The Ties That Bind



One of our central aims when we have targeted you is to bind you to us. During our seduction we create this magical place and invite you and only you to inhabit it with us. We build a fantastic place and place you on a pedestal in the centre of this artifice. It is very difficult for you to realise this is a fallacy and even harder to do something about it.

Every day, every hour that you remain close to our influence allows us to create more ties, more connections and increase the extent that you are bound to us. We make you feel fabulous, worshipped and loved. The dizzying, whirlwind nature of our passion is unlike anything else you have known and you readily accept it. It is of course not informed consent.

You have no idea what we are, but nevertheless you accept all of this wonderful treatment. You allow us to permeate every aspect of your life. We draw you into ours and make you feel special and privileged for being allowed to do so. Consider how we penetrated your every network so everywhere you turned we were there.

We knew all your friends, we ingratiated ourselves with your family and got to meet your colleagues. We knew all the places you liked to go to and introduced you to some additional ones. We made sure we knew every favourite thing of yours, from books to plays to food. Your wine rack became stocked with the types of wine you preferred, your wear the jewellery that was bought for you after careful solicitation of what you deem pretty and I occasionally arrive bearing a new book from the stable of authors that you enjoy to read.

Bit by bit I invade your life and as our relationship progresses at light speed, the gradual, creeping advance of my influence has actually gained more than a toehold. It has spread across your territory like some formidable weed that cannot be held back, covering and smothering. My clothes hang in the wardrobe, I have my favourite chair at your house, you now buy the cereal that I prefer to eat in the morning even though you think it is just a mouthful of sugar.

You now wash my socks, my songs populate the iTunes playlist and the bathroom is testament to my occupation with the bottles, razors and accoutrements mingled amongst yours. You cannot fail to see my influence all around you, but you welcome this and from it you gain a great happiness. From dating, to staying over, to co-habiting and on to marriage, this inexorable march of sudden and frantic seduction, although this is only ever apparent with hindsight as at the time it was the right thing to do, results in our lives entwining as I wrap my tendrils around your life and drag you tight against me. So many links, connections, lines and ties between you and I.

These ties keep you in place despite the abuse that is to come. It is sudden and bewildering but you will not give up easily. Not only did you say those vows, you meant every word and we know this.

You will not let what we have built up crumble to dust. Admirable as your fortitude may be, you may as well stand on a beach and command the tide to halt its own unceasing advance for all the good you will do. This will not stop you trying though. We know this. The ties are many and they are tight so you will not run for cover at the first administration of a silent treatment. You will not down tools and walk away when the shouting continues long into the night. You do not pack a bag and leave it in the hallway, sitting on the stairs as you wait for us to return, late at night, from whatever tryst we have been engaged in.

You keep going, bound to the hope that everything will be good once more, that the golden period will return. You hang in there, you battle, you demonstrate misguided resolve as we lash out time and time again, drawing the negative fuel from your distress, dismay and disarray. You will not let go. The connections are too many. Our behaviour is reprehensible as we open up front after front after front against you, leaving you confused and crushed. We twist, blame, push and pull yet you will not waiver. No matter how many times we knock you to the floor you keep coming back for more, dragged back onto your feet by the ties that bind you to us.

Then one day you remove yourself from our toxic influence or in some instances you are removed. Those ties remain but there is an elasticity which allows you to escape us. To be taken away from the acidic words and viscious schemes. The insults, the violent rages, the isolation and the denigration may have been halted. You may no longer be subjected to being spat at, your hair pulled, your money withheld, your social interactions curtailed and your self-esteem trampled underfoot. You may have escaped the daily devaluations which came at you in so many different and unedifying ways but your ordeal is far from over.

You may not have our furious face shouting into yours anymore. You may not be sat cowering behind a locked bathroom door as we pound on it demanding you come out. You may not lie crying in a bed made to feel empty by our absence. You may not stand outside the study seeing the glow of the monitor within, under the door and wonder who we are engaging with online, that knotted sensation in your stomach inducing sickness. You may have escaped many of these manipulations but the ties that bind remain.

The bond we have created with you is so strong, so deep and so far-reaching that every day you will feel a vast void at being parted from us. You will excuse the abuse as you hanker for those golden days. You will feel like something has been ripped from you by our absence.

Even though you know how terrible we have acted towards you, you will still suffer that sense of illogical loss. Every day feels empty. You wonder what we are doing, who we are with and whether we are thinking about you. You see our presence all around you still, people still ask about us, you collapse on to your bed burying your face in that t-shirt we kept under our pillow and you still smell us on it.

You drink deep of the scent, hoping the nagging pain will recede, that somehow you will be magically restored to where we once both were, when we were happy. Your run your fingers over the tub of hair wax which we left and you remember watching us as we carefully applied it. You cannot bring yourself to discard it, clinging on to these reminders of the joy that once abounded in these walls. You pass the bookcase, touching the spines of the volumes we bought for you, the words and letters all further reminders of our presence here in this house. You miss us you miss us so much, you shouldn’t do, not after what we have done.

Not after the vile treatments you have suffered. It makes no sense that you should feel this way but you do. You ache for us, the ties that remain are still being pulled and yanked, even though we are not there with you. The searing pain rises as another reminder appears, the tie still strong. Unlike an umbilical cord which provides life, your cord to us continues to pain you. When will this end? When will this agony recede and be replaced by something else? Would it now not even be better to feel nothing? To be numbed and anaesthetised so you do not have to endure this ongoing pain.

The bond we create with you is so powerful, so deep and so long lasting that it is often the aftermath of the ties that bind that hurts more than the abuse itself. That is how dangerous we are.

18 thoughts on “The Ties That Bind

  1. Pingback: Båndene som binder - Psykopatene blant oss
  2. mollyb5 says:

    HG what if one stops introducing the narc to her friends ? Will he just make fun of the person who seemingly doesn’t have friends anymore ? What if an empath learned to keep her friends private? Would the narc just get bored and hang around anyway, Just getting his fuel elsewhere. Since he truely my needs this primary source and really can’t attract another because of low energy and low desire ?

  3. A Victor says:

    The aftermath hurts more than the abuse itself. I am discovering that this is a lot of the reason I have chosen to remain alone for over 10 years. It was so insidious that I did not realize this was the reason but rather thought it was some other things. I had not realized how fearful of relationships I was coming out of that marriage.

  4. Colliegirl says:

    Is it typical for narcissist’s IPPS to create their own world separated from narcissist after some time of devaluation? I found out that many narcissist’s partners at first are totally focused on narcissist, dancing in golden period, forgetting about the whole world outside the relationship. But then after months or a few years they focus more on a child or even a pet if they dont have children together.

    From the outside it looks like a kind of escape – narcissist’s victim and the child or a dog form very close union outside the narcissist’s orbit. Its not against the narcissist, not directly but a little bit outside. They stay with the narcissist but I dont know, maybe because of lonelyness look for attention and validation elsewhere. Difficult to explain. Dont know if anyone have similar observation so I thought I would ask.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, that can happen although it is not that common because of course the narcissist will have something to say about such behaviour.

    2. Jasmin says:

      Very interesting! I’ve created my own World. Not only as IPPS but also as a child. But I escaped into daydreaming.

      1. A Victor says:

        Jasmin, wow, great observation. I did that also. Still do on occasion. Interesting indeed. I wonder if it’s a common empath thing.

        1. Jasmin says:

          No idea actually! But I doubt that the narcissists engage in daydreaming? They seems to be constantly occupying themselves.

          1. A Victor says:

            Yes, they do stay busy, with how to obtain fuel and keep control!

    3. A Victor says:

      Hi Colliegirl, I think I understand your comment as I did this and have even mentioned it here before. My kids and I lived a full and happy life together that my ex knew nothing about, he didn’t ask what we did, when he came home, my focus changed, to him, and the atmosphere changed, became more serious. Since he was gone more than he was there and he didn’t care what we did, it just turned out that way. It wasn’t the result of needing an escape, though it gave me one, nor of needing validation or due to loneliness, but that they were my job in the partnership at that time and I took it very seriously. They were also way more fun than he was and I appreciate fun a lot. Not sure if that’s what you’re wondering bye that was my experience.

      1. Jasmin says:

        I lived the same situation and it hade me thinking that I could not have been an important appliance with regard to fuel?
        Not saying that I didn’t provide any, of course I did, but with regard to how little time he spent with me the last years it couldn’t have been those high levels that are normally the case of the MRN and the IPPS.
        I was ‘the wife’ – looking after the children, cleaning and cooking. 🤷‍♀️

    4. Leigh says:

      You just described my life. My children and I have a whole separate life outside of my husband. He really spends very little time with us. Which, by the way, I’m completely ok with.

  5. WiserNow says:


    Is the photo for this post supposed to be a visual lesson to demonstrate that male narcissists are both misogynists as well as tone deaf?

    If so, it’s working.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, it is aimed at winding you up.

      1. WiserNow says:

        Ha! Well, you’ll be pleased to know you don’t have to ‘wind me up’ to read your posts . . . 😉

  6. Rachelle says:

    HG, this one hit me hard. It’s been 3 years since he disappeared. And then a month ago I literally almost ran him over cuz he crossed the street as I was coming around the corner. I didn’t realize till I had passed that it was even him. And now….. all the healing I thought I had done is gone. I’m back in my emotional thinking.

    1. Jasmin says:

      I’ve been there as well. It’s like fireworks going of in your head and there after all the good memories flows like a river. You must not allow yourself to think about him. You must jettison these thoughts!

    2. alexissmith2016 says:

      Rachelle, It can come back with quite a thud. But, what I would say, is whilst it can sent your ET rocketing, it also does not last as long. You will get your ET under control far more readily than before. Super huge hugs to you xxx

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