Searching
You spend your time searching. Searching for the one who will fulfil that desire of complete happiness, the one who will be your match, the one who accords with being the soulmate, the one who completes you, the ying to your yang, the one who makes everything alright again. The one who will wipe away those tears of sadness and bring to you the tears of joy and elation. The one who will always be there, come hell or high water.
The one who creates that world that you have always craved. The one who chases away the shadows and keeps the wolf from the door. The one who loves you for what you are and does not seek to change you. You search for the one who wants to be with you but will not complain when there is enforced absence. The one who never forgets the important milestones in your lives but never remembers the times when matters do not quite go to plan.
The one who will ensure your memories live on in the raising of others. The one who will not turn from you but will lift you up and rely on you also. The one who will take your hand and hold it tight no matter what storms come your way. The one who wakes with you and smiles that special smile. The one who lays their lips against yours as the day ends and night engulfs the land.
The one who knows you inside out and cherishes everything you have to offer the world. The one who understands you and wants to understand you. The one who embraces your flaws and imperfections and does not use them against you. The one who looks into your eyes and desires what they see there. The one who will not judge you, will not hold your errors against you but who will hold you as the world may collapse around you and the one who will say your name with their dying breath.
You spend your time searching for a sign. An indicator that will give you the answers. Something on which you can hang hope, that imposter, in order to solve the mystery that you are now faced with. Something that will enable you to unravel the puzzle that has emerged every day and has your mind twisted, thoughts stretched and contorted. You are searching for the truth, your slavish devotion to such a concept is honourable indeed and you must find that truth and hold it high for all to see.
You must locate it and raise it up above to ensure that everybody knows of it. You must find the solution, you must identify the panacea that shall cure all these ills, for you are a fixer, a solver, a healer. You search and search for explanation, enlightenment and elucidation. You are hunting high and low for the reason to something which seems unfathomable. Your search will lead you into dead ends, frustrating cul-de-sacs and along treacherous and perilous routes where your bewilderment is only heightened.
Your search for clarity amongst the confusion appears to be never-ending. You may be blessed with an indefatigable spirit which enables you to carry way beyond the endurance of others as this search continues. There are clues, but they dance away from you like an elusive will o the wisp, leaving you blundering after it, as you are led further into the quagmire of disturbing befuddlement.
You search for the antidote to the pain that engulfs you each and every day. Some salve to soothe your fevered brow, a medicine that will numb the pain and bring the cure. You search for an end to the hurt. An end to the misery that sweeps about you, its chains heavy and rusting, making you stoop and cutting you to the core. Dragging you down with its hatred, the horror and the malevolence so you fall to your knees.
You crawl across the barren land, hands pricked from the thorns that grow across your path as wearied and beaten down you drive yourself on searching for a way out. You sob with frustration as your draining journey reveals that you have gone around in a circle and you stare with disbelieving eyes at your own handprints in the dust, realisation crashing into you that your endeavours have all been for naught.
You search for the Holy Grail that will grant you release from this torture, the answer to every question which gnaws at your terrified mind, the oil that will calm the troubled waters allowing your passage across the emotional sea to become easier allowing you to reach the promised land. You search for the key which will unlock the huge gate that looms over you, the opening of the portal that will enable you to escape this horror which surrounds you and has become woven into the tapestry of your every day. You search and search, fooled by the charlatans that offer respite only to whisk it away at the last moment, wrenching it from your grasp.
You search and search for a way out of the nightmare, idiots and clowns suggesting they have the route mapped out for you, but they know little or nothing, well-intentioned or otherwise they are not the ones who will be able to end your search. You search and search for the final destination that will finally grant you release. There are options which may bring this horror show to an end, the dropping of the final curtain but whilst you contemplate that, deep within you there is that will to overcome what torments you and to avoid failing and seeking that alternative exit. That way is not for you.
You must conclude your search. You must achieve it and as that truth seeker your search continues.
You wish to reach the end and it is an end which gives you the absolute truth, the clearest of answers which thus enables you to seize the power to create that which serves your needs once again.
The answers that will sweep aside the darkness and enable you to step into the light once more, a champion of perseverance and a titan of determination.
So, day after day after day, you search.
Your search ends here.
The Holy Grail teaches you deliverance over ruin.
24 thoughts on “Searching”
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Yes this is a pretty accurate description of my existence up until this point. Always searching… for the answer, understanding, the way to be vindicated in the struggle, the knight in shining armour to come and rescue me.
As empaths, I think that we have a tendency to feel our way through our lives. It doesn’t matter how many times loved ones warn us, or how many opportunities we shun to make an escape before ensnarement becomes torment… we have to feel it to understand it. Then by the time we do feel it, we are in devaluation and our addiction and Emotional Thinking keeps us trapped; walking in circles, clawing at the dust, “fooled by the charlatans that offer respite only to whisk it away at the last moment, wrenching it from your grasp”.
No one is coming to rescue me. I have it within myself to do what needs to be done.
Get up off the ground, bruised and bloodied, but not defeated. Brush myself off, turn in the other direction, and walk away. On my own two legs, until I cannot hear the darkness crooning to me anymore.
You know, it is such a shame that your kind, hurt my kind. If they didn’t, it would be a beautiful pairing.
Would you agree HG?
Thank you HG.
DB
How well you are able to don the shoes of others. In an almost poetic manor, you resonate with your audience. Startling and vivid. A true accomplishment when one considers this is done from a cognitive prospective only.
In stark contrast, my ex, despite his brilliant intelligence – had a decided deficit in seeing through the eyes of another. The churning cogs of my mind are now whirling around the possibility that this glaring deficiency may be universal in the narcissist? Not an ultra of course.
For if so – then would this be a way of threshing the chaff from the wheat? At the very least one would also get a glimpse at their ideologies and outlook, at a juncture when even amongst normals, they will seek to show their best side. How one relates – reveals so much about yourself – do you not think? Thought provoking.
This article is very well written, the word ‘narcissism’ does not appear, yet, HG’s words explains the whole ‘quagmire’ of what it is like under the influence of narcissism – especially in ‘close proximate’ relationships (family / intimate).
Whilst under this ‘influence’ of narcissism in others, similar thought / emotional patterns can exist in a work environment, more specifically if you are working those who have narcissism and have narcissist boss(es). Those with narcissism, in their ‘perception’ and because of their being unaware of their narcissism, always make out that you are the problem (or the one with the problem). Or there are those narcissist bosses that may be able to ‘sense’ the empaths, yet cannot explain why they may (sometimes) ‘sense’ that the empath is the one to ‘fear’ (in the perception of the ‘unaware’ narcissist).
Someone who is only starting on their journey of learning about narcissism may not necessarily fully understand HG’s words in this article, simply because of the Emotional and Logical Thinking being out of ‘sync’.
Yet, here, HG has described exactly how it is.
The narcissist boss:
Identified that I am an excellent source of Empath Fuel
Used me to further his agenda within the organization – I was painted White
Unleashed his fury when my fuel became less fragrant – I was painted Black
Found a new scapegoat that diverted his attention for a time – I was painted White and given an extended respite period.
Unleashed his fury again when I got pregnant. The silent treatment was the most obvious.
Smeared me while I was on maternity leave
Realized he couldn’t keep me out of my position after my maternity leave (though he tried for a year) and gave me another brief respite period during which he tried to convince me to drop my grievance in exchange for some weird Magical Thinking plan he had.
Put me on the shelf when I got pregnant again
Got fired two days after I went on my second maternity leave
Better the devil you know…
The reason he was in his position for as long as he was, is that the organization is essentially an aware narcissist. Their HR practices, PR manipulations, and permissive abuse tactics ensure that the narcissists are promoted and retained. They are allowed to dole out their abuses as they see fit, and this essentially “weeds out the weak”. Those who leave do so because they see how toxic the organization is, or they burn out and collapse. Those of us who stay are the ones that provide the best fuel both for the middle management unaware narcissist, and the organization as a whole. We make them look good and are painted white. If we challenge the organization, we are painted black, and all the fury descends upon us; either meted out by the narcissist bosses, or by other narcissists in the organization that are not bosses, but colleagues whose abusive behaviour is permitted, enabled, and even encouraged.
…well now I know.
Sucks cause I love my job, and many of the people that I work with.
Hi MelMel, thank you for your interesting response….. it explains a different aspect (your experiences) about narcissist bosses at work. As the majority of narcissists are unaware of what they are (as individuals, never mind the other narcissists around them…….. laughing), I think they actually ‘sense’ via their instincts so it appears they do know what they are and it appears that they are ‘ganging’ up on ‘victims’.
One higher up b**ch dared to say to me “I feel you are attacking the organisation” – oh, was I, bollocks. I actually stated that one particular area of their business structure was weak because of the lack of procedures and effectively leaving too much ‘grey’ and not enough black & white (in written format). She was responsible for overseeing the policies & procedures. If she had said “me” instead of “organisation” – she would have been making it ‘personal’ (indirectly, she was anyway!). I was right to criticise. I was right to point it out. Because I was referring to the areas in relation to volunteers……
It was all about manipulation & control over different people who were volunteers – alas, the organisation lost them all due to poor treatment & lack of recognition of the work they did, etc. More effective & efficient procedures would have prevented such a loss……. (brushing my shoulders off, with a I Do Not Give A Fk).
Hi Asp Emp,
Your example above is interesting too. In my current struggle against the Greater Narcissist organization, there are MANY policies and procedures – everything in black and white (interestingly as an aside, there is a policy that snuck through the unions at some point that says that Employees have the obligation of Loyalty to the Employer, and can be disciplined or dismissed if we speak out against them publicly… so now with Covid they are getting away with murder literally and there’s nothing anyone who wants to keep their job can do about it).
There are policies that they have had to make in order to comply with federal and provincial legislation to protect Employees from violence, harassment, and bullying (narcissistic abuse) at work… Unfortunately, even with the policy in black and white, they try every trick in the book to work around, dismiss, push under the rug, and enable the very behaviours the policy speaks against. This protects the abuser and creates a dangerous situation for the victim who then either needs to suck it up and go back to work, or risk losing their job through beaurocratic procedures that block all efforts to make the workplace safe for the victim to return to.
Almost better in your situation that the narcissist refused to take responsibility and do her job, which left a glaring weakness in your business structure that deterred innocent volunteers from staying with the organization. They, at least, got out. Obviously you weren’t attacking the “organization”; the correct policy may have protected the organization against her lack of accountability.
My narcissistic boss was always at odds with the organization (classic Narc on Narc), which eventually led to his demise as they found something to go after him for, which was absurd and not at all a valid reason for dismissal. I am residual collateral damage from that conflict, and as such have been painted black and under attack on multiple fronts since he has been gone. I had hoped that his absence in the workplace would offer me some peace, but I was sorely mistaken. With him gone, they are free to work their evil machinations on me with the full extent of their inexhaustible resources. I think they are going to take it all the way to court.
Am I wrong to stay and see how this plays out? To see if I can keep my head on my neck and not have to slink away utterly beaten and broken? To get out on my own terms? This is probably Emotional Thinking at its finest.
Hello MelMel, RE: volunteers – 5 new ones all left on the same day because the “process” of recruitment & induction was taking too long – sounds about right – as I had my “induction” 2 years after I started….. fkg useless as I had already learned what was what by then.
You saying that you think it will end up in court and then asking if you should stay and see how it ‘plays out’ – have you obtained HG’s ‘Assistance Package – How To Deal With A Narcissist At Work’? – if not, maybe consider a consult with HG if you haven’t already in relation to this matter – he is the best one to answer your queries & advise accordingly.
Having said that, some knowledge about The Law & where workplace is concerned is always useful – usually in relation to ‘Equality’ and possibly ‘Human Rights’ (that is UK Law).
The Law is there for a reason (protection for people against people, or systems, or politics, etc) – not for narcissists to use & abuse, yet they will.
Only you can decide but you need to protect yourself – financially as well as mentally / emotionally. Take the ’emotions’ out and apply logical thinking. Sounds like you’ll never be painted’ white’ in any case.
Asp Emp,
I had an entire other reply almost written then I got distracted by one of HG’s new YouTube videos and accidentally deleted. Probably for the best; it was quite long winded and rambling.
I am already utilizing some of HG’s Knowledge Vault material and consults. A little bit at a time. I have some questions I want to ask HG about the N at Work assistance package, but I think he has quite a lot on his plate at the moment with more pressing issues than answering my tedious questions… I think I’m going to do a consult about the work issue once I have the TD done… I am going to become a weaponized empath because I’m done with this chicken poop in my chicken coop.
When I ask these questions, it’s less about getting the right answer from someone else, and more about clarifying the problem and motivating me to find the answer once it’s written in black and white. I do appreciate all the advice given and received on this blog… I think it has been so useful to find like-minded individuals who have/are going through similar toxic situations and who are maybe further along in the process of becoming weaponized, or have a slightly different take on things that can help me change my inner dialogue in order to handle my situation in a way that is not necessarily intuitive to me. I love HG’s explanation of the different schools of both Empath and Narcissist, and that the dynamic is different depending on what schools/cadres you’re dealing with… This means that many of you have intuitive strengths that I do not possess or do not possess yet.
Well that’s still long-winded and rambling even the second time I typed it out. Thanks for your excellent thoughts and advice :). It’s always reassuring to hear these as I truck along on this winding path through the dark and hostile landscape.
Thank you for giving us the truth.
Thank goodness we’re back on! I’m having issues logging in on my desktop, but flagging this since I had some thoughts during HG’s hiatus that I wanted to share with you. More very soon.
I can’t wait BC30! Thank you, encouraging!
AV,
There are things we cannot find here, despite all the kind souls we’ve encountered. I am grateful for the support and looking back at my comments and the comments of long-time posters, I can see how patient they were and how far I’ve come. Many of the articles are romanticized and written from a distinct perspective, so I think once we shift focus to ourselves, we are compelled to seek other resources.
My progress in healing was not found here. It was found, crying on real, warm shoulders, hugs, having others rid my place of all the belongings and taking control of my phone and accounts, sitting in the park in the sunshine, reframing my thoughts about places with memories attached (CBT), smashing and destroying stuff, journaling, making concerted efforts to reclaim music that I love, countless podcasts about self-actualization, diet and exercise (OMG I looked terrible from the stress of the relationship), therapy (for about 6 months), sex adventures (my new boy toy is 12 years younger 🙊), baking and cooking, and literally standing in the rain and let it wash away the sins.
I’m forever grateful to have found HG, and to be honest, I love him. Not romantically of course, but for throwing out a life raft when I needed it. His motives are irrelevant to me. The fact is, it was here that I was saved—but it is not where I was healed. 💖
Wow, BC30, I really appreciate what you have written here. There is so much to take from it and much that others can use for the own healing purposes. .
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head when it comes to progress. And in some ways I find that hard to say. Because there’s an element of moving out of our comfort zone and moving on which challenges me. It’s like finding a safe space and not wanting to move out of that. I know I’ve definitely cocooned myself since arriving here and ending my last relationship. The life raft or lifeline analogy is a good one. It is provided to get us from one side of the emotional sea to the other. And the emotional sea is where I found myself when I arrived here. Everyone’s journey will be different, but getting in touch with real life again is a must. Just not always easy to do unless you have those people around you and have begun to develop the trust you need to do that again. I’m glad you are on a trajectory that’s leading you into a better future.
I remember in a previous role I had we had a narcissistic CEO who enjoyed making people miserable through all the various manipulations narcissists utilize. All about power and control. She could gift it as she saw fit. Anyway, there was one employee who I got along with particularly well. There came a time where he ended up on sick leave. I missed him while he was gone and eventually the days turned into weeks. I was very concerned about him, but we got the occasional update to indicate he would just be off a little longer. Finally came the dreaded day, for me, where word was given that he wasn’t to return. I took that really hard. There was no explanation, but the CEO sent round a notice referring to “the seasons”. You know, “for everything there is a season”, etc. The wisdom of the ages was just a platitude coming from her mouth. I knew she was the reason he was gone. And it’s one of those sayings the irks me and which I rail against. The fact she used it to explain his permanent absence was sickening to me. Pushing him out the door then plying the “seasons” narrative to his departure.
I don’t why I told that story except maybe as a recognition that there are those seasons, and there is a beautiful sincerity in your words which was totally lacking in hers. We need to utilize the seasons which are part of our lives and while I am in the midst of them I hate to imagine moving on from them. Even painful experiences can be difficult to move on from in that sense. There’s an element of letting go which I always find hard, even though I know it will be to my benefit.
I believe you do love HG, and as much as he is unable to experience that, the love and appreciation is real. Well, maybe he can appreciate the appreciation 🙂 But I think many of us feel the same and I’m glad you have given expression to that as well. It is what we do that counts in the end. And your sharing here has been very helpful to me <3 xox
LET, We are all on our own timelines and where we need to be, but I am glad to hear that you are also progressing along. Something I often said to myself is, “Let go or be dragged.” I’ve also applied that mantra to other parts of my life. I think “getting in touch with real life” is key, it does take time and a bit of courage. In the meantime, we are here for support and I know, we want the best for one another. 💕
(BTW her use of that saying makes no sense in that context, but I see how a narcissist wouldn’t understand it.)
BC30, haha to “let go or be dragged” … another great visual.
Most of us have probably clung on through the dragging stage and got badly hurt because of it, so letting go is a must when we realize that.
(He was a popular guy and she had to make some attempt at empathy, apparently).
BC30, I am so thankful to read your comment. It is very interesting that quite recently, the last couple of weeks or so, I have been coming to some similar realizations.
For one thing, I need to live, not live on a blog, even though it is easy when there is a quiet day at work, where I’m in front of my computer, and my boss is happy as long as the work gets done. Also, there seems quite a turnover on the blog, save a loyal few, though I suppose many may look in but no longer comment as much. At first I didn’t understand the turnover, but lately I have been understanding it more. And much as I love being here and the interactions I’ve had, I want a real person to love and I won’t find that if I am here all the time!
I spent a few hours(!!) two days ago going back to the beginning of my time here, from mid Nov or so. It was most enlightening! Many, many kind, patient and informative replies to my newness and neediness for sure. Also, I have come a long way and learned a lot!! I was so excited by this! I know there is still more but, especially with Covid restrictions lightening, I have been getting out and about more and it’s been really good. I’m much less afraid than I used to be, about engaging with people, I’ve learned that I’m really okay and that people like me, not for nefarious reasons, most of the time, but just because they’re kind, good people.
There are gaps and I have taken a few steps toward filling some of those gaps recently, like looking at narcissism from a more scientific standpoint or studying how my new knowledge fits in with my personal value system, for example.
I believe you are correct, we have an opportunity to acquire tools here, as HG has said. From there we are given a safe place to start on a path toward potential health. But for ongoing progress, healing, we need to move beyond and bring our tools with us into our new understanding, forming something of a new worldview even, moving back out into the light, so to speak. We need to take the new knowledge we have and engage in real life, realizing lately that this is coming at some point, and that I am actually looking forward to it, is exciting now!! I would not have expected this a couple of months ago.
Your goals, getting rid of things, getting back in shape, crying with real people instead of at my desk, ensuring my NC regimen is strong, are all excellent things that I have actually begun to think about also! I ran a mile, haha, not far but a start, two days ago!! My son is very encouraging of it and walked next to me, haha! He is 6′, I am 5’3″, that explains that, and it was super fun! I bought an Insta-pot yesterday! Can’t wait to get some healthy food going in it. And, I have stood, and walked, in the rain this spring, it is most refreshing and cleansing. I love rain.
As to the boy toy…that has been recommended to me before…where does one find one?? Lol!! Happy for you!
I understand, I am behind you in the journey but moving forward. I also don’t concern myself with HG’s motives, he has only been helpful, unrivaled insight certainly. Thank you for your comment, it is encouraging to me, very much so. It’s like a light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel but that light is closer than it’s ever before been. Also, I hope you’re not leaving, you’re one of my besties here! You’ve helped me forgive “the other woman (women in my case!!)” in a very real way. I can never thank you enough for that! Thank you BC30.
“realizing lately that this is coming at some point, and that I am actually looking forward to it, is exciting now!! <<< Isn't it?! 😃 It sounds like you are well on your way, spending fun, quality time with your son doing something that strengthens your relationship and experimenting with an Insta-pot. I've been eyeing them, but in my frenzy to break free I purchased a small storefront-worth of Le Creuset that I am determined to use daily. I'm grateful and thankful for you to have an open heart toward the "other woman" we are very broken–at least I was, and I was too selfish to think about others. But no longer! It is something I will never do (or mistakenly feel I "need" to feel better.) 💖
Hahaha I found him online, but was very selective this instance. 🤨 🧐
Hahaha, those two things were not related in my mind!! Not that way at least! Thank you!
BC30, your comment came up in pieces before, hence my previous reply, it only included the first and last sentence. The insta-pot is a last resort, the kitchen is upstairs where a narcissist lives, and she claimed it immediately. So, I’ve been making do. I can’t wait to get my kitchen stuff out someday and get back to normal, in that regard.
We are all very broken, it is just that we are able to heal and become better people. <3
BC30 this is lovely and very well articulated. Thank you for sharing.
BC30, I’m so happy for you. You definitely sound different from when you first arrived. Much more positive and upbeat. You’ve had your own “Eat, Pray, Love”. You even have your very own Javier Bardem. I agree that this is just a stepping stone in the healing process. This blog can only offer so much. Mr. Tudor provides us with the knowledge but its up to us to use that knowledge. In another post you had said to me that Mr. Tudor says grey rock doesn’t work. I agree, it doesn’t work. What I do with my husband isn’t grey rock. I still react. I’m still loud, animated and a bully. I just react less and now I understand why its happening. I also realize that its a lose-lose situation for me. If I react, he wins because he gains fuel. If I don’t react, he wins because he thinks he can continue with the behavior. I know that the only way is to Get Out and Stay Out.
Unfortunately, I have no real safe space to go. The only place I feel safe right now is here. I have no real shoulders to cry on. My mother, my husband and my best friend are all toxic. I have to do this myself. I can’t count on anyone. Not yet at least. I still can’t trust that I’ll make the right choices. All my choices in the past, have been wrong. I always pick a narcissist.
LET says, letting go is hard even if its beneficial to us and she hit the nail on the head. I just listened to Cognitive Dissonance and Emotional Thinking. Mr. Tudor says we aren’t stupid and that’s its our ET that makes excuses for the narc’s bad behavior. Well what the hell is my excuse??? I know he’s a narcissist and I don’t make excuses for him anymore. Why can’t I let go? I know its addiction. I know its because I want to fix, heal and save. Now I have to figure out how to fix, heal and save myself. I’ve been walking twice a day, sometimes with my daughters or sometimes by myself. It gives me time to think. I do love the rain too. Even if its only for a moment, it washes all my troubles away.
The one thing that gets me through all of this is that fact that I can heal. One day, I’m going to be ok. There is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel.
Ha! Julia Roberts is so glamorous IMO!
You are healing. In my experience, I was afraid of what life would be like without them. I was just afraid of the unknown and because I knew it would hurt– and it did! I didn’t recognize the fear as such at the time, but I remember that I just wanted it to be over. Despite the cognitive dissonance, my pain began to outweigh my fear. So I let go. With #2, I presented an ultimatum, that I knew in my heart, he would fail. He failed, so I went NC. Anyhow, the whole point of sharing that is that I was scared. Moreover, the trauma bond is real! If you don’t have a support system there, we are here whenever you need us. However, this is your journey on your own time, do not permit any judgment of what you “should do” or “should have already done” because you are where you need to be.
One last thing, it’s interesting we all like being in the rain. Maybe it’s an empath thing. 🌦 💞
BC30, I thought the same thing about the rain. Maybe it is an empath thing. I also love the way it smells!