A Question of Trust


We are able to do what we do because of a particularly fundamental trait that we look for in the people that we target; trust. We look for those who place particular reliance on trust and then we abuse that trust. Most people operate on a basis of trust. If they did not, the world would grind to a halt. Trust lubricates so many transactions between people whether those transactions are social, financial or emotional. When somebody tells you,

“I like your shirt it suits you.”

You trust them to be telling you the truth. If you did not do so, you would stop and cross examine them as to why they like it in order to evaluate whether you believe their comment to be a true one or not. You trust the company from which you make a purchase to deliver when they say they will and that the product will be fit for purpose. You trust your colleagues to do their jobs effectively so you can also fulfil your obligations.

You trust the police to maintain law and order, if you did not, there would be anarchy and rife vigilantism. It is axiomatic that there has to be trust otherwise everything would be slowed down or stopped as people evaluated, analysed, questioned and verified. Trust is evident everywhere and there is no greater trust than that which is expected in an intimate relationship.

People trust their partner to have their best interests at heart, to trust them not to do something to hurt them, to trust them to be faithful and loving. We know that in order for you to love in the way that you do, that deep and unconditional love, there must be trust. You approach your relationships with this trust held out in front of you, a symbol of good intent. You presume that everyone else that you will engage with will also adopt a similarly trusting stance. You expect them to reciprocate this trust. You trust that they will trust.

You are not a cynic. You do not operate in the realm of suspicion and mistrust. To do so would be admitting defeat and would tarnish the ideal of love that you are committed to. You accept much at face-value. That is not to label you as naïve, that would be unduly harsh, for as I have mentioned, many people operate on the basis of trust and so they must. You apply this trust to your dealings with those that you fall in love, led to believe by us that this trust will be reciprocated, that it will not  be breached, betrayed or damaged.

You are a truth seeker. You apply honesty in all your dealings and the taint of lies and dishonesty offends you considerably. The stench of our deceit, the rank odour of our mendacity is great but the perfumed veil we cast over such dark and dangerous deceptions is such that the malodorous warning never nears you. You are conned into believing that we tell you the truth when we first encounter you.

We behave with such conviction, the air of confidence we exude, seemingly unquestionable and unimpeachable. We look you in the eye, those unseen mirrors reflecting back at you your earnest trust so that you see what you require. You look upon supposed honesty, apparent openness and this maintains your sense of trust.

By trusting you believe that you will get the truth. That our love will be true, that our intentions are truthful, that our fidelity is real and we govern our interactions with you under the mantle of truth. You trust that all of this will happen because we make you think you can trust us.

We will reference those who have let us down, those who have betrayed us and in so doing we hold up our own reliance upon trust in order to receive your trust. See how we have trusted others and they let us down? We have always trusted beforehand and so you can be assured that we want to gain your trust and you shall have ours. It is all carefully orchestrated to channel one of the fundamental tenets by which you abide.

When we gain that trust and we do so easily, you enable us to take this valuable commodity and apply our own veneer to it, reinforcing it and demonstrating to you just how much we value it. As a fellow disciple in trust this enables us to conduct ourselves in a way which ensures we are above suspicion. When we meet with a member of the opposite sex and explain she or he is just a friend and it is a friendly drink you have no reason to think otherwise. You trust us. When we tell you that we are working late. You trust us. When we borrow money from you. You trust us. When we tell you that we are using the contraceptive pill. You trust us. When we tell you that we love you and have never loved anybody like this before – you trust us.

Trust equals the truth. We then abuse your trust by carrying out our treacherous acts. We court other partners and shatter your trust. As you sit at home watching television thinking we are working hard for our future we are philandering and sliding our tendrils around a fresh prospect.

When you are making that dinner for us both, looking forward to an evening together, I am showering in a hotel as I seek to wash away the scent of the person I have just coupled with. When you check your bank balance and consider what you will do with the return on the investment that I talked about so you lent me the money, your hard-earned money is being used to impress someone else so that they fall into my clutches. We take this very thing that is of such central importance to you and we abuse it. We disrespect and we trade it  just like a commodity.

When you eventually realise your trust has been shattered and this has happened repeatedly. When you finally wake up and join the dots. When you see the flagrant breaches of your trust, when the evidence is irrefutable and painful, we may well have gone. Not only have we abused your trust but we have left without explanation or reason, leaving you to deal with the aftermath alone as we move on to the next target and begin gaining their trust.

Like any confidence trickster it is necessary for us to gain trust before we are able to abuse it. Not only do we hurt you repeatedly through these actions we do so to such an extent, with so many people and with so many people aware of it, other than you until the last moment. This wide-ranging and wholesale desecration of trust, this tarnishing and defacing of the truth leaves you broken and unable to face the totality of the truth. You cannot comprehend that you have been conned so extensively and so often.

You cannot bear the sensation that arises from having been made to look so foolish. You held your trust up as something to be proud of and now you are left to rue your reliance on this as you hear the repeated comments of “Told you so”, “Didn’t you notice?” and “You are too trusting.” You equate trust with the truth. Our abuse of your trust causes you to not want to accept the truth of what we have done.

10 thoughts on “A Question of Trust

  1. Pingback: Et spørsmål om tillit - Psykopatene blant oss
  2. Melmel says:

    One thing that I find incredibly difficult in all of this, is to properly explain to people who question why I am being so hurtful to the narcissists in my life (by no contact, or grey rock, or Cliff Fightback), that the trust that I had for them has been irreversibly broken. It is inconceivable to them (and me), that the perseverance of my trust has somehow failed after all this time. Despite the fact that I am by nature too trusting, too accommodating, too forgiving. Now all of a sudden it’s gone and there’s no getting it back. Of course it’s part of the smearing that is going on that leads to people questioning my behaviours. And I have gotten very good at withdrawal over the years to protect myself from being repeatedly sucked back into the fray with them. How do I explain that withdrawal is not coming from a desire to manipulate, give my own silent treatment, or as a form of punishment? It’s coming from the sheer necessity of being away from the slow poison that infects me, making me crazy and physically ill?

    Ultimately it doesn’t really matter whether they question it, or what conclusions they draw. It’s just part of the process and if they are not disordered, they will eventually see (without my explaining too much) that my withdrawal is me starting to learn how to set some boundaries and expect a certain level of behaviour from others within my direct sphere of influence. This is only healthy for me, and can only lead to healthier and more reciprocal relationships with the people in my life that are capable of love. Because of the permanence of the narcissistic state, I am hopeful that I will remember the danger of re-engagement, and not fall victim to Hoover attempts in the future.

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Interesting to come across this comment. Why? Because I had been questioning myself. Trust had been such a difficult part of my life for so long, even now, I don’t have enough faith to trust enough.

      These words “Of course it’s part of the smearing that is going on that leads to people questioning my behaviours” and it also leads to my own questioning about myself.

      Further words “if they are not disordered, they will eventually see” – I do not need to explain further except change the word “disordered” to narcissist(s).

      As HG suggests “observe the behaviours”, I’d add, observe the consistency of that person’s behaviours. Either I am an unaware narcissist, or someone who is empowered with KTN knowledge, either way, I still maintain my belief that I am not a narcissist because I have and am able to observe my own behaviours towards other people.

  3. A Victor says:

    This must be especially deep seated, at least in my emphatic makeup. This is the third time at least that I’ve heard it and it still seems foreign to consider not trusting. And this time I began to wonder also if it’s common for empaths to be drawn to people who are fundamentally untrustworthy, part of that ‘feels like home’ idea. If so, we have to not only identify when someone is being “too good to be true” and also stand up to or own desire to go toward it…good grief, I just identified the addiction and the emotional sea didn’t I? Click, light bulb moment!

    1. Ruthless says:

      While HG is the ‘Dexter’ of Narcs, you’re right we have to acknowledge as empaths the role we play. There is info that says in the love bomb phase we’ve effectively hand over our ‘inner child’ to the narc because it’s that part of us that’s getting the love we’ve always wanted. We’re pulled to want to trust that ‘maybe this time’. When things go sour we re-experience all the trauma and lack of love from childhood all over again. Excruciating! The idea for us is to start parenting that ‘inner child’ part of us that was also hurt/damaged so that an adult, and a warrior energy part of us can emerge. It means we have our ‘core needs’ met so we’re not seeking other adults that equally have emotional core wounds and there is an adult in the driving seat so to speak. All of this not only makes us less susceptible to love bombing because we will sense its too much, we’ll instinctively know who is safe and how to stand up for ourselves until we’re not attracted to these ‘intoxicating’ people anymore and we’ll ‘trust’ our instincts. So so grateful to HG for the barefaced truth, reduction in emotional thinking and sucker punching articles that keep me in check while I try to break my addiction.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You are welcome.

      2. A Victor says:

        Hello Ruthless, I agree, we need to acknowledge our part in the dysfunction and become willing to address it. If we don’t, the cycle will continue . I also believe, from my understanding of things, that, though they obtain control, it is not necessarily as much us handing it over as it is them deceiving it out of us, or some combo of the two. They prey on us specifically because we will go along with this, thus the “victim” aspect. And, while my vulnerability stems somewhat from my past, there are empaths who had magnificent upbringing’s and still become ensnared as adults. Therefore I tend to think a bit differently around the “inner child” wording/thinking of it, my inner child being the fun in me. As an adult however, I do need to recognize that I have this vulnerability and take steps to reduce/remove it’s impact in my life going forward. HG’s work has shown me both my vulnerability and how to reduce it’s impact. Like you, I am grateful for this, more than he will likely ever know. And, while I can identify the “conditioning” I received as a child, and I need to deal with it certainly, even without that I can and am taking steps to protect myself going forward. One of the things I’ve learned, for my particular journey, is that I need to trust others instincts, I can’t trust mine yet, and don’t know that I ever will. Thankfully I have people in my life who are objective and only want the best for me, do as I develop my instincts, I will lean on them, an option I didn’t have in the past and would likely not have done in the past. That trust is new for me and it is an amazing thing, an outgrowth of this experience, being here. So, in the end, I am happy to be an empath, as such I am a narc magnet, those two things will never change. What can change is me becoming empowered, which is happening more every day, the light bulb moments are exciting! Best wishes to you on your journey and thank you for sharing your thoughts!

      3. Witch says:

        And addressing the expectation for the narc to change.
        Why should the narc change and why should we ?
        Find people in your likeness

    2. Jasmin says:

      “And this time I began to wonder if it’s common for empaths to be drawn to people who are fundamentaly untrustworthy”
      I think you have the awnser to your own question AV, but if you want some help: Which are the people who are fundamentaly untrustworthy? Are empaths drawn to them?

      1. A Victor says:

        Ah yes, I think you are correct. 🙂

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