Trying Behaviour
You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away.
No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.
But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us?
Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests.
There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television.
There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.
Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.
Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it.
Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.
You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it?
You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period.
You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.
Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction.
However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside.
No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.
Try to understand that.
23 thoughts on “Trying Behaviour”
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Would a narcissist marry someone that they cannot control?
So that a narcissist would have control (providing the Prime Aims are also ‘met’).
Nope, The Narcissist needs to control everyone in their Fuel Matrix , especially the IPPS.
For an ex that the narc has worked so hard to win back, will he modify his behavior enough to keep her? He’s now in his 40s and married her one month and we last spoke and after he said he loved me. She says she can tame the devil in him and has stronger boundaries than I did. Am I now safe from not being hoovered?
On the basis that he is a narcissist, no. See Will They Be Happy Together?
Yes, per your narc detector you deemed him a somatic lower mid range narcissist. You also said in one video that this range narcissist believes to be in love with their true love. Why work so hard to regain the fuel – the ex now wife just to mess things all up? Would he actually marry for vengeance on her, since she previously left him and blocked him for two years or was his need for her because she became a challenge? I feel like he hit a low, after losing his job and I didn’t accept his initial proposal for marriage. ???
“Why work so hard to regain the fuel – the ex now wife just to mess things all up? ” – I don’t understand what you are asking, it is unclear from what you have written.
He would not marry for vengeance on her, no.
He married her because the narcissism determined that this was necessary to achieve the Prime Aims. See “Why Did He Marry Her and Not Me.”
So, as a somatic lower mid range, he marries and thinks it’s love but it’s for the prime aims. So the narcissism not the religion will determine if he remains faithful to her. I saw a video where Dr. Ramani said there’s a study that mentioned some narcissists find the right partner that provides the right kind of love where the narcissist can change to improve behaviors. Is this true?
Do not listen to Dr Ramani, she provides people with incorrect information. No partner provides the narcissist with “the right kind of lover” that is completely inaccurate. She is another who tells people what they want to hear and what they need to know. Delete anything you have learned from her.
Thank you for sharing that, HG. I recognise the name but didn’t have a look……
HG – why would he have married someone that blocked him for 2 years after5 months back together? He said she’s familiar and convenient. Is it because she and I found out about each other and he was losing supply on some end? He asked me to marry him, then back to her. It was crazy. I actually reached out to her because he wouldn’t admit things to me. He still never did at the very end. She had to tell me they couldn’t leave their past behind. It wasn’t a healthy past either. She called the cops on him. I never went through that with him. A marriage that starts with lies, can it be happy and healthy as they move on? Was she really his true love and just the right one for him that I couldn’t be?
You should organise a consultation as I need more information from you and more time than an answer in a comment allows to explain this to you. You are also not following a no contact regimen.
I feel like the narcissist. At some point other than love don’t we all marry for prime aims, for some sense of stability?
Hi C Ann,
I know many successful couples, normals and empaths most likely, who did not marry for any reason other than “love”. They knew this was the one and they both knew they would do whatever it took, together, to make things work out. And that includes financial, emotional, spiritual, physical, in every way. It was the “together” part that made them know it would work out. I never had that with my ex, and I knew it even as I married him. Cognitive dissonance can be very strong.
You say he would not marry for vengeance but I thought it’s also said not to go back another time because the narc abuse is worse each time after????
You need to understand that the majority of narcissist operate in the moment.
1. He marries for the Prime Aims, that would not include vengeance with regard to the narcissist that you are referring to.
2. The abuse may escalate, but not necessarily. Again it depends on the situation at that time.
You need to organise a consultation.
One more item, since he’s religious and cheating is a sin and he’s now married, I don’t have to worry about a Hoover, correct? Particularly since I was so pathetic at the end and told him I still needed him. ??
There is always a risk of a hoover. You should organise a consultation so I can provide you with an accurate determination of the level of risk of a hoover and steps you can take to lower that risk.
In your predictions or determinations during a consult, do you find that what you say is going to happen actually happens? I look forward to the day I can tell you that you were correct because I see it as working out for them and all this seems so unreal. But, too, so many what if’s scenarios that no one can really know what’s to come.
Yes. See the Testimonials.
HG, just a quick question. There is this female. I don’t know her personally, I have not ever spoken to her and have never had anything to do with her. We would have some mutual friends in common. I have noticed over the past while that whenever she sees me, she seems to have some kind of ‘thing’ with me. She ‘screams’ narcissist from the way she behaves and carries on. You can see it a mile off. I am not conceited by any means, but what I am trying to decipher is if a narcissist can act in a smug superior manner towards you, but at the same time also come across as being somewhat envious of you? I hope that makes sense.
In you opinion would that be possible HG?
Thank you HG.
DB
You need to explain her behaviours with a greater degree of specificity.