sad and frustrating.
Hi AV, reading what you say in your comment. I understand what you are saying. In my view, it is not necessarily ‘acceptance’ that is important right now. What is though, is learning to understand yourself as an individual in how and why you presently think in Logical and Emotional terms. Using the resources on this site – process the information and look at it laterally, once you understand yourself and apply / shape / use your knowledge it in ways that it suits you as a person.
You saying “in my logical mind that it won’t work” – to me, if I may say so, this indicates your LT is being led by the current state of your ET. You cannot avoid narcissists as they will always be around, so will empaths and normals. It’s all about learning to ‘guard’ yourself against the manipulations of narcissists in the future. It will take time. You will eventually ‘get there’ and I am confident that you will reach that point in a shorter period than you realise. Have faith in yourself.
Asp Emp, thank you for your thoughts! And, again, your encouragement. Yes, the distinction you make regarding avoiding narcissists vs guarding oneself against their manipulations is very good. I will keep that in mind.
Can you explain a bit about looking at the information here laterally? I don’t follow that. Like, look at it from my level? Not try to accept something I’m not understanding? I’m sorry, examples are helpful sometimes. Oh, rereading, do you mean not looking at the narcissist but rather applying it to myself? Yes, if that’s what you mean, that’s what I’m trying to do. I was happy to hear more about the traits and their corruption on the videos the last couple of days. I want to become more tuned in to those so it’s easier to know when they’re being corrupted and hopefully learn to head it off at the pass. If you meant something different, I’m all ears.
Hello AV 🙂 You’re welcome. Ok, I will try explain what I mean by “lateral” – there are different aspects to look at here – firstly – it is not an easy thing to do – but imagine you have several boxes in front of you – you are standing outside of these and seeing these boxes. Each box has a label – all are applied to your life and what you are going through at present. You CAN actually do this – obtain several sheets of paper and label each sheet. Take yourself (mind & emotion) and look at everything in front of you…..
Maybe start with writing a list of everything that is in your mind at present, how do you feel at present? Then apply the different things on this list and put it into each “box” as applies….. (the following is an example of how I meant by laterally)
Box a) = KTN site (everything is there – the resources, comments etc & entertaining conversations for a short break from things going on around you)
Box b) it is about getting to know what narcissism is as a whole
Box c) understand why / how/ what your mother does as an individual
Box d) understanding you as a person
Box e)
“Box” no label at all = it is not about understanding “your” narcissist – he is gone
And so on…..
You could use these and review them from time to time – until eventually, you won’t be needing to refer to these ‘boxes’….
Obviously, you can use any method that would suit you best x
Ok, I think I understand. I will have to do it to be certain but that is easy enough. Thank you!
Great to know. You have to be able to start somewhere and somehow. I hope you can find a way and I know you can – I just wanted to give you some different ways of looking at things. x
A Victor , I find it so hard to avoid these people. They are everywhere. I went to get a coffee to go of course so I can go for a walk and this wierd construction guy was sticking up a conversation with me telling me how hard it is with Covid etc. I listened and agreed but told him sorry I had to go. He seemed creepy.
Yeah, I just don’t talk to men. Been that way since my ex left for the most part. I do miss them though.
Good for you ! You are cautious and careful.
Not really, just scared, terrified even. I said that on the blog on the site where I met the summer narc and he was the one who responded, the charming started from that point. So, now I’m even more set back. But, at only 2 months removed from him, and still living with my mom, I have some time to sort things out before thinking about even thinking about anything involving romance again.
A Victor , I feel the exact same way. I am petrified myself . I was in a long term relationship for many many years .He was my one and only. I gave him my heart,body and soul. Now I take it all back,realizing it wasnt genuine . I need time to heal myself. Take your time no need to rush. I dont even know what romance is anymore . All I know is that life is short and we need to make the most of it. Covid doesnt help either. Tough times ,hang in there . Xoxo
Any children involved?
How long have you been away from the narc Eternity?
Would leaning to say “I don’t understand English” in a number of languages or just use your hands and gesture that you are deaf before walking away?
Ha ha I should try that .Good idea ,I should put my headphones on and not hear what they have to say.
Yes, and hand gesture and saying no speak English ha ha
LOL. Better practice some ‘accents’ (laughing)
Oh yes , I am actually good at imitating accents ha ha