Protection

PROTECTION

I am just a baby in your arms. I am fragile, brittle and vulnerable. You see I was broken when I was so, so young. I did not know any different and all I wanted was to be told that I was good. I did everything I could to please them but it was never deemed enough. I don’t know why I could not make them love me but it just did not happen. Perhaps if I had tried harder. I know it is my fault really but I did not know any better. They took something from me, I still do not know what it really is, but I think you do. I think you hold the answer because of who you are.

I try to be a good person, I really do but there is just something that stops me from being that decent and compassionate person.  I see what you and people like you do and I cannot help but wish I was the same. Sometimes I want it so much it makes me do things I should not do because I cannot control the jealousy that rises and makes me do those Bad Things. Believe me, I fight against it but I have not had the strength to defeat the wickedness but I have you now don’t I?

You will shield me and give me the fortitude I require to complete my journey to redemption. Everything that has happened before was borne out of me lacking you. Those things that I have done, well, I am not proud of them but I was weak and knew no better. I did not have you to lead and guide me. The others, you see, those others promised me that they would take care of me but they were just pretenders and charlatans who took from me and left me twisted and beaten in the dust.

Sometimes I had to fight back. That was when I struck out at them. I did not want to, truly I did not want to do those things, but sometimes I was given no choice. I know all that has gone now because you are here. You are the person I have waited for for so long. I believe in you and how you can save me. You are my caretaker, my salvation and my rock. I look to you and you give me such hope. You show me that there is a better way, a road that leads to salvation.

It is a road that will take me away from the Badlands and the darkness. I understand the road may be long, it may wind through difficult places but ultimately, with you holding my hand, I know that I will reach that place where I need not be afraid any longer. I need not hurt and lash out but instead I can harness the real goodness that is somewhere deep inside me.

You told me that it is there and I believe you. You know about these things. That is the way you have been made. You are the carer, the healer and the peacemaker. You must understand why it is that you are so special to me. You are the only one who truly understands what is to be me and you are the only one who can save me.

I will place my heart in your hands and let you care for it. I have been broken, I have been broken for far too long, a shattered and fractured creature who has had to endure living this way without any hope of redemption, until you came along. Please, make me a better person. Please care for me and nurse me and hold my hand when the demons come. I look to you and only you and in those optimistic eyes of yours I find absolution.

All I want is to be loved. It is not too much to ask is it. I am a noble yet broken person and you hold the power to make me what I want to be, what I should be. I am like a baby in your arms. I am vulnerable yet with you there anything becomes possible. I know you will love me, care for me and protect me. You will save me. You are the only one.

You fall for this speech.

Every time.

10 thoughts on “Protection

  1. Asp Emp says:

    Part of my comment on this article in November 2020 : “On occasion in the past, if I felt I could not ‘trust’ someone, I would build-up the wall around me and leave that person at a ‘distance’. I had always felt like that but it became worse after last year’s experiences. I now understand, it was because of my own ‘darkness’.
    So, I can relate to this article – it’s lack of trust that one won’t be let down. Again. (RE: articles ‘Regrets’, ‘To Control Is To Cope’, ‘Don’t Fail Me’ & ‘Hiding From Yourself’).”

    Re-reading the article and my earlier comments – having done some more learning and understanding – especially within myself (how I think / feel) since November, I know I will maintain that ‘wall’ of protection around myself when I do leave my ‘sanctuary’. It is for my own protection. In my view, everyone has that ‘inner child’ that is vulnerable.

    1. A Victor says:

      What a great point Asp Emp, about everyone having an inner child that is vulnerable. I don’t know if all would agree, normals for example, but I know for sure I do and I think we just find ways to protect the child/ourselves, probably by either avoiding anyone getting near it (the wall or distracting away from it etc) or by appearing as an adult even when we don’t feel it (fake it till we make it). Not sure if that makes sense. But it’s been on my mind lately so it’s interesting that you brought it up. It’s nice to see our growth isn’t it?

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Thank you AV. Interesting in what you say about it. I think we allow ‘life’ and distractions to also get in the way of it – it’s probably all subconscious & ‘primal’ related (ie human survival). Certainly agree with you on ‘our growth’ yet it’s not a totally easy ‘journey’.

  2. Fieke says:

    Maybe there is a truth to it, talking about how as a child they didn’t love you as they should. They didn’t protect you as they should have. And now a part of ‘you’ / the narcissist is always stuck at a certain age where you feel entitled. Like you rightfully were as a small child. Although you are no more, but are unable to progress from that. But when I hear this speech , although this inner abused en neglected child receives my empathy and sympathy, my head starts to hurt, I feel nauseous and stressed.
    I have nothing to give to this adult child. I know it will never be enough it will never heal and it will come back and lashing out after I tried. The trigger, that I can help, is gone. I can’t. And with that, so did the narcissists. Not out of choice, but out of instinct I longing for someone to stay simple with, equal with, non materialistic with, more walk than talk, and suddenly I didn’t fear meeting a narcissist anymore. I feel the missing part. And it is chilly.

    1. A Victor says:

      Oh wow, that is a good point. As adults we must be adults, we cannot allow our past to allow us to accept bad behavior, from ourselves or others. The need for personal responsibility is very real. You are so right, love this comment.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        AV, reading your comment reminded me of a response to a comment on another thread. What they had to say made me think – there are aspects of the past that are never ‘shared’. It could be minor or, even major misdemeanours – like ‘convictions’ yet spent and “sorted”. A number of years ago, where I worked had an agreement to provide a space for ex-offenders to carry out community work. I worked with these people. They are people. They made (in the eyes of society & The Law) the ‘wrong’ decisions. They learn from it, they serve their ‘punishment’. These people are not children (aged 16 plus & even some as age around 50 years old). Maybe they (not all, granted) had narcissistic parents or lacked stability ie, from foster home to foster home etc. Lots of reasons why people go off the ‘rails’. Yet this particular group of people, I believe, these days get a form of counselling / training on life skills and so on – depending on their background etc – yet are not always given the choice to ‘opt out’ of such ‘impositions’ if you like. So, some things can stay in the past and do not need to be talked about, with anyone.

        Your words “As adults we must be adults” – no such “rules” like that are necessarily ‘applicable’ in my house 😉 So if I feel like being a ‘kid’ and going cray-cray inside my house (allowing the little kid out to play), then so be it. I do not need to wear a ‘facade’ within my own 4 walls, so I can be ‘me’ – any friends that have been invited to be with me in my house, can also be ‘themselves’. It’s liberating to be able to do this and stuff society.

        1. A Victor says:

          Lol Asp Emp, i didn’t mean we can’t be silly! I will never give that up! I just meant we can’t blame others for our choices, as adults. We can blame them for a crappy childhood, or a bad marriage etc, but we can’t hold them accountable for how we choose to live our lives, including choosing to stay with someone who abuses us, or to not stay with them. No, many things need never be discussed again once they’re dealt with, you are correct.

          My house is a fun zone too. Like today, we had a three hour piano time, my son and I, it was amazing! When the grandkids come over it does look a bit different!

      2. Fieke says:

        yes, I think that is what I mean. It is not about not cherishing your happy inner child, of course you can still be silly. 😉 7 months out now. But it wasn’t the first. Never before had access to all this information. Very grateful.

        1. A Victor says:

          7 months! Wow! That is a long time, nice!

          No, I will never lose my silly side but I hope to always grow in areas where I need it. You understood what I meant.

          Yes, this information is exceptional. Makes the struggle much easier.

  3. Denise says:

    Gosh, that was written so beautifully BUT I’ve been Narc-free for 4 years now and pulling on the heartstrings just ain’t gonna work anymore!! Nice try though 😆

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