Now I Have You



We rely on ensnaring our victims. Whether it is a stranger who we pass each day and smile at, knowing that they will return the smile, whether it is a friend who relies on being associated with us and who enjoys the benefits of being seen with us or whether it is the intimate partner who is installed as our primary source, we need to ensure that our fuelling appliances are attached to us, connected and secured so that we can rely on the fuel being pumped our way. We have our ways of determining whether an appliance has become ours, no matter what source the appliance belongs to.

These “shows” or “tells” are important to us for several reasons:-

We know that the appliance has become attached to us and therefore the fuel will continue to flow;

We are aware that our seduction of the appliance has worked. We seduce everybody that we target. There is the generally accepted definition of seduction that is applicable to the primary source, but our seduction also manifests against those who are secondary sources. When we seduce, we charm, win-over, beguile, attract and so forth and we do this to the friends, the colleagues and family members. Our seduction of a stranger may be as straight forward as smiling at them so they return the gesture, but it is a seduction nevertheless. Knowing that the seduction has succeeded is important.
Once we know we have you, then we can adjust our approach appropriately. This may mean maintaining a certain level of behaviour and thus conserving energy, thus we do not expend energy too greatly trying to charm you further when we have already succeeded. It may mean knowing that since you have been seduced and you are attached, we can turn our attention elsewhere.
We can broadcast the seduction to other people and know that we will not err in doing so. This broadcasting allows us to gain fuel both from those who admire our newly seduced appliance and those who are jealous of our latest conquest. Either way we receive fuel. Accordingly, the relationship bulletins can begin.

It will be the trigger for the discard of the malfunctioning current primary source. Once we know that the prospective replacement has been seduced and attached we can commence the discard.
Not only do we look for these shows and tells in order to confirm to us that the seduction has been achieved, we use them as way markers to confirm to us that we are heading in the correct direction during the seduction and it will not be too long before we have you completely in our grasp. These indicators are important. If we do not see them, we know that we must apply more effort, more charm, more seductive power in order to reel you in. In some instances, if they remain absent we may form the view that the seduction is floundering and we may be better served turning our attentions elsewhere, so we are not denied fuel and we do not use up our energy on a wasted prospect. It is unusual for this to happen, but it can and therefore we need to see these indicators that confirm to us that you are falling under our spell, that you are being seduced and soon you will be attached to us.

In the context of seducing an intimate partner as a primary source these indicators are at their most prevalent and of course, by reason of that person being a prospective primary source, they are the most important ones to look for. Whilst it is material to see certain signs which tell us that we are acquiring a new and loyal inner circle friend, it is the indicators which signal to us that the prospective primary source is heeding our overtures which matter the most.

So, what are these indicators? There are many and the ones detailed below are not an exhaustive list but some of the more common ones. Some of these indicators do happen in ‘normal’ relationships, but they still should be heeded because they demonstrate that you are falling for us, that our charms are working and this will give us the comfort and information that we need to adjust our plans and machinations accordingly.

If you realise that you are doing these things now, then you are telegraphing to somebody that you are submitting to their seduction. If the seduction was once in the past, you may well recognise some of these things as matters which you did or said. Moreover, you will now know that if you wish to lay down a false scent, if you will, and deny us the indicators, these are the things you must avoid in order to encourage us in our seduction of you.


Answering your ‘phone within one ring when we call you.
Answering text messages in less than thirty seconds when we message you.
Answering your ‘phone, whether call or message in the middle of the night.
Cancelling plans with other people so that you can see us.
Inconveniencing yourself to spend time with us, for instance, travelling across town just to spend 30 minutes with us in a lunch hour.
Calling us and not having anything really to say to us.
Asking to know what our movements are during the day.
Going to something or doing something even though we know you do not like it really, just to please us and/or be with us;
Dropping everything to come to us on the pretext of an emergency;
Agreeing with us when we tell you that friends, family, colleagues etc are jealous of you and I and you do not try to make excuses for them, but instead you express dismay for their attitudes.
Buying something so you have the similar item to us.
Asking for an item of our clothing with our scent on so you can have us close to you.
Allowing us to borrow something and not asking for it back even though we have kept it for longer than we said we would.
Lending us money and not asking for it back.
Preferring to stay in than go out with your friends in the hope that we will call you.
Turning up unexpectedly at a place where we are.
Making considerable changes in your appearance to impress us;
Making changes to your home in order to impress us;
Writing poems or love letters to us;
Offering to do chores for us even though we do not live together;
Wanting us to accompany you to events
Telling us you miss us even though it has only been an afternoon that we have been apart.

Whilst it is a fact that these indicators also happen in ‘normal’ relationships, it is the fact that so many of them occur and that they do so with undue haste which sends us the signal that we want to see. Some would not happen in any relationship and with others it is the speed and aggregate effect of them which provides us with the indication that we wish to see. Be mindful of whether you are doing these things because if you are and you recognise the red flags of the way we behave towards you, you are in effect issuing a “come and get me I am yours” to us, with all the consequences that flow from that.

17 thoughts on “Now I Have You

  1. doginheaven52 says:

    I have let him into my life again… I want touch. Saying this can me weep. I’m almost 70 and he is 70. I miss my husband terribly because he was so good at touch which was embedded in his charm and won me over at 32. I’m lonely since he left me. Heart attack. He was lying nude on the love sofa when I found him gasping the last few times. I threw him on the floor and jumped on his chest. Pounding a way, trying to put his pajamas on at the same time I was trying to jump start his heart … again. Pleading with him to not leave me. So use to having a man about, a honey pie to grab my ass and say “I’d like to fuck you about now.” My husband drove me crazy with his wondering, here and there. Obsessions he would have with other woman, he had big brass balls when trying to explain it to me, his need for attention from women and .. men. He was a story teller and he did it with drums. They could sound like his heart in the summertime. Now I have this old man in my life who is exactly like him but exactly different. Except he says the familiar, “I want to fuck you.” He lets me forgive my body for aging. Lot’s of things in the body, never age, they just become better except your heart, still breaks hard.

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Dear doginheaven52, so sorry to hear of your loss – you clearly loved your guy. Through my own life experiences, I’d say “Life is too short and go and enjoy yourself”. Only you can decide for yourself which direction to take.

      1. doginheaven52 says:

        Thank you greatly for your response. I did love him immensely. As I head into my 70s and a new go around after 30 years of marriage, maybe it will be like the Stephen Hawking quote, “Not only does God play dice, but… he sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen.” This is what seems to be at hand now. it really isn’t all that uncomfortable because of the spell of anticipation and illusion. I know what kind of pain awaits his patterns following intimacy. Thanks to Mr. Tudor’s commitment to his immense YouTube library, books, writings, blogs, students, etc., I may better be able to predict the outcomes, cope with emotional thinking so I don’t wind up a ball on the floor. The wheels are at least turning. And I’m so, so grateful to talk with people like you who understand this language. That is the hope at the end of the tunnel. I believe I will again jump into the throes with this old narcissist’s friend. Maybe there is some dice hidden there, “eh”? Maybe not…yes, yes life is too short!

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Thank you for your response. You do seem to have obtained enough knowledge to understand what it is all about (by reading HG’s work / his blog / The Ultra Channel). At least you have obtained the information before embarking on a new life direction – whichever way you decide to take it. Maybe it’s a chance rather than to live with ‘what if’s’? All the best to you, doginheaven 🙂

          1. Pamela Gardner says:

            It is a chance, I know. Even with weekend planned I’m not holding my breath as canceling at last moment is part of the package. I appreciate your response/kindness. Hopefully going in with eyes wide open may temper the experience for whatever best it can bring… or not. I have to go on with my life as I am beginning to love it as well and the horizon isn’t as broad as it use to be. Realizing lately that this love of life is becoming brighter every day. Maybe brighter then the self-destructive, self -absorbing needs found in this type of connection. I regret I have my own type of narcissism to contend with as well. Very wonderful time talking with you. All the best as well, Asp, Esp :*)

    2. A Victor says:

      doginheaven52, your comment touched my heart. I can so relate to missing a man. Thank you for your honest and moving words.

      1. doginheaven52 says:

        Thank you for your response. It has taken me three years just to begin to know who I am after a life time of being for other people, animals and global community. Really so appreciate your comment to me.

        1. A Victor says:

          Ah, we are on similar journeys. I have been learning just recently who I am, about my sense of self, also. It is wondrous, I am loving it! Being here has helped immensely and taking it into my real life is awesome! I have a confidence I had not had since the naive confidence of youth. You are most welcome for the response. I hope to see you around. 🙂

          1. Pamela Gardner says:

            It is wonderful to share the path with someone who knows their being and reality. Plus to be able to celebrate this in a new phase of living is indeed wondrous. I’m right there with you with confidence. Much better living on my feet and not my knees instead of dying on my knees and not living on my feet. I am too hoping to see you around! 🙂

  2. LG says:

    I am concerned that the N who ensnared me last year might be having a fuel crisis. I am not giving him any fuel, I am in semi no contact (he is blocked and i will not reach out nor will i communicate with him) but I know some of what’s going on with him because I’m being told. I have not told anyone that he is a narcissist because I do not want to hurt him. I wish there was a way that I could give him fuel without endangering myself, so that he is OK. I don’t want him to implode upon himself. He’s really having a lot of trouble. I know this is emotional thinking on my part, right? I should not care about him, right?

    1. LG says:

      N’s sister called me again, N has a new girlfriend who is head over heels, so that’s good him, but I feel just terrible for her (whoever she is.) I tried to get N’s sister to promise me to warn her to get out before he gets moody (that’s what sister calls it, “moody”) but she won’t agree. I think she’s intimidated by him. So i think now i should not take sister’s calls anymore. Because as long as she’s calling me, that’s a connection to N and then i think about him. I have to GOSO and do complete total no contact. I will read Exorcism and do what HG recommends. And i will listen to the 3 Addiction recordings and The Final Battle. I probably have to stop praying for him, too, right? This is just so hard.

      1. Violetta says:

        I don’t know if HG would endorse this, but if you can’t shake that lifelong sense of obligation to pray for people, even and especially those that hurt you (I can’t either), at least don’t pray for him by name. There’s a Catholic prayer for “especially those most in need of thy mercy,” so some variant or paraphrase of that suited to whatever your faith is will allow you to pray generally: after all, the homeless addict ​down the block might be especially in need of God’s mercy, probably more than Narc-butt.

        Reddington on The Blacklist told someone mourning a death (rather than a relationship) that it might be the first thought on waking up,but one day it will be the second thought. One day you’ll notice that maybe you haven’t forgotten Narc-butt, but your first thought is of your friend having a difficult pregnancy or the folks with no power in Texas, rather than him.

        (Ignore all of the above if HG says it’s a bad idea. I’m just trying to find a workaround for those of us wired to pray. Hey, you can also make sure your first thought is to thank God for Narcsite, even though HG doesn’t believe in him.)

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There is a risk that the narcissist will enter and remain in your thoughts in doing this which is a breach of no contact. However, if you are able to pray in this manner without being reminded of the narcissist and it addresses your need for prayer, then that is not a problem.

    2. HG Tudor says:

      Yes it is emotional thinking corrupting your empathic trait of compassion.

  3. Dolores Nugent says:

    My son does all of this with the woman, and more. Its like he’s under a spell. His siblings believe she holds something over him and they don’t believe the 2 youngest children are his. The farther I get away from the emotional the healthier I can see. I will keep all the documentation and wait like you suggested. With all the behavior work that I have done, I have never seen anything like her or him for that matter.

  4. mollyb5 says:

    HG I’ve been accused of being too nice ….but I see the Narc do the same. I suppose just the different intentions ( internally) is the difference

  5. mollyb5 says:

    HG , laughing with you when a joke was not really very funny. Nervous laugh , maybe. Or trying to go along with a criticism of someone else without knowing them ..being agreeable automatically to be nice .

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